The Complete Military History of France

[happybrew]

Got this in my e-mail today!

The Complete Military History of France
1. Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows
the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by
of all things, the Italians.

2. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule
of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman."

3. Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and
only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots.

5. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie
on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

6. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7. The Dutch War - Tied

8. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a
row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the
period as the height of French military power.

9. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

10. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though
the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule
of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."

11. French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.

12. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember
the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended
up being no match for a British footwear designer.

13. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the
role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a
Saturday night.

14. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find
out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one
who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.

15. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning the
Horst Wessel Song.

16. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness,
take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

17. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of
a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the
Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

18. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent
history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he
takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the
French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but
rather "How long until France collapses?"

[ 02-20-2003, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: happybrew ]

[Boedy]

[img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img]

[HeavyMetal BankFisherman]

American Fries made from Idaho potatoes.

How did the french get involved in our food. Aren't they known for sauces to cover up rank meat?

Oregon wines are as good if not better than thiers as well.

[1pump]

French forces plead sickness,
take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

<font size="2" face="verdana,arial,helv">

[ 02-20-2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: 1pump ]

[happybrew]

Hey, I just realized something. We just had to bail them out of LIBERIA! They can't even better such a pathetic force as Liberian rebels!



happybrew

[CATCH AND EAT]

Now if we could get them to leave Quebec Canada would be a better place too. :shocked: France has a problem, it's called the Napoleon Complex. Maybe we should be watching them a little closer, "yes?". [img]graemlins/idea.gif[/img]

[GutZ]

I have heard that going to war with out the French is like going hunting without an accordian player.

[pdxkevin]

The trend is growing... now restaurants across the country are proudly serving Freedom Fries.



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