Wednesday releif

[pdxkevin]

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

[Grantspastor]

Call me. You need counselling

[reeldick]

Wow, those are baaaaad.

[hntngirl]

[img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] Ahh! Stupid jokes are the best jokes! :grin:
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Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

[Tanner]

[img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] :grin: [img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img]

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," the manager said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
:grin: :grin: :grin:

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

There's this kingdom and everyone's happy, but there are these monks who control all the flower shops in the land. The king doesn't like this, so he calls on everyone he can think of to stop these monks from controling the flower business. One of his avisors suggests that he call upon a man named Hugh. The king does this and Hugh turns out to be very successful in stopping the monks. Hugh sets up a new shop and things are all fair again. Why did this happen? Well, it's because Hugh only Hugh can prevent florist fryers :grin: :grin: :grin:

This is for you old timers.

At the ballpark one warm Sunday afternoon a pitcher named Mel Famey was absolutely mowing down the opposition. One strikeout after another! He seemed unhittable!
Long about the 7th inning someone offered Mel a nice cold beer while his team was at bat. Well one beer lead to another...and another...and another so pretty soon old Mel was pretty plastered. When it came time for him to stagger out to the mound to pitch Mel was so drunk that he had no control whatsoever and proceeded to walk the next several batters before being yanked by the manager.
After the game one of the opposing players noticed a pile of empty beer bottles in dugout of Mels team and asked his teammate
"Is that the beer that made Mel Famey walk us?"

[FallRiverGuy]

I did not see ***'s second joke. He stole my thunder. A different version but same punch line, but mine envolved friars. :grin:

[ 07-29-2003, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: FallRiverGuy ]

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

FRG
Several friars at a monastery decided to start a business so they could make donations to a local charity which they deemed a worthy cause. After much deliberation, the friars decided that, due to their gardening expertise, they should start a flower business.

After a couple months, the friars' flower business was doing extremely well - so well, in fact, that the local florist was beginning to suffer. The florist, realizing that his livelihood might be in jeopardy, approached the friars and asked them to find another business so that he might continue operating profitably. The friars politely said, "No."

After a couple more months, the florist's business was very bad and things looked bleak. Realizing that her son's business was failing, the florist's mother approached the friars and asked them to cease the floral business so that her son could continue. The friars were polite but once again said, "No."

A couple months more passed and the local florist had lost most of his customers to the friars. His family was suffering badly since the florist had practically no income. In desperation, the florist hired Hugh McNally, a local strongman to "convince" the friars to stop. Hugh went to the monastery and asked the friars to please discontinue selling flowers because they had taken most of the business of the village florist. Once again, the friars politely said, "No."

Hugh, a man of great actions but few words and less temper, beat up a half dozen of the friars. He destroyed their flowers and trampled their gardens. Immediately, the friars had a meeting and decided that it was in everyone's best interests to terminate the business.

The moral to this story is very simple: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[ANDYCOHO]

Whats the difference between roast-beef and pea-soup?

Anyone can roast beef! :tongue:

In medevil times there was this kingdom that was menaced by a dreaded monster known only as the yellow fingers The king would dispatch his bravest knights out to battle this menace only to have those knights never return.
It finally got to the point where the knights would refuse to go out to face the yellow fingers because they knew it meant certain death.
The king was in a quandry as to what to do.
Finally the king, having run out of knights, had no choice but to send a lowley page out on foot to face certain death! Low and behold the page returned to the king unhurt! The yellow fingers could not defeat him!
Moral of this story is:
"Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers"

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed
some "monosodium glue to mate".

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

A Math One

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.

He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an &*#$@!!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb @^&*%! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged.".

The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
:grin:

[Keeper]

Timmy was a little five-year-old boy who's Mom loved him very much. Being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he came home
one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like "big boys". He protested so loudly that she had to find another way to handle it.

She asked her friend Shirley if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Shirley said that, since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way
for them to get some exercise so she agreed.

The next school day, Shirley and her little girl set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend noticed that this same lady was following them every day.

Finally Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."

Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her little girl Marcy," Timmy said.

Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does she follow us every day like that?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life."

So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."