Making time for the wife

[Fish mojo]

I'm sure some of you guy's have great fishing wives who like to go out with you and support your activities and think its great to get a new boat. I'm one who doesn't. Everytime I go, I get grief over being gone and spending too much time working on the boat and such. I feel I provide a good home, I'm a great father, and I don't fish near what I want to- once or twice a month. I do try to give her time, but I'm not a big affectionate guy. Her interests and mine are not the same. She sees fishing as more important than her. The more she gives me a bad time about it , the more frustrated i get with her. I'm about ready to give up. 18 years...

Any sage advice out there?

[SafetyChain]

FM,

I think you already see it.

She sees fishing as more important than her

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helvetica">I have a very similar situation (even been 18 years too). My wife would not go fishing if it meant life or death. But she DOES know that she is more important. You have to find the answer to that one.

[ 02-18-2004, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: SafetyChain ]

[Cool Texan]

That's a tough one. Maybe its time to ratchet up the romantic stuff for her. I send my wife flowers at her work 1 or 2 times a month, for no reason at all other than to tell her I love her. She's gotta know that her efforts are appreciated, and she's gotta feel like you spend as much, or more, time with her than you do on your hobby.

Hang in there!

[24 on/ 48 off]

18 years is a long time.. Has it always been this way? Ask youself what has changed- and work together to change it back.

--spud-- :smile:

[wannacatchem]

Don't know what to tell ya bro. My wife and I are complete opposite in so many ways. I'm not a real affectionate guy, she's like a teenage girl in heat. She likes rap (which I can't stand)and I'm an NPR/country/classic rock kind of guy. She watches every reality show on TV, I prefer thursday nights (CSI, ER) and thats it. She doesn't read much, I read everything I get my hands on. She can't turn on the computer, It's what I do for a living. She's big city, we live in a tiny, small town. She's 36, I'm 48

She did figure out, tho, that in order to spend a little time with me, and me a little time with her, that she better learn to like fishing. I made sure she has the best/warmest/dryest clothing, equipment equal or better than mine, and we don't get up early or stay late. She's a fish killin machine and enjoys it. She washes the boat as I clean and fillet fish, then we retire for another rendition of Fear Factor or Desperate Girl Needs to get Married to Average Joe on TV

I personally don't think fishing once twice a month is too much, as long as she gets you once twice a month. Maybe go, seperately, to a counseler, then together, might be more important underlieing things......

[ReelBeauty]

I think a lot of couple’s question what they have in common when they get older. I see my parents going through it now. Every body changes and you have to make sure you stay connected as you both grow. Give the romance stuff a try, even if that’s not the kind of guy you are. AT LEAST once a month try to plan a special evening with just you and her. Do something fun! Find the reasons you fell in love all over again! Fishing is your passion, when you’re not fishing you wish you were! And that would give any women doubts about where she stands. So leave her a little note once and awhile, send her flowers, or candy, plan something fun. I often got notes hidden in various places, and it gave me a great feeling every time I found one. Just and I love you or I miss you will go along way, it was the thought, and time it took to place it there just for me. Hope everything works out for you, 18 years is a long time. Wish you guys the best. Heidi

[ 02-18-2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: ReelBeauty ]

[WaterDog]

Every so often I just pop in the Brad Paisly CD (Part II) that has the "fishin song - I'm gonna miss her" on it, roll the windows down, and turn up the volume as I roll out of the driveway.

All joking aside, I completely understand where your coming from. My answer is a trip to the Caribbean for her vacation.

[CAPT KUJO]

Maybe introduce her to other fishing wifes....and if you offer to take her.....get her stuff that keeps her WARM & DRY!

CAPT KUJO

[Snapset]

Wow, what a difficult spot to be in. I am gonna sound like Ann Landers, and recommend counseling, if your marriage is getting to be a burden rather than a blessing. Do whatever it takes to keep your family intact. IMHO this is way too big of an issue to try to tackle on an Internet discussion board, even Ifish.

[Degner]

I would activley involve her in your fishing hobby by encouraging her to clean and cook the fish you and your girlfriend catch. [img]graemlins/hearton.gif[/img]


If that doesn't work, and I know this sounds drastic, try spending the other 1 or 2 weekends doing something she wants to do.

[CATCH AND EAT]

Originally posted by Snapset:
Wow, what a difficult spot to be in. I am gonna sound like Ann Landers, and recommend counseling, if your marriage is getting to be a burden rather than a blessing. Do whatever it takes to keep your family intact. IMHO this is way too big of an issue to try to tackle on an Internet discussion board, even Ifish.

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helvetica">And we have a winner here folks. Excellent suggestion Snapset.

My wife and I are opposites too but we have learned to live with each others quirks as they are. She goes on scrapbooking weekends with her girly friends or takes off on friday night to the local scrapbooking store and is there until midnight. I alway know where she is and who she is with and she comes home with some great looking ways to compile all of our memories. That's her hobbie.

I fish on Saturdays and she always knows where I am. She really does'nt care to fish much and that is just fine with me. I wish she did cause I'd love to have her along.

Your wife needs a hobby other than nagg'in ya to death about fishing. Of course you certainly need to pay attention to her too. Hang up the remote and hang out with her. After all, aint' she suppose to be your best friend?

I think she would be impressed if the suggestion came from YOU that it would be a marriage growth step to seek out counsiling to work out a few kinks between ya both. It will get ya talking and perhaps remind each other why the heck you fell in love in the first place.

Otherwise buy that Kenny Chesney tape Waterdog alluded to.

[ 02-18-2004, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: CATCH AND EAT ]

[STGRule]

What C&E and all above said. Talk to somebody. Other stuff has to be happening too and this is probably just the catalyst. It is possible to have very different hobbies and still be happy.

[happybrew]

Wow. Somebody else beside me feels guilty if they go fishing once a month! Word of advice... Don't! Tell her you just need that time, and the rest of it is hers. It's nt too much to ask. Of course, telling yourself that is an entirely different story....

happybrew

[ampersat]

You really need to spend some time talking to her about it in a productive way that allows you to understand her concerns and vice versa. Some folks need a counselor or mediator to facilitate the discussion. Realize it up front if it's necessary and it'll save you both a lot of time and grief, and possibly your marriage. Once you are both able to see the other person's point of view the way they see it, you'll get some traction toward a solution.

Here's the off the cuff, don't know anything about your relationship, short list of suggestions:
If she's jealous of your time on the water, she needs something she can enjoy for herself that you support her in doing. She needs to understand your love of fishing and respect it. You also need some activities that the two of you can enjoy together to help build your relationship. And a little romance goes a long way. Give her a little sugar and her attitude might sweeten a bit.

[lost_sailor]

Seems like you would have come to terms with this after 18 years.

My wife understands that if I don't go fishing I'll go crazy, and who wants to live with a crazy guy?

Everyone is different, I can't guess - - with us it's "shopping" and "fishing." Both take time and money. I don't "shop" unless I'm buying something. She doesn't "fish" unless it's a nice day to soak up sun in the boat.

I think our marriage has lasted 21 years in part because we have our own interests. We enjoy the time we spend together but aren't afraid to be apart.



Find a way for her to land a big chinook, then she'll "get it."

[freespool]

I had close to the same problem as you do about 20yrs ago. My girl freind just loves fishing and whitewater camping trips. Not saying this will work for you,but in my case it did. Dr. Phil say's do what you love and you'll be happy. Good luck hope everything works out for you and your wife.


salmon hugger

[Gus Orviston]

Just a thought...
do you spend (rhetorical statement for all) , as much time tuning and polishing your marriage and family as you do your boat and fishing stuff.

By saying this, I am not digging, just trying to illustrate one perspective. If your significant other doesn't get the same or more attention as you give your toys and activities there very well is going to be some hurt feelings.

You shouldn't have to feel bad for going fishing, and your wife shouldn't need to feel left out (btw: requirer her to join you probably isn't a valid inclusion)

Offer the following. I would like to spend one day per weekend doing something special just for us - above the normal day in /day out of life. And request days per month you can do whatever you like without having to justify your play time.

I am not an expert in this area for sure, with a family these days (3) kids I err on the side of staying with them as much as possible and foregoing much personal play time. My wife is very supportive and nearly pushes me out to go do stuff...that is to a point. I try to let her know in advance what I want to do with her, the family, and play so it is all discussed up front.

Counseling might be a good refresher for you guys, and you might learn how to position your goals and desires so they are well received by her.

gus

[crabbait]

Do yourself a favor and hire a guide...er...a counsellor. Its not to late to save your marriage if you both want to save it.

If either of you are just looking for reasons to dump on the other then it is time to start dividing the assets.

[OceanBlue]

Maybe it isn't even about spending time together. Maybe it's about spending time in areas that she feels are important. How many times has she asked you to do x around the house? Or y in the yard? Has she been wanting to embark on a project, but doesn't feel you support it, or would give it the same priority she feels it deserves?

Lots of guys I know that fish without their partners, have their partner's blessing because they get stuff done around the house AND still go fishing.

Maybe tell her you'd like to go fishing this weekend, is there something she'd rather you do? Then see if you can reach a compromise. And make sure you do the chore first.

[3riversBob]

Wow! Dejevue! Sounds like me in my past marriage. I tried to include her in my fishing interests but she really wanted no part of it. I tried the romantic angle. (not really an angle, I meant it) I wanted to renew our wedding vows for our 25th anniversary but she thought that was a stupid idea. We of course had many other issues and I am now in a new marriage. I am learning however. I freind gave me a book, which I don't remember the name of off hand, but the gist of it was that we all want or need to be shown love in different ways. Some people are satisfied with hearing "I love you!" while others need or want action. Would professional counsling have helped my marriage? I don't know! Having been through a divorce I will say that it is a hard road to travel and should be thought about long and hard. If I had it to do over again I would try counsling and highly recommend it in this case. The funny thing about my situation is that she would never go fishing with me but now she is in a relationship and fishes with her guy regularly and enjoys it. It apparently was me and not the fishing that was a problem.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[Mello-Yello]

Step 1. Get counciling...NOW!

Step 2. Do nothing until you've gotten some counciling.

Step 3. Live happily ever after (one way or another)

Hope everything works itself out and you can both be happy.

M-Y

[WheresMyBobber]

STG and Ocean Blue make very good points. I'm certainly no expert, but my guess is that there is something else bothering her (maybe more than one thing), or she feels that some part of your relationship isn't where she thinks it should be. I hate to see anyone get divorced - if I were in your shoes I'd be looking for a good marriage counselor and having a lot of heart to heart talks. I wish you luck!

[id. painter]

Yep ,,, there is something else going on . Its not just the fishen.
Been there done that . Good luck. id. painter

[Fish mojo]

Thank you all for sharing your experience and expertise. We are working on issues. I have too much of an investment to give up without trying to work things out.

[Beerbelly]

The wife have been together for 46good years. The first part I fished the weekends. Then I retired and she thought 4days a week was a little much so I sayed home every day for 3 weeks, At the end of 3 weeks she was begging me to go fishing. I now fish 5days and take the weekends off.

John