Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again) - www.ifish.net
The Oregonian's Bill Monroe!

Go Back   www.ifish.net > Ifish Fishing and Hunting > Ifish Community

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-14-2006, 07:25 PM   #1
Hogmaster
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Just downstream from the Hole O' Garbage'
Posts: 8,838
Default Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Mensa meets Meldrum – The Impeller Turns

So this, like many of my sordid tales, is a true event that occurred long long ago but not so far away. It took place in a Galaxy known by most of us as Meldrum.

At the time I was working for a huge telephone conglomerate that had a three letter acronym that did not start with M. The Portland office was large, and there were a plethora of unsavory characters that I had the opportunity to get to know.

Among that troupe was one especially unique individual that for brevity’s sake in this story I will just refer to as “Brew.” What made Brew unique was that he was among the brainiest individuals I have ever come in contact with. In fact, he was a reigning President of the Portland Mensa Club. That means he was the president of a club that requires a mental acuity test result in the top 1% of the population to gain membership. The 1% of the 1% as it were.

In other words, he is about as diametrically opposed to my thimble-like brain acuity as can be imagined.

While that might seem to be an outstanding quality, it was also one that continually got him into more problems than one might imagine. As too often seems to be the case in such folk, his general social skills tended to be blunt and often his intellect would make him appear aloof. An example of this was the fact that he could speak expertly for hours on end on any topic ranging from rocket thermodynamics to face transplanting all with astonishing aplomb.

In an intimidating way.

Unfortunately, he was in sales.

As anyone in sales soon comes to realize, there is a time to speak, and there is a time to listen. The best salespeople tend to remember the old axiom that in sales, one should maintain the proportion of speaking to listening as one has ears and mouths.

Over the years I worked with Brew, he sold, and then unsold, numerous big deals because he would always give equal time to everything that was wrong with the product he had just so laboriously got the customer to be so ready to sign for by first describing all the great things about it.

Which brings me to this story:

Brew was always interested in me taking him fishing. I avoided it like the plague. Not, mind you, because he was a bad dude or anything, but let’s face it – if there were a definition by picture of “Nerd” in Webster’s, well, you get the idea. He also, like many of these types tend to be, was in absolutely no possession of any physical skills. So I knew that taking him fishing was bound to be an adventure in babysitting.

But after what seemed like about a thousand requests to go, I finally struck a deal with Brew. He could go, but only if he did not spend hours upon hours in advance studying every detail of how one “fishes.” The last thing I wanted to hear was a full day of lecture on how a double improved clinch knot was less difficult to tie than a double overhand nail knot so some might consider it better even though it was clearly less strong in breakage tests – and so on and so forth – even though the odds of him actually tying ANY knot successfully would be calculable by replacing that chance in a formula for the odds of teaching Herschel to be kinder and gentler to salmon. You get the idea.

I set a time extremely early for Brew to meet at my house to go. Like 8:30. It seems it was imperative he hit the coffee cart in front of the Multnomah County Library to get a cup of Java and discuss world affairs with a similar intellectual there each morning. So by the time he arrived at my place it was past 9. I was less patient in my youth and was already figuring this would be nothing less than a painful exercise.

It was the middle of July, and heading for a day in the 90s. Brew showed up at the house in a stocking cap and jacket. I was barefoot, shirtless and in shorts. Whatever.

We drove the short distance to the Clackamette ramp and he asked me about 1000 questions about how I was launching the sled, all while inserting 2000 pointers based on his experience of backing up a wood trailer one time 20 years earlier. Oh boy.

I had a very old, riveted Valco sled back then with an even older, tired Merc 50 jet on it. On a good day going downhill and with a light load it might make 12 knots. That day I chose to go upstream and Brew constituted anything but a light load so we made about ˝ that. Frankly, the motor noise was already a welcome relief to the constant drone of Brew telling me the advanced mating habits of the Larch Yellow Wren or such. We went for a long run.

I made the tactical error of running up to the locks area below the falls. It was my normal spot to sturgeon fish, but it was also a place that is full of snags, crevices and rocks on the bottom.

I baited a rig for Brew, explained how to gently “toss” it (not cast) it over, then did so for him and handed him the rod.

Unfortunately, the secondary concept I attempted to explain – that of lightly thumbing the reel as it free spools to the bottom – was lost in his description of the history of the manufacture of pulp and paper utilizing hydrothermal pressurization and complex compounds of sixteen syllables each. By the time I recovered his reel, the bottom had gripped the lead and bait in a death hold that led to breakage. About 16 times.

The morning was fully flying by and I was working up a good lather breaking off and retying rigs. Unfortunately, not only was I not fishing and we weren’t catching, but Brew had managed to consume about 90% of my lead and tackle supply in one morning.

Finally, the moron in the boat got a tad wiser.

It was time to move to a safer area.

We ran down to a spot off Meldrum Bar. Remember, this was July and there were low summer flows. As in no current.

I figured off Meldrum there would be little in the way of snags to lose gear in, so I explained in excruciating detail how I wanted to drop the anchor so we would end up in the 42+ foot depth. Of course, by the time Brew got done pointing out the unique characteristics of the bark of Willow, we missed the drop zone by a considerable amount and ended up in a spot about 25’ deep and with almost no current.

In spite of knowing no self-respecting sturgeon would be anywhere near this spot, I was ready for a nap. I knew Brew would be none the wiser (thank goodness I made him not learn about fishing!), so I figured I would rig us up, insert my ear plugs and get some sun-induced shuteye.

Then the moment I had feared all morning occurred:

“Hey Gary, can I cast this time?”

Oh no…

Being tactful and the gamer that I am, I relented. We were only in 25’ of water, and it seemed that Brew had sorta gotten the concept of thumbing a reel. Besides, how much trouble could occur with a big salt water reel with 50 pound mono on it?

Bad question.

He made his “cast.” The next thing I saw was a nest forming inside that reel that rivaled the best efforts of the third generation Herons on the island across from us. It was nearly as wide as Brew himself before it ever stopped, even as I fully screamed “Thumb down!” about 62 times. The thumb never got down.

So, I rigged the other rod, put a sand shrimp on, and cast it into the shallow catfish water. I handed it to Brew, and started performing line-cut surgery on my Diawa Sealine.

After about 15 minutes of scissoring and still not getting to the bottom of the reel, Brew suddenly grunted.

Grunted?

I looked up just in time to see the Shakespeare ugly stick he was holding fold fully in half! “Set the Hook!” I commanded. I really don’t think he had any idea what I meant, but he fell backwards into his seat and it had the proper effect.

Sure enough, after a short battle, he brought the biggest keeper sturgeon to the boat I have ever landed in any of my sturgeon trips before or since.

As the big pig saddled up next to the boat and politely bellied up, I realized there was no way the salmon net was going around it. So, in a moment of adrenaline based inspiration, I grabbed it just in front of the tail and just lifted it with all I had. I used a wrestling turn move and with a loud “thunk” the load landed in the bottom of the sled.

Wow!

Unfortunately, remember that part about wearing (only) shorts? Well, the big diamondside started flopping around the back of the boat with me doing the chicken-dance and managed to slap my ankle several times with it’s tail. I noticed I was bleeding pretty good there, and on my palm, but with all the excitement there really was no pain to speak of. At least then.

I measured, re-measured, measured again and one more time. It was 71 ˝” every time. This was an era where it could be no longer than 72. And it was dang near as fat!

Promptly the trip was called to an end and we took the prize to my house for processing. Before we left I took a pic of Brew Holding the thing up and giving it a kiss. But I can’t find it now. If/when I do, I’ll scan it and add it to this.

Of course by the following Monday Brew was back at the office and now was the resident expert of Sturgeon. I think it almost helped him develop a relationship with a potential customer.

He made no mention of his casting skills.

Neither did I.

But I did dig sturgeon cartilage out of my constantly festering ankle for the rest of the summer. Don’t doubt it, those skutes can be very sharp - even on the big ones.

And if anyone tells you that you can’t catch sturgeon – big sturgeon – in shallow cat-fishy water, well, it probably isn’t Brew or me.

Hogmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-14-2006, 07:35 PM   #2
Grumpy_one
Tuna!
 
Grumpy_one's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: SE Portland
Posts: 1,283
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (agai

Liked the story
__________________
If you brought fish home everytime, they'd call it catching .
Grumpy_one is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2006, 07:45 PM   #3
bobber_boy
Tuna!
 
bobber_boy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Elmira
Posts: 1,237
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (agai

Very good!
__________________
1986 koffler 18' inboard sled
bobber_boy is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-14-2006, 08:05 PM   #4
Mojo
Ifish Nate
 
Mojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Waaaaay upriver...
Posts: 2,379
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Another classic tale Hog-Man! Thanks for taking the time to entertain and educate us. :grin:
__________________
Mojo
TEAM MOOSE DROOL
30 Stones and a Steak Prostaff
Mojo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2006, 09:01 PM   #5
Small Fry
Sturgeon
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Forest Grove
Posts: 3,966
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Great story
__________________
Team Anglers in Wranglers
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Small Fry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 06:46 AM   #6
PapaHog
King Salmon
 
PapaHog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Newport, Washington
Posts: 23,401
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

I like the "The Impeller Turns" stories and the best part is that they are true as told by a fisherman. :grin:

Fun stuff...Keep it coming. Thanks



__________________
Ken Lane <><

Happiness is having someone to love, someone to love you and someone to hold hands with the final years of this journey.
PapaHog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 06:54 AM   #7
Hanapa'a Time
Ifish Nate
 
Hanapa'a Time's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Coburg, Or.
Posts: 3,394
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Another good read

Thanks Gary
__________________
Hana pa'a= "hook up" or "fish on" in Hawaiian
Hanapa'a Time is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 07:43 AM   #8
backlash442
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,480
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Quote:
thimble-like brain
Some how me thinks not. Pretty funny. Classic better to be lucky than good.
backlash442 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 07:55 AM   #9
Seefood Man
King Salmon
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 5,224
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Here is a happy Brew for ya
Seefood Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 09:07 AM   #10
northriver1
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Junction City
Posts: 3,021
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

It is nice to know the Hog has not retired the Impeller..

Well done young man.
__________________
NR1
team no pants
Team Parker Boats
northriver1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 09:31 AM   #11
Steeliefly
Cutthroat
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tualatin Oregon
Posts: 33
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

This is great! I worked with the guy as well. Always had to be the smartest guy in the room. He wanted to have me take him fly-fishing. I simply refused.
Steeliefly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 09:44 AM   #12
northriver1
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Junction City
Posts: 3,021
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Quote:
Always had to be the smartest guy in the room.
Maybe has was ?
__________________
NR1
team no pants
Team Parker Boats
northriver1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 12:46 PM   #13
cotalot
Tuna!
 
cotalot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Mayberry
Posts: 1,080
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Gary, you got way too much time on your hands, but a great story, nonetheless!

Wors.
__________________
God, Family, Friends, Fishing, The Right to Bear Arms & Riding Motorcycles... That about covers it!
cotalot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 12:51 PM   #14
timinthegorge
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Goldendale, Wa.
Posts: 2,653
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

More, More, More....
__________________
Catchin' is great, but Fishin' is the Greatest!
timinthegorge is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 01:48 PM   #15
Old Coot
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Salem
Posts: 3,479
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)


Thank you, sir!
__________________
Attempting to load greatness.
Process failed.
Old Coot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 03:32 PM   #16
Hogmaster
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Just downstream from the Hole O' Garbage'
Posts: 8,838
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

I changed the title.

To be less offensive and politically incorrect.

To myself. :smile:



PS - Yep, Steeliefly - That's him. And that makes you another of those "unsavory" types. :smile:



Hogmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 06:00 PM   #17
Silverback
Tuna!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oregon City
Posts: 1,329
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Great Story. I've got a co-worker or two like Brew. Maybe I should give it a try. !!!
Silverback is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 06:45 PM   #18
Steeliefly
Cutthroat
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tualatin Oregon
Posts: 33
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Unsavory?... I suppose so - one of those dreaded sales types.
Steeliefly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 06:55 PM   #19
[email protected]
AdminiMom
 
Jennie@ifish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: North Coast
Posts: 118,637
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Just when you thought he had gotten lost in married land, he's back!

:smile:

Thanks, Hog!
J
__________________

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Whoo hooo! What a Ride!”


Jennie@ifish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2006, 09:27 PM   #20
Mad Mikey
Sturgeon
 
Mad Mikey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: God's Country
Posts: 4,836
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Nice narrative buddy.

I guess it's getting time for me to put one up but it'll prolly be in the hunting BB.

Your story gives me a vibe of "Dilbert goes fishing..."...

__________________
For it is by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Mad Mikey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2006, 11:46 AM   #21
skrimmy
Sturgeon
 
skrimmy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Hillsboro
Posts: 3,728
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (agai

He's back! Great story Hogmassa!
Thanks!
__________________
Get the Net!!!

skrimmy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2006, 11:58 AM   #22
HOGGEMIN
 
HOGGEMIN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Gresham
Posts: 5,331
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Thats a awsome story made my day thanks.
__________________
Hoping to do some more fishing.
HOGGEMIN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2006, 08:31 AM   #23
BlindSquirrel
Chromer
 
BlindSquirrel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 822
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Just an awesome story -- a composite of a few people I know... :grin:

Blind Squirrel
__________________
CCA Member, OHA member, RMEF member
BlindSquirrel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2006, 09:11 AM   #24
Hogmaster
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Just downstream from the Hole O' Garbage'
Posts: 8,838
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Glad people are enjoying it.

I just hope "Brew" hasn't caught wind of it yet! :blush:

Then again, if he had, he would have signed up by now to respond with numerous corrections to my grammatical guffaws and malpropolytic writing style! :grin:

He won't be able to counter the story, however, with one exception.

He may not have mentioned HIS casting skills, but now I do have a vauge recollection of him describing in excruciating and never-ending detail to whomever would listen as to the nuances of how one "casts".

I've lost track of him since way back then, though I would not be surprised if he were still hanging at the coffee cart even today.

Here's to ya, Brew!

Hogmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2006, 11:29 AM   #25
slabhunter
King Salmon
 
slabhunter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Bayshore
Posts: 5,532
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Thanks for sharing the tale!
:grin: :grin: :grin:
__________________
"A cheerful heart is good medicine."
slabhunter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2006, 11:57 AM   #26
burnsfactor
Chromer
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: longview wa
Posts: 510
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Nice story!
burnsfactor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2006, 04:29 PM   #27
Skipper Cole
Chromer
 
Skipper Cole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: 523
Posts: 984
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (agai

You the man, I loved it.
__________________
Get on em, stay on em!
Skipper Cole is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2006, 05:22 PM   #28
Mad Mikey
Sturgeon
 
Mad Mikey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: God's Country
Posts: 4,836
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Quote:
Just when you thought he had gotten lost in married land
Gary got married???

I am sooo out of the loop. No wonder he hasn't been writing for a while..... :tongue:
__________________
For it is by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Mad Mikey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2006, 05:26 PM   #29
northriver1
Ifish Nate
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Junction City
Posts: 3,021
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

If that was his only problem
__________________
NR1
team no pants
Team Parker Boats
northriver1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2006, 06:54 PM   #30
D-tangle
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,394
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Sooo funny, Mr. Hog. Thanks. I really laughed.
D-tangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2006, 07:18 PM   #31
Hogmaster
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Just downstream from the Hole O' Garbage'
Posts: 8,838
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Quote:
If that was his only problem

Hey!

Don't make me come down there! :grin:

Actually, that is about the only thing that has gone right!

Hogmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2006, 07:44 PM   #32
Chinookjinxd
Tuna!
 
Chinookjinxd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Southeast Portland/Gresham.
Posts: 1,950
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (again)

Title should be "Some People that you would really enjoy slapping"

lol that was a good one hog I know a few "People" like Brew.

Cant wait till the next Impeller Turns
__________________
Team Rippin Lips !
All fish are innocent until proven finless.
"We Need MORE CLICKER" !
Chinookjinxd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006, 08:41 PM   #33
duckboy
King Salmon
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 5,459
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Were you at the Marble Palace when you were with the phone co, Or broadway, or SW Morrison.

I was with a 3 letter Acronym Phone co for 12 years, and I believe that the stumbler you took fishing may have the initials of G.S. or perhaps M.T.


Am i right?
duckboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006, 10:02 PM   #34
Hogmaster
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Just downstream from the Hole O' Garbage'
Posts: 8,838
Default Re: Mensa and the moron - The Impeller Turns (again)

Sorry, no answer is correct. Well, 1 :smile:

10th and Washington, and 3rd and Morrison.

And the initials, well, keep guessing. :smile:

Hogmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2006, 11:05 PM   #35
5 Salt
Sturgeon
 
5 Salt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Salem
Posts: 3,631
Default Re: Mensa meets Meldrum - The Impeller Turns (agai

Nice job on the writing. Very riveting.

This ADD angler can rarely sit through yarns of this length - I was glued to the screen.
__________________
.
.


Strong Like Bull, Smart Like Tractor...
5 Salt is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Cast to



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:01 AM.

Terms of Service
 
Page generated in 0.43539 seconds with 48 queries