Something Cheerful Please?

[Cool Texan]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[Cool Texan]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of estrogen. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

[Hogmaster]

Subject: Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed,and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"


:grin:

[OceanBlue]

CT: [img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img]

Hogmaster: Very nice.

Thanks! Keep em coming. I'm smiling! (bet there's some others doing the same!)

[Cool Texan]

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

[Cool Texan]

A Texan is bragging to a New Englander. “In Texas,” he drawls, “you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall.”

“So what?” replies the Yankee, “We have slow trains in Rhode Island, too.”

[Cool Texan]

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Texan. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the Texan.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the Texan boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the Texan boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a Texan."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

[Cool Texan]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[OceanBlue]

CT - yer killin' me. I'm laughing now. Keep it up and you'll have me on the floor!

[Cool Texan]

Bill Clinton was on a sinking ship and everyone was rushing to get into the lifeboats.

The captain yelled, "Woman and children first!"

"Screw the Woman!" One man yelled.

"Do we have time?" said Mr. Clinton?

[Cool Texan]

What does Tiger Woods have that Ladi Di didnt?

A good driver.

[Cool Texan]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[Cool Texan]

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

[Fisherfield]

O.k....I've got one!

Two guys are walking down the street with their dogs...one guys got a german sheppard the other guy...a weiner dog. When the two arrive at an intersection, the german sheppard owner says "man it's hot...sure could handle a nice cold beer" the weiner dog owner says.."john (the bartender) will never let us in there with the dogs"...the German Sheppard owner says follow my lead...as he puts on sun glasses...walks in, sits down and orders a beer. John, the bartender says "you can't be in here with that dog"...the German Sheppard owner says..."this aint no ordinary dog...it's my seeing eye dog.".."oh" says John as he pours him a beer. The weiner dog owner follows suit and orders a beer, when John the bartender says..."now come on, you can't have that dog in here!"...the owner of the weiner dog says.."why, this is my seeing eye dog"...John says "Weiner dogs aren't seeing eye dogs!"...the weiner dog owner says..."they gave me a weiner dog!?"

[Cool Texan]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

[Cool Texan]

Why are women's feet so small?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

[Cool Texan]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[OceanBlue]

Maybe Mrs. Geek should print this out and take it to Geek in the horsepital, eh?

Naw, he'd only have to stay longer because he'd bust a gut!

[Lovestafish]

No offense ladies...
What do you do if your wife says her watch is broken? Nothing, there's a clock on the stove.

[FallRiverGuy]

When are you going to come up for a breath CT.

[ 08-05-2003, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: FallRiverGuy ]

[OceanBlue]

Wind him up and watch him go! He must have an email file with these things all just waiting to be fired off!

Thanks Pal! All of you! Thanks for coming to the rescue.

[Cool Texan]

Any time OB. I'm here to help. :grin:

[OceanBlue]

Wish I had a "hug" smilie, but I don't so this will have to do [img]graemlins/hearton.gif[/img]

[happybrew]

Got this one in my e-mail

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail; only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you ...
....you freaking mosquito.

[OceanBlue]

Okay guys.. here's one for the women! (sent to me by a man, by the way :grin: )

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil
change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty
litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full so instead of taking it back to
auto store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Have a Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with
drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in
the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step
23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Total $4150.00

But, BY GOD, you know the job was done right!

[Cool Texan]

Reminds me of the time my brother decided to "save some money" and change his own oil. Jacked the truck up, put a pan under it, removed the plug. When it stopped pouring out, he double checked the dipstick. Well, the dipstick showed "Full". Turns out he had drained the transmission fluid out of his 5 speed truck. D'oh!!! I dont remember what it cost him, but it was NOT a $20 oil change! :grin:

[ampersat]

so this guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder, sits down at the bar. when the bartender comes over to get the drink order he says to the guy, "that's a neat trick. how'd you get him to sit there like that?" the frog says, "i don't know. it started out as a bump on my behind."

[FallRiverGuy]

ADVENTURES IN BACK-REELING

While checking my buddy Bill’s spinning tackle to ensure everything was rigged properly for his first try at steelhead fishing, I tugged on his line, but nothing happened. I pulled harder. Nothing. “Your drag’s too tight-like nonexistent.” “I like it tight,” he answered. “What do you do when a fish wants to run?” “I back-reel ‘em.” I stared at him. “Back-reel?” “Sure. Just reel backwards, but don’t give ‘em any more line that I have to. I’ve landed largemouth bass to 14 pounds that way.” “These aren’t bucketmouths, Bill, they’re steelhead.” “Well, if you don’t mind I’ll try it my way.” We had fished for nearly two hours when, at the head of the Little Oyster pool, he got his chance. His bobber floated downstream, its fluorescent red cap cocked slightly forward as the sinker brushed lightly over the bottom. Suddenly, it disappeared. “Strike!” I barked.
Bill’s rod bowed as a mint-bright fish in the mid-teens burst into the air. It splashed down, then streaked straight away, skittering across like a high-powered speedboat. I had never seen anyone back-reel before. It proved interesting. His rod tip snapped downward, then both arms extended as far as he could reach. He tried reeling backwards as he was pulled forward off balance, staggered, then lost his grip on the reel handle. It accelerated instantly, repeatedly striking his fingers and hand with a ratcheting sound similar to a child running a stick along a picked fence. Between that and Bill’s high-pitched yelping, it got quite noisy for about four seconds, which was when his line parted with a sharp crack, like a .22 rifle shot.
As Bill waded ashore, his battered hand tucked under his armpit, I asked, “Was that a bit faster than a bucketmouth?” “You might say that,” he admitted. “Faster and Stronger.” Bill eventually caught two nice steelhead that day-the first of many over the years-but only after we adjusted the drag on his reel.

[ 08-05-2003, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: FallRiverGuy ]

[boater]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS POINTING TO

[OceanBlue]

Could really use a good guffaw about now... anyone got anything to share? Heartwarming, baudy, cute, funny, truly tasteless? Okay, well let's stay away from the last one, but you get my meaning...

[hntngirl]

[img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] And the blonde jokes continue....

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and s hook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[Cool Texan]

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."

"Is that you Lord?" she says.

"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

[Cool Texan]

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

[Hoosier Daddy]

[Hogmaster]

>
> There's something here for all of us....
>
> "Truisms"
>
> A good time to keep your mouth shut is when
> you're in deep water.
>
> Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not
> have had a very exciting youth.
>
> How come it takes so little time for a child who
> is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who
> wants to stay out all night?
>
> Business conventions are important because
> they demonstrate how many people a company
> can operate without.
>
> Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
> than everyone else looks?
>
> Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
>
> There are no new sins....the old ones just get
> more publicity.
>
> There are worse things than getting a call for
> a wrong number at 4AM. ... It could be a right
> number.
>
> Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only
> a game" when their team is winning.
>
> How come we choose from just two people for
> president and 50 for Miss America?
>
> Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will
> make him wag his tail.
>
> Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't
> live long enough to make them all yourself.
>
> The nicest thing about the future is that it always
> starts tomorrow.
>
> If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
> don't have any sense at all.
>
> Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
>
> You know you're old when you reach down to get
> the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize
> you aren't wearing any.
>
>

[AtWorkALot]

A little on the tasteless side, but you asked for it.

A guy took a blonde out on a date.

Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting good, he thought he might get lucky; so he asked her if she wanted to get in the back seat.

"NO," she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not
ready yet.

Now, he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed and things are really getting hot, so he asked her again if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again, she answered, "NO."

Now he has her bra off, they're both sweaty and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. He asks again if she would like to get into the back seat.

"NO!" she screams.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"

She replies, "Because I want to stay up here with you!"

[AtWorkALot]

A recently divorced man is walking down the beach when he notices and interesting bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and begins dusting it off. Much to his surprise, out pops a Genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp" says the booming voice. "As a reward for releasing me, you will be granted three wishes. But, whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double."

Immediately, the man wishes for a mansion by the sea. *Poof*...*POOF*... A beatiful mansion pops up, with an even bigger one right next door.

Next, the man wishes for a billion dollars. "Done" says the Genie. "Your ex-wife now has two billion dollars."

The man thinks and thinks. Finally, he says to the Genie, "For my final wish, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

[img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img]

[WaterDog]

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
>
> 2. Who was the first person to say "See this chicken there....I'm gonna
eat
> the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
>
> 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible
> crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>
> 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
>
> 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>
> 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
> why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
> 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
> going to look up there anyway?
>
> 10. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
> didn't he just buy dinner?
>
> 11. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 12. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 13. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
> 14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
> 15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
> you, but when you take him on car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[puffins crew]

Hi Jen,

This is true of most all males of any species.

God has blessed Man with two heads, but cursed him with only enough blood to use one at a time. :grin:

Peace, Tom

[ 08-06-2003, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: puffins crew ]

[OceanBlue]

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