Computer support calls and other funnies

[Hogmaster]

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall
Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the
second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that
"Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get
this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the
drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working
fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"




[ 02-27-2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Hogmaster ]

[wootersen]

[skrimmy]

Boy, hogmassa, how old was that WST article? :grin: Compaq is now HP and AST has been gone for years! Good stuff though, especially the cupholder part.

[Hogmaster]

Yeah yeah yeah skrimster. Fine. How 'bout this one then?

The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only twenty
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him/or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/
she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client (Name Withheld)

:grin: :grin: :grin:

[jr sherwood]

[img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img] You guys crack me up!!!! Thanks!!

[skrimmy]

Nice way to start the weekend. Thanks Hogmassa!

[Hogmaster]

One more - I can't resist!

CALLING IN SICK

Employee: "I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma?!?! What the hell is that?"

Employee: "Well basically, for the next few days I just can't see my butt coming into work."

[Hogmaster]

But wait! There's more!!! :grin:

Subject: Useful Military Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David
Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army
Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S.
Ammo Troop

[Spotted Owl]

were do you get this stuff my guts hurt

[Mad Mikey]

I just snorted diet grapefruit soda out my nose. Thanks HM...