Split a gut

Perfect Drift · 05-03-2002, 03:16 PM

Notes from Inexperienced Chili Taster(Frank) :

I recently moved here to Texas from the east coast and i was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I just happened to be at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when they asked me. The
other 2 judges(native Texans) assurred me that the chili wouldnt be that hot and told me I could have free beer during the testing so I accepted!!!!

Scorecards for the Event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge#1: a little too heavy on the tomato, amusing kick!
Judge#2:nice smooth tomato flavor,very mild
Frank: holy crap! what is this stuff? you could remove dried
paint from your driveway,took me 2 beers to put out the flames.
I hope that was the worst one. these Texans are crazy!!!!

Chili#2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge#1:smokey, with a hint of port. slight jalapeno tang!
Judge#2:exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously!
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children!!!! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the heimlich manuver, they had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face!

Chili#3:Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili

Judge#1:excellent firehouse chili,Great kick but needs more beans!
Judge#2:a beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers!
Frank:call the EPA!!! I've located a uranium spill.my nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. everyone knows the routine by now(get me more beer before I ignite) ! the barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest!

Chili#4:Bubba's Black Magic

Judge#1:black bean chili with almost no spice,disappointing!
Judge#2:hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for other mild foods, not much of a chili!
Frank:I felt something scrape across my tounge but was unable to taste!Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb witch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili#5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge#1:meaty,strong chili with freshly ground cayenne peppers gives it a considerable kick, Very impressive!
Judge#2:chili with shredded beef, could use more tomato. but the cayenne peppers make a strong statement!
Frank:my ears are ringing and sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed the paramedics! the conestant seemed offended when i told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tounge from bleeding by pouring beer on it directly from the pitcher.I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. screw those rednecks!

Chili#6:Vera's Very Vegitarian Variety

Judge#1:thin yet bold,vegitarian chili. good balance of spice and peppers!
Judge#2:the best yet, aggressive use of peppers ,onions and garlic,Superb!!!
Frank:my intestines are now a straight pipe of gaseous sulfuric flames. I ******* myself when I farted and I'm worried it'll eat through the chair. no one seems inclined to stand behind me except that tramp Sally. I cant feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my arse with a snowcone!

Chili#7:Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge#1:a mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge#2:ho hum,tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of peppers at the last minute! I should make note that i am worried about Judge#3 as he is becoming uncontrollable!
Frank:you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and i wouldnt feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth! My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my damn shirt. at least during the autopsy they''ll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painfull! screw it I'm not getting any oxygen anyway, If I need air I'll suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach!

Chili#8:Billy Bob's Smokin A** Chili

Judge#1:a perfect ending, a nice blend of chili, safe for all ! not too bold but spicey enough to declare it's existence!
Judge#2:the final entry is a well balanced chili, neither mild or hot! sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge#3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. I'm not sure if he is going to make it. poor Yank, I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili!!!!

Slow Roll · 05-03-2002, 03:33 PM

Dang, almost cried on that one. :grin: Too dang funny.
Thanks for the laughs to lighten a long friday.

Paul B.

otter · 05-03-2002, 04:03 PM

:grin: :grin: :grin: Had to stop reading was laughing so hard, thanks!!! :grin: :grin:

Steelie Ben · 05-03-2002, 08:13 PM

Man I read this at work and I tell you it had the whole office rolling. I just about choked to death and urinated my pants! Thanks for the great laugh!

Cutter · 05-04-2002, 04:16 AM

Oh man I read this at work, well most of it, I had to quit, could not stifle the laughs any longer. I got to the blind in one eye part.

Snapshot · 05-04-2002, 07:44 AM

Kaus, greaaat story. I am a transplant from Texas and go back to visit every couple years. I will have to pass this own to some of the family. We always have at least one night of chili burgers and this might be the main topic this year. Thanks for taking the time to post it. I will get some milage out of it.
By the way, for all you hot Chili lovers, drink milk, it will save your taste buds... Beer won't do a thing for the heat...

*Fish only bite wet hooks*

Dan Christopher · 05-04-2002, 03:35 PM

some one help i have fallin and cant get up..that was just to dang fuuny. :shocked: :shocked: :shocked:

elmtree69 · 05-04-2002, 04:48 PM

i still have tears from laughing so hard. i am going to reprint this and leave it here and take a copy home, just way to funny for a saturday at work alone.

great job, next best will be if it was true.

[img]graemlins/lurk.gif[/img]

crabbait · 05-05-2002, 11:22 PM

Make him stop! My jaw hurts. I can't read with tears rolling down my cheeks. Had to get a run at this one to make it thru - three attempts

I want to read this to my dad. This is right up his alley. He's eighty and sports a pacemaker, hope it doesn't kill him! Hilarious.

lightline · 05-05-2002, 11:55 PM

Kaus: That was great. I dont think I will ever look at a snow cone in the same way again.

Tinned Fish · 05-06-2002, 10:00 AM

OK you transplants...

I have had the misfortune to have been raised by west coast chili makers. So I know it as a sauce for rehydrating stale cornbread and hiding vegetables that were in the crisper a bit too long. If you really have a chili recipe worth the time it takes to simmer it, toss it up here so I can make up a batch!

thanks

Tinned Fish

happybrew · 05-06-2002, 10:09 AM

This reminds me of the reaction of my wife and kids when I make chili. I can swear up and down that it's not hot. I really toned it down for them, and they're ready to jump into the swimming pool and drink it.

happybrew