Long distance child visitation ?'s

NORMAFAN · 05-02-2005, 05:07 PM

After trying to make the relationship work again she decided to leave again. I have full custody of our child and was wondering what typical long distance visitations were. She has decided to move 6 hours away. In the past she lived 20 minutes away. Too bad because it is hard on our son but I got more minutes for the phone and set up an email account for him. I am more than willing to transport atleast one way but money is tight now, unemployed for about 4 months. I was hoping to get any advice from people that have gone through this and/or recommended lawyers for washington that are good but cheap, if there is such a thing. Thanks

Keeper · 05-02-2005, 05:54 PM

You don't mention the age of your son (mine was 13) and that is a huge factor.

I went through this in 2000 when my soon to be ex moved (700 miles/11 hours)to California. My lawyer had just experienced a similar case and was very helpful.

The ex gave me full custody of our son and moved within a month of the divorce filing. It was put into the divorce decree that HE would pay for all of our son's flights. However, if I moved further away then I paid the difference.

The lawyer suggested alternating holidays...I get the kid on Thanksgiving if it is an odd year and Christmas for even.

Your ex made the decision to move away from her son. If she wants to see him then she should make the effort.

One thing to remember...your son already knows what kind of person his Mom is. My son has high expectations of me but doesn't expect much from his Dad. This bugged the heck out of me until he reminded me that during "our previous life" it was always the two of us...Dad wasn't dependable then so why would he be now?

OOPS! That other case the lawyer had...couple had two young children (under five) and one spouse moved back east. The spouse that moved had to fly to PDX pick up children and accompany them on the return flight. The kids did not fly solo. The spouse that moved paid for all flights.

Feel free to PM if you have further questions. Good luck to you and your son.

slowbuilder2005 · 05-02-2005, 06:07 PM

The job is unstable where I work and I might be facing the same situation soon. I succeeded in finding local work which means that I don't have to move, but it's hard to say what'll happen to my ex-. She works at the same place. If her job comes to an end, it's hard to say where she'll end up ...and she's got full legal custody.

I don't know how old your kid(s) is/are, but the usual arrangement is summers with one parent (usually the noncustodial) and school year/winters with the other, trade off on holidays. Since your ex- is only 6 hours away, then you can likely do weekends along the way too ...not as often (at today's gas prices???), but a whole lot more than it could be if she were much further away. A guy I know at work has an ex- in Australia ...and she's so fickle, that even if he and she have made plans for a visit and he flies down there, half the time she's nowhere to be found and he loses his vacation plus the cost of the trip ...for nothing. If my ex- ends up somewhere else, then I pray that it'll *only* be 6 hours away...

1pump · 05-02-2005, 08:18 PM

My stepdaughter visits from Boise once a month. She's 12, and has been flying on her own for years. We buy the tickets far enough in advance to keep the price down. Cheaper and far less time consuming than driving that far. Every once in a while her dad tries to be difficult and we have to have a lawyer remind him of what he already knows- abide by the divorce/custodial agreement or go to jail.

It helps if both sides are mature enough to be reasonable, but we all know "divorce" and "reasonable" are two words that don't mesh well.

NORMAFAN · 05-02-2005, 10:12 PM

My son is 8 years old. The first time his mother and I split up he was 6 months old and I was 19. I had no money but my parents took out a loan to pay the lawyers and eventually I won full custody. The sad part about this time is that I paid for her to go to school while she didn't work. The first paycheck and she packed all her stuff while I was fishing. How pathetic is that?
Anyways she is a good mom. She just isn't the responsible bill paying type (owes almost $12,000 in child support). I don't want to limit the time between my son and her but I also don't want her to get a foothold in a court system. I am done with lawyers if I can help it. Last time I spent over $25,000 and now I can't imagine coming up with more.
I was thinking she could have him all but 2 weeks in the summer and then trade off in the spring and winter vacations. This is what I have seen as the normal from doing searches on the net. I was looking to see if that was the normal. The other problem is that I offered that she could stay down here in the spare room if she wanted to come down for the occasional weekend but according to her if I am not paying for the gas I am being unreasonable. I am also being unreasonable if I don't meet her halfway on Saturday to drop him off and then pick him up on sunday halfway. Am I nuts or is she crazy?
I still care about her and the relationship she has with our son but she hasn't and I don't think she will ever grow out of her flaky ways. And it seems that no matter what solution I give it isn't good enough and the threats of lawyers comes up. With my questions here I thought I would be giving her the norm with maybe a few bonuses and that would keep the peace. Thanks

newbeebob · 05-03-2005, 07:06 AM

My parents divorced when I was young and we moved with my Mom to Eastern oregon. We spent one month a summer with my Dad here, and then every other major holiday we were here. We allways met halfway, and it seemed to work pretty good. It's never easy and there is no right answer. As long as every one tries to keep your son's best interest in mind, I'm sure a plan can be worked out.

slowbuilder2005 · 05-03-2005, 08:46 AM

My parents divorced when I was 12, but before AND after that, I didn't see my dad much. He was a consulting engineer and always on the road. I didn't get to know him, actually, until I was in college and we both lived in the same area ...and even though I'll say my mother was less than optimal in several ways, things turned out alright in the end and my father and I (and the rest of my siblings) have a strong good relationship. The growing up years are important to both parents and the kids, but they do pass and there's a lot of adulthood for sharing lives. It would break my heart to be away from my kids and these justifications don't work for me ...but I know that we'd all survive, just far less optimally than I want. Kids are tougher than the psycho-babble folks like to portray. I think the parents involved suffer as much or more...