Having never qualified for the military myself, I can only imagine what life on a ship must be like. But this seems to capture the look and feel for us land lubbers...
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six
months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and
move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
turn
off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors
so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature
up
to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On
Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the
week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over
without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud
Helen
Keller could hear it, and shout, "Reveille!"
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while
she
reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave
your house before 3 PM.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times
a day, whether it needs it or not.
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines,
and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have
your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations.
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry
or
refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having
steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally
get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried
ham
or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot
dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread
icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm,
jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt
button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and
uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them
in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove,
and
speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so,
speak
into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and
stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches
at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the
weather
is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit
in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to
have
a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and
run
it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per
pot,
and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer
until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that
at
the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for
"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World
has
been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will
be
another week before they can leave the house.
******, Rhamsme, others? Whaddya think???
PS - And to think what some of our iron bar prisoner "guests" think is "cruel and unusual punishment"!!???
A salute to our Navy friends!!!!
CATCH AND EAT
,Too fat 
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