PC Halloween

[pdxkevin]

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:


Witch burning:
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on ----. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.

Window waxing:
These days you'll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

Trick-or-Treating:
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal racketeering statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft- bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.

Apples:
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals or their depiction is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 2003 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

A cowperson? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.

So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court.

Let's not forget that Halloween was originally a pagan holiday. If we don’t honor Halloween in the pagan tradition are we being insensitive to pagans. But on the otherhand if we do honor the pagan traditions are we forgetting the 'separation of Church and State'? Kinda stuck either way...

As for cotumes - angels are out as they may offend the atheists. same would go for anything that is of a demonic nature as it too infers a religious beleif.

Enough of the things banned. How about some ideas for PC costumes? OK here ya go:

The Disenfranchised Externally Domiciled Person (formerly "The Hobo"):
Very similar to the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, except the adorable checkered-handkerchief-filled-with belongings-on-a-stick is replaced with a "will work for ---" sign. Actually, exactly the same as the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, only you can't say so out loud.

The Elder Statesmen (formerly "Scary Mummies"):
Long forgotten ancient mummies rise from their dark lairs to raise evil spirits (and property taxes, income taxes, sales taxes, capital gains taxes....). Now available in Minnesota and New Jersey.

Corporially-addicted, Photosensitive Victim(formerly "Vampire"):
We now know that Transylvanians, particularly members of the Transylvanian royal family such as counts, are genetically predisposed to compulsive nocturnal behavioral patterns and (how to put this politely?) "drinking problems." While one cannot condone their anti-social "acting out" (like biting people on the neck and turning into bats), one must learn to understand the underlying causes. Of course, admitting you have a problem (or, admitting that you sleep all day in a coffin wearing a tuxedo) is the first step. If you, or someone you've bitten on the neck, is a Corporially-addicted, Photosensitive Victim, ask for help. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life (which, if you are an eternal creature of the undead, could be a really, really long time).

Follicle-ly Over-Stimulated Individuals (formerly "Werewolves"):
Okay, there's no need for anyone to suffer from the symptoms of this rare and humiliating disease anymore. Modern-day methods of electrolysis, depilatory creams, and waxes and, of course, extensive therapy and prescription anti-depressants can help turn your half man/half animal into a socially acceptable gentleman. That is, if one accepts the conventional stereotypes of patriarchal male behavioral patterns.

Non-Human Family Members (formerly "Pets"):
A Black Cat? A Playful Puppydog? A Funny Monkey?
Funny to whom? Exploiting these animals as "Halloween costumes" merely advocates other forms of animal "testing" and "forced domesticity." This year, when your three year old insists on dressing as a "kitty cat" for Halloween, remind him and/or her that she and/or he is not just "dressing up" as an "animal" but, rather, is representing a "different," but "equal" member of the "society of creatures," with all the "rights" and "entitlements" inherent in their "status" as "leg-enhanced" "entities." He and/or she will thank you for it.

Have a safe, happy, and socially aware Halloween.

[ 10-24-2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: pdxkevin ]

[Thumper]

Funny post PDX. But not too far off the mark. My Sooz is a PE teacher in the Portland Public Schools and has the good fortune (?) to work at a school that has more than 50% non-English speaking kids, mostly of Russian heritage.

They can't even mention the word Halloween, as it is considered by Russian families as a day of devil-worship. Their school Halloween events are therefore officially termed "Fall Festival", and no Halloween paraphernalia is allowed.