Friday Funnies

[Adofish]

Anybody got a good Friday funny? I need a laugh before I give my customer a wood shampoo.

THANKS!

[STGRule]

Click Here.

[Adofish]

Thanks STGRule, I needed that and I have put the shampoo away. I believe the Hillsboro police are also appreciative.

[Hogmaster]

Here's another, for the "older" set. Glad I'm not there! At least for another couple months...


Many folks over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about

how they should present themselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,

the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
> >
> >1. A nose ring and bifocals
> >
> >2. Spiked hair and bald spots
> >
> >3. A pierced tongue and dentures
> >
> >4. Miniskirts and support hose
> >
> >5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
> >
> >6. Speedo's and cellulite
> >
> >7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
> >
> >8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
> >
> >9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
> >
> >10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
> >
> >11. Bikinis and liver spots
> >
> >12. Short shorts and varicose veins
> >
> >13. Inline skates and a walker
> >
> >And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older
> >set".....................
> >
> >14. Thongs and Depends
> >
> >Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when
you shop, whether for yourself or others.

[Hogmaster]

Subject: FW: A new Beavers fan
>
>
> A family of Oregon football supporters head out one Saturday to do
> their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a
> Oregon State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to
> become a
> Beaver fan and I would like this for Christmas".
>
> His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
> head and says, "Go talk to mother".
>
> Off goes the little lad with the Oregon State jersey in hand and finds
> his
> mother. "Mom?"
>
> "Yes son?"
>
> "I've decided I'm going to be an Oregon State fan and I would like this
> jersey for Christmas".
>
> The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
> says, "Go talk to your father!"
>
> Off he goes with the Oregon State jersey in hand and finds his father.
> "Dad?"
>
> "Yes son?"
>
> "I've decided I'm going to be an Oregon State fan and I would like this
> jersey for Christmas".
>
> The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
> says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT !"
>
> About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
> towards home.
>
> The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned
> something today?"
>
> The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
>
> "Good son, what is it?"
>
> To which the son replies, "I've only been an Oregon State fan for an
> hour and I already hate you Oregon &^%(ards."
>
:grin:

[Chromaflage]

Just ask your customer to hold this and stay very, very still.


CrF

[Hogmaster]

Maybe these will help:

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have
most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will
be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's
behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Whoever lit the fuse on you forgot the charge.

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[Chromaflage]

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I actually get to say that all the time!!

[Jennie@ifish]

Hogmaster, I can't stop laughing!!!!

You've hit two in the past three days.

You are on a roll!

Any more of this and I might actually think you are funny!

Jen

[Hogmaster]

:grin: :grin: :grin:

[Hogmaster]

History lesson for Friday:




A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him. The French General asked, "Why do your English officers all wear red coats?"

"Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at," exclaimed the French General?

In his bland English way, the Major informed the General that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

This little-known historical fact clearly explains why, from that day until now, all French Army Officers wear brown pants

:grin: