Fishing The Coast, Oregon and Washington
September 2008

"Arty The Smarty" (the Sacred Fishgod) helped us to catch our limit at Diamond Lake

Happy September!

The History of Labor Day

I absolutely adore the first day of each month! And the first day of each week! And the first hour of each day! Isn't it awesome that we are given fresh starts all the time? The first minute of each hour! We can start over! That's awesome!
Read Stan's column, you guys! I really would love to fish El Salto Lake and stay at The Angler's Inn. Stan goes quite often and it sounds awesome! Peacock bass are so large and beautiful.
You know... I never in my life thought I'd meet a cat that prefers to canoe, but not only do I know one, I own one.
She paces the river bank and meows the most pitiful cry until I pick her up.
"I'm coming, Molly! I'm coming to save you!"
Despite a light breeze that fights me, I row over, nudge the bow into the gravel and slide to a shaky stop. I have that mastered, now. If I hit ground just right, the breeze turns the boat so that she can easily jump in.
She jumps in. The sunlight on the canoe's deck is warm, and she instantly lays down to frolic on it, trying to absorb it all onto her back.
Then off we push, and up she goes. Molly's front paws are delicately positioned on the edge of the canoe as we row deeper into the river. She has to see everything!
She's tried to walk the gunwale, but that's a bit shaky and I think she realizes she's close to deep water. Not a good idea, Miss Molly Mae.
We both peer over the sides into the depths to try to find fish. You can tell when she sees one. Her ears perk and she looks at me, as if to say, "Do you see it, too?" It's a wonder she doesn't point.
Yesterday we saw an old battered looking springer. You should have seen her eyes! They are so round, anyhow, but man oh man! Deep, dark circles glaring at me. "Did you see THAT, MOM?"
Mine were probably half as big, but still surprised!
Her favorite landing and resting spot is the small triangle in the bow, and as we slide with the current down to the big hole, she preens herself and licks her paws. When swallows fly overhead, she ducks, even though they are 20 feet up.
It's a pleasure to be her oarsman. (Oarswoman?) She is a delightful "client" to my guide service, and she doesn't weigh enough to rock the boat, badly.
I've tried to take the dogs with me, but believe me! That's not a good idea at all! They just don't understand balance like a cat does.
It's a tough row upstream and I can rarely make it. With only four inches of water and the current coming straight at us, it's almost useless. We fight the canoe with jagged oar strokes and I can tell that she doesn't really prefer this part. So, I, too, give up and head for shore. I pull the canoe up just enough for her to get out and just enough for the canoe not to float away.
The boys, the men in the family will help me later, to bring it to it's resting spot.
Molly gets out and doesn't even thank me for the ride, let alone tip me.
After all, we didn't catch a thing!
I really think I ought to make her wear a life jacket but for the life of me, I can't find one small enough. Her personality is larger than life, but Molly is extremely petite.
You know... Molly. Molly the canoe cat.
I think she's the cat's meow.

I've got to get a pic of her in the canoe.
This is the Molly the drift boat cat.

Later, just now... Oh, man! I just wrote this nice stuff about Molly and I get up to get more coffee and I screamed! A snake up my leg! My bare leg!
I nearly stepped on it, but my robe brushed it and it felt like it was crawling up my leg! Beluadoiriodsfaoius!
A big, long thing that guess WHO brought in! MOLLY!
Maybe she isn't the cat's meow.
So, I picked it up with a broom and dust pan and took it out, but Molly followed me and pounced on it, again. Guess who will come to visit again? I'm putting socks and shoes on!

Pass it on

It only takes a spark
To get a fire going
And soon all those around
Can warm up in it's glowing

That's How it is with God's love
Once you experience it
You'll want To pass It on

What a wonderous time is spring
When all the trees are budding
The birds begin to sing
the flowers start their blooming

That's How it is with God's love
Once you experience it
You'll want to sing
It's fresh like spring
You'll want To pass It on

I wish for you my friend
This happiness that I've found
You can depend on Him
It matters not where you're bound
I'll shout it from the mountaintop
I want the world to know
The lord of love has come to me
And I want To pass It on.

Sorry. I couldn't help but add what I've been singing this morning!
I just added September to my archives and I'm just blown away. For one, because I've been doing this for so long and for two, that I'm still alive! Whoo hooo! I cannot at all relate to folks who complain about Birthdays. To me, it's just plain exciting how old we get to be! LOL... I wouldn't have it any other way! I'll be really sad when they stop!

September 3rd

Win a Zip Vac!
Click to zoom

Molly, departing a canoe ride
Click to zoom

Click to zoom
I am enchanted by the color of water!

I am so concerned, lately. I wrote about my concerns this morning, on the board. When we were smaller, we all agreed that nastiness and name calling had no place on our beloved fishing board.
In so doing, we created a place where public officials felt comfortable posting and often took our opinions to heart. I'm so afraid with all the gill net hate and all of the ODFW criticism, lately, we are going to lose that.
Then, what will we have? Read here.
I took Molly out on the canoe again yesterday and I worked so hard to get a picture! I hadn't had a camera along for so long!
So, I put the camera in my pocket and headed out. For some reason, at first, she didn't want to join me. But, finally I coaxed her in. As I shoved off, Molly immediately walked behind me and sat on the little triangle behind me! Now how am I supposed to take a picture of her, there?! Argh!
Perhaps it is that she doesn't want anyone to know. All I got was a picture of her leaving. I give up!

September 5th

The boat is hooked up and Bill's revving the engine. It sounds so good in this Fall fog! I'm so excited! I need to fish so badly!
It's not the act of playing and catching fish, that I miss so much, but the very act of fish ing, listening to the water, feeling the sunshine, doing nothing with my brain, at all. I can tie a hook blindfolded. No brains necessary!
The board has been wild and crazy this week, with all kinds of new situations!
I finally decided that, hey! I own ifish and I can make some rules. After all, it is I who has to be known as the "girl who allows..."
We have worked so hard to gain whatever respect we have gained from public officials and I'm going to fight not to lose it.
Uh oh... Bill wants to leave! Varoom!
I couldn't sleep at all last night, in anticipation of this trip! I found my Milton Fisher coat that I wore of his, while fishing with him. I just needed to wear it, today. It's good fish karma! I miss him... and Jim... Fishing the Nehalem sure floods me with memories of friends that I have lost. Good friends. Good people.
Honk! OK-- Gotta run! Wish me fishes! The Traeger is lonely!

September 6th

Click Picture to zoom
David and Andrew Martin 1992
My babies.

Fishing was nice. Quiet. Too quiet, for fishing! But it was enjoyable, all the same.
I'm feeling alot of quiet, these days. Not on ifish, but at home.
Bill and I had never marked so many fish, yesterday! We kept checking that the fish finder wasn't on demo mode! They were just thick, swimming under the boat! Those dark Nehalem summers that were waiting for the water to rise so that they could go do their thing. According to the forecast, they'd better get used to it, where they are. No rain for two weeks? Do we believe that?
Their bodies were big and black as they lumbered slow and heavy out of the water. The Nehalem water has that red tint to it, as it often has, late in the summer/early Fall.
It was fun to be in their presence. Frankly, I could have anchored up and read a book, happy just to hear them splash and be in the midst of such great creatures. More and more, it seems I live for the experience of sighting fish, and being near them, rather than fishing for, or killing them.
I must be getting old!
We soon turned to spinners down in the bay. I carefully picked a bright rainbow spinner from my box, that an ifisher had sent me, and tied it on with satisfaction. But, the wind picked up. We were disappointed that the silvers weren't in. We called it a perfect late summer day, fish or no fish!
Bill softly touched the bow of the boat to the dock, and I walked up the ramp to go get the truck.
After so many years of doing so, our takeout system is now practiced and smooth. I'm proud of that!
This is the first year that school hasn't been synonymous with Fall for me. I used to get so excited to see "back to school" news fliers! That meant the kids were going to be gone during the day, and I'd have the whole day to myself! Yippee!
I must have missed the fliers in the paper that advertise the sales.
I am at my computer in the morning, and Bill is at the kitchen table, reading his paper copy. It's no wonder I miss them.
It hit me, though, as we drove past Neahkahnie School district and slowed to the required 20 mph.
David is now 19, and Andrew is 21. (Wow!) They will soon be out of the house, again. Andrew has already moved to a quaint little beach house in Netarts. I'm so envious! It's the cutest little, quietest cottage tucked back in the forest!
David is going back to Portland to live in Southwest with some friends.
The house here is already so quiet! But, I haven't felt the sadness that I felt just a couple years back, at the thought of their leaving. I actually feel guilty for my pleasure in the quiet!
David works from 8 to 5 at Fred Meyers, and so it's almost as if they are gone, already.
I still enjoy cooking for him, though. When that's gone, how will it be?
For the most part, I find myself enjoying it, this time around. Maybe too much! I feel a tinge of guilt, actually.
Fall is so... empty. So quiet, anyhow. There's just a feeling, an odd feeling of desolation or something. The wind in the trees isn't as full as in the Spring and Summer. I miss the "jungle rains" as I've come to call them.- the rain in spring and early summer. The rain now is serious rain. It doesn't seem to resonate like on the earlier, thick canopy of trees. The wind whistles a little more, taking with it the smallest, the driest of leaves and landing them here and there on the rocks of the river.
I stepped on one yesterday on purpose to hear it crunch. One single solitary leaf between two rocks. After the crunch, I stopped to listen and the quiet was so loud!
It was the sound of warm blackberries hanging on the vine. It was the sound of grass, turning brown and dying. It was the absence of birds in the air, and the drooping and dried flowers in their baskets. No matter how much fertilizer I add, they fail. Some women take to gardening, after their kids leave the nest. But, mine are dying. What now? LOL
There is no screaming from the boys on the old trampoline. In fact, the trampoline is gone, and the garden and lawn is neatly trimmed and green there, now. No signs of dead grass, wear and tear from jumping (or heaven forbid!) falling off. No blankets piled high on it, from summer sleep overs.
There is no rock and roll music blaring from Andrew's window, nor the sound of his bass guitar, playing along.
No saxophone tugging at my soul as the blues scale echoes down the river, practiced for David's jazz band at school.
The refrigerator is looking empty. No need to buy multiple gallons of milk. Cooking for few will be a challenge.
There. I made myself cry, now. I needed that, actually. Now, I can enjoy my quiet and still know that I love my kids more than anything in the world. It's alright to let them go. It's healthy. It's normal. It's what we do.
I'll never stop loving, never stop being concerned, and as Bill says, "It will be nice to have them for Sunday dinners."
I've always loved Fall, but it is a very complex and emotional time for me. So many associated feelings, losses, gains, death and new life!
Fishing the Nehalem always brings to mind the loss of my friends, Jim Erickson and Milton Fisher.
On the flip side, Fall salmon fishing has my mind filled with excitement and anticipation. When will the first real rain hit and bring them home to me, here on the Kilchis? When will the chums come, all dressed up in their Holiday Halloween costumes?
I adore fishing the bay when the mornings are cool and the days are still warm!
And after Fall, the long anticipated steelhead run!
It will be the first time that I can fish without worry of having to pick up after, drive to go get, or worry about kids schedules of any kind! Woo hooo!
Today I'm going to clean out Andrew's closet. Finally, I can have my Christmas and Holiday decorations inside the house, and at the ready. I've actually skipped some Holiday decorations because they were in the storage shed, and were too hard to find.
At the same time, though, I just had a terrible thought! What will this be like? Will it be really sad to have a house all lit up and decorated, and no one there to expect Santa?
Fall... So many mixed up feelings, here. I'm happy, but I'm sad, but I had to make myself sad so I wasn't guilty, but... ah, crud! WOMEN!
I think I'll go down to the river to be with my fish!
Soon... very soon, the river will be full of salmon! And then, they too... will leave me to go do their thing, just like my kids have!

September 9th

I've been bitten and bitten hard. I've got the fish bug. I'm going out, soon. Help me! I can't stop! Bill is getting the boat ready. The dogs are excited to come along.
I always thought it was a marvel that the salmon knew how to pick the river to return to, but dangit, I have the same bug! I know just where to go! It's in the air, it's in the wind, it's in my soul!
Genetically programmed, we are!
Hey-- but take a break from the fishing for a moment to consider attending the Tillamook Angler's Disabled Fishing Day. It's an annual thing, and it really feels good to not only give back a little, but to help out these great kids, and while doing so, help out the Tillamook Anglers. Without them, we wouldn't have so many fish! What a dedicated group of folks the Tillamook Angler's are. Indeed! Come join us and meet some! From Jerry Dove:
To Whom It May Concern:
Is is that time of year again for The Tillamook Anglers 17th annual fishing day for kids with disabilities! The event is taking place Saturday, September 13th, 10am at the Whiskey Creek Volunteer Fish hatchery in Tillamook, OR. (cont. here)
Unfortunately, I cannot attend. It is my 25th high school class reunion. (Oh my, I'm old!) I haven't been to a reunion, to date. I can't wait!
It's been so warm in the Kilchis Valley of late. Downright hot, in fact. But, I have that icky clogged throat thing that seems to go with the change in weather, sometimes. I get up in the morning and it's chilly, so I layer the clothes on. By noon, I go out to water my plants and feel I need to change into shorts and a tee shirt. Then, by dark, it's back into sweaters! I'm busy changing clothes and can't get anything done!
I've been enjoying myself canoeing around the river when the wind isn't too strong. I haven't spotted many fish, although there is one spot in the river that's just enchanting. There are thousands of tiny fry mulling around. I mean thousands! They are in about 3 feet of water and I can just float on top of them, mesmerized for hours! There is something just enticing about floating on top of the water in a canoe on a warm, sunny day. It pulls me from the computer and refreshes me, each time. It's just so easy and natural and like... well, it's like staring into an aquarium! An aquarium that you have no idea what you will see!
I have a bumper crop of raspberries coming on! Everything is so late, it seems. The blackberries aren't even ripe! My blueberries just seem to sit there, half ripe and half, still sour!
I think I had two or three freesia bloom out of 50 or more. Most got eaten by something or another! The rest are suspended in a state of "will it flower, or will it not?"
I give up on gardening. I'm onto a better method of harvest. Salmon! Now, I can do that! You watch!

September 11th

I usually love the UPS man!
As a very careful shopper, I scour auction sites in my spare time. I scored a brand new pair of red Donald Pliner designer shoes that originally cost $300. I got them for $10! I get so excited when I find deals like that! I'm so proud of these purchases!
I bought a brand new pair of bright yellow Ugg boots that someone's young daughter took an ink pen to. The gal selling them thought they were ruined. One man's junk... Usually selling for 200, I bought them for 15 dollars, and I "bejeweled" them! I simply traced the ink design with little glued on diamonds. They are beautiful and custom, now! What a deal! What a steal! I get so many compliments on them!
But, yesterday while out in the canoe, I heard the honk of the UPS man. I hurried to meet him and took delivery of a great big box! I sighed, as I read who it was from, and without much excitement, I left it sit. It was heavy, anyhow. I couldn't (or shouldn't) lift that much weight, so there it sat until David got home to lift it and put it on my office floor for later.
Bill didn't know what I had. He's so used to deliveries for me, but except for the size, he probably assumed designer clothes from ebay. He should have known, though. Had it been that big of a box of designer clothes, I would have ripped it open like Christmas and trails of wrappings would have lead to my changing room!
This was right out in the open. Not a 'fun' purchase! No need to hide Nordstrom tags from him, or anything. Yes, I'm guilty. Even though I get wonderful deals and I'm a good sale shopper, I still feel guilty and I DO hide from him the occasional new clothes purchase! When (or if) he notices me in something new, I just say, "Oh! This old thing?"
I have to laugh.
If I were to spend $400 on a pair of waders, Bill would be fine with that. And somehow, one can never have enough boats or expensive fishing rods. Those are fine with him. Approved expenses. But clothes and girl things? Bah!
Once, fully realizing Bill's thrifty ways, I treated myself to a pedicure. Regardless that I pay my own way in life, Bill teases me about any foofy 'girl' expenses. I rarely get a pedicure!
But I am worth it, I convinced myself, and went ahead. I wanted fake diamonds on my toes! Fisher or not, I'm still a girl!
Afterwards, I left the name blank on the check I wrote the salon, and before I got home, quickly penciled in "Lamiglas" in my check register!
It worked! (Sh!)
If only Joes, Okuma or Lamiglas would pick up a designer women's clothing line, I'd be one happy girl!
Anyhow, opening that big box in my office, I yelled, "It's a '57 Chevy!"
That got his attention! Up he rose, to come in to see.(Up from his leather chair/couch puchase-I'll never fully understand what is approved and what is not!)
He laughed.
Inside, nearly glowing neon, was a flashy bright red chassis all decorated with chrome fans and gizmos, slots and wires everywhere!
It is my new Dell computer! They gave a choice of red or black, and for fun, I chose red. I'm almost embarrassed. It's really bright and fancy! I think it's a gaming computer! David convinced me that "gaming" computer, just means a good one. In all of my 12 years of computer use, I've yet to load a game onto a computer! But, I got a killer deal and this will (over) suit my needs, I'm sure. Unlike a pair of new jeans, I hope it to last me my entire life! I can have several applications open at once, and it won't slow me down. Or, so they say.
My last computer lasted me 6 years. My tech came to fix an issue last month and told me that it's finally time to replace mine. He also said he rarely says that. So, I finally ordered it up.
I'll have monthly payments, just like as if it were a '57 Chevy!!
But, where is the gas pedal? Where, oh, where do I begin? I just realized I have to have another monitor to begin the transfer.
Never have I been so unexcited after putting out such a large volume of money. And it's not like I have that kind of money sitting around, so I put it on credit.
As Pete says, "...something about new computers is like getting back to ground zero, and all that work of moving things from one machine to another isn't much fun."
He's right. For the next week or more, I'll be transferring programs. -For the next year or more, not only will I be paying this car-like loan off, but I'll realize that I forgot to copy certain files. I bought a program called "PC Link" or something, that's supposed to transfer all my programs. I hope it works!
David is already leering at my old computer, wondering how well it would perform with his games. Sadly for he, I've already donated it to the the North Coast Steelheaders for Bill to use. It will be perfect for that, and thank God, if I do need any files, they'll be safe there, until I need them!
And so, I sit here staring at my '57 Chevy, not knowing how to start it, or where to even begin. It's sure pretty.
Can you imagine getting to spend that much money on clothes? Oh, heart- be still. I'll get to that flashy computer in a minute. I've got to go check out ebay, first.
Oh! By the way, George the cutthroat lives! He isn't gone, after all! Yesterday I took a canoe ride in the morning and saw him! It was so good to see him, too! Same cutthroat, I'm sure of it! The sunlight in the morning is the best light to sight fish. I'd been going later in the day. But, there he was! I was so excited to see him! We played the same games, where we line up and try to dodge each other.
We haven't fished cutthroat, this summer but once, and here's why.
Bill is on jury duty and he had the pleasure of visiting with Officer Brett Seaholm. I was very interested to hear that officer Seaholm has come to the same conclusion that we have. He grew up on the Kilchis and told Bill that he's never seen so few cutthroat, when he looks over the bridge. Usually we can't count them, there are so many!
I read in the paper the other day about the wonderful conditions off shore, right now. I wonder... I just wonder if that's where they are? Could they be out in the ocean, feeding? Wouldn't that be lovely!
I just can't bring myself to even fly fish this year. I am enjoying the very few of them, just gazing down into the depths from a canoe.
I think I'll leave my new computer and go out in my canoe to see if George is there, this morning. Maybe I'll take some light reading along. I've searched the box, but no where can I find a Chilton manual for this ... eh hem... shiny red '57 Chevy.

September 12th

Interesting. Yesterday out on the river, I heard it for the first time in months. I was walking along, and I just stopped, short and listened! It was she! My hilarious bird! I said to Kilchis, "Do you hear it?" He stopped and wagged his tail! He did!
The ridiculously happy 'can't-see-it-to-see-who-it-is' bird, but the bird, I think it's a dipper-that sings dolce trills and scales in staccato and legato, crescendo and decrescendo, largo, and then, almost like a torch song, ends in something like Mozart's Exsultate jubilate! (That was a mouthful!) And then it begins all over again! Kind of a DS al coda in bird song!
Do you know why she sings? I have it figured out! She always starts this song in late Fall.
I believe she is singing for her empty nest!
And it's not a sad song!
She sings because she is free and her children are doing well! (as far as she knows!)
On the way back to the house, this song came to my mind, and it's been there, since. I accompanied a wonderful singer and we played this in concert in several places around the US. I loved this song!
I'm leaving today for my 25th class reunion. So many thoughts of my past are racing through my mind!

From Sondheim's Sweeny Todd

Green finch, and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
sitting in cages
never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain
staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
How is it you sing?
Green finch. and linnet bird,
nightingale, blackbird
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody
constantly floating?
Is it rejoicing or merely aloaming?
Are you discussing?
Or fussing?
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?
Ringdove and robinet
is it for wages?
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it's safer in cages
singing when you're told?
My cage has many rooms
damask and dark...
Nothing there sings,
not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
when they're captive.
Teach me to be more
Green Finch, and Linnet Bird,
nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...
Let me sing.

Oh my gosh! I have to go play Brahms, Meine Liebe ist grün!!! (Opus 63 #5... My love is Green) I haven't played that in ages, and this song reminded me of it, somehow!!
I have left such an odd life behind with my fishing, here!
From Brahms to fishing? Huh???
So different from what I do, now! My friends are so different! I hung out with people that I identified by their instruments. Now, I identify people by fishing moniker on ifish!
Back then, though, there was Kim the violinist and Janice the bassoonist. Todd the cute clarinet guy I dated, who is now in the Oregon symphony. He left me for Tinkerbell the timpani player! (I used to say that with a hiss!) How is Murray the trumpet player? I haven't seen him in ages! And Shannon the soprano, and Dot the french horn player?
- and Can you believe I used to spend all day behind a piano, playing this stuff with these people? With Nancy the opera singer, just like these people do?
Do I miss it? Yes! I think so! I often think that if I were ever to get bored with this, I could always move to New York and become a rehearsal accompanist, again. It pays well! If only my hands could take it and my eyes could see again! Schubert kills!
Looking back, I don't think I need to be taught to be more adaptive, though! LOL
That is one tough piece to play, but I nailed it! We just soared with that piece! Nancy! I miss that! And Schubert's Lieder and I loved the Goethe stuff!
Sometimes my heart goes singing... :) Why doesn't Itunes carry any of this? There was one about the "cool night" and I can't find it!
(I found it! "Der Tod, Das Ist Die Kühle Nacht" Op. 96, No. 1 3:10) Yay! On Itunes of all places!

Well, have a great day. Thanks for letting me ramble!


September 15th

I had the best time, this weekend! Oh, man... Tammy Lucento/McCollum is a childhood girlfriend of mine. We lived three streets apart, growing up in Canby. I have so many great memories of our friendship. We stayed together in a motel room and my jaw hurts from both laughing and talking, non stop! What fun! We had a pajama party and caught up on years of our past.
I think it will take forever to get the sugar out of my system. Girly foo-foo drinks with umbrellas in them and ice cream and cookies and sugar, sugar, sugar! It was all worth it, though!

Tammy and I in the Canby Parade

Alright. So, here's a funny story. You can make sport of me all you want. I deserve it. Oh, vanity!
I wanted to look great for my reunion! Who doesn't? It's important, right!?
First off, I wanted to wear my new Uggs. They are so beautiful! They are happy boots! They have 60's flowers all over them! LOL. Well, it was 85 degrees. That wasn't going to happen!
Tammy and I brought along several outfits, just like in high school. We laughed and tried things on and voted on what to wear. All the fancy stuff went back into our bags as we decided, what the heck. Let's just be ourselves! Jeans and tee shirts won out over everything else. We laughed about how I used to try on 10 different outfits before I was comfortable going out. Things haven't changed.
Well, here's the good part!
I wanted my face to look good. How to do that? Oh! I know! RetinA! I had a tube of that stuff from the doctor, after my big surgery. After dying like that, my skin felt dead. So, my doc ordered this for me and I never did try it.
You know, aortic dissections and dying isn't good for beauty. Not at all! I swear that my hair turned gray and wiry overnight! It did! But I fixed that in no time with "magic in a box".
Finally, after four years, I do have my real hair back. It's finally soft and like it was, pre surgery. What a relief, there. I finally like my hair, again.
Then, I started on my face. I applied the retinA nightly, starting a week before. I didn't realize, having never used it, that the way it works is to peel off the top coat of your face, revealing fresh new skin, underneath.
So, then I went tanning. I wanted a nice golden healthy look to me. Oh... that felt good! My face got a bit red, but that's OK, right?
OK, now get this... I still had no clue! I had a few random hairs on my upper lip and I had to get rid of those! I got out this little waxing kit and went to work, waxing those little buggers off! Oh, was I going to look hot! LOLOLOL... Oh, look! There are some more hairs... peach fuzz, over here. Get that, too! I went a little overboard with the waxing. I was going to be flat out gorgeous!
I didn't even realize it till the next day, when I went to wash my face. It burned, really badly! When I got up the next morning, something was irritating my upper lip, my lower lip... everywhere I had waxed and I had waxed, everywhere! (On my face!) I ran my fingers over it and horrors of all horrors! It was totally scabbed over! I ran to the mirror and oh no! I had waxed my face off! You know... wax on, wax off! Skin on... skin off!
I can't stop laughing! Oh! Yes! My face was glowing, alright! Leave it to me!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we go to the salon. They do not take your face off, there, when waxing! And, they remind you NOT to tan before waxing, or not to use RetinA, either!
So, Tammy and I giggled when an old classmate said to me, "You just glow!"
Ah, yes... glowing with crusty red and brown scabs!
Come on over to Jennie's salon, girls! I'll fix you up!
My face still hurts!!!
My gut does, too. I still can't quit laughing!
On the way home, Tammy followed me to the summit of Hiway 6, and we looked for chanterelle mushrooms. We found some, but not many. It was just too dry. We were not dressed for the forest, either! She broke her sandals and I nearly broke my leg!
We had such a good time, though.
It really was good to see all of our old friends and classmates!
I'm glad to be home. My canoe waits for me on the river beach. Fishing out in the bay should be good with the better tides, this week. Get out there and get 'em! I hope to, also, as soon as I catch up on "".
Still working on my 57 Chevy, but I'm turning it into a Thunderbird convertible, instead. You wait!

September 17th

Good morning, all you Fall lovers, out there. Drop all of that "Oh, but everything is dead and the birds aren't singing and my garden is dying" blues, and get into step!
The salmon are coming!
The salmon are coming!
The air has a crisp sharpness to it that was absent, all summer. The wind is dry and the trees crackle when it blows. Flurries of leaves fill the air and land at your feet. Look at the colors! My "hilarious" bird, the dipper, sings a beautiful song to me, from across the river. I talk to her and she listens and begins again.
The river is low and lacking in nutrients for the baby fish, I know. But, they are cute, even so, as they jump around in the shallows.
Make of it what you want, but I want to be happy! I must! Because all around me, is silent! I can't for the life of me change it, so let's just love it. OK? I can't want for the salmon to come, and have it happen! They just aren't here, yet!
Hey-- Francis Caldwell's column will be a bit delayed this month. Look for his book "Salmon On My Mind" coming to ifish, soon! Darnit, anyhow, but they sent him a copy on PDF, and it's very difficult to copy the right parts, without buying the pro edition, which is very expensive! (That we know of, anyhow.) So, I have to wait for it in the mail. Stay tuned!
The column is coming!
The column is coming!
So, now that we are in an animated, suspense filled state, this morning, let's talk.
I miss cutthroat fishing! I do. I worry about them, though, and I just can't bring myself to try it. The river is open to bait! As soon as it rains, I'll try a glob of eggs for salmon, but I worry about George! What if he tries a bite and I go for the big hookset and fling him over my shoulder? I shudder.
I canoe over the river and see George and very few other cutthroat. George is my friend, the Kilchis resident cutthroat. I can't imagine hooking George. He is all by his lonesome out there in the deep hole. I even worry about what he'll think when Mr. Salmon shows up and scares the bejeebers out of that little fish! For a cutthroat, George is not small, but a 40 pound salmon? Can you imagine? Some big fat hen swimming overhead? George might wonder about Nutrisystem, get on the program himself, in fear of becoming like her! I would!
My Dad called yesterday, wanting to salmon fish. Bill and I do, too! Today we are going to go out in the bay to try it out. Haven't been out there, yet. We've been in the upper bay, but had no luck. It was when the tides were smaller, though. Perhaps today will be better!
Gone, seem to be the days when we were dialed in. We just don't go often enough. Life seems busy and I am not well, all the time. It's rougher, picking our days.
Everyone knows that you either have to be dialed in or just plain lucky, to catch fish. We haven't been either, this season!
But, we are resigned to change that! We are trying!
It's been four years since my aortic dissection... or almost. For the first time, since then, I can honestly say that I feel a bit better. I know that my aorta is still dissected, and it could pop at any time. If that happens, then I'm gone, but what's good is that I don't think about that, 24/7. It's melded softly into a 24/7 appreciation for life. I wake in the morning and I'm thankful. I am thankful as I go to sleep at night. I appreciate my friends, my family, more. I smile more often. I skip dinner, sometimes, in favor of ice cream.
Yesterday as the sunshine warmed my back, Bill and I sat at the picnic table, sipping coffee and visiting. The dogs were wagging their tails beside us, waiting for me to throw the ball. I was able to do that! I could get up on my own two feet and throw a ball for my dogs! Now, that is a simple thing for most, but when you have that ability taken from you, you never forget to appreciate the natural ability that most of us take for granted, daily.
I can walk!
I can walk!
I looked all around me, and saw that everything was good. My flowers were beautiful, the sunshine felt marvelous. It reminded me of the time that I was very ill, and wheelchair bound. It was the dead of winter, and I was alone, and chilled. The sun seldom hits the deck in the winter, and it enticed me, drew me out the door. I just had to feel the sunshine!
I struggled and worked so hard to open that door! I had to make my way over the door jam, to feel those rays! I made it! I'll never forget how glorious that sunshine felt! Even though I was stuck outside, then, and couldn't get back until someone came home to rescue me. But, it was such an accomplishment! Pure sunshine, even at 50 degrees in the dead winter was deliriously wonderful! And now, I worship the sun! Every time I feel it, see it, it races my heart. I can't help it!
When Bill finally came home that day, the sunshine was gone, and I was shivering. But, I had a huge smile on my face, due to both the memory of the sunshine, and the accomplishment of where I went, all by myself, that day.
So, you can imagine how I feel, now, as I walk to the river, or throw a ball for the dogs, or simply get in and out of the shower all by myself!
I sit fondly on the back deck in the white plastic chair that Bill rigged for me, back then, to be able to sit in the shower. I'd sit and feel the wonderful warmth of water, hit me on the back. Remember that I had no circulation to my legs at all, so everything about me felt bitter cold. My feet ached like solid ice. It's no longer like that, thanks to my surgeons! Warmth from the sunshine or from hot water is forever my friend, now!
When my Dad called yesterday, he ran through the ritual of "How are you?" I could honestly answer, "I'm great, Dad!"
Life is good. I am honored and genuinely happy to share with you, with my friends and with my family, the coming of Fall and the passing of seasons.
Fall is coming! Francis Caldwell's column is coming! The salmon are coming and, and... I can walk! What more can we ask for?
Let's go fishing!

September 18th

Click for a bigger pic
Muhahahaha.... 31 pounds of Mrs. Salmon!

How much fun was yesterday? A ton! I just had a great day! It's a good thing every day isn't that great, otherwise I wouldn't know it when it happened! I had more fun than a barrel of monkeys!
FISH ON! Read about it, here!
I wish I knew how to post pictures from my iphone. I had to e mail this to the mods and ask them to post it. Thanks to Dave for posting it for me!
I want to do live reports with pictures! I guess I could get one of those picture accounts, or the new "mobileme" but... I want to do it from the iphone, directly to ifish! Oh, technology, you are still growing!

September 20th

I'm wild about this SAFE stuff. I'm so excited. Have you heard? I tried to plaster it all over, but it's awesome. Read Bill Monroe's post and/or article on his Oregon Live blog!
At the same time, though, I've been so depressed. I really goofed up. I don't know if honest to God, I could have done anything to change it, but, I'm just sick about the keep fishery of cutthroat.
I didn't go to any meetings.
I didn't do a darn thing, in fact.
I was told by several people that it wouldn't happen.That the proposal had no way in heck of passing.
I have been reminded by people above me that I should never take a strong stance on anything. That ifish is a great place because everyone is welcome, here, who support the fisheries. We are to welcome everyone who supports the fisheries, and as a publisher, I shouldn't advocate for any particular position.
But-- it passed! Wha? I can't help it. I'm sad. In fact, I'm freaked out!
My jaw just dropped when I heard. They are going to let someone kill my pet cutthroat, George?
Yes. In 2009, the ODFW proposal to retain cutthroat trout passed! It passed! I don't know the details, but I think you get to keep two cutthroat trout, now.
I'm just sick about it. I just can't imagine.
Like I said, I don't know that I could have done anything more than to show my great appreciation of those beautiful, spiritual fish, and from what I heard, their minds were made up. But-- but if I could have, if there were something that I could have done more-- then to all that I've failed, I am so sorry.
Just know that I won't be killing any of those gorgeous creatures! -and for all of those out there that join me in the celebration of their continued life and sustained good health, I toast you.... you know, along with my dinner of crow.

September 19th

Woo hoo! Francis' first chapter of Salmon on My Mind is available, here!
Oh, you guys! This is the most awesome book! You MUST read it. You have no idea what a privilege it is for us to be able to have the book right here on ifish! Thank you, Francis!
When I started reading this book for the first time, I felt exactly like I was there, and I couldn't leave the book be! It was in my hand until it was finished! Please enjoy it!
I hear there are fish around! Time to go hunt for them!
Last night I walked down to the river, later than usual. Bill had to go to an R and E meeting in Forest Grove, so I was on late night dog walk duty and had to make sure the chickens were in their coop, safe and sound.
As I approached the river bank, I was the first to notice a family of 5 river otters! They were close to our shore, which is unusual. They are usually on the other side of the river. It was so fun to watch them! I couldn't believe it, but Molly the brave river cat wanted to get at them! She approached the river bank and wouldn't back off! And they are mean! So fun to watch, though. They look as if they are friendly, cute little things, but look out! They and Rev really got into it, once, in the middle of the river when Rev swam out, even as I scolded her not to. She didn't learn, though. She headed out, last night, too! Anyhow, no one was worse for the wear, but it was entertaining. I love those little guys! So cute!
Enjoy the book. I'm off to hunt salmon!
Oh! Sometimes I worry so heavily about not getting things done. I have too much to do. I start feeling guilty for not doing this, or not doing that. Then, a friend reminded me of this:
Therefore, I tell you, don't be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food, and the body more than clothing? See the birds of the sky, that they don't sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns. Your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you of much more value than they?
"Which of you, by being anxious, can add one moment to his life span? Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don't toil, neither do they spin, yet I tell you that even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today exists, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, won't he much more clothe you, you of little faith?
"Therefore don't be anxious, saying, 'What will we eat?', 'What will we drink?' or, 'With what will we be clothed?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first God's Kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore don't be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day's own evil is sufficient.
Matthew 6:25-34
Don't be anxious. Do what good that you can! Most important, be joyful and peaceful and love one another. It really is as simple as that!
Have a great day!

September 20th

I'm wild about this SAFE stuff. I'm so excited. Have you heard? I tried to plaster it all over, but it's awesome. Read Bill Monroe's post and/or article on his Oregon Live blog!
At the same time, though, I've been so depressed. I really goofed up. I don't know if honest to God, I could have done anything to change it, but, I'm just sick about the keep fishery of cutthroat.
I didn't go to any meetings.
I didn't do a darn thing, in fact.
I was told by several people that it wouldn't happen.That the proposal had no way in heck of passing.
I have been reminded by people above me that I should never take a strong stance on anything. That ifish is a great place because everyone is welcome, here, who support the fisheries. We are to welcome everyone who supports the fisheries, and as a publisher, I shouldn't advocate for any particular position.
But-- it passed! Wha? I can't help it. I'm sad. In fact, I'm freaked out!
My jaw just dropped when I heard. They are going to let someone kill my pet cutthroat, George?
Yes. In 2009, the ODFW proposal to retain cutthroat trout passed! It passed! I don't know the details, but I think you get to keep two cutthroat trout, now.
I'm just sick about it. I just can't imagine.
Like I said, I don't know that I could have done anything more than to show my great appreciation of those beautiful, spiritual fish, and from what I heard, their minds were made up. But-- but if I could have, if there were something that I could have done more-- then to all that I've failed, I am so sorry.
Just know that I won't be killing any of those gorgeous creatures! -and for all of those out there that join me in the celebration of their continued life and sustained good health, I toast you.... you know, along with my dinner of crow.

September 22nd

Happy Monday, boys and girls. Yawn!
I have an appointment at 7:30 AM. Now, thems dairy cow hours! How many businesses in Portland open and accept clients at 7:30? LOL
I fished Nehalem this weekend, and didn't do a thing. We were all excited with our K11's all set up for silver fishing. We were just cocky-sure that this would be the go-to lure. Pink and white with a dangling Gulp worm off the treble hook. Hm. No bites. Of course, no one else around was getting bit, so who knows? Thing is, if that isn't producing, I'm the kind of person who believes in changing up gear, but Bill kept insisting that no one else was getting bit, so we stayed vigilant with what we had and likewise, had vigilantly nothing bite! Who knows... who knows... Sometimes we fish, and sometimes we catch.
We are at the very least, working on being dialed in!
I'm thinking of adopting two little charming kitties. It will be fun having youngsters around. I can't help but think back when Jim Erickson and Loretta adopted two little kittens. They are so fun to watch, when you get two!
Can't help but think how Molly the river cat will do with this! Or, Rev... Kilchis will just cuddle up with them, I'm sure, but Rev? Look out! New chew toys!
Well, I'm off to the zoo. Lots to do, today. Have a great week, and save those salmon, OK?

September 24th

As I was paying bills, I glanced at my calendar. My gosh! Three more months till the end of the year! Sometimes, like a almost eaten package of cookies, I just want to finish the rest, so they are all cleaned up, and I won't be tempted anymore! They aren't as fattening, if you eat them all at one time! Although the reasoning isn't sound, an opened package of cookies is way more tempting than a sealed one. That way, just like the days remaining, they won't seem to go so fast? I don't know. I just don't want time to fly, but it sure has. Where oh where did the year go?
I almost started this writing off exclaiming the beauty of the morning, but I glanced outside and that blue true dream of sky that we had yesterday, has clouded over, and it's raining. How did that happen?
Last I knew, I was floating around in the canoe, staring in wonder at how clear the water was, and how well I could make out every rock, 15 feet down.
I'll tell you.
I've been head down at this computer, trying to resolve a software issue. I'm the type that can't sleep, can't give up, till I fix a problem.
It all started when I tried to scan something. Error!
There is no scanning device associated with this computer.
Wha? Is too!
So, since then, I've been uninstalling and trying to reinstall. I've even tried in frustration to physically point to it, right there next to my computer. See? There is my scanner! -but firewalls and ports and restores be darned, it wouldn't recognize it.
I gave up in a fit last night, and woke this morning and started in by calling HP. I spent three hours online with a gal at HP who couldn't seem to fix it, either. She finally said, "There is no reason that this shouldn't install!" Yep. That's what I came up with!
So, before I totally gave up and bit the "Please reinstall your operating system." suggestion of failure, I phoned Dell, who created this lovely piece of technological genius. Five minutes later... five minutes!-- he had logged into my system and fixed it for me.
He is my hero! I wanted to jump through hoops to get to this man in some different country to hug him! I wrote a letter to his boss, instead. I'm big on thank you notes. Especially to those who help me!
I was so glad that he called himself by his rightful name, 'Kushal'. That made me like him all the more. It bothers me when overseas tech support people speak in vague English, and you can just barely, if that, understand them. When they get through their long unoriginal welcome spiel and then say at the end, "...and my name is-- Ted." Yeah, right! Ted! I don't think so.
Pete once had me in near stitches when he eeked out frustration over a tech support nightmare, and said the guy kept calling him "MrPeterMorris" all in one word.
So, here's to Kushal in a splendidly different country way over somewhere, who has saved me from the "Please reinstall your operating system" nightmare!
Ah, what the heck. I'm going to polish off that box of cookies. I deserve it. -and this way, I won't gain as much as if I eat one every day. Don't ask me how that works, but my mind has it that it does.

September 27th

Oh, I had a rough day, yesterday.
Parenting never ends. I remember my dentist saying to me that raising children is no sweat. That when they get to be young adults... that's when the challenge comes. I laughed, thinking he was joking.
He was not. I am sure, now, that he was not joking!
I am so worried about my son, Andrew. I love him with all of my heart, and I spend my days, lately, worrying about him, instead of placing my faith in God. God will take care of him. I know he will. So, why do I worry?
It's one of those things where I know to not worry, and I hand it over to God, but then I take it back, thinking that I can do a much better job of worrying. I spend most of my days, playing this game of hot potato. It's yours! It's mine!
I pray to take away my worry and give me faith. That's all I can do. And then I take it back as mine, again.
I could tell when I was winning the faith game when I made a winning decision to romance the day by taking a walk in the woods. With bag swinging in hand, I forced myself to sing, searching for chanterelles, searching for peace. Soon, it became easier, and my heart was lighter.
The tall, beautiful old growth always soothes and refreshes me. It was good Chi, mon!
Rays of sunshine broke through the tops of the trees and lit on my cheek. I stared up and just drank it all in. The warmth felt so good in contrast to the cool shade of the moss covered forest. A slight breeze blew and tickled and cooled the sweat on my forehead.
The sun was God, kissing my cheek. The cool breeze was His reassurance.
Soon, I walked into a spot where the trees opened up and I was enveloped in sunshine, covered in God's warmth.
I was full, in faith.
He loves me. I am surrounded by His love.
Why couldn't I just stay there in that place? Clouds soon began to cover that faith-in-the-sky and I was vulnerable, once again.
I am human. I fail.
When I go for a walk in the deep woods, I always feel like Katharine Hepburn from "On Golden Pond". I loved the scene where she went out with her basket, collecting mushrooms. I'll have to watch it again, but my mind has it that she is happy, swinging her basket, and singing as she goes. Was she singing? If she wasn't, she was in her heart. It was a picture of pure joy and I can relate to that. It's what I strive for, all the time. But, you can't have that all the time. If not for our tough times, we wouldn't know that pure joy, pure contentment, pure love. Peace.
I often sing out there in the woods, or on the river, knowing no one can hear me except Bill, and Bill doesn't care. He's used to me crazy.
Make a joyful noise. Believe me, my singing is not beautiful, but it is joyful!
Sometimes I'll sing in the morning, and break into the kitchen and say, "What do you want to sing with me, this morning, Bill?"
That makes him laugh. Bill doesn't sing, unless it's crooning along with Elvis, but he never sings in the morning!
I like to sing when I'm happy, and I like to sing to make me happy!
My "basket" for collecting mushrooms is one of those Fred Meyers recycled grocery bags, but it's a basket enough for me. It still swings in my hands.
I miss Katharine Hepburn. She was so lovely. What class. What beauty.
When I got home, I rested for a while and then took the dogs out with me, while I rode in the canoe. The day turned cloudy and a rain drop or two fell from the sky. It was moist and rich and full, thick like a rain forest all around me. My tears fell, too.
The river rose about 2 inches in the last two days, and it was fun to see the changes.
Bit by bit, the water level will rise, until it is full enough to hold a salmon.
Come home, salmon, come home!
Come home, Andrew, come home!
My cat, Molly, hopped in the back and settled in for the ride. I pushed off the shore and we were off!
She scares me. She really wants out on the other side. Can you imagine being a cat, staring at the other side of the river for so many days a year, and finally being offered, (or almost) the chance to hunt "the other side?"
It's kind of like fishing.
It's kind of like Andrew.

The other side of the river is always better. Isn't it? No matter where you are? Who you are? Thing is, if I let her out, would she come back?
Will Andrew come back?
As I near the other shore, she leans out, her ears perk up. I can see her thinking, "Can I make the leap?" That's when I back paddle! "No, Molly! No!" She does swim, you know!
Maybe when the fish come in, and I'm ready to fish the other side, I'll risk it, and take her with me. I only hope that I can bring her home, again! There are lions and tigers and bears on the other side, you know!
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! ... temptation of wanting to see the other side... the risk of never coming home...
Oh, I worry about Andrew.
I love him with all of my heart, and he's treading in dangerous waters, seeking out different options in life, and I'm awfully worried.
But, there is nothing I can do but have faith that he'll make the leap, that he'll land safely, and that he'll come home, safely in the end, appreciating what I taught him, in the few years that I had, to show him the way I know best.
When I was his age, I made that dangerous leap. Now I know how my Mother felt! I treaded dangerous waters, and I made it, safely, home. I was wiser for my travels, and learned that I liked it so much better on my side of the river.
How will he ever learn how much better it is, if he doesn't live the other side himself, to see?
I pray for faith and peace and strength and I ask that you help me in any way that you also pray.

September 29th

click to zoom
I love this picture of Kilchis and Andrew!

Man, that picture takes me back!
With an empty nest for the first time in a long time, (again), my mind travels back several times a day to things like this. Innocence! If that doesn't say innocent, I don't know what does!
Bill and I drove Dave to his new residence in Portland, on Saturday. Moving is never fun, and Dave learned that! I guess we relearned it, too.
Finally, we were packed. We had three cars full loaded and ready to roar.
"OK, Dave. What's the address?"
"I don't know, but I do know how to get there..." Argh.
We finally found the address, set the GPS and took off. Oh! There was a terrible accident on the way that I drove up to, just after it happened. Bill had been in front of me, but I lost sight of him. I turned the corner to see the accident and it was a truck so like Bill's! I immediately went into shock. I nearly stopped my car as my hand flew to cover my mouth with an "OH, NO!"
Thank GOD it wasn't he, but it was an awful scare, nonetheless.
I finally caught up with him in Banks. I hurried to his truck and gave him a big hug. "I love you, Bill!"
He was confused as to what he'd done. "Nothing. I just love you!" I did. Overwhelmingly, right then! What a drive it had been from the summit to below, where I could finally call/reach him, to make sure he was alive!
It sunk in at that moment that I'm going to live that way all the time, now. Not knowing if my kids are alright. They are free, now!
Dave moved into a lovely home on Alfred Street in SW. He's living with the nicest kids, and he has a wonderful room in the house. They even have a gardner. Sheesh! Wouldn't that be loverly? Kids, these days!
I think I have a thing for rentals. When my kids move into these places, all neat and shiny and clean, I am envious!
Andrew has a nice little beach home, and David, a luxurious home in the city. I want both! But, I also want to keep living here, too!
There is the loneliest feel to the house, here on the river, though. I keep waiting for the joy to hit me. You know, the joy of having the house all to myself. No more stomping on the floor to get them to turn their music down. It's quiet, now. Really, really quiet!
Bill can't get their rooms clean, fast enough, nor move different furniture in, with enough speed. I keep wanting him to slow down. And me? Well, Bonnie Rait's song, "I don't want anything to change" keeps going through my head.

You left a mess you're everywhere
I'd pick it up but I don't dare
I don't want anything to change
I don't want anything to change
There's nothing I would rearrange
I don't want anything to change

I realize the song isn't about kids moving out, but it is for me. There is something about that song that just rings memories to me. Both the lyrics and the melody. I don't want anything to change.
There is just a world of memories of children, here, from the trampoline that's no longer here, to the river that lacks splashing and giggling in the summer sun. And, I'm not all that sad, really. I do like the quiet. I've yearned and dreamed and longed for quiet like this, and now, I've got it. I wonder if I'll like it.
I'm leaving for the city, today. I think I'll stop by and see Dave.
Funny. Yesterday was the first full day without kids, and yester-night was the first dinner that Bill and I have had, alone.
The phone rang at about 2:00 PM.
The wind was still and the sun shone hard and lonesome down on the brown grass meadow. I had just come in from picking a handful of bumper crop raspberries. They were sweet and large and picturesque, but they were hollow, fake. They were not nearly as sweet as what summer gives us.
Still, it was a taste of summer. A memory of the kids, still at their bedroom windows. From outside, I'd knock, interrupting their loud rock music. In a sing song voice, I'd say, "Berry ferry!" and hand them a treat.
But, now, as I raced past their windows for the phone, those bedrooms were empty. I heard the hollow whir of Bill cleaning carpets.
On the phone was Andrew. "Hey, Mom? I don't have anything going, tonight, and I was wondering if I could come for dinner."
I had to laugh.

"I know the truth is right outside
But for the moment it's best denied
I don't want anything to change"