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April 1st, 2006
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Breaking News!
HEADLINES, APRIL 1, 2006
Breaking News!
Polystyrene river banks
Scientists are currently studying the effects of shrimp and bait containers on our river banks. Are they actually good for our environment!?
Do they add much needed nutrients to our soil that actually prevent weed growth (or anything else green?) Do they replace the greenery with a nice shiny white siding that actually prevents erosion?!? WOW! WHATARELIEF!
Should local bait and tackle owners freely distribute these containers to area ifishers to disperse along river banks?
The beach clean up people are all excited, and in a frenzy as to what they should do with the little pieces of styrofoam that don't cling to the banks, and instead, flush out to the ocean beaches. Their children are running giddy on the beaches, with broken floats, lure pieces and styro containers. Clean it up, or leave it? Does it help our beaches, and oceans also? Stay tuned as the biologists decide...
Polystyrene river banks... Good or bad?

Paula B Scales

BREAKING NEWS...
Salmon Fishers Take over the USofA.


In a coup of unprecedented proportions, the allied group, "Springers" (Silly People Remembering In Great Eerie Radical Scripts) have slipped past Homeland Security and re-drawn the United States of America.
The masses are in utter confusion. Nobody in the state of Onchorhincus (Onkorincuss? Oncoreunkes? Never mind...) can spell their state’s name and they can no longer receive mail.
Intra-state commerce is at a standstill. The only citizens moving about freely in the country are members of this super-secret group of SPRINGER fishers. They are the only ones that know where anything is anymore. They appear to navigate by run timing and scent. Homeland Security is scrambling to assemble all gill-netters (mortal enemies of the SPRINGER fisher) as a last-ditch attempt to restore order in this time of crisis.
Stay tuned for further updates. We have obtained a copy of the new state lines that are now in effect. Ifish has retained the first copy of this map, and you will see it only here. One of our reporters smuggled it out, inside of a strange contraption called an “ifish cheese-measles”. Scientists are franticly trying to ascertain the immediate threat of this new pox.

To further add to the confusion, no names are assigned in this new map, The United States of SPRINGER.
We will keep you up to date on this breaking news story.


IFISHERS MOST WANTED:
America fights back

Thanks to you, our readers, we are taking these folks off the street!
"Springer people" uncovered:

(We are requesting your help in trying to make sense of the following. If you have any information leading to the understanding of this document, please help us get these ifishers off the street. Please watch for our next edition of "Ifishers most wanted."
-STG RULE


Community Section
“Nick Amato” wrote about the highlights of the springer challenge which left the crowd “Smily”. The “fishbait” of choice was “quickfish” and “cutplug” and the “bait boy” did a good job of handling the “big tule” that was punched on the license as a “Chinookie”.
“K9Jeff” was off duty and didnt feel like writing the ticket for the infraction. You would have thought that someone would have known the difference between a “Chinookie” and a “Big Tule” but apparently not. “Spooled” was declared a “Lost Sailor” when he was not heard from again and was figured to be “Outback” somewhere.

fish
Specialty Tackle!!!
Like you never, seen, baby!
“FishinMission” didnt have any new “Gizmo’s” and used his tried and true, 4 and 14 method to “Wak’m Stack’m”. A new “Fishchaser” to the game this year calling himself “Kentucky Hog Hunter” showed up at the dock with his “boatdog” named “Pete” and there were quite a few laughs and smirks from the crowd as his “Waterdog” which was an “Uglygreen” looking mutt that seemed to spend quite a bit of his time doing nothing but being a “Tacklebuster”. The only “fishon” by “Kentucky Hog Hunter” was a “Salmon Shark” caught in the “freakwater”and nobody knows if he got it on his “GunRodBow” or if he used some other method. The “Salmon Shark” was “lured in” with some of his “Fishin Magician” and a “First Bite Jig” that looked like a “greenbuttskunk” which was purchased at “Twitch’s Tackle”.
“Ramstrong” used a homemade “Thumper” to apply the wood shampoo to the “Salmon Shark” doing damage to the “Otolith” in the fishes ear. Team “Pilar” “Corrirod” and “Puffin” showed up late to the event because they launched at Depoe Bay and it took a while to get to the Columbia River. “Sturgeon Tom” did some damage to his “Lund” boat when he had a mishap and “Get Rotten” his boat, he had to call “Boat Doc” again because of the water elevation in relation to his gunnels. Thank god “Dr Strangelove” was there to use some “Rags” to clean up “Sturgeon Tom” after the mishap when “Clackamas Water Rescue Team” brought him in. “Gus Orviston” showed up in drag and everybody thought he was “Fishing Judy” until his “beerbelly” fell out from under his dress.
“Amerman” was getting “Bobber Down” all day using his “Bait O’ Eggs”. The flash from the “Snapshot” of the group photo put “Willamette River Outlaw” in a panic as he felt like he was getting his mug shot taken again. “Fortywinks” caught a real “Pearl” and yelled out “Hoosier Daddy” while Rose did a “tailchaser” dance. Later when everybody assembled to have a few “happybrews” and tell tales of the day “Happy Hooker” told of the “soreback” he turned loose in the “fastwater”. The “Turtlesoup” “Stew” made by “Jennie” smelled so good several of the “fish slayer” decided it was time to eat. When the “Catch and Eat” was served “Grantspastor” spoke a few words. “Silver Hilton” was in the back of the crowd and couldnt hear grace but it didnt seem to bother him.

Barry O' Eggslime

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(Sorry.. it's continued below...)

READ "DEAR STAN"!

BREAKING NEWS!

ASTORIA -- Jim Martin, retired chief of fisheries for the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife and a fisheries advisor to former Gov. John Kitzhaber, was reported missing from his boat Wednesday morning while fishing for spring chinook in the lower Columbia River.


Tables Turned on Fishbio!
The bite is on!

Witnesses anchored nearby off the upriver end of Tenasilahe Island were still shaken Wednesday evening. Contacted independently, by telephone, their stories were nearly identical.
And bizarre.
"You think whatever you want about whether I'm crazy, but something in the water grabbed him, twisted twice and BAM! He was out of the boat. There was blood everywhere," said Mark Suzuki of Coburg, reached by cell phone. Suzuki was taken by investigators to an undisclosed location at his request. He said he insisted on talking with scientists at Timberline Lodge because it seemed safest at the 8,000 foot elevation.
"I'm never going back there again. I may not even go back to the Willamette," he said. "I had my wife and kids sent up here. The falls isn't big enough to keep that thing out of the valley."
Suzuki's account was confirmed by Joe Schwab, a retired Oregon State Police trooper who was guiding several clients in a boat next to Martin and was the first to report the incident on the state police "poacher hotline." Schwab was in seclusion with his clients late Wednesday, apparently being interrogated by state and federal fish biologists and agents from the Portland office of the FBI.
His handwritten notes and Suzuki's telephone number were obtained by The Oregonian through the Freedom of Information Act.
Lindsay Ball, Fish and Wildlife Department director urged anglers in the lower Columbia to be calm, but consider trout fishing this weekend. Ball also is a former State Police officer.
"Until we know a little more or get our hands on the fish we can't make a positive identification of either the animal or what it ate," he said. "There's very little evidence to go on."
Suzuki said Martin may have had the presence of mind to try to activate a self-inflating life preserver he was known to always wear as the fish was tearing at him. "All of a sudden there was a puff of camo in its mouth and a little pop, then they both went under," he said. Bits of camouflaged rubber material were recovered Wednesday all the way to Tongue Point on the ebbing tide.
Steve Fick, an Astoria fish plant owner, gill-netter and one of Martin's closest friends and fishing companions, was believed to be in the boat, but Suzuki said Fick collapsed and was taken to shore by another boater then life-flighted to an unidentified hospital.
Suzuki said he first thought a great white shark may have made its way upriver from the ocean, feeding on sea lions, but marine scientists said sharks cannot survive in freshwater.
Schwab's handwritten notes, written by an apparently shaking hand, describe a fish with a wide, flat head and "eyes the size of a man's fist," he wrote. The fish had narrow, deep trenches running horizontally from its eyes to the front of its upper mouth, much like those on a walleye.
But it was about "twice as long as Jim's boat (a 22-foot aluminum Willie Asaltor) and had vertical dark green stripes," Schwab's notes said. The word "stripes" had three s's and two i's in Schwab's notes.
Steve King, retired Columbia program manager for the Oregon department, said the fish may send biologists scrambling to find an internal memo Martin wrote in the early 1990s before he left his fisheries job for the governor's office.
In it, King said, Martin warned Washington fisheries officials to not stock sterile tiger muskies in southwest Washington lakes.
The fish are triploided, each egg injected with two sperm to confuse their urge to reproduce. A little known side effect of triploiding, Martin told Washington, is the fish's ability to both travel and metamorphmutate into forms that might adapt to passing back and forth between salt and freshwater, as salmon and sturgeon do.
"Jim told them that if that fish ever got into the ocean and started feeding, it could become the north pacific's dominant predator," King said. "It would be a very bitter irony indeed if that's how he went."
Tiger muskies from Riffe Lake on the Cowlitz River have been caught as far away as Cedar Oak Park in West Linn, nearly 75 river miles from Barrier Dam.
Martin's disappearance follows by just two weeks a largely discounted report by a gill-netter out of Astoria who said a fish larger than his boat destroyed his nets and gobbled three sea lions that were robbing spring chinook. The netter told fish checkers that the fish "laid out across the top of the water like a floating log several hundred years off. When a sea lion hit the net, the creature torpedoed in like a submarine and within a couple of seconds was munching sea lion sandwiches.
"I was afraid to start the boat."
Agency officials in both states assumed the man had been drinking alcohol during a slow night on the net.
Even local television stations refused to air Suzuki and Schwab's account to officials of Martin's disappearance.
"If it were even close to being believable, I'd be down there in a helicopter right now," said Grant McOmie, outdoor reporter for KATU. "But a giant tiger muskie? C'mon. Next thing you know they'll have me doing stories on sasquatch."
Schwab's cryptic notes, however, said Martin had netted an apparently wild spring chinook and was bending over to release the hooks from the thrashing salmon when he was taken.
Cindy LeFleur, Washington's Columbia fish manager, discounted Martin's memo, which at the time was ordered sealed from the public by governors Kitzhaber and Gary Locke of Washington.
Nor, she said, will the Columbia River Compact act immediately to lift requirements that anglers leave salmon in the water when they're to be released.
"I can't really believe that Mr. Martin was lost that way to begin with," she said. "And even in the name of safety, it's certainly premature to change a regulation aimed at saving so many wild endangered Snake River fish."
Don McIsaac, executive director of the Pacific Fishery Management Council, said the council will review whether to target sea-run tiger muskies as a commercial fish or for self-defense by commercial salmon trollers.
"This could be an important scientific discovery," he said, "so we'd probably have to have a quota and manage them according to where they're feeding in the ocean environment.
"But that's probably not going to happen until summer.
"Besides, we've got to find Jim first."

--Bill Monroe


Jennie "Login" Martin
Logs in as...


The ship of April Fools...

I'm so sad. I'm going to cry. There are people on ifish being mean to me! Mean! Mean! Mean!

So, I quit! I'm going to quit! I swear I'm going to sulk and cry and just quit!

I'm just going to sit here at my table and CRY!
Or laugh... who knows. :)

Continued bottom of:
February and March
Archives of Jennie's Fishing life

Thanks to contributing editors,
Pete Morris and David King

Comments for Jennie

 

You know, this is from last year, but who cares? It's still funny!


Join the:

"I WANT TO BE LIKE JENNIE"
Fan Club!

Continued bottom of:
February and March
Archives of Jennie's Fishing life
Thanks to contributing editors,
Pete Morris and David King
Comments for Jennie

Gillnets Nab Unusual Catch
Cathlamet March 30, 2006

Recently, a crew of observers met on the dock at Cathlamet, just before sunrise, to spend part of the morning aboard boats in the gillnet fleet. They were armed with standards set by the Columbia River Compact; mesh size measures, net lengths, soak times, selective retention, resuscitation boxes and flow rates.
The observers, still peeling back the last shrouds of sleep with strong coffee, were a little nervous. They aren’t very welcome on the cramped working boats of the net fleet. The netters work hard for meager returns constrained by legal protections for a variety of endangered runs of salmon and steelhead. The observers occupy space needed for storing gear. The observers were a ragtag group of environmentalists, fisheries officials and sportfishers. This wouldn’t be a friendly day of friends out for a day of fishing.
The observers felt no comfort as they left the docks on the old, sooty diesel powered boats. They are noisy, cluttered, cramped old boats, cruising fast on the dark river.
The first shot of sunlight brought a hint of warmth to the air as the first net was reeled back on to the giant spool on the bow of the boat. The drift yielded four fish; one glorious steelhead that needed just a few minutes resuscitation before being returned to the river, one small wild chinook and two 15 pound chinooks for market – nearly enough to cover the expenses of fuel for the day.
By the third drift, the observer noticed a growing respect for the hard effort these commercial fishers put into their work. He recognized a simple honesty in their profession. The sweaty choreography of action as the captain maneuvered the boat and powered the net drum to capture the mighty fish revealed it’s elemental beauty to the observer. Indeed, the observer was captivated by the experience and warmed to conversation with his crew. By lunch time, the day’s work was nearly done and the observer learned that the boat he was on was to be sold at the end of this short season. Enchanted by the experience, the observer struck a deal to buy the boat and it’s license so he could join the fleet in the following season. So proud of his new boat, the observer named the boat after himself – Big Stew.
-Peter Morris


Just heard on CNN:

1 April 2006; Washington and Massachusetts
Barbed vs. Barb-less: A Nation Ponders...George W Bush has gone head-to-head with John Kerry on barbless hooks. While Kerry urged the States to take up positions favoring barbless hooks for all whole or partial catch-and-release fisheries,
Bush called on America to amend its Constitution to ban barbless hooks. Use of barbless hooks, according to Bush, weakens the concept of a hook for all fishers.
Cabelas, the outdoor store that has invested heavily in Republican agendas, immediately removed all barbless hooks from their real and virtual stores. Shilo, the hotel that has invested heavily in Republican agendas, offered a new lower rate for fishers willing to agree to fish barbed no matter what.
Barbless fishers unite: We have nothing to lose but our barbs. (Ouch!)


BBC Correspondence Received re: PETF
On the first day of April, 2006.

Today the People for the Ethical Treatment of Fish (PETF) announced their opposition to any and all forms of fishing line. "We're OK with reels, rods, hooks, and leaders," said Ima Vegan, spokesorganism for PETF.
"We just don't want fishers to use line of any kind. This applies equally to line tied into nets or line used to trail a hook."
"We believe that fishers should learn to communicate with fish, open a dialog, and discuss options. 'Be caught or spawn and die' is a terrible dilemma for a salmon. These fish are under a lot of stress."
"Clever fishers will be successful in calling fish to the sides, ostensibly for an adipose fin inspection "just to make sure" and PETF accepts that fisher-assisted suicide is acceptable for those fish who choose this way forward."


Why No Spring Chinook?
Experiment Goes Awry

1 April 2006
Exclusive to Ifish.net

(Tongue Point, Oregon) Irate fishers, various
government employees, and a few people with too much time on their hands congregated at the John Day ramp to confront Marie and Dennis Wills as they returned from the Columbia mainstem after another day of scent research. The Wills, better known to fishers in the Tillamook watersheds for their Tillamook Bait products, have been conducting tests for a possible new potion over the last three weeks.
"The idea for the new potion came from Bill Hedlund," Marie explained. "For years we've heard Bill caution against having bananas in the boat and for years we've noticed that Bill Hedlund catches a lot of fish. Suddenly we realized that Bill was hiding on of his fishing secrets right in front of us all!"
Marie and Dennis set upon the challenge of brewing a banana scent. First they tried frying bananas in butter and adding whiskey, but the result was Bananas Foster.
On their second attempt, emulsifying banana skin oil, generated a slurry that was capable of sticking to a herring or flatfish. Next step in the product development cycle was river trials.
"We've been hog-lining with scented bait and plugs for the past three weeks," Dennis explained. "So far, we haven't had a take-down. After three weeks of trials, it looks as if the banana scent doesn't work."
As it turns out, Marie's prototype banana scent has been working, just not working in the intended way. ODFW fish biologist Gil Finn explained, "We have been puzzled by the poor early Spring Chinook returns. We have been tracking Chinook as they come in from the Pacific and we've discovered that when they get to Tongue Point, they turn and head back out to sea."
Columbia River fishers frustrated by the lack of Spring Salmon now know who to thank. Marie and Dennis Will have singlehandedly thwarted one of the largest expected Spring Chinook runs in recent years.
"Well, we're certainly sorry about this." Marie told this
reporter, "Maybe the fish that turned out to sea will come in next year. And, I guess Bill Hedlund was right -- bananas are bad luck."
-David K. Sammon

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