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Fishing The Coast, Oregon and Washington
September
2010



sept10head.jpg
Where
I go.


Sept
1st


Wow! September! I'd say Happy September, but... No. I'm
going to. Happy September!
There. Now that I got that out of the way...
I feel like I'm walking in a nightmare! Waketh me up!
Last night, we were enjoying a nice dinner, and Bill said his chest hurt.
It quickly progressed into real pain. He was really in pain! Then, more.
I insisted he go to the hospital and he agreed. That is not a good sign.
Bill does not do doctors, but he knew something wasn't right.
He wouldn't let me call 911. I had to drive him, he said. Wait! I don't
like to drive at dusk/dark! But, I did! No choice, there.
Anyhow, turns out that Bill has a pulmonary embolism. Poor guy! Oh, my
gosh!
He is sounding better, today. They have him on heparin to break up the
clot and lots of pain medication. I didn't know that this could be so
painful.
Hearing him in pain was the hardest thing to do! They couldn't give him
morphine at first, because his blood pressure was really low. Scary low!

Anyhow, the dogs are all upset over Bill being gone. I have to take them
for a walk and then get to the hospital. I may be late in putting up Stan's
column, but I will get to it! I promise!
Oh! And now they want me to have surgery. I thought mine would be a needle
biopsy, but they are talking surgery now.
This too shall pass. Either that, or pass me out, please! LOL
Thank God that somehow I have the peace that passeth understanding. I
do!

Sept
2nd


Stan's column is up! I couldn't sleep last night, knowing
that I didn't get it posted on the 1st! That's the first time I have put
it off! Yikes!
I tried to do it real fast, but got lost in reading his words, as usual.
It's really interesting! About the world record bass...
read it, here!
Things are so crazy, right now. I can't even say!
I just got off the phone with Bill. He had a rough night and now has a
bit of a fever. He sounds wheezy. I'm worried about him, so much. :(
He tried to be tough and go without his pain meds and then the pain got
really bad. I guess once you let pain take over, it's twice as hard to
manage it. That happened to Bill.
I have to admire his courage, but at the same time, that man is stubborn,
sometimes! But, aren't we all?
My biopsy is at 1 this afternoon.
I kind of think that God is taking care of me by letting me focus on other
things, so that I don't worry about this silly test.
It's a silly test, you guys. And a NO thing. :)
What an absolute gorgeous day it is, on the coast. I refuse to let my
flowers shrivel up. I had the porch light on last night, after dark, and
my beautiful flowers appeared to almost glow in the dark. Their bright
and happy faces made me smile. I'm pouring fertilizer on them, refusing
to let them naturally fade to Fall.
Maybe I'll drink some, myself. :)

Sept
3rd


A short update this morning.
I'm so behind. You have no idea.
I can't keep up with the mod board. I can't keep up with my e mail. My
banking account is a mess!
This is a very slow time for ifish as far as money coming in, but it doesn't
slow down in money that needs to go out. I'm sure you all know about that
in this economy. Yikes!
I have thank you's to write.
I couldn't make a meeting in Portland today with an attorney, so I have
to do it over the phone. I'm nervous about that and have to get my questions
in order. At 275 an hour, things need to move right along!
The dogs are upset that I can't play more. They miss Bill. Every horn
honking, they bark, thinking it's Daddy! Hopefully, Daddy can come home,
today! I hope! I haven't heard yet. I'm calling him next.
It's a beautiful day and that helps so much!
I had my biopsy yesterday and my right side is all sore. No results until
next week. I found myself browsing breast cancer forums. The ladies there
are so supportive! It's how I wish ifish could be all the time. Most of
the time, the people on ifish are nice, but last night I read just a horrid
thread. It made me sad. Why can't we all get along? Our forum is about
fishing! Fishing is supposed to be fun! Come on, you guys!
I have to feed the birds now and water the flowers. It's a constant battle
keeping them alive and beautiful this time of year. I can't help but relate
it to our health and lives this last week!
More! More water! More fertilizer! More vitamins! More medicine! More!
More! More!
Pick off the dead blooms and let those remaining soak up the energy so
that the plant at least looks good!
OK, off to the shower! I'm a busy girl pedaling as fast as I can with
one flat tire!

Sept
4th


Woke up in a jolly good mood.
Bill is home and the dogs are happy, again!
So strange how they have to have everything right, in order to be relaxed
about things. They certainly thrive on routine. I think that's why they
adore Bill so much. He's big on routine. I'm a little bit of a wild child,
myself. I like forgetting about dinner and eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch
in bed, late. :)
Bill has to have dinner at a prompt 6:30 ish. Cocktails from 5 till dinner,
etc. I could not do that! Not only that, but I don't drink!
I tried to drink, when I first met Bill. I thought, "Oh! This is
supposed to be fun! OK!" But, I didn't last long before I found it
kind of yucky. Sometimes I wish I was a good drinker. It does still look
fun to me. I like the neat glasses and the ice and the glamour of it all.
I just don't like the taste or the way it makes me feel! Give this girl
a drink and I get silly and then pass out. Oh, fun!
Anyhow, Bill's feeling well. I'm so relieved! The chickens are glad to
see him, too!
I told him when he got home, "All the animals in the zoo are jumping
up and down for you!"
He rolled his eyes, but it was so true! The whole darn farm-damily was
excited!
And, it's kind of fun to get back to cooking dinner. I have a big old
pork roast to put on the Traeger, tonight.
I just can't wait until I hear about what the results of my biopsy are.
I mean, do I want to know? Yes. But, I don't at all like the waiting!
It's torture!
They say that my "rating" or whatever for the mammogram/ultrasound
was a Birad 4 or 5. Scary, if you read the meaning of that! But- I like
the 4 score. I'll go with that for now, thank you!
Thing is, I'm in denial. That's a good thing, because I do not have cancer,
thank you very much!
The doctor sent me some kind of information from the Breast Cancer Society
or something or another. I glanced at it and said, "Why did they
send me this? I don't have cancer!"
But, I sat down to read it and the people from this organization sound
so nice. The brochure kind of calmed and soothed me. You know, if I had
cancer, I would like to associate with these folks!
And, frankly, now that I know what the scare feels like, I'm going to
support these people with the pink ribbons.
It's no fun, even denying that I might have breast cancer.It's scary.
This waiting stuff. So I'm not going to think about it and I'm instead
going out to the river.
There is no such thing as cancer, or in fact, anything bad... out at the
river. So, that's where I'm going right now.
A short funny... David has been stuffy a bunch, lately, and I've been
suspicious that he's allergic to indoor allergies. Pets, etc. So, he comes
to me and says he's stuffed up.
I said, "Try this, David. It's for pet allergies."
And he says, "And I shouildn't worry about taking it, because...?"
And I said, "Why would you be worried?" And he said, "Because
I'm not a pet!"
Silly me!

Sept
7th


Never say never!
I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.
That's all I have to say about that.
What a hassle. :(

Sept
8th


OK. So I have cancer.
Dear Satan,
Hit me with your best shot!

I started singing that while I was out picking dead blossoms off my flower
pots, out on the back deck. Pretty soon, Andrew started to chime in ..
and then we were both screaming it!
HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!
Fire away!
Muhahahaha....
Just try and keep me down!
I have a stack of papers on my desk. All of this crudola made me late
on my VISA payment. Now I have to call and plead cancer. Will that work?
Will they forgive one late payment in how many years of never being late?

See? Cancer comes in handy! Oh! And another thing! One of the best things
that happened to me in the whole wide world when my aorta dissected was
that BR Shooter and Gini sent me Monster cookies.
Hm... I bet... :) Does Cancer win cookies, too? I think so! I'm off to
the kitchen! I'm making Monster cookies! Whoo hooo!
(OK... so I'm having a strong day. I could say "This too shall pass",
but I sure hope not!)
I know, however, that there are tons of people praying for me, and how
can you not be full of joy when so many pray?
Isn't God awesome?
Satan can fire his best shot at us, but Me and God? We are eating cookies!

Sept
10th


fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
-Isaiah 41:10

I'm sure you all know that cancer isn't all fun and cookies,
but it sure is vital for me, to have God on my side. Over and over, I
have stated that I just don't know how people do it without Him.
Joel from NW Wild Country sent me the above verse and it really helped
me get thru last night. I had a wimpy night, last night.
I couldn't believe Molly, out on the river. I was just trying to read!
For a hoot, watch
this!

I didn't think it would take two videos to get her off my back, but it
did! Here's yet more
bargaining with Molly.

Ah.... there will be more wimpy times, I'm sure. But, it sure is nice
to be held in the hollow of our Lord's hand.
I wont' find out more until Thursday. Then, I'll find my treatment plan.
At least there is one! Even tho I found out that the cancer is a grade
three. Meaning that the cells are very aggressive. Bill told some folks
is was a "stage" three. That's not true. It's a grade thingy.
So many terms to learn!
It is "invasive ductile" which means that it has spread out
into other tissue. There is "in situ" and "invasive".
In Situ means contained. Mine is not. Bummer.
When my Mom had cancer, her favorite song was "God will take care
of you." Now I get it. I really get it! Listen: (or read!)

Be not dismayed what e'er be tide
God will take care of you
Beneath His wings of love abide
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o'er all the way
(He will care for you)
God will take care of you

Through days of toil when heart doth fail
God will take care of you
When dangers fierce your path assail
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o'er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o'er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

Sept
11th
later..

Youtube
Video of the disabled kids day.


wtccross.gif

Let
us never forget.


For the rest of us, life goes on... my Mom always taught
us kids that when we don't feel great, when we are down, to go help someone
else. I'm off to the disabled kids fishing day at Whiskey Creek.
Oh! Take
a look at this!
I'm so impressed with Gordon and Terri Southwick!
When you click on the
link
, it will take you to the "Heroes of Conservation site, where
you'll have to scroll thru the entries to get to the Southwick's entry.
But, you may want to watch them all! Great stuff!
We got this from Len Clark:

Attached is (Click
Here
) a hot off the press video displaying Terri and Gordon Southwicks'
contribution in the Field and Stream 2010 Heroes of Conservation contest.

It is a terrific video put together by F&S for the judges of the contest
- BTW, the Southwicks are among the final six contestants. This video
demonstrating the efforts of an Oregon couple is available for worldwide
viewing and I think they have a great opportunity to win the contest.
Their son, Ben, sent in the original application paperwork to enter his
parents in the contest based on his pride in their commitment to the local
hatchery project.
The video is really well done and it is one we should all be proud of
as it not only shows the great job done by Terri and Gordon, it also demonstrates
the results of the combined efforts of ODFW, the Trask hatchery and the
community that is Garibaldi, Tillamook and Oregon in a way which should
make us all proud.
(snip)
Gordon and Terri have done a fantastic job for so many years - it is so
nice that they are being recognized on a national scale - way to go Southwicks!!

Len Clarke

Sept
12th


Pheh. I can hardly type.
I was petting Miss Mae last night, (our river cat) and she was really
liking it. More than usual. I don't know what happened next, but it wasn't
good. All of the sudden, she turned to me, wide eyed and crazy like, and
attacked me! Big time! I have a huge hole in my hand that didn't bleed
and now I can't move it. Off to ER I go.
What next?
It's all swollen and I can't even hold a cup of coffee in that hand! Bizarre!
Why did she do that? Over stimulated? I have no clue! Not like her at
all! She's done that a little bit when she was bugged, but not like this!
Hey! I was so shocked yesterday, while walking on the river. I saw a bright
spot, as if a redd, in the place where redds are, usually. I thought,
"Oh, perhaps a lamprey?" Maybe?
But, as I looked, there was a salmon tail, working! And there is a pair,
this morning!
We only have a couple springers in the Kilchis each year, because we don't
have the deep, cool holes for them to stay in. Our river's gradient is
very fast. The river is really cool, but no big deep holes... or few.
But, there is one, down on the corner! Anyhow, this morning she isn't
digging. The pair is spawning! So, I had a blast this morning showing
Bill. We went down with the dogs on leashes to watch. LOL. The dogs couldn't
handle it! They were so excited by the noises and splashing, so I had
to leave and take the dogs back and Bill stayed behind, staring in awe.
So awesome! Truly awesome!
Had a great time
at the Disabled Kids Day.
Jerry Dove and the gang at Tillamook Anglers
ROCK!

Sept
14th


My hand is gradually getting better. I have cellulitis
from the cat bite, and it swelled up clear up to my elbow. Yikes! At least,
now I can type.
People say that they can't believe how strong I am. Au contraire, mon
ami!
I am as wimpy as anyone.
I am as strong as anyone.
What choice do we have? We simply have to put one foot in front of the
other, like it or not.
And, I'd rather do this than not live at all, right? Anything is tolerable,
if you are alive!
I told my son when I originally found out, "I'll be alright, no matter
what." Isn't that the truth, when we believe in Him?
Think of my room in Heaven, all made just for me! It really kind of makes
me giddy. Life on earth can be so hard, and to think of a place with no
sadness? Wow! I'm ready! I am growing weary of trial after trial, Lord.
Prepare me a room!
At the same time, I look outside and see how beautiful it is, how I love
the crisp feel of Fall, and adore the site of leaves falling gently on
the river.. Life is awesome, too! If I think life is awesome, though,
how awesome might Heaven be?
We all go at one point or another. Just think how tiny our lives are,
in the big scheme of things?
Sometimes I feel so wimpy, though. I already gave at the office! I paid
my dues with my last big medical mess... but that doesn't seem to apply,
where cancer is concerned.
I look back at all the bad things I've done to my body and I could blame
it on myself. Can't we all? Deep in my past I've dabbled in Twinkies,
cigarettes, chemicals in my foods, etc. I'm guilty! Does that mean I deserve
cancer? Doesn't matter! I have it!
I'm having a really wimpy day. Tears come easy. Seems every test that
could be negative or positive to my diagnosis is coming out the worst.
Bad news after bad news. The tumor is a grade three. The most aggressive,
angry cells. I spent an hour on the phone with my "patient navigator",
Christine.
Yes, I'll have to have chemo. Yes, my hair will fall out. Yes, I'll have
to have surgery, radiation.
And no. This isn't my year for Fall salmon fishing, like I hoped... again!
I had just stated in this very column that I was so looking forward to
it. That I thought this would be my year.
And no, I won't be going back to work, like I just announced to my doctor,
just 3-4 months ago. I told him, (all proud like), "I feel great!
I want to try to work, again." Ha! Gotcha again. :(
I feel so wimpy. Why can't I ever win, where health is concerned?
I was talking to my Dad the other day, before I knew about this whole
mess. I asked him, "Have I always been wimpy, health wise?"
The answer was yes, but that they never babied me. My nickname was "tissue
pae pae". (Tissue paper.. get it?)
My sister told me a story about my Mom, when she was going thru chemo.
Someone called on the phone at my Mom's house, while she was home, sick
on chemo., It was the garden shop, stating that Mom's rootstock was in,
and would she be picking them up? Of course, they had no clue what was
happening at our home, in our family.
My Mom was very sick. She knew she wouldn't be around by Spring. :( Sadly,
she lowered her head, and shook it back and forth, to tell my sister no.
She wouldn't be pick up her rootstock.
That story keeps resounding in my head. How sad! How tragic! Tears fell
when I heard that story. Then I found out I had cancer, and now they fall
each time that story comes to mind.
I'm NOT ordering rootstock.
My Mom was the best person in the world. If cancer can happen to her,
it can surely happen to me. I think that if my Mom knew that Twinkies
were bad for her, she would never have touched one! I mean... she was
that good!
I've always been carefree, (care -less, even!) a bit of a wild
child. I did what I wanted and a little bit more.
Moderation? Whazzthat?
I suppose it seems fair, if I look at it, that way.
I remember a woman at a job I worked at, in Astoria. She had lung cancer.
She had smoked cigarettes for years. She said to me, "It was so not
worth it." She died 6 months later. That's always caused a shudder
down my spine.
Cancer can be so awful. I don't think, however, that it is about how good
you were, or how bad.
I think no matter what, my life has been more than worth it. And that
is what matters. Right?
I'm happy with my choices, even if some were not best for my health. I
lived. Boy, did I live! And boy, am I still living! I've experienced so
much, and this journey thru having cancer will be yet another experience.
Not one I'd choose, of course, but it chose me. But, still... when you
experience bad things, it really makes you joyful and appreciative of
the good things.
I was just out on the river, and as I thought and stared at the beauty,
I thought how lucky I'll be to have this river to heal me.
I know that I will be a better person for having gone thru this. I can
provide strength to others, and show them it can be beat.
(Hit me with your best shot!)
I am bummed about my trip to Maui. I was so excited to get there. I so
hope I don't have to cancel it. Even if I do get to go, I'm a little depressed
that it will be under these conditions. You know, knowing that I have
to go back to a life of chemo and radiation and sickness.
Honest to God, if it has to be cancelled, it's probably a good thing.
I think it will financially set me back, even if the flight and hotel
are free. It costs to eat there... a ton!
Everything always works out the way it is supposed to. One foot in front
of the other.
I think it might be darn hard to pry me off that beach, to come back to
treatment. That's why I'm taking my two strong boys!
I hope this writing isn't too much of a drag, but as always, I say what
is on my mind. And this is it what is on my mind, today.
I can't help but giggle at my profile signature, which has been on ifish
for years.
Get this:
The goal in Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn
out, shouting "holy moly what a ride!"

Totally worn out, is right! Pheh!

Sept
16th


Haven't pulled an all day outing at OHSU in too long, I
guess, so that's what we are doing, today. Thank God that Bill is driving
me.
I realize that I've been sleeping in more than I used to. 5:30 comes early!
Wish I were fishing!
After today, I think I'll feel better, knowing more about what will happen
with this new battle, I'm to fight.
Ach! We had 2.96 inches of rain, yesterday! Here come da salmon and I'm
going to miss the first ones! I love to watch them jump over the falls
in the race upriver!

Sept
17th


The nicest doctors, at OHSU!
But man am I drained. Both literally and physically. (And mentally!)
Let's see. It's a grade three, stage two cancer. It's HER2 negative and
hormonally negative. I have a list of what it is and isn't, but I'm too
lazy to go get it. The last part may be wrong, but it's not good because
if you are hormonally negative, you don't have as good of a chance at
targeting it, turning off the receptors, or something?
I had a full PET scan this morning to see if they can see cancer anywhere
else. I won't hear till Tuesday. The waiting kills me!
I had to stay over night last night. I hadn't planned on it, so after
a full day of tests, yesterday, (and doctors and radiologists) I drove
to the hotel. Borrowed a tooth brush, ran to Freddies for a change of
undies (lol) and went back there. Bill didn't drive me after all. We decided
the farm critters needed his love, just as much or more than I did.
My sisters were with me all day and that was such a blessing!
I got to the hotel, walked up the stairs, opened my door and fell asleep
till about 2:30, when I got up and had popcorn and read a while. I can't
sleep well, since I heard about this all.
So tired, tonight. Had to pull over three times and shut my eyes for a
while, on the way over the mountain!
I'm going to try to catch up on ifish and then hit the sack early. I hope
and pray for a full night's sleep!

Sept
18th


deerbigseptbig.jpg


I have been having a blast with the outdoor cam. I get a
deer and sometimes a baby, just about every time I check it. Bill and
I are awful about letting it soak. We check it every day or two. In fact,
if we let it go three days, we get really proud of ourselves!
I smelled Christmas this morning, and got this really excited feeling
in my heart. :) Did you smell it, too?
I'm supposed to go to my nephew's wedding, today, and I'm feeling awful
guilt, but I just can't go. I'm borderline sick with a cold, and I have
to have fairly major surgery soon. I've just been running, and I have
to stop. If I could drive at night, I'd go, but I just can't spend another
night away from home. I'll be spending enough time away, soon- and I just
got home! I'm in the mood for a crock pot roast and rain. :)
Life is good. I want to enjoy my home, right now.
Oh! There is yet ANOTHER pair of springers, spawning! I stood in awe,
watching them this morning! It was so weird, because day before yesterday
I was in the canoe, and I spotted the weirdest thing. It was about four
inches long, and swimming on top of the water. I got a closer look, and
it was the tail of a springer, that I saw! It wasn't small, after all!
I was just in awe! I would have thought the springers I spotted spawning
the other day would have died by then? And, sure enough! It's a new pair!
Wow! 2 pair of springers on the Kilchis! Here I thought for years, we
only had one pair! I had even named them! LOL! Now, I have to think up
two new names for the newcomers to the neighborhood!
I was just crushed to learn of the death of a long time ifisher, "Jaws".
It just can't be. I'm still just incredulous, how fast life can go, and
how unexpected. There is an article on it, here,
and ifisher's
comments.

Live... every minute. Love, constantly

.Sept
19th


I'm a lot freaked out.
Took my Monday morning INR (blood has to be thin and not clotting with
my artificial valve). It's supposed to be between 2.0 and 3.0.
All kinds of alarms went off like I'd never heard.
Yikes! < 7.5! (Greater than 7.5!) YIKES!
I froze. No wonder I'm bruising everywhere! And I know why. I was on Augmentin
for that cat bite and antibiotics are known to make your blood thin.
As I was calming my heart over that, and explaining to the doc, that NO,
I don't want to go to the hospital for vitamin k shots... the nurse navigator
at OHSU calls and says I have an appointment on Wednesday, a pre op on
Thursday and surgery on Friday!
I was so excited to have at least a week to fish, because after this,
I won't be able to fight a salmon for quite some time.
What a whirlwind. I need a miracle. Good thing that our good Lord does
miracles, every day!

Sept
22nd


Caner is a real drag on a fisher woman's schedule. Yes,
indeed!
I'm off again to Portland for yet more testing. I'm blessed to have the
best team of doctors working on me! But, man oh man... when do the tests
end? What do all these things, abbreviations, numbers, mean? I'm learning,
but the learning curve is rather steep!
Like one of my doctors always says, "Unfortunately, Jennie, sometimes
you know more than I do about your condition."
I have to! Because everyone specializes, these days, so I listen to one
specialist and transfer that knowledge to another. It just works. Most
of the time!
It is so nice that the members on the board are trying to keep things
mellow, and alerting things that might cause problems. That way, the mods
and I can catch things before they catch fire and spread. Makes our job
so much easier! Thank you so much!
There is a thread on the Angler's Chapel that I keep updated with the
latest. If you'd like to follow what's going on in the medical realm for
me, it's right here. Just
bookmark it.

I'm sneaking a pair of boots in with my luggage, so that I can do a little
hunting for chanterelles on my way, or my way back. I'm so excited!
I'm doing all I can to keep my nicotianas blooming in this soggy weather.
It seems the minute rain touches them, they all turn to this awful toilet
paper looking stuff. Yuck! I've been deadheading them for hours!
I am fertilizing them, trying so hard to make them last until it freezes!
I picked the last of my raspberries (I think?) last night. Although there
are still green ones on the vine, I doubt we'll have enough sunshine to
bring them to ripen. The blackberries are soggy, too. Not one blackberry
pie, this year! I still have some frozen from last year, though... I'm
going to make a pie and pretend. :)
I have... cancer. That's so weird to say.
Off I go! What a gorgeous day it is, to drive over the pass. I can't wait
to see all the pretty colors of Fall!

Sept
26th


So far, all the King's horses and all the King's men have
been able to put me back together again.
But, I kind of feel like those horses and men, trying to keep my flowers
alive "again"!
Yesterday, I deadheaded all the soggy blossoms, caused by the rain. The
rains of Fall.
I wish I could think of the danged name of these flowers. They aren't
nicotianas after all. They are similar. Whatever they are, they hang like
wet toilet paper in the ugliest shades, whenever it rains. They like--
instantly die in the rain!
So, I've been deadheading and yesterday I even fertilized them. Against
all odds! The sun was shining brightly, and things looked almost like
Spring! Argh. All that work, and now it's raining and winding! Call the
King's men! We have a battle to fight!
It makes me feel like giving in. It's Fall, Jennie. Give it up! It's almost
the same way this breast cancer makes me want to give in. And I mean it!
Sometimes I wonder if I have any "fight" left in me. It worries
me, because I do know that it's going to take "fight" in order
to beat this.
We all know what's going to happen to these flowers. It's Fall, and no
matter what I do, they are going to die.
But, it's not the Fall of my life! I'm "only"
50!
When I was young, I was led to believe that people with marfan just don't
live beyond 35. I did! Of course, the stats are much higher, now. I was
told the stats on marfan syndrome back when I was younger, and I believed
it! Now, they say that with the right medical care, folks can live a pretty
normal life.
Whatever you do, don't do what I did and read the survival stats for folks
with triple negative breast cancer. It's not so good!
I spent most of this weekend in shock.
Maybe that's why I fertilized and deadheaded the flowers!
When I dissected my aorta, I was stuck in a wheelchair on days where on
a clear day, the winter sky was a light blue. The sun wouldn't shine on
my deck at all. We are in a place that is fully shaded, all of the winter
months.
For years after, every time I'd see that winter blue sky, I'd feel a cold
shock go down my spine. I was finally totally over that and able to enjoy
that winter sky, and now... Now I am so afraid that I'll be thrown back
into that fright-fight.
I'm afraid I'll be on chemo, or recovering, but sick, and that blue sky
will send chills, again. That chill, that fear! The same fear of one day
when I was stuck in a wheelchair on a cold day, not able to move it in
or out of the door stop! I was alone that day, and very weak, and totally
stuck and freezing cold! The sun shone brightly on the deck for the first
time in early Spring. It dazzled me and I had tried to go sit in that
spot to warm myself. I couldn't, for the life of me, move my wheels over
the bump in the doorway! Everything I fear from the past is cold. Once
I had to crawl on the garage floor and up the stairs in order to get into
the house.
It's no fun being sick and weak during a Pacific Northwest winter!
Northwest winter's are for the well and the adventurous! Steelheading,
where the ice gets caught on your line! Things like that! The wonderful
feeling of the warmth of a fire, after a long and cold, wet day in a driftboat!
That kind of thing! Our winters aren't for the people in wheelchairs,
for sure!
And so, these are the fears that I lay before God, on this windy, rainy
Sunday morning. I ask that He take them all away, and that in my heart
be filled with Heavenly Sunshine.
I am praying for Faith to bring me thru this, every day. It doesn't come
easily for me.
People write how "strong" I am. How many battles I've fought!
But, I'm not a fighter. I'm a believer. And there is
a BIG difference!
And... I believe in miracles. Thus, I'm off to dead head my flowers, once
again!

Sept
29th

Day of surgery schedule. (Friday)

7:00 Friday, get there, and get a wire
stuck in my breast where the tumor is. You know, spear that sucker like
a lollipop! Supposed to be so that the surgeon knows where it is!?! Can't
she tell? I can!

7:30... Get a shot in the middle of my
breast (The nipple- sorry guys... ) with radioactive material so that
it goes to my lymph nodes so they can tell where they are? Cannot these
people SEE? Then, she takes a wand to hear it crackling? Oh, great! Feed
that cancer some breakfast! Make it grow, right? This sounds DUMB to me!

8:00 Put me out with anesthesia. Wait a
minute. Why can't we do this FIRST? I'd like to know. I would REALLY like
to know why I can't be put out FIRST! THEN, put a needle
where you are going to put it. I won't care, see?

Then, get the lollipop taken out. See? They could just put
a barb on that wire and pull! I think I could do this myself. If not,
I have 40 thousand members on ifish, to help pull it out. I have BIG halibut
circle hooks that would do this just fine. I'm flying to hawaii with a
circle hook and I will perform this surgery on MY OWN! Let's go! QUICK!

Sept
30th


I just thought of something really sad! I won't be here
to say "Happy October, tomorrow!" I'm going to have to cancel
surgery. That's all there is to it.
Yeah, so yesterday I wrote things I wasn't so sure about sharing. LOL.
But, I do have a sick sense of humor and that's the only way I can get
thru this constant barrage of medical this and that.
I mean, come on... Shots of Lovenox in my stomach 2x a day, before surgery
and then... Oh, never mind!
I've forgotten about the sounds of Fall in the early morning. Right now
I hear a couple elk bugling. Yesterday, it was the call of an eagle, right
before light. I'm so glad to be falling asleep earlier and waking earlier.
I think my body, after 50 years, is getting used to seasonal changes.
I'm prepping for the "Fall back" of Daylight Savings Time.
I do wish we'd change that. I mean, it's nice to wake in the dark and
watch the sun rise. Healthy, too! I wonder... if it's even good
for us, too change our time twice a year and have to get used to that?
Probably not! I really think we should leave it natural and experience
the natural changes in the sun and moon!
My flowers still rock! They are gorgeous! I have to get a picture of this
one basket of begonias I grew. I mean, from dirt and bulb to an explosion
of color. It's just gorgeous! It's my favorite basket this year. No, wait.
There is this other one I grew of those flowers that I can't name, that
grew to be about four feet around! It's just ahhhhmazing! So, I have two
favorite baskets.
I can't believe it! They are silly petunias! Finally, it's come to me!
Doh! Plain old petunias, but they are gorgeous! I betcha this next oncoming
rain will do the final damage and I'll have to be done with flowers. Must
get pictures!

I'm off to go see my Dad this morning, and then onto the battle with my
latest medical drama.
I'm going to kick this cancer's rear end. Today, I feel like a warrier.
Out with that old "C" word!!!


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