Some Irish Humor

[BuKuBass]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any
last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that **** gun!"

[Spinhead]

There's these two Irishmen, who have been best friends their whole life, and the one is on his deathbed. The one on his deathbed looks up at his faithful, lifelong best friend, and in his thick Irish accent says, "I have a bottle of hundred year old whiskey hidden back in me shed, and, as my last wish, I'd love it if you'd sprinkle it over me grave when I die" So, with tears in his eyes, the other Irishman looks down at his dying friend and says, "I'd be happy to make your last wish come true, as long as ya don't mind if it passes through me kidneys first."

[Hogmaster]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

************************************************** ****

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

************************************************** ***

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

*************************************

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

************************************************** *

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

**************************

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

[OK Deal Let\'s Fish]

What is the difference between an irish funeral and an irish wedding?


One less drunk irishman.

[Abalone]

An Irishmen was sitting in pub drinking it up but decided it was time to go home and go to bed. So he stepped off his stool and fell flat on the floor. So he grabs the stool and climbs but fall on the floor again. A third he says enough is enough so he crawls on the floor out the door and to his home. Pretty soon he is next to his bed, braces himself up and falls to the bed and goes to sleep.
The next mornin the wifes says " Been up all night drinken again have's ya ? "

" Why do you say that women ? "

"Cuzz the Pub called to say you left your Wheelchair down there again "

[Grain of Salt]

ya know, I am Irish, and I think all of these jokes smack of racism and bigotry......so keep um coming, cause I am too drunk to care.

[Spinhead]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[judyfish99]

I love St. Paddys Day!!