Funny joke needed here....

[Cool Texan]

I need a funny joke. I'm stuck at work still...away from my beautiful pregnant wife, trying to wrap up a (currently) 14 hour day. Ate lunch at my desk...and just had dinner at my desk. [img]graemlins/berry.gif[/img] Tex is going crazy here...

Tell me a funny joke to break the monotony.

[thecougdad]

Here you go Tex!
A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows, but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian, and he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.
The next week the banker stops by to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What kind of pills ?" asks the banker. "I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[Cool Texan]

And a Texan joke no less!! Nicely done!

[fishstik]

a pirate walks into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.....the bartender looks down and replys to old one eyed peg leg, "do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" and the ol pirtate replys,"aahheee, and she been driving me nuts"

[Cool Texan]

[img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img]

[Spotted Owl]

An ad I heard a while back


FOR SALE

4 Angus cows
good breeding age
$1000 a head

FREE
1 Gay Angus Bull


Not ment to offend anyone just somethin that
makes me giggle a little when I hear or think of it


Have a good night Tex Get home and see your wife quick as possible

[fishstik]

Heres one i read.. FREE puppies 1/2 black lab 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.....

[jokester]

Here ya go CT! A little lengthy, but well worth the read

You can't say enough about doing the job right!!!!!!


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

-jokester

[Spotted Owl]

Jokester

This sounds like it might be experience talking

Yes/No

well worth the read even if not from experience

[ 02-23-2004, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: sled19 ]

[Kentucky Hog Hunter]

You Probably have heard this one before but since GW is a Texan I thought you could relate...

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, G.W. Bush said, "I am the U.S. President, and I am the smartest man in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a
General in the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my parties nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack
next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, Hillary Clinton, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old school girl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, " That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest man just jumped out of the airplane wearing my schoolbag."

<I fixed it for you, KHH - cb :grin: >

[ 02-23-2004, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: crabbait ]

[Mad Mikey]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class
> > and he told the
> > class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
> > He said, "God,
> > if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
> > platform. I'll
> > give you 15 minutes!"
> > Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God,
> > saying,"Here I am, God.
> > I'm still waiting."
> > He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine
> > just released
> > from active duty, and newly registered in the class,
> > walked up to the
> > professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him
> > flying from his platform.
> > The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and
> > yelled, "What's
> > the matter with you?
> > Why did you do that?"
> > The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
> >
> > Semper Fi

>

[jokester]

Jokester

This sounds like it might be experience talking

Yes/No

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helvetica">Maybe the changing the oil yourself, spilling it all over the place, forgetting the drain plug, and having to walk to get more beer, but THANK GOD not the DUI or Impound part :grin:

-jokester

[Mello-Yello]

An elderly gent is visiting his Dr. "I wish I could slow the aging process" he said to the Dr.
"Something you might try, don't know how it works, but it does...every morning at breakfast, spread a pinch of gunpowder on your oatmeal".

So, the old gent went home and first thing next morning, he spread a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal. He did this religiously, every day without fail, for just over 30 years!

Dying at the ripe old age of 98, He left a wife, 4 children, 18 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren, 3 great-great grandchildren and a 12' hole in the crematorium.

:grin:

[Cool Texan]

Just what the doctor ordered!! Well, he ordered my bed with my wife with my flannel sheets...but the jokes certainly help...for now. [img]graemlins/eek13.gif[/img]

[Cool Texan]

The jokes stopped already? But...but...but I'm still here!

[img]graemlins/berry.gif[/img]

[Lwagg2]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to
know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."

[Cool Texan]

[img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img]

[Lwagg2]

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the
cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business
Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is
on the back of the milk carton

[Lwagg2]

Twin sisters were turning 100 years old in the nursing home and a reporter from the local newspaper was assigned to cover the event. The reporter told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"He said, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again -- "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD, BOTH OF US?"

[Lwagg2]

So, this woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband". He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and
hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."




old West Texas Cowboy shuffled... slooooooowly... into an ice cream parlor,
pulled himself..slooooooowly..and painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath....
he ordered a banana split....

The waitress asked him kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No Ma'am," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Cool Texan]

Funny stuff. I bet the mods pull them, but funny stuff!!

[Freakwater]

a baby seal walks into a club.....

[GutZ]

A man takes his crosseyed Rotweiler into the vet.
The vet picks him up to examine him, carefully looking into his eyes, checks his teeth and says
"I'm going to have to put your dog down"
Sobbing and wailing the pet owner says :depressed: "Why, Why, because he's cross eyed??" :depressed:
The vet replies "No. Because he's heavy"
:tongue: :tongue: :grin: :tongue: :tongue:

[Mello-Yello]

These jokes are killing me!

Or maybe I'm must tired....

[crabbait]

A golfer stepped to the tee and shanked his ball out of bounds. It went ove the fence, bounced once on the sidewalk and careened through a car windshield. The car went out of control and plowed through a bus stop sending people flying everywhere.

Soon the police arrived on the scene and found the golfer sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. "Was that your ball that hit the car and caused the accident?", the officer asked. "Yes", replied the golfer. "What are you going to do about it?", said the officer. "Well, I think if I turn my hand over a little.....

[bignate]

kind of long but worth the time!

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond,
the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup
for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Good, well I thought so. A freind sent it to me.

[jokester]

Here's another for ya :grin:

Things you DON'T want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again...
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
23. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
24. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
25. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
26. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...
27. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

-jokester

[SalmonJeff]

ok ok I got a texas joke.

a texan goes over to australia to meet up with an old highschool friend and as soon as he gets there he starts in on the IN Texas........ so the Aussie takes him to his home to his ranch and as they sit on the porch the texan says " boy in texas we have real ranches much bigger then yours" and the aussie just sits and eats while looking at his fields. then the texan looks over and sees a kangaroo and jumps up all affraid yelling " what is that!!!! the aussie just sits down and calmly tells him not to worry that it was just a field mice and he oughta wait and see the house cats that eat them.

[Nuttinbutnet]

A guy walks into a Pharmacy and tells the Pharmacist that he has seen the ads on TV about Viagra. "What do you need to know?" asked the Pharmacist. "Can I get it over the counter?" the guy asked. "You can if you take two!" was the reply.

[SalmonJeff]

why do they call P.M.S , P.M.S?

because mad cow was taken!!!

[Steel Reign]

An elderly couple was driving their car in the Southern part of the U.S. when they were pulled over.
The state patrol came up to the drivers side and spoke with the man driving. Sir, he said I pulled you over for speeding back there and I need to see your drivers license.
The wife spoke up "What'd he say? The man spoke to the wife saying, he needs to see my license. Then the police officer stated that he now wanted to see the vehicle registration. What'd he say? barked the old lady?
He says he wants to see the registration. Now the police man was looking at the paperwork and tells the driver: "It says here that you're from New York City. I was in New York City once.
Worst time I have ever experienced with a woman in my life.
What'd he say? asked the woman. The old man said to her, he says he thinks he knows you...

[Woody]

A elderly mans family decides to throw him a party for his 90th birthday. During the party a stripper jumps out of the birthday cake and exclaims "I'm here to give you super sex!!" After some thought the old man replies, "Uhhh, I'll just have the soup."

[jokester]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's a$$?"

The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's a$$."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." :grin:

-jokester

[ 02-25-2004, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: jokester ]

[Cool Texan]

The jokes were appreciated the other night. Ended up working till around 3am that night, back in the office by 8 the next day. D'oh! The jokes totally broke up the delirium. :grin:

[pdxkevin]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.

The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"

[OceanBlue]

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House".. He walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife

[GutZ]

A bear walks into a bar and rests his arms on the bar and says "I'd like a ... ... ....


Beer"

The bartender says "What's with the big paws?"

[Degner]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


She's a woman.

[jokester]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?


She's a woman.

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helvetica">OMG!!!!!!!

-jokester

[Freakwater]

A priest, a rabbi, and an Italian guy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

[ 02-26-2004, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: Freakwater ]

[Lwagg2]

3 legged dog walks into the bar, sits down and says "I looking for the man who shot my paw!"

[CATCH AND EAT]

A Baptist Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi each buy new cars. Each man wanted to dedicate their car to God. The Baptist minister decides of course to baptize his vehicle in a nearby lake. The Priest decides to sprinkle Holy Water all over his new car. The Rabbi......grabs a hacksaw and cuts 3 inches off the tailpipe. :shocked: :grin:

[STGRule]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[10 more minutes]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says......why the long face?

[SteelieSlammer]

Blond Joke
A guy walks into a dark bar and sits down and is talking to this women when she askes to hear a joke. So he say "I got a good blond joke" She politely says" Before you finish you must know that i am a professional body builder and can bench 325lbs and I am blonde. That women on your right is a proffessional boxer with a record of 44-0 with 38 KO's and she is blonde. The women on your left is a 6'-2" 250lb proffessional rugby player and she is also blonde. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke. The guys says "heck no, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!"

[Radke]

A penguin walks into a bar and says 'Hey, any body seen my dad'

the bartender says, don't know, what does he look like?

[jokester]

Probably heard this one before, but it's worth reading again! Enjoy!
__________________________________________________ _________

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. :grin:


-jokester

[Snag]

A horse, a nun and a midget walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "What, is this a joke?"


Gag, wheeze....Sorry, it is the best I can come up with

[Jettin' Fool]

&lt;edited for content&gt;

[ 02-29-2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: STGRule ]

[Jettin' Fool]

ooop's :blush:

[LQQKASTAR]

&lt;again, edited for content&gt;

Come on guys, keep it cleaner or it will all have to go away.

[ 03-02-2004, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: STGRule ]

[Cool Texan]

:shocked:

[SteelieSlammer]

I work for a local construction company in town so this is one that got passed around he office.


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $10,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layout, no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $20,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, markup drawings, write specifications, even some calculations. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager."

[jokester]

SteelieSlammer....Oh how true!!!

-jokester

[Hogmaster]

Why stop now!??

This one is courtesy of reeldick...



Just because I am Blonde

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were
the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I
got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been
completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy
oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his
fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the
windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the
other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I must have won that silly argument.

[Hogmaster]

Thank God for Senior Citizens

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings
them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby rural township volunteer
fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money "?

Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that ;@$%^ truck!"


:grin: :grin: :grin:

[Cool Texan]

[Hoosier Daddy]

A baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says "whadaya have?"...seal says "anything as long as its not canadian club on the rocks"

[Cool Texan]

Ouch...second baby seal club joke in one thread. [img]graemlins/eek13.gif[/img] :shocked:

[Hoosier Daddy]

...that's what reminded me.....