A lesson on singin' the Blues

Riverkeeper · 10-30-2003, 07:43 AM

I know we have some blues afficionados on this board, but do we have any blues singers? If this is something you are considering, here are some simple ways to make sure that you stay within the accepted bounds of the tradition. I used to sing in a blues/rock band, and maybe if I had had the benefit of a list like this, I wouldn't be [img]graemlins/program.gif[/img] today.

Hope you find this helpful,
Skunked Plum Nixon

How to Sing The Blues:

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh
500 pounds."

4. The Blues is not about choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are
still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in
any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you were skiing
is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping
on it, is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d.
bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues: a. Macy's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League
institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older
than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be
satisfied
No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can
see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey
or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c.
Snapple d. Slim Fast e. Starbucks Frappuccinos

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat
River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big
Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical
infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus
name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President
(Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues. (unless, of course it's a PC and you're using
Windows 2000).