Fishing The Coast, Oregon and Washington
March 2007

A very late but very welcome chinook!

March 1st!

Happy March! Oh, I love being the first!
Stay with me, here, and allow me a little negative.
I'm nervous about having to drive Kilchis over the hill and to a vet specialist. He is totally on three legs, now, and obviously in pain. He didn't eat his dinner last night, and could not make it up the stairs. I'm totally heartbroken over this. I don't know why Rev wants to play so hard. He was running about 30 miles an hour, and just rammed into Kilchis. Kilchis lay yelping in the grass. It was horrible. I had no idea at the time, though, that Kilchis was this injured. I have taken him to the local vet many times. Finally he was diagnosed with a cruciate rupture.
Since then, Rev has repeated the act, before I was able to stop her. What in the world is wrong with this picture? Why would a dog want to do this? I've looked it up, and it's called "Body slamming". I guess it's an aggressive dominant dog thing.
Sadly, I'm not so crazy about Rev. She's a beautiful dog, but she is too much for me. When I open the door to go outside, she races ahead of me and with tremendous power, knocks me down to get ahead of me.
When the boys walk in the living room, she races and lunges at them, growling, until she sees who it is. Then, she wags her tail and acts sheepish. I just don't know! I've never met a dog like this!
The fact that she's hurt Kilchis so badly, and now Kilchis has a cranial cruciate rupture that may cost thousands of dollars and a years recovery puts a real damper on any affection I might feel for her. This injury requires someone strong enough to help Kilchis walk for a year. I cannot lift Kilchis due to my heart problem. I don't know what I'll do.
I know Rev didn't mean to, but... I've just never seen a dog like this, before! She seems to have no concept of trying to please people or other pets. It's like any attention is good attention. I know people like that! :)
My chickens are not allowed to be free and loose any longer. My cat lives in fear. The doggy door is locked, now, as if we leave it open as we used to, Rev takes off and chases the neighbors ducks.
Sigh.
The Kilchis valley is no longer a very free roaming place!
I'm feeling a bit negative today. Can you tell?
I just don't want to drive over the hill at all on a snowy day like this. Wish me luck! I'm also not looking forward to the bill. But, the greatest fear of mine is that it's not easy to fix. I'm just panicked about that.
Kilchis is my soul mate... my very best friend, and I ache for him that he is wounded and in pain. I want my fishing buddy back!
In a way, it is kind of interesting, as I really know what it's like to be disabled like this... but I don't want to relate to that with him!
Anyhow, please hold on to everything, and be patient! I'll be back to post Stan Fagerstrom's new column, when I arrive home. Will also update you on what I find out.... if I make it across the coast range!
Alright... of to shower... You have a nice March and I'll keep my chin up!

March 2nd

Oh, what a day, yesterday and what a long, long, drive!
I was going to drive alone to the vet, but I chickened out, once I read the snowcast for Hi way 6. So, not only did I convince Bill to help drive me, but we opted to go the long route, over from Hebo. We goofed, and ended up going through Sheridan, and all those little towns. By the time we arrived, we had been on the road, snowless but tired, for nearly FOUR hours! Tualitan was the absolute worst! I couldn't believe the traffic! Last I was through there, it was mostly farming. Not anymore! Wow! Talk about traffic jams!
Dr. Lozier's office was so kind to us, and even though we arrived late, they honored our appointment. Thank you!
Oh, poor Kilchis. He is in real pain! I had no idea. Our little dogs just don't react to pain like we do! It makes me love him all the more.
Bill said there is no decision to make. Kilchis will indeed have the surgery with Bill's help. Thank you, Bill! I am so glad that Bill loves Kilchis so much! Thank you, Lord!
I simply could not afford that kind of money, but Kilchis indeed has a very bad cruciate rupture and most probably an injury to the medial ligament, too, which causes the most pain.
They ruled out cancer as best they could, although there is one suspicious little bump in there. They will look and biopsy that during surgery.
It will be a long recovery, but I can do it! I so badly want to see Kilchis run for dippers again! I can't wait!
The vet said that most dogs come out of this surgery well and they will live happily ever after. If there wasn't such wonderful prognosis, I would have to rethink this, as it is, indeed, very expensive.
Frankly, I had to decide if I wanted a new car to replace my aging Ford, or my beloved Kilchis. I chose Kilchis, hands down.
A new car is a fun thing, but Kilchis? He's my soul mate. I can't seem to put a price on that.
Anyhow, Kilchis is walking on three legs until then. It's really hard to deal with. Kilchis 'forgets' he is injured while out on the river. A dipper, or an eagle will float by, and it just drives Kilchis wild! So, he'll run like the pup he isn't, and give chase! Then, he comes hobbling back as if to say, "Oh my! I shouldn't have done that!"
Poor baby. He's so spoiled, indeed. At night, he looks at me with absolute pity as he whines to get up on the bed. He does well with a little rear end push from his owners to get up. I love him enough to play along!
It's Kilchies turn, indeed.
I went through my medical drama two years ago. Bill went through his. Now, it's our turn to help our friend, Kilchis, and baby him back to health.
We are ready.
We love you, Kilchie! Oh my... how I love him!
I found this site on what Kilchis has to have done. I'm going to get a cup of coffee and enjoy the ride!
TPLO experiences.
I may even write a diary of how we did with Kilchis, for other people's welfare.

March 3rd

There are occasions in which I write in the evening. This is one such occasion.
I've been thinking about Stan Fagerstrom, these days. I did a search on ifish for Stan Fagerstrom. Do you know that I've known Stan since before 1999, sometime? The earliest mention I can find of him is in May of 1999. Wow! That's a long time!
He began writing for ifish in August of 1999.
I tell you, Stan has added such joy to my life! He has added a whole bunch of information on ifish for you bass anglers, and I've known more than a couple of steelheaders who have read his columns, and put his vast piscatorial knowledge to work for them.
I'd forgotten how I met Stan. I was on the G Loomis site, and read a beautiful poem, called "On a lake at daylight." For some reason I can't load it off of Loomis site right now, but found it, here. It's a beautiful poem, and it touched me. I wrote to Stan, and the rest is history. Precious history! I just adore the man!
In late February Stan flew to Birmingham, Alabama to be inducted into the Professional Bass Fishing Hall of Fame.


Stan Fagerstrom, Hall of fame!


Stan Fagerstrom and his lovely wife, Anita.

I wanted to honor Stan today, as both my dear friend, and an ifish hero. I'm proud to know him!

I'm off to Portland, today. I hope to talk about having my other eye fixed at my appointment in Portland. I don't know that it's possible, but hopefully I'll find out.
Kilchis is walking on three legs all the time, now, and my heart hurts so, for him. He's just not the same Kilchis. I know it will be a long battle ahead, and I'm so sorry that he hurts, and that the surgery will also hurt. Dogs are so helpless, and I feel frustration that I can't explain to him why I'm leaving him at a cold vet office, or why he will come home in pain... and that I am doing what I feel is best. That is so hard for me!
I will sleep with him on the floor, downstairs, when he comes home.
In the meantime, I try to help him to take it easy on the river. However, he seems to want to still chase dippers, and it is very hard to tell him no!
I've been fishing alot, lately, but with little luck. It's absolutely been my worst fishing year ever! I don't remember when Bill or I put in more than an hour's fishing time. This will change! It HAS to!
Off I go-- I have to do my blood tests, and then drive to Portland. Have a great day!
Please feel free to browse Stan's latest column, and his archives!

March 7th

I collapse into bed at night so tired and tending towards negative thoughts. The first negative thought that goes through my mind signals me to go to bed. Negative thoughts do me little good, and I am at my least productive, if I don't feel positive about things. I've learned that, by now!
I wake in the morning with mostly positive thoughts. That is why I have decided myself a morning person. That is why I write in the morning.
The negative thoughts that I have at night are only written in sand for the sandman.... where the winds of forgiveness can easily wash them away.
In the morning, I splash my face in cold water, starting new. I write positive things that can be held true and cannot be erased. These are the thoughts that drive me, and that I want to remember, and be remembered by.
The other day I was watching one of those silly interview daytime shows, and someone asked one of the stars, "Tell me who believed in you, who mentored you."
I'd never equated the two, but man oh man, how true that is! A mentor drives us mostly because they believe in you! What a simple concept, but one that I'd never realized. That makes it easier for me to look back and name the people who have guided me, or helped me to become what I am, today.
It made me laugh as I scanned over the people in my life.
Did my parents really show they believed in me? Not hardly when I was a teenager! And I think about my kids at this time in life. They are just starting out into independence, and oh, how they frustrate me, at times!
Do I believe in them?
That hit me so hard! Not nearly enough for them to become successful! Change is in order, here, and pronto!
Sometimes when I walk into David's messy room, or Andrew has lost something else, I doubt them. U probably fill their minds with doubt, and they probably feel that their own Mom doesn't believe in them. I'm going to start changing that, today! I do believe in them! I really do! They are such wonderful human beings and I am so proud of them!
Why is it that parents have trouble portraying that? We really believe in our kids but I think that our frustration in raising them and living with them, keeps them from doing all they are capable of. Maybe that is why "moving out" was invented!
I am so fortunate to have so many people that have believed in me, in my life. I am truly grateful!
In my darkest moments of night when I am filled with negative thoughts, there are people that believe in me, and carry me through, until morning.
Realizing just how much these people have meant to me makes me want to fill others with this kind of positive reinforcement.
I believe in my friends and my family, and I am going to start today off by letting someone know that. Join me?
I came home from Portland absolutely exhausted. It was a strange couple of days.
I was hit by a bad migraine on the way home, and could not drive. It was the most helpless feeling! Cars whizzed by me on a busy interchange as I sat in my car on the side of the road. I could not see well enough to get off of the freeway. I knew it would pass, but time would not hurry enough to still my panicked heartbeat. Was I totally off the road? Each time a car passed, my car would shake with the wind of the whizzing traffic. It was scary!
I finally made my way. Thank goodness these things pass!
I am home now, in the comfort and company of my beloved dog, Kilchis, and my family. Home, sweet home on the river!
I immediately headed out to the river with Kilchis and Rev. I cast out my jig, searching my favorite slots for a silvery steelhead. I had no luck, but the sun on my back and the crystal sparkling of the stream was enchanting.
How on earth do people exist living in the cement and asphalt of the city? The song of my ridiculous bird made me giggle as he welcomed me home.
That teasing sunshine of spring has now left us, and a light rain is falling over the valley. Perhaps I will go out and catch a fish, this morning.
I believe in myself. That is what it takes to be successful, right? That old, "Expect a fish with every cast?"
I do believe that can be adapted into the story of our lives!
When you feel that you have no one to believe in you, you can believe in you, yourself!
Just remember that! In all that you do... in every relationship, in every task,
"Expect a fish with every cast!"
Now get out there and catch one! I'm going to!

 

March 7th

Stan Fagerstrom got me into this beautiful bass!

I collapse into bed at night so tired that I tend towards negative thoughts. The first negative thought that goes through my mind signals me to go to bed. Negative thoughts do me little good, and I am at my least productive, if I don't feel positive about things. I've learned that, by now!
I wake in the morning with mostly positive thoughts. That is why I have decided myself a morning person. That is why I write in the morning.
The negative thoughts that I have at night are only written in sand for the sandman.... where the winds of forgiveness can easily wash them away.
In the morning, I splash my face in cold water, starting new. I write positive things that can be held true and cannot be erased. These are the thoughts that drive me, and that I want to remember, and be remembered by.
The other day I was watching one of those silly interview daytime shows, and someone asked one of the stars, "Tell me who believed in you, who mentored you."
I'd never equated the two, but man oh man, how true that is! A mentor is someone who believes in us! What a simple concept, but one that I'd never realized. That makes it easier for me to look back and name the people who have guided me, or helped me to become what I am, today.
It made me laugh as I scanned over the people in my life.
Did my parents really show they believed in me? Not hardly when I was a teenager! And I think about my kids at this time in life. They are just starting out into independence, and oh, how they frustrate me, at times!
Do I believe in them?
That hit me so hard! Not nearly enough for them to become successful! Change is in order, here, and pronto!
Sometimes when I walk into David's messy room, or Andrew has lost something else, I doubt them. I probably fill their minds with doubt, doing little to encourage them! --and they probably feel that their own Mom doesn't believe in them. I'm going to start changing that, today! I do believe in them! I really do! They are such wonderful human beings and I am so proud of them!
Why is it that parents have trouble portraying that? Why is nothing ever good enough? We really believe in our kids but I think that our frustration in raising them and living with them, keeps them from doing all they are capable of. Maybe that is why "moving out" was invented!
I am so fortunate to have so many people that have believed in me, in my life. I am truly grateful!
In my darkest moments of night when I am filled with negative thoughts, there are people that believe in me, and carry me through until morning.
Realizing just how much these people have meant to me makes me want to fill others with this kind of positive reinforcement.
I believe in my friends and my family, and I am going to start today off by letting someone know that. Join me?
I came home from Portland absolutely exhausted. It was a strange couple of days.
I was hit by a bad migraine on the way home, and could not drive. It was the most helpless feeling! Cars whizzed by me on a busy interchange as I sat in my car on the side of the road. I could not see well enough to get off of the freeway. I knew it would pass, but time would not hurry enough to still my panicked heartbeat. Was I totally off the road? Each time a car passed, my car would shake with the wind of the whizzing traffic. It was scary!
I finally made my way. Thank goodness these things pass!
I am home now, in the comfort and company of my beloved dog, Kilchis, and my family. Home, sweet home on the river!
I immediately headed out to the river with Kilchis and Rev. I cast out my jig, searching my favorite slots for a silvery steelhead. I had no luck, but the sun on my back and the crystal sparkling of the stream was enchanting.
How on earth do people exist living in the cement and asphalt of the city? The song of my ridiculous bird made me giggle as he welcomed me home.
That teasing sunshine of spring has now left us, and a light rain is falling over the valley. Perhaps I will go out and catch a fish, this morning.
I believe in myself. That is what it takes to be successful, right? That old, "Expect a fish with every cast?"
I do believe that can be adapted into the story of our lives!
When you feel that you have no one to believe in you, you can believe in you, yourself!
Just remember that!
In all that you wish,
believe it is true!
In every task--
"Expect a fish with every cast!"

Now get out there and catch one! I'm going to!

March 10th

Wow! My first hummingbird showed up... well, wait. I had one stray about a month ago, but my first couple of hummies, two days ago! I was so thrilled! To me, that is the first real sign of spring! They were so cute, and I'm so glad that I put feeders up this year, early. But, I quickly changed the juice in them and they promptly left! I haven't seen them since. I'm sure I will, though!


Come on, Spring! Come on, babies!

Poor little Kilchis. He's on three legs most all the time, now days. He hurts. But, if I give him his anti inflammatory pain drug, he gets an upset tummy and doesn't eat his dinner. Pain, or starvation? What would you choose? I just feel sad for him.
He's just got to have surgery. No question. I've been reading on the internet about TPLO surgery and I'm feeling good about doing it. Well, not "good" but what else can you do for a dog you love so dearly?
I was relieved to receive a letter from Liz Hamilton's sister, who is a vet. She not only recommended (pretty much insisted on!) the TPLO, but had no idea that I was seeing Dr. Lozier, and she recommended Dr. Lozier! Wow! That really got me excited! It's like an answer to prayer! It was so reassuring! I do trust her as she is an expert!
It costs a whole lot of money. But-- I can't put a price tag on my love for Kilchis. He's my soul mate. When you spend that much time on the river with a dog, the current runs deep.
But! But! Yesterday I was just delighted and grateful to open a letter at my ifish PO box! An anonymous ifisher sent my vet a donation for Kilchis! Wow! They quoted in their beautiful letter to me the words "Acts of kindness amongst friends" are appreciated. I never cease to be amazed by acts of kindness! Thank you, whoever you are! I don't know how to thank you, as you did not leave a forwarding address!
However, I did a search on "Acts of kindness", and although I found some neat projects, I still am left puzzled. Who? Wha?
It's one of those things that leave me smiling inside for days.
Well, good for Kilchis! Thank you so much! You brought tears to my eyes! I held Kilchis close and just cried!
The other night, I told my kids, "Do something for someone that you love, that they cannot purchase for themselves. Take, for instance, this meal that I am cooking for you, right now. I pointed to it. You can't buy this, because I made it with love!"
It wasn't fancy, either. It was a BLT with C (cheese) and a bowl of canned cream of mushroom soup. Now, that, ladies and gents... that's a love meal. It's comfort food! -and they could make it themselves, but not with as much love as I did! It was cold and rainy outside and I am sure it hit the spot that they most needed love in!
Later, I am going to make Bill a rhubarb pie. I'm doing it because he loves rhubarb. I'm doing it because you can't buy a rhubarb pie. (I looked, believe me!)
I love to grocery shop for my family. I don't know what I'll do when the kids leave. I shop isle to isle, hoping to find something that is special.
You know, that item that makes you exclaim, "Oh! Andrew would love this!" "Oh! Oh! David will be tickled with this!" If I only had myself to cook for, I'd be very unhappy! I don't do that for me!
I'm repeatedly impressed with the saying that "You can't buy love" but I'm also aware that there are times that you sure enough can!
I was thrilled to finally find Tahini paste locally, at Safeway. I bought it! Now, I can make Andrew his favorite hummus!
So much better than what you can get pre made in a plastic tub!
So, it's back to Kilchis. There are times, indeed, when it takes hard cold cash to show love. When I hold that Tahini paste in my hands, I see the words love written all over it!
I have a can of spice that I keep on my stove top. It is called "Love" and I shake it liberally on everything I make.
The anonymous letter that I received in the mail saying that Dr. Lozier received a donation for Kilchis did indeed buy love! It took a bit of the financial stress off of me, and it will help Kilchis to have a happier and pain free life!
Kilchis, being able to again run on the river with me will be love, love love!
Say you don't want no diamond ring, and I'll be satisfied.
Tell me that you want those kinds of things, that money just can't buy--

I really don't care so much for money. It's true.
When I was engaged to my first husband I was crazy in love. We got married on the spur of the moment in an Astoria courtroom. He gave me a ring out of a quarter machine, bought at Safeway. I adored that ring, and still have it, today!
I firmly believe that the happiest I have ever been, was and is when I am the poorest. Money seems to me to just brings problems to light.
However, the gift received for Kilchis just means so much to me. I can't tell you. Just the thought that someone cared enough makes me warm and fuzzy!
I love Kilchis so much. It's going to be a long recovery and my life will be crazy for some time, by reading about other people's experiences with TPLO.
I'm prepared. Bring it on! I want my Kilchee back!


My sweetie, Kilchis.

We are expecting miracles, too!
Wow! One last note, and something Bill is doing for me, for love. He is solving a problem. Due to weight restrictions on my aorta, I cannot lift. I cannot help with anchoring anymore. It sure creates a hassle for us!
But, today, Bill is building a gizmo on the side of his steering column that will hold the anchor rope so that I don't have to drop and pull, anymore.
Thank you, Bill! Let's go fishing!
Now, get out there and show some love!

March 10th note.. later!

...and a purple finch! But, still... no partridge in my pear tree!

March 10th note.. later!

...and two Bandtail Pidgeons and two swallows just showed up!

March 12th

I came here, overwhelmed about my schedule this week, to offer a prayer to my Father.
I started reading threads on the Angler's Chapel, instead, and now I feel small for feeling so helpless, when so many others have worse problems than I.
Still, Father, I just want to give this day, this week to you.
I will try so hard not to take it back to worry over.
This week will be hard on me. It's so busy, Lord, so hectic and chaotic!
I have so much to do, and so little energy to do it with! Alot of driving, and not very good eyesight or strength to get me where I need to go!
I feel so overwhelmed by e mails and pms and things to do for ifish. I am behind, Father, and so many people need something done, or me to read something, and I can't seem to catch up.
In the midst of everything, people are fighting on the boards, Lord, and I just pray for peace and kindness for all. It bothers me, Father, when people fight on ifish. I want everyone to find a home here, and to feel loved and respected and I don't know how to accomplish this.
If I set rules, then I'm made fun of and if I let things slide, then it turns into chaos and I'm called inconsistent.
So, Father, I'm going to leave it all in your hands, and try to listen to what you tell me to do.
I'm going to give it all over to you, Lord, and hope not to grab it back just as you are answering my prayers. I know that frustrates you, Lord, as much as it does me! :)
Lord, my beloved dog, Kilchis is hurt, and will have surgery this week. I have never left him with strangers and I know it's silly, and I don't want to rely too much on a dog's love, but I can't help it! I love my dog so much, Lord. I know that Kilchis is really yours, just like my own kids are, and I trust you to take care of him. Please take away my worry, and please let me keep Kilchis. I promise to try not to love him more than I should. I know that he is just a dog, but I am weak, Lord, and you know that.
Please be with him, and please return him safely to me, and help me care for him. He is your creature and he is beautiful!
Please help me to think straight this week, and help me to remember everything I need to do. Please help me not to hurt so that I can get things done. Please help me to have energy left, when I feel that all I can do is to flop into bed. Give me more life, Lord, to do good things for others and to glorify your name, in all that I do.
Father, I just pray that in all that I do, your name shines through and that I make you proud.
Teach me to love, above all. Teach me to be kind and patient, and to smile, even when I don't feel I have a smile left to give.
I know that you are with me, so relieve my stress, Lord, and walk with me every footstep that I take, whether it be on your beautiful river, or down a city street, or driving on a four lane freeway. Be with me, and show me your Glory and touch me with your peace.
I love you, Father, and I am only human. Let me laugh when I goof up. Show me your humor.
Father, I pray for all of those that are hurting this morning, and help me to realize that there is pain out there far beyond what I'll ever feel. Take those people into your arms and if you can use me to show them your way, please allow me that honor.
Lord, I love you so much! I can't imagine my life without you. I don't know how people can take on life, without your word, without your touch, without your love. I just thank you so much!!!
Your faithful but often failing servant,

Jen

March 13th

Happy Birthday to Bill, Captain Joe, and to Marty Peterson, too!
Well, my mind is just full of Kilchis, today. That's all I can think about. I'm worried sick about leaving him. I've been spending special time on the river with him, knowing that this is the last time he can run or even walk (!) for quite a while! Recovery will be long and difficult. I have to keep him inside-- no walks for 2 weeks, then only a leash walk for 5 minutes for months... Oh, this is going to be hard!


Kilchis on the river, contemplating his future.


Rev on the river, happy as always!


I love splashing around in my boots after a hard rain.
I'll miss doing this with Kilchis!


But, when I look to the future,
I know it will happen again!


Kilchis will run, play, splash!
It will just take some time!


Meanwhile, it is spring and spring chinook are on my horizon. I'll put a nice pillow in the boat, and take our recovering Kilchis with us. He'll love that!
These are our baby chicks. I have one named 'Anna Nicole' and she is totally platinum blonde.


And by the time Kilchis will meet the river again, there will be tiny fish in the river, and the sun will shine again!

I really do love to walk on the river when the water comes up on the bank, and it's all splashy and warm.
The river is too high to fish, but I really enjoy finding new agates that the weather has uncovered. The rain hits the sand with such force that with each drop it pushes the sand aside, and new treasures are gradually uncovered.
The eagles are calling out over the meadow this morning, and the sun is starting to rise. I have alot on my plate and I just wish that Saturday would be here, now. That's the day that Kilchis will be out of surgery and I get to bring him home.
I know that it will be a long, long, recovery, but I just want to get it started. That way I'll know that we are on our way to getting back out to our river.
Kilchis lay by my side as I recovered from my dissection and now I am ready to do the same for him.
Wish us luck! We'll be in Portland for the week. Have a great week, yourself, but please keep us in your prayers. Pray for Dr. Lozier, our surgeon, OK?
Thank you!

March 15th

Last night, I slept with the coyotes. I wonder if they woke the neighbors, too.
Then, like most oddly put-together dreams, before I knew what was happening, the scene changed. The coyotes left the scene and I was then fishing out on the bay. There were sea lions barking all around me. It was frustrating, because I just knew I'd soon hook a spring chinook, and I was tense, wondering if my beautiful fish would be devoured by one of the sea lions, surrounding us.
Sure enough, my rod went off and my reel started zinging like mad! I grabbed it and I was reeling faster and faster in my dreams, trying to horse it in before one of those huge predators got my prize! I was so excited, but always fearful of those that are known to bite a dinner like that in half, before you get it to the boat.
All of the sudden, out of nowhere I heard shots fired out that abruptly woke me from my adventure. My heart pounding, I bolted straight up in bed.
I could barely see in the dark, but Kilchis was on the bed, in a coyote howl position making the most awful sounds! He was howling at the sea lions on the Willamette.Along with that, the marine deputies were out shooting rubber bullets at the sea lions!
I had no clue what time it was, but even in my drowsy state, I put it all together and had to laugh. I fell back into a deep sleep, after hushing Kilchis.
My poor, poor, neighbors!
I set my alarm clock on my cell phone last night, and lay it on the night stand. It was set for 5:30 AM, so that I could get Kilchis all ready for the vet this morning.
Oh, my, but I had forgotten that I had been playing with the settings last trip and set the alarm tones for a Tower of Power tune. "What is hip?"
Reliable as it is, it started to play, (loudly... very loudly!)
I grabbed it to shut it up and it slipped through my sleepy grip and fell down behind the mattresses and between a sturdy wood plywood frame and the wall. It was stuck hard-- speakers up against the neighbors wall. It was just big enough to fit a cell phone, and no more.
Finally it stopped. My poor, poor, neighbors! I rose from bed and began to get ready. I'd worry about getting my cell phone later.
Then it went off again! I had forgotten about snooze! Oh my!
It's been a rough morning. I finally got it out from its stuck position after 3 snoozes.
I wonder how my neighbors are.
I took Kilchis out for a walk at 6:00 AM, and he decided to water the rocks in front of the hotel. It dribbled out of the rock garden and across the front drive. Oh, lovely, Kilch! Otherwise dry, the driveway now had a frozen stream of dog urine across it.
After that, I sat at an outdoor table as he sat with me. I drank coffee. I had wrapped his leash around a chair. Another dog came out and spooked Kilchis. He bolted for it, taking the chair with it. The cushions flew here and there as the chair cartwheeled across the lot.
Will it end, already? Am I still having nightmares?
Finally, we got put together and headed for the vet. I dropped him off, and the tears flowed. I drove back on 205 in terrible traffic, trying to see through my tears.
I'm still wiping them. I miss him so much. I'm confused, tired, and sad. Confused, because I hope I'm doing the right thing, and I don't know where I'll get all this money. Tired, because I had way too good of a time last night with the springer, the coyotes, and the sea lions. Sad, because Kilchis has no idea what is going on, and even though I tried to hard to tell him, just in case he does understand, I still miss him dearly, and I'm worried for his pain, and his loneliness.
I love that dog with my entire being.
I love him-- even if he does howl like a coyote, and embarrass me in front of the rest of the guests. I love him. He's my dog, my friend, my companion.
And he does a pretty good coyote call, too.

March 15th

I was going to go visit Kilchis this afternoon, but he is anaesthetized. They were late in seeing him, I guess.
They took extensive X rays to see what angle to do the TPLO at, and took some fluid out of his knee to make certain something else isn't going on. That scares me. :(
He will have the TPLO surgery in the morning, if all else is fine. Then, he'll be in ICU and asleep the rest of the day.
I'll pick him up on Saturday to go home. I just realized that Bill forgot to send Kilchis's pillow to lay on, on the way home, so I have to figure out how to get him home. Borrow a crate, maybe? We'll see what comes up.
Praying for my baby...

March 16th

Mr. Mancuteso (Kilchis) is going into surgery right now, at 10:00 AM. Please pray for him. I know that sounds weird, but hey-- I'm going to!
Actually, I'll pray most for Dr. Lozier and his assistant, if you prefer I pray for people. I'm so worried! My stomach is just sick.
It's such a beautiful day and I wish I could just enjoy it.
Oh, Kilchis... Your Mama loves you so much!
Now, off to try to get the Kwikfish caught up. (Again!) :)
I hope you have a wonderful day. I pray that God doesn't think I'm too silly for loving a dog so much. I just hope He understands me! I realize that there are so many more important things, but I just hope He has time to make one little dog well.
I'm going to go concentrate now on ifish and it's many members and pray for peace on the boards, too. Seems like people have gone a bit wild, lately. They need to get out and catch some fish! Hey! Me, too!

March 16th 12:59 PM

Kilchis is out of surgery and his temperature is normal. Good news!
He did indeed have a meniscus tear. In fact, it was folded, whatever that means. But, that is what was causing Kilchis so much pain. I guess the cruciate ligament when torn is not very painful, but if the meniscus is torn, it is very painful. Poor baby. I bet he'll be glad to have that out.
When the vet was handling Kilchis, pre surgery he was very vocal. The doc said he hadn't heard a dog be quite so vocal about his pain! Kilchis is extremely vociferous, I told him. Indeed he is. He talks about everything!
I am so glad he is doing well. Now, the challenge to keep him down and not walking for 8 weeks lies ahead of me. Oh, my! Keeping a 5 year old anything down for 8 weeks is a real challenge!
I'm glad that they called. So far, so good.
Back to stuffing Kwikfish and writing addresses!

March 17th

It was a welcome sight to be greeted by daffodils on the forested road home. They were lit up in their bright yellow costumes and tucked amidst nests of sunny spring green grasses. Either they weren't there on my over, or my mood didn't allow me to notice them, then. Regardless, they made me smile. I'm coming home!
What a trip! Literally!
I'm amazed that I'm home. In the city, the traffic flew by me at 70 mph, even though the speed limit clearly read 55. Why on earth is everyone in such a hurry? I was the odd man out, and probably was guilty of impeding traffic. At least, that's what the big truck behind me said, as he pulled within a few feet of my rear bumper and let out a screaming honk. I nearly jumped out of my bones. Rather than going faster, it caused me to slow. I know I should mind his anger and comply, but the shock to my system just made me more insistent. I was going 55, by golly. You don't scare me! (Yes you do, but I'm not going to admit it!)
I just didn't want to hurry. I didn't want to drive fast.
I finally figured out why my train of life is feeling like it's going so fast, lately. I can't seem to get anything done like I used to. The day ends before my chores are done.
It's that way as we get older, of course. Why didn't I think of this? The less able we are, the longer it takes to do what it used to take so little time to do.
So, when I wake in the morning and have 4 or 5 errands to do, it takes me all day long!
I used to think days lasted forever. Now, especially when compared to those long, summer days sitting on the front lawn, waiting for the paper boy to come, and eating ice cream from the local Hi-Way Market, my days barely start before they end!
Just the regular getting older that slows us down is bad enough, but now since my surgery, I'm doubly slow. Going to the bank and to the store is an all day sucker that isn't even eaten by the time I go to bed! Instead of trying to find a place to throw away that white, chewed on stick by noon, I'm finding a place to set the sticky thing down, when I go to bed at night! --and it still awaits me in the morning! I pick it up, in all of it's gooey mess, and try to finish it the next day!
It's an all week sucker, now!
And so, time flies by like the very touching song that I listened to by John Mayer’s new CD (Continuum), as Kilchis and I tried to hurry, lessening the time that he was on the painfully bumpy road home.

Stop this Train--

…Don’t know how else to say it
I don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate”

“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
Don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train”

Once in awhile, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
Cause now I see I will never stop this train

I'm so tired and wrung out. I've been sitting with my Kilchis for an hour, now and I'm a bit nostalgic and sad. I want so badly to watch Kilchis run on the river.
I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't have more time with Dr. Lozier. I was passed from assistant to assistant through the process. They were all very helpful and kind. I just honestly felt a little further away from the surgery than I wanted. It was kind of like they do so many of them that I was just another number.
I do hope they find Kilchis's blanket that I left with them. They sent me home with a soiled blanket from another dog. Kilchy has had his "place" since birth, and we both love that blanket. I shouldn't have left it, I guess.
I'm so glad that I caught their error of writing that Kilchis weighed 131 pounds on a pre surgery list. Man, oh man! That's alot of medication for a dog that big! Kilchis is just 61 pounds!
Well, the surgery went well, and he is good to go. The healing... well, it's going to be a long, long eight weeks. No walks on the river for that amount of time.
That's the problem with life. We want it so badly to slow down, but then there are these times that we want it to hurry up.
We all have to remember that life is what is happening right now, and so, that being said, I'm going to cuddle up with Kilchis and just enjoy our time, together. This too, shall pass... and probably all too fast.

March 19th

When the sun begins to shine more regularly, so will Kilchis (and his parents!) be more cheerful.
It is soggy and wet out, but a lush cushion of spring green grasses makes it somehow softer, easier to take the wet, the cold, the gray.
Kilchis is laying on his soft, comfortable pillow, and it probably takes the edge off his pain.
Kilchis is confused as to why he's confined and only can go out, assisted. It's hard on him, but probably harder on Bill and I. We hurt so, for him. He has a nasty wound and is very uncomfortable. Not even a frozen knuckle bone changes his mood.
It is clumsy to try to handle him. A leash around his neck behind the E-collar that he so dislikes, that helps him to not lick or irritate his staples. A sling goes underneath his belly to steady his gate. What other contraption can we add, to cause yet more chaos? It's all supposed to be aiding him, yet to us, seems a tangled web to trip us up!
We work hard to make his tail wag and when he does, oh, what a relief it is, to see! It finally causes a smile to wash over our weary and sleepless faces! Funny-- how a dogs temperament can set our own.
When we go out, he seems to want to panic and his gait quickens. That's not what we are supposed to allow, so I jerk back on his collar, gently and ask him to slow in a soothing voice. He doesn't realize how critical it is to his healing that we not allow him to use that leg.
I am washed over with weariness. I dragged out a summer camp mattress and lay it on the floor in the office and slept with my hand on his neck. His soft, lovely fur lulled me to sleep, but I'm afraid he wasn't quite as comforted. I'm giving him Benedryl instead of the Ace sedatives, as they seem to knock him too silly, and I hate to see him like that. The Benedryl also helps to relieve the itch that makes him want to lick. Dual purpose antihistamines..
I have so much work to do, to catch up on for ifish and yet all I can do is get this written down, before my eyes want to close, again.
Boxes of Kwikfish all addressed, but minus the proper amount of postage lay littering the ground around me. I slept in the midst of it all. Nothing like visions of kwikfish instead of sugar plums!
Oh, how rich, my life! What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and I'm hear to tell you! Aortic dissections, lung cancer and TPLO surgeries, ahoy! Oh, the stories I can tell!
Yesterday we went out to the chicken cage and found our lovely Charlotte, dead on the pen floor. Our hearts broke. Bill and I sat outside on the porch. Me, holding Charlottes beautiful and still warm body in a towel, petting her soft feathers, both of us sobbing like children.
Still, there is nothing like loving, no matter the loss. It makes for a rich life, well lived. Oh, how it matches this day!
The spring birds woke me like an alarm just before the day started, right outside my window. As the light poured into the meadow, I was greeted with warm rain falling softly on the lush meadow, full of new spring grass in a thousand shades of green. The river soaks up the rain and grows wider, quietly soaking it in. The current creeps up the sandy banks.
I can't wait for a full day of sunshine.
I have a picture of what it will be like in my mind, and I've colored it "hope". Without that, I am lost. Our new small chicks will be grown and will become our new favorites. They will be running like miniature dinosaurs (have you seen them do that?) coming to us for treats on the back deck. Kilchis will be barking, eager to chase dippers and run on the river's edge. Bill and I will be hooking up the boat, ready to fish for Springers, and the sun will shine, all day long! Kilchis! Rev! Let's go fishing! Load up!
And if it weren't for the rain, I would not know the very anticipated appreciation I feel for that day of sunshine that awaits all of us.
"Just hang in there, Kilch..." I whisper as I pet his soft fur.
I have to remind myself, --Appreciate the day for it's comparitive value. These are the days that make the sun shine even brighter, when those days arrive.

March 21st

This has been almost as difficult as when I had surgery, but on the flip side. Man, it's hard to watch someone in pain. I don't know if it's harder to be in pain, or watch. Neither are any darn fun.
I'm worried to death why Kilchis won't drink much water. On top of that, I feel like a new parent with a baby or something! I'm so new to all of this!
His spirits are better this morning. Last night he was a nervous wreck. It was a difficult night!
However... before that, this happened!
Click above to read my fish story!
The sun is shining. What a beautiful day!

March 24th

I've got fish on the brain, this morning, but many people are asking about Kilchis. So, an update and then... let's talk fishing! Jig fishing!
Kilchis is doing so much better! So much! However, I find that the better he does, the harder my job is! Now is the time I have to give him sedatives, and it breaks my heart to do it! I mean, he finally feels good and I have to make him feel bad? Dang! No fair!
If anyone is excited about jig fishing, it's Kilchis! I have to quietly rig my rod and set it outside, as to not excite the little guy. If he only knew I was fishing!
I'll never forget his first waggly tail this week, after being in terrible pain for what seemed like forever. He grabbed his bear and held it like he does, and wagged his tail, smiling at me. That's my Kilchis!


Kilchis feels better!

Funny how adaptable pets are. You'd think you'd feel sorry for your pet, but it's almost like Kilchis appreciates all the attention, instead of wonders why he is penned up. He enjoys the served meals, and me holding his water bowl. So much nicer than the toilet! You know, the porcelain springs? Hey! I just had an idea for bottled doggy water! Straight from the bathroom!
I was so afraid of feeling guilty, but he is doing better than I thought! He has to be leashed at all times, and it is so hard when someone comes to visit.
Kilchis has two very favorite and special people in his life besides his family. Pete, (the admin) and Kyle. Kyle is Andrew and David's friend and Kilchis just adores him. He came to visit last night, and Kilchis just flipped out. It was so hard to keep him down and not jumping on Kyle. Boy-oh-boy did Kilchis talk about Kyle coming to visit! He is extremely vociferous when feeling well! It was so cute! It was the old Kilchis! All happy and wiggly! I honestly think he's now in less pain, than before the surgery. That's good! I think Kilchy talked about it for 10 minutes or more! Constant!
OK. Now, onto fishing... and fishing is so important to me right now, as our river will close within a week! Yikes! That's good, though, because then I can concentrate my time on walking with Kilchis instead of trying to hide, while fishing! If Kilchis only knew!
Jig fishing:
I've always wondered about this, and it's especially hard because I don't see well. Sometimes I try to bring the jig in real close to study a jig in action, but I'm never very successful.
When you are fishing in low water especially, I find that the end of the drift is usually shallow. I have seen and caught some of my finest fish at the end of the run by holding my jig steady, giving it little tweaks and pulls to give it action.
What a rush it is to hold your jig at the end of the run, giving it action with little soft pulls and to have the fish grab it from you! Wha hooooo! It happens!
Mark from First Bite Jigs taught me this long ago, and I still employ this technique, today. Try it, and don't give up on it, too soon! In fact, the longer your lure is in the water, no matter the technique and even if it floats up, the better. A jig has got to be hunting, in order to catch fish.
A fish, taking a top water jig? Uh huh! I've seen it happen!
It is, of course better to have it under water. I was wondering, and this goes along with "if you aren't losing gear, you aren't fishing" --if I lengthen the line between bobber and jig, so that it fishes deeper, if it doesn't snag on the bottom on the trip down, is it better, does it hunt longer down on the bottom before it floats up? Let's try this again.... I want my jig to play at the bottom before it floats up at the end of a drift. If I can successfully make it through the shallows w/o snagging up, does it hunt better/longer, if my leader to the jig from the bobber stop is longer? -In any appreciable matter of time before it floats up, due to the heavy current?
OK. There was no easy way to say that, or I need coffee... one of the two!

Next thought....

Fish look up, especially steelhead, to snatch a jig. I'm convinced of that. I used to fish my jig deep, regularly, but now I feel I do better when it's short. Sometimes in low water, I fish a jig with my bobber stop tight up to the swivel. (2 feet or less!) and I catch fish!
So, knowing that, do you think a black painted bobber, at least on the bottom of the bobber fishes better? Camouflages, better?
Regardless, change depth on your jig, often. Learn for yourself if it's better that day to fish short or long. Sometimes fish like different things on different days.
Fish your jig in several different ways, eliminating what they don't and do like, as you go. Fish short, then fish long. If that doesn't work, try changing scent, or cleaning your jig, thoroughly. If that doesn't work, change color. The process of elimination will get a fish to bite. Then, you'll know for the remainder of the day, what fish are after for the current conditions.
When you get home, write it down! Can't emphasize this, enough! Then you can start out on a similar day using the most productive technique.
And this: I fish with my jig tipped with shrimp.
How do you feel about the little claws moving? It seems that the more effort you make, the better it pays off.
I hate those little pinchers. They pinch me! But I do feel that their action in the water helps attract the bite. Do you pinch them off for convenience and less pain, or leave them?
I was taught to fish the tail only, but I've found the take is more aggressive with a whole shrimp, but only if it's a small shrimp, with the claws on.
The best way to jig fish is to find water that is "andante" a walking tempo, slowly floating through the water. I find that even in higher water, if I find the edge of the current where it is slower, I can still catch fish with a jig.
Often times I change to drift gear as the water gets higher, but it's not always necessary. Search the water for the seams where the water is "andante" even if that water curls back and flows in a circle. In higher water, that's where the fish hold, anyhow. Keep your jig on a short leash. The fish hold on the bottom, searching up with their eyes. Bingo! That's where your jig is! I have been surprised by a bobber down, more than once!
Sometimes the current/flow is so heavy that the water itself will pull the jig under. I've also gotten a bite, doing that.
Anyhow, these are my jig thoughts for the morning.
OK, a few more. When you are a passenger in a boat, don't let any time pass you by!
Have a jig rod handy with you, as you travel. This is your special time! I use this time to hunt the water for pockets that will hold fish. Study the water. Find little slots where you envision a fish to be, and throw it out there. Yep. You may very well lose your gear, but don't let this stop you. Literally, either. Don't expect the oarsman to stop the boat, while you try to tickle a stuck jig out. Just break it off and retie.
But... if you do hook up, (with a fish!) DO expect the oarsman to stop while you play the fish to the boat!
Travel time is my favorite and often the most productive part of the trip. Stand at the front of the boat and study that water! Make certain you use the knee holds, as when you are traveling, you can easily hit a rock and that can throw you silly! I've been nearly thrown over by hitting gravel. So, wear a life jacket and be careful!
Still, this can be some of your most exciting fishing! Pockets that would normally pass you by as you float are uncovered using this method.
These pockets aren't usually worth anchoring up for, but you can pick off the easy fish just with one cast through it! Plus, I've discovered places that ARE worth anchoring up for, by fishing this way. Places that had been floated by, by other anglers, for years.
It's funny. People look at us sometimes, anchored up like, "What are you doing HERE?" Muhahahahaha.... if they only knew! I always grab a sandwich or a cup of coffee and say, "Oh, just havin' lunch!"
So, get your jigs out and start some real productive fishing! Fishing for steelhead is a blast using jigs. It's my favorite way to fish for them! Can you imagine a 20 plus pound fish on an 1143? Yeeee ha! I've done it!
You can find this discussion on the board, here. Join in, with your thoughts, please!March 25th

Sometimes it gets so bad that it is like trying to escape insanity. That's why I worked for years to get rid of it. To stop it, to do something else.
When I say I was a full time musician at one period in my life, I mean it. Full time. 24/7. Even in my sleep.
When I tried meditation once, my mind was so full of melody that I couldn't get to that pinnacle of peace that everyone is after.
I'd wake with a song that stayed with me, all day long. My dreams were accompanied by full orchestration.
Darn that Debussy!
Shut up, Chopin!
Leave me, Liszt!
My kids look at each other with a knowing look, and roll their eyes now that they know most of the 70's and 80's classics. I think they understand, being musicians, themselves.
I've spoken to Andrew about it, and he says he has the same thing happen. I don't know about David, but by listening to him philosophize and talk physics, I don't think he could possibly have music, also. But who knows? I'll ask!
The kids used to ask me, "Does everything have to be in song?"
Something from them as simple as "Mom, I had a hard night." often brings from me nothing personal, but only a song.
How would you like a juke box for a Mom? I start in,
"It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard days night
I should be sleeping like a log...

I've always memorized lines of plays, songs, the bible, even lines from Shakespeare, etc. without even knowing it. When troubled times comes, my mind fills with a song that is applicable or picked up from a keyword, and I repeat it out loud.
I've been known to memorize verses in the bible that apply to my life, simply by being a church pianist and accompanist for vocalists. People now ask me if I used to be a deacon or something. They are impressed with my biblical knowledge. Hah!
Likewise, if I am having problems in my life and I read a verse in the bible I'd like to memorize, I write a song for it. During a time when I was going through divorce, the death of my Grandmother and my Mother and my 15 year old cat and dealing with a serious surgical operation on my son, (all at once!) I wrote a song that I actually sung at my Mother's funeral. It was based on Phillipians 4:6. Even though sometimes I wish I would, I'll never forget that song, and often sing it to myself when I need to. (And sometimes it's like magic and it pops in my head, even when I don't know that I need it! Go away, counselor of mind!)
I think that this uncanny musical 'haunting' was handed down to me from my Mother. While she was dying of cancer, she sang "God will take care of me" and now when I feel like I am ill, I sing the same thing. Sometimes as I do, tears come to my eyes before I even realize why. Music is always one step ahead of me.
When I was young, I'd give workshops in jazz and one of the things I'd do is ask the audience for their phone numbers. I'd use them to write songs, utilizing the tones of the scale to match their number. Did you know that your phone number writes a song? I realized that a long time ago, when we had pulse dialing with different tones and I'd actually memorize numbers by their song. I was always thrown off, though, by the phones because they didn't match the tones of the scale! Mine did!
So, I'd take a phone number from the audience, and ask them what style they'd like their number in. Rock? Jazz? With an *alberti bass? Romantic, Classical? Contemporary? You choose! People seemed to be delighted that their phone number had the ability to become a melody. I had fun composing the piece. It was a win-win and gave people ideas for writing music.
But still, having music on the brain can be a very distracting thing. It's kept me from learning things that I should know, today. As a child, they couldn't figure out if I was talented and gifted or a slow learner. At a young age, I didn't understand that having music on the brain was something not everyone had. I didn't have the cognitive ability to explain to them that I couldn't study well because my mind was full of music all of the time.
My Mother wrote in my baby book that she never had to hire a babysitter. At the age of three, I'd just sit me at the piano, and there I'd be for hours. She listed the songs that I was able to pick out that I heard on Captain Kangaroo and other children's shows.
It's frustrating to be out on the river and to be totally invaded by a melody that is absolutely beautiful. I know that I have to get to the piano to write it down, or quickly grab manuscript paper. Now, with my disability, is doubly hard and frustrating. I used to run. Now I hobble and by the time I get there, it's changed and not nearly so beautiful or original. It gets taken over by a similar tune, already written.
If you look at my grocery list, or 'to do' list, there will often be a series of notes jotted down in my own shorthand, to remind me of a melody that dropped into my mind at an inconvenient time. (Like at the store!)
People ask me how I started ifish or why.
Not only was it because I began to lose my eyesight and couldn't drive at night to get to my gigs, but it was because I wanted something, a challenge to my brain that would override and stomp out that constant music playing in my head. I wanted to know what it was like to not think music. Coding computer language (even as simple as HTML) was difficult enough for me that I really had to think.
Isn't it odd that we are gifted with some kind of talent that can be turned into income, and we want to escape it?
Last night I was watching television and out of the blue, the piano called to me. In my mind was the most beautiful melody...
(Oh boy, here we go! See what happens?! I can't even talk!
"In my heart there rings a melody
There rings a melody
With heaven's harmony
In my heart there rings a melody
there rings a melody of love." p.26"
)
Anyhow, ...there was a melody in my brain and I was pulled to go play it. That hadn't happened for a while, and I actually embraced it! I wondered why I had pushed the need for this away.
The most beautiful music poured from me and I wept as I played. It was my soul, desperately needing me to release a decade and more of emotion.
When I woke this morning, I felt cleansed. As new as the sunshine and spring! The birds sang more clearly, and the light was brighter, even through the fog.
I had to wonder if I had shut down my music in an effort to hurt less? Survival mode? It all started when I went through the deaths of so many that I was closed to, about 15 years ago. It was a period of chaos and confusion and extreme sorrow.
The thought and hope came to me, as I played, last night that perhaps I am finally ready to face the music. Sometimes it takes years, a whole life of living before we are able to accept and use our gifts. Sometimes, also, the gifts that we are given are so strong that they are scary!
Just like the music that came to me, last night, so are the words that I have written, today. They are mostly for me, and I needed to write them down to work out my feelings.
Oh, Spring! Oh joyful spring!
It is a new day! And.... I can't wait for the accompanying sunshine! You know...
"Heavenly sunlight, heavenly sunlight
Flooding my soul with glory divine
Hallelujah, I am rejoicing
Singing His praises, Jesus is mine." !!!!

I'm going to go buy one of those hand held recording devices, so that when I'm out on the river, I can sing whatever it is, that goes through my mind. That way, I can continue to fish when it happens. Oh! Technology! I love it!

Wikepedia: *Alberti bass is a kind of broken chord or arpeggiated accompaniment, where the notes of the chord are presented in the order lowest, highest, middle, highest. This pattern is then repeated. Alberti bass is usually found in the left hand of pieces for keyboard instruments, especially for Mozart's Piano Pieces. However, it is sometimes found in pieces for other instruments. For example Béla Bartók uses it towards the end of his String Quartet No. 5.

I'm going to leave the below column for March 24th up, as it is finally fishing related... even though it makes my column 3 miles long!

March 25th

Sometimes it gets so bad that it is like trying to escape insanity. That's why I worked for years to get rid of it. To stop it, to do something else.
When I say I was a full time musician at one period in my life, I mean it. Full time. 24/7. Even in my sleep.
When I tried meditation once, my mind was so full of melody that I couldn't get to that pinnacle of peace that everyone is after.
I'd wake with a song that stayed with me, all day long. My dreams were accompanied by full orchestration.
Darn that Debussy!
Shut up, Chopin!
Leave me, Liszt!
My kids look at each other with a knowing look, and roll their eyes now that they know most of the 70's and 80's classics. I think they understand, being musicians, themselves.
I've spoken to Andrew about it. He says he owns the same curse. I don't know about David, but by listening to him philosophize and talk physics, I don't think he could possibly be invaded by music, also. But who knows? He's an amazing person. I'll ask!
The kids used to ask me, "Does everything have to be in song?"
Something from them as simple as "Mom, I had a hard night." often brings from me nothing personal, but instead a song.
How would you like a juke box for a Mom? I start in,
"It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard days night
I should be sleeping like a log...

I've always memorized lines of plays, songs, the bible, even lines from Shakespeare, etc. without even knowing it. When troubled times comes, my mind fills with a song that is applicable or picked up from a keyword, and I repeat it out loud.
I must sound nuts to people.
I've been known to memorize verses in the bible that apply to my life, simply by being a church pianist and accompanist for vocalists. People now ask me if I used to be a deacon or something. They are impressed with my biblical knowledge. Hah!
Likewise, if I am having problems in my life and I read a verse in the bible I'd like to memorize, I write a song for it. During a time when I was going through divorce, the death of my Grandmother and my Mother and my 15 year old cat and dealing with a serious surgical operation on my son, (all at once!) I wrote a song that I actually sung at my Mother's funeral. It was based on Phillipians 4:6. Even though sometimes I wish I would, I'll never forget that song, and often sing it to myself when I need to. (And sometimes it's like magic and it pops in my head, even when I don't know that I need it! Go away, counselor of mind!)
I think that this uncanny musical 'haunting' was handed down to me from my Mother. While she was dying of cancer, she sang "God will take care of me" and now when I feel like I am ill, I sing the same thing. Sometimes as I do, tears come to my eyes even before I realize why. Music is always one step ahead of me.
When I was young, I'd give workshops in jazz and one of the things I'd do is ask the audience for their phone numbers. I'd use them to write songs, utilizing the tones of the scale to match their number. Did you know that your phone number writes a song? I realized that a long time ago, when we had pulse dialing with different tones and I'd actually memorize numbers by their song. I was always thrown off, though, by the phones because they didn't match the tones of the scale! Mine did!
So, I'd take a phone number from the audience, and ask them what style they'd like their number in. Rock? Jazz? With an *alberti bass? Romantic, Classical? Contemporary? You choose! People seemed to be delighted that their phone number had the ability to become a melody. I had fun composing the piece. It was a win-win and gave people ideas for writing music.
Once I played Bill Monroe's number for him. He was delighted and thought I should start a web site, selling business phone number melodies. :)
Funny how I remember phone numbers by melody. That came first. I'd come home from social events and write down numbers of people that I had met, by tune. Thus, the idea for the workshops.
But still, having music on the brain can be a very distracting thing. It's kept me from learning things that I should know, today. As a child, they couldn't figure out if I was talented and gifted or a slow learner. At a young age, I didn't understand that having music on the brain was something not everyone had. I didn't have the cognitive ability to explain to them that I couldn't study well because my mind was full of music all of the time.
My Mother wrote in my baby book that she never had to hire a babysitter. At the age of three, I'd just sit me at the piano, and there I'd be for hours. She listed the songs that I was able to pick out that I heard on Captain Kangaroo and other children's shows.
There's a flip side to this, though, and lasting sadness. Very hurtful words were spoken, once, that I'm sure she never meant. They've stuck with me in a negative way. She once said that the reason she drove me to piano lessons so far, and so regularly, is that she knew I was different and that I was otherwise challenged, and that music was my ticket in life. I took it to mean that I had no other way through life, than music. Proved her wrong! A fishing website?! Who would have thought? :)
It's frustrating to be out on the river and to be totally invaded by a melody that is absolutely beautiful. I know that I have to get to the piano to write it down, or quickly grab manuscript paper. Now, with my disability, it is doubly hard and frustrating. I used to run. Now I hobble and by the time I get there, it's changed and not nearly so beautiful or original. It gets taken over by a similar tune, already written.
If you look at my grocery list, or 'to do' list, there will often be a series of notes jotted down in my own shorthand, to remind me of a melody that dropped into my mind at an inconvenient time. (Like at the store!)
People ask me how I started ifish or why.
Not only was it because I began to lose my eyesight and couldn't drive at night to get to my gigs, but it was because I wanted something, a challenge to my brain that would override and stomp out that constant music playing in my head. I wanted to know what it was like to not think music. Coding computer language (even as simple as HTML) was difficult enough and foreign enough for me that I really had to think.
Isn't it odd that we are gifted with some kind of talent that can be turned into income, and we want to escape it?
Last night I was watching television and out of the blue, the piano called to me. In my mind was the most beautiful melody...
(Oh boy, here we go! See what happens?! I can't even talk!
"In my heart there rings a melody
There rings a melody
With heaven's harmony
In my heart there rings a melody
there rings a melody of love.
" p.26"
)
Anyhow, ...there was a melody in my brain and I was pulled to go play it. That hadn't happened for a while, and I actually embraced it! I wondered why I had pushed the need for this away.
The most beautiful music poured from me and I wept as I played. It was my soul, desperately needing me to release a decade and more of emotion.
When I woke this morning, I felt cleansed. As new as the sunshine and spring! The birds sang more clearly, and the light was brighter, even through the fog.
I had to wonder if I had shut down my music in an effort to hurt less? Survival mode? It all started when I went through the deaths of so many that I was closed to, about 15 years ago. It was a period of chaos and confusion and extreme sorrow.
The thought and hope came to me, as I played last night, that perhaps I am finally ready to face the music. Sometimes it takes years, a whole life of living before we are able to accept and use our gifts. Sometimes, also, the gifts that we are given are so strong that they are scary!
Just like the music that came to me, last night, so are the words that I have written, today. They are mostly for me, and I needed to write them down to work out my feelings.
Oh, Spring! Oh joyful spring!
It is a new day! And.... I can't wait for the accompanying sunshine! You know...
"Heavenly sunlight, heavenly sunlight
Flooding my soul with glory divine
Hallelujah, I am rejoicing
Singing His praises, Jesus is mine.
" !!!!
I'm going to go buy one of those hand held recording devices, so that when I'm out on the river, I can sing whatever it is that goes through my mind. That way, I can continue to fish when it happens, instead of try to run inside. Oh! Technology! I love it!

Wikepedia: *Alberti bass is a kind of broken chord or arpeggiated accompaniment, where the notes of the chord are presented in the order lowest, highest, middle, highest. This pattern is then repeated. Alberti bass is usually found in the left hand of pieces for keyboard instruments, especially for Mozart's Piano Pieces. However, it is sometimes found in pieces for other instruments. For example Béla Bartók uses it towards the end of his String Quartet No. 5.

I'm going to leave the below column for March 24th up, as it is finally fishing related... even though it makes my column 3 miles long!
I wonder what's up with why I'm writing so much!

March 27th

I just got a private message that Willie Illingworth passed away, this morning. I'm just sick. I didn't get to have lunch with him. I didn't get to talk with him one last time. I'm just heartbroken. Willie? You are a legend. You are timeless. --and you are now in the arms of your Savior. Not many knew that you had a wonderful personal relationship with your Savior, but I was honored to know that. It really helped me to grow closer to you in a way only brothers and sisters can, as believers. I appreciate that you let me know.
Willie-- We will miss you, and you will forever on the river with all of your friends. God Bless you. Words cannot express, but oh! How you will be missed!

March 28th

My life is heaven come true.
I realize this more and more as it seems that the legends of fishing are disappearing. The face of fishing is sure changing this year. I'll miss Willie so much! I'll miss Jim and all the others so much!
But, if heaven is anything like what I'm living, we have nothing to fear!
This morning I slept in. I had a terrible headache last night, and couldn't sleep. I was up at 1, at 3, at 4... and then slept till 8. Ahhh... I woke to a later sun streaming strong, through the window. It was so beautiful and warm, the way it greeted me! I'm used to the more gentle, gradual greeting of the sun, from darkness to light-- at 5 in the morning.
I detest migraines and since my aortic surgery, they are frequent.
My morning ritual with Kilchis is all changed. Interesting how adaptable he is. Interesting how adaptable I am!-- but only after Kilchis repeatedly convinces me that it is indeed possible! I am stubborn and it takes me longer.
Kilchis has voted me pack leader since his surgery. His trust in me to take care of him is miraculous. I'm finally a believer. I can do it! We can do it!
The post surgical instructions were unbelievable. "Is this realistic?" I asked the tech.
The black print on the paper stood out like some awful April Fools joke. Cage rest for 8 weeks? Yeah, right! They have to be joking! But they weren't, and yes, it is indeed possible. In fact, it is almost (I said almost!) enjoyable. We enjoy being tied to each other and we have become so much closer! Physically and emotionally! I am never without a leash with a dog attached to the other end, and he, the opposite. He trusts me.
He does try to push the limits, sure, but I do, too! I am never to let him on the furniture, it states, due to the chance that he may jump off, unexpectedly. Well? I've pushed that one. Last night, he was curled up by my side on the bed. He was so silky and soft and wonderful! I had missed this, so much! Bill lifted him up, and Bill lifted him down. I absolutely adored that time together, and so did Kilchis! Everything went smoothly and we are safe! Just don't tell the doc!
This morning, headache and all, and encumbered with leash and dog, I opened the door to a dream come true.
Just look! The morning was soft and cool. The sunlight was shining crystals all around me Drops of dew hung from the apple blossoms on the tree and were clinging to the bright spring grasses.
Just listen! The spring birds are back and I heard hummingbirds zipping through the alders that line the river. Birds of all kinds, a symphony around me. In the trees! In flight! Buzzing here and there to spook me away from their feeders.
Just feel! The cool and damp gentle wind of the morning blows strands of hair out of my eyes and helps to open my eyes a little wider.
I snuggled the belt of my robe a little tighter, as I was drawn to the river. I still had my slippers on. It's an art to walk to the river without soaking your shoes, whether they be slippers or tennis shoes. This is boot country, year round. The grass is rarely dry! I tiptoed, heel first out to the river. It's a talent, for sure! Kilchis was all excited, giggly and waggly tailed and pulling on me to go faster.
He feels so much better, already. I hadn't realized how much pain he must have been in, before this surgery. I now have a puppy! He feels so darn good! He's walking on his leg much better than he was, already!
I stood on the river rocks, gazing into the most beautiful river I'd ever seen! I never get over how beautiful it is, and I can't believe my luck in living here!
The green ran the most perfect color for fishing! I giggled as I wished I had brought my jig rod. Imagine that! Me in my pink robe, a dog on leash, and an 1143 rod, trying to balance them all. Hey! Don't laugh! I've done it before! Just yesterday! It was a real challenge!
Instead, I was treated to the site of a pair of steelhead. It was a mating ballet! I found myself in a trance, as I watched two beautiful steelhead, fighting the current in the most magical dance.
I stood, perfectly still with Kilchis by my side. He was equally in a trance, watching whatever it is that capture a dog's attention.
It's a good thing the river holds treasures, like these. The river will close to fishing in three days, and this is the time that I search out and find different ways to enjoy the river. To make discoveries in ways other than with a hook and line.
The wind blew my robe open and my flannel pajamas were cool against my legs. What an incredible place I live in. This is very like the welcome feeling of fresh, cool sheets on your bed, at the end of a day. This must be heaven! And-- if it is, we've got nothing to fear!
It is these things, these thoughts, that ease my mind when my chest starts to hurt, and my heart beats faster. I have scary thoughts at times, thinking that this might be the end. I know very well that my life may come to an end, all too soon. That my aorta is extremely fragile and that each day is a precious gift.
There are times that I am so sure of it, So certain that it's the end, that I say out loud to Bill, "Oh, darn! Not now! I want to finish this-- (insert thought, activity, project, etc...)!
I believe that we should all, each one of us, think in this way. Life is so incredibly fragile! It's unfortunate that it takes a real brush with death to really realize our mortality. At least, it did for me.
I pray that more people will truly understand and realize how wonderful it is, how lucky we are to wake up each day.
With this thought in mind, each day is brighter, each sunset-- more awesome. Every one of my friends is more special and every stranger is a potential friend.
And standing on the river this morning, I realized that each cool wind is refreshingly more welcome, and my life, living on the river is indeed, a dream of heaven come true.
Ah dang. My vision is gone, and I am now typing by braille. Although I dislike this part of the migraine the most, it is what it is, and I'd rather have this, than nothing at all!
Hope I can save this and upload it blind! (LOL!) Wish me luck!
I hope that you have your dream come true today... and every day!

 

 

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