Help Wanted: US Government Looking For Qualif

[speyfly]

Help Wanted

The current administration is looking for qualified applicants to fill positions in its new agencies, departments, task forces, offices, appointments, organizations and bureaus spawned from the war on terror. (No. Of course this is not big government. We are a Republican administration, for gosh-by-golly sakes. We call it: Operation Never-Ending Small Government.)

Qualifications

* Aging white men, responsible for an assortment of wrongdoings and misconduct in former administrations given top priority.
* Persons convicted of multiple felons involving, say, illegal arm sales to foreign guerillas, let off on technicalities; those involved in egregious corporate transgressions; and human rights violators and individuals considered war criminals by many at home and abroad who were once integral in the preemptive "secret" bombing and killing of millions of civilians in a country in Southeast Asia or in a deadly South American coup that happened on another tragic September 11th in 1973 are welcome to apply. Misdemeanors okay, too.
* A proven track record of lying to/withholding information from/misleading Congress and the American people in the name of national security (or not), a huge plus. Willingness to continue doing so is extremely desirable.
* References from current or past foreign dictators and Geedubya's daddy favorably received. (An Axis of Evil leader's recommendation acceptable. If US corporations find it kosher to continue doing business with these anointed evildoers, that's good enough for us.)
* Established, direct ties to industry an absolute must.
* Ability to work shredder and delete button on computer required.
* Space in private home to store sensitive, sought-after governmental documents from past administrations puts you at a real advantage.
* Your conflict of interest is not a conflict for us.

Salary

Commensurate with what you can get away with. While Bush just limited federal employee raises (below what Congress asked for), he has now reinstituted cash bonuses for political appointees. This practice was banned during the Clinton era due to questions of abuse and of rewarding political loyalty. But like the daily resurrection of other long-gone, dearly departed policies, practices and people revived in this administration: it's back.

A Justice Department memorandum explains that the bonuses "will be limited to truly outstanding performance that contributes directly to achieving the president's and the attorney general's national goals and objectives." So, just play nice with John and Geedubya and you're golden. Literally.

Perks

Unparalleled power veiled in a cloak of secrecy. We're in the process of eviscerating the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). Sshhh. It's a secret. We know what a great tool it is for the American people to use to find out what we're up to. And we don't particularly want people to know these things. So back in October 2001, Ashcroft assured agency heads that the Justice Department would back any FOIA denials they made to the public.

Then White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card gave instructions in a March 2002 memo that agencies should restrict access to "sensitive but unclassified" information requested through the FOIA. "Sensitive" is a boundless umbrella. Already this has resulted in the deletion of over 6,000 Pentagon documents. And there are more deletions on the way, to be sure. And now the recently passed Homeland Security bill includes a provision that lets agencies exempt themselves from certain FOIA requests without any judicial review. So, there are almost no checks and balances in place.

Cloak of disinformation. It's true that Rumsfeld's Office of Strategic Influence was shut down after public outcry about an office whose blatant purpose was to generate disinformation and propaganda abroad and at home. But, this fall he created a new position: Deputy Undersecretary for Special Plans. "Special plans" are deception operations that control public information. So, basically these special plans will do what the Office of Strategic Influence was to do under a different guise.

We do that all the time: change the name of something objectionable so the American people will think the objectionable thing has gone away. But we really keep it and repackage it under a new, obfuscated, sanitized name. Remember the School of the Americas and the Department of War? Still here. Same objectives. New names. (Corporations who have gotten bad press do that, too. Lawsuit-ridden Philip Morris will soon be the benign Altria Group, Inc.)

If you want a perk we haven't mentioned just let us know and we'll get it for you by burying it deep in the pages of a long-winded bill, like we just did for our good friends at Eli Lilly & Co. We slid in some language in the midst of a domestic security bill that Bush just signed making Lilly all-but impervious to lawsuits regarding a preservative in its vaccines that many claim causes autism. At first glance, this clause may not seem to have a thing in the world to do with national security. Just trust us.

The fact that Bush I sat on Lilly's board in the 70's, and White House budget director, Mitchell Daniels, is a former Lilly exec, and that Lilly contributes more to political campaigns than any other pharmaceutical company, and this past summer Bush appointed Sidney Taurel, Lilly's Chairman and CEO, to the Homeland Security Advisory Council is, needless to say, immaterial.

We also slid in additional perks for other industry people, like the secrecy clauses that will make it a lot harder for people to get information about the dangerous chemicals that might be near their homes. We know congresspersons don't often read through all the pages upon pages of all those tiresome bills.

But, somebody caught the Lilly clause. And currently nobody will claim ownership. Apparently, in America we can pass laws without lawmakers completely reading them and understanding their full consequences to the American people, and without anybody having to take responsibility for them.

(Another perk.)

Soon the question of who authored and inserted this clause will fade away like the lawsuit to obtain documents about Cheney's energy task force and its meetings with lobbyists and industry executives; outrage about corporate scandals; urgency to find Osama bin Laden; concern about rebuilding Afghanistan; and the memory of Bush's dubious military record. It's a good thing the American people have a mercifully short memory. We are getting away with things we could only imagine in our wildest dreams just a couple of years ago. (A colossal perk.)

The US Government Is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Unless you are those translators we let go. We are painfully short on people who can translate Middle Eastern languages and we said we desperately, desperately need them to help fight the war on terror. But they were, well.you know (g-a-y) and we don't want to win our terror war THAT bad.

And we also don't employ too many women or people of color - except those high profile few we can keep in our pockets like Condi and Colin and Katherine. (Yes, the people elected Ms. Harris. But we recently named this freshman congressperson Assistant Majority Whip because she was just an absolute peach during the 2000 election in Florida.)

You also probably need not bother applying if you aren't rich. Almost every one of our upper-level appointees are multi-millionaires. And finally, all you thousands of people we just canned from the federal jobs we are privatizing to help out our industry friends absolutely need not apply. No exceptions.

If interested please send resume, organization memberships, voting record, schools attended, all websites visited, email content and address book, DVDs rented, medical history, religious affiliation, CD purchases, book purchases, protest and activist history, library transactions, grocery list, content of questionable and not-so questionable telephone conversations, ATM/banking transactions, travel history, and all credit card transactions to.

Never mind. We already have them.

[ 03-15-2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Jennie@ifish ]

[poshie]

Is your post copied from an article...or are you the source? Particularly the word chris.....?

[speyfly]

No posh, not my words. It was sent to me as a joke so I thought I would share it. I don't understand your refernce to "chris....?"

[HOGTIDE]

Geeez....and you think Rush is abrasive?

[FishBowl]

EORE=SPEYFLY

[Lured In]

[Pilar]

Wow ... and I thought I was cynical.

Good points about cronyism in government. But it applies to both sides of the aisle, historically speaking. The erosion of checks and balances, and basic human rights to privacy and freedom from illegal search and seizure are also worrisome.

Rush may be abrasive but he is never very original or clever like the author of this .. whatever you call it.

Who wrote it?

[Hoosier Daddy]

....get over it......

Wasn't Gore pretty pro-action in this regard? Anyone care to wager that he may have acted similarly???

[The Fishing Geek]

Originally posted by Hoosier Daddy:


....get over it......

Wasn't Gore pretty pro-action in this regard? Anyone care to wager that he may have acted similarly???

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helvetica">Politics in general has turned into what you see above, on both sides of the political fence. However, I refuse to "get over it". I may have come to expect such behavior, but I refuse to accept it.

[speyfly]

What Geek said . If those of you, when you see corruption and choose to look the other way, you deserve what you get.

As far as Gore, this is not about Gore or Clinton, Bush Sr., Regan or any other politician. It is about what is good for us, you and me and lets not forget about what is good for the rest of the planet. We are paying a very big price for past mistakes.

[Hoosier Daddy]

I actually agree with Geek on this issue. Don't turn your back on anything.

What I was implying with the yawns is that these are the same arguments and gripes we have been hearing since Bush was elected. We get it, OK, we get it.

Doesn't congress have a ton of Democrats in office right now?
And aren't said Democrats no doubt looking for presidential indiscretions with at least as much vigor as the Republicans did when Clinton was in office?
If these things are valid, which they very well could be, he will be hanged for it.
At least to the extent Clinton was hanged for the stuff he pulled.

If that isn't good enough, make it known at the polls.

There seems to be a continual view by many that Bush is the anti-christ or something. He is no better or worse than most leaders we have had. Does that mean he is perfect or even a good guy in general? Probably not.

And the implication that things might or might not be different under a different president did not start with me. It started with folks who have been (angry) at him since day one. I just presented an alternative view: that the second option (Gore) had some likelihood of making the same or similar decisions.

No one should turn their back and tolerate what they don't approve of. I just think many seem to have trouble keeping things in perspective. This war is not an "opportunity" to jump on our leaders. It is an unfortunate fact of life right now. If you have a problem with this leadership, that's fine, but realize that it isn't that different than leadership we have had in the past. They all suck(ed). If you (complain) about one, (complain) about all. No one should be immune!!

(Watch the language - crabbait)

[ 03-28-2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: crabbait ]

[speyfly]

HD, What ever happened to open government? I have a problem with secrecy and secret governments and that is what I see coming out of this administration. This goes back to the secret meetings that our president and his staff had in regards to our energy policies, blocking the investigation into 9/11 and everything else this administration has done since it was elected. I feel that if you are being secretive then you are hiding something. Here is a link that is discussing the same issues that I have questions about. CLICK HERE

[Hoosier Daddy]

(Crabbait: my apologies. I haven't read the use policies in awhile because I don't think I typically push them in anyway. I did here though. Sorry, I will watch myself)