Arnie gives back

[Hogmaster]

Arnie gives back

This one is for C&E and Paddlefish.

The day after Arnold Donald, proprieter of Donald and Meeker Recovery Services, successfully executed the operation to recover a big Caterpillar bulldozer, he was surprised by the General Manager of H1 Finance, who had hired him to perform the recovery.

Arnie pulled the big Volvo tractor-trailer rig with the Cat on board into the parking lot of H1 first thing Thursday morning. He was met at the door of the still-unopened business by Robert Mulfinson, who let Arnie in and escorted him to his office. This was only after Arnie begrudgingly agreed to take his constantly yapping and growling mutts back to the semi and lock them inside while he conducted his business.

After the normal pleasantries the conversation went like this:

“So, where’s my check, Bobber?” asked Arnie.

“Well, there is sort of a mixup, Mr. Donald”

“I donno about any mixup. But considering there is a 58,000 pound Caterpillar sitting on the lowbed tractor trailer rig you rented to bring it back to you out there in yer parking lot, it appears the job you hired me for is complete.”

Arnie’s nostrils started to flair and a slight snarl started at the corner of his upper left lip, just as Earl the Poodle/Healer’s does just before he attacks.

“Oh, yes, Mr. Donald. There is no doubt you delivered the equipment. It is just…. Well… we can’t keep it. You need to return it.”

“Huh?” Arnie’s expression turned to confusion.

“Well,” Mr. Mulfinson explained, “Betty Palmer, our entry level loan processor, appears to have filled out a wrong form and it turns out that instead of making a standard equipment loan to B&B Construction and Demolition she made, hmmm, another type of loan.” Robert involuntarily squirmed a little as he said this.

“Whatever. Just give me my check and you can work it out with Seymour.”

“Ethel”, said Robert. He had an “Oh boy” sort of look.

“Huh?”

“The loan was made to B&B, but Ethel was the Guarantor.”

“Fine. Ethel then. What has any of this got to do with me?” Arnie now looked positively annoyed.

“Well…” said Robert. “The problem is that we inadvertently loaned the money for the Cat on paper that called it a real property transaction.”

“And it is right fine real property” Arnie replied snidely.

“No, Mr. Donald. I mean as in real estate. We loaned the money as though the Cat was a vacation home!” Mr. Mulfinson was fuming under his breath, obviously thinking about the implications of what the now unemployed Ms. Palmer had done.

“So?” Arnie was now curious.

“Well, because it is a real estate transaction, before we can repossess it, we have been told by our corporate attorney that we need to go through the formal foreclosure process. That includes a 30 day waiting period from the final notice of default, which, as you know, we only provided last week. We can’t legally seize the home for another three weeks.”

“Dude. It ain’t a home.”

“Of course not,” said Robert. “But we have to treat it that way. And that is where you come back into the picture.”

“How am I back in the picture?”

“Well, Arnold, technically you violated the law by making an illegal seizure of a home.”

Robert flinched as he saw Arnie starting to clench his fists.
“But YOU hired me to get it back, pipsqueak! And it ain’t a damned home!!” Arnie spit most of this out while rising out of his chair and leaning over Robert’s desk.

“An entirely plausible and reasonable defense I suppose. But even if you can sue H1 for that, you’ll still sit in the County incarceration facility if Ethel files charges. It could take months to sort all this out. But we have a proposition for you.”

“Proposition? What proposition?”

“Our legal counsel has authorized me to offer that if you take the home back to Ethel, and convince her to sign a quit claim deed for the vacation property so we can immediately foreclose, then immediately bring the Cat back, we will defend you from any suits that you will face.”

“Huh? Take it back? Get that crazy woman to sign a document and then bring it back to you? Are you nuts?”

“The law works in strange ways Mr. Donald. The even better news is that if you follow through with the proposition we will pay you the 1% fee promised you. You just have to make a legal repossession. But do hurry Mr Donald. We only have the semi rented until noon, and after that we will have no choice but to deduct the $200 an hour OT rate from your proceeds.”

I won’t go into further detail regarding the conversation. But after a verbal poundown involving much blue language and a series of threatening gyrations involving Arnie pounding leather furniture, kicking a credenza and headbutting a bookcase, he agreed to the proposition. The thought of graybars does wonders for gaining clarity.

Besides, Arnie had come up with a plan.

Shortly before 9 AM, Arnie rolled the big rig through the front gate of B&B and the air brakes hissed as it came to a stop. He let it continue to idle.

No doubt because of the big gaping hole in the fence by the side road, the big Rotts were chained up around the yard. They were chained far enough apart to keep each one from ripping the other one to shreds, and vice versa, as ripping things to shreds was obviously their favorite pastime. They were all snarling and straining to get loose from their choke chains. Each one of them were built not unlike the bulldozer itself except they had teeth. Stocky and muscular, weighing close to 150 pounds each, they were impressive animals if you could ignore the fact that they wanted to tear you to into bite sized pieces then consume you.

Arnie could not ignore that. Neither could Burt and Earl, both of which were barking, snarling and biting the windows in the cab of the truck. They were a about ¼ of the size of the Rotts, but I’m not sure I would bet against them.

Anyway, Arnie squeezed out of the cab without letting the devil-dogs out, and walked to the porch of the double-wide. He was somewhat surprised he hadn’t been shot at or at least clubbed by a tire iron, but there was no greeting committee.

He knocked on the door.

“Yeah. Comon in” – a female voice commanded.

He walked into the foyer of the wide trailer. It was a space that had been converted to a dingy office area with a desk, phone, metal file cabinet and a couple of chairs. The place was a mess, with papers all over the desk and floor in no semblance of order. Behind the desk was a rather buxom platinum blonde, probably nearing the downhill side of her 30s. She was literally poured into a candy apple red Ann Taylor dress, and had nails, earrings, stillettos and lips to match.

“Ethel? I was expecting Seymour” Arnie fumbled out.

“Well hun, I sure as Hell ain’t Seymour. He had to go to town to get some stuff to fix the fence on account of our dozer getting ripped off last night.” She had a kind of breathy, southern way of speaking that commanded attention, and her direct glare re-enforced it. “I heard a rig drive up. You here to start some of that gas exploration, hun?"

“Well… errr… no. I brought the dozer back.”

“You did?! You are a jewel! Did you get the rat that took it?” She rose and came around the desk and gave Arnie a big hug for a little too long. OK. A lot too long. It wasn’t like he was fighting it.

Finally Arnie stammered out that he had a way that she could legally keep the dozer from getting repossessed.

“You know about that?” she asked.

“Well, yeah. And I also know more.”

At that point Arnie explained the fact that the big Cat was not considered a Cat at all, but was in the eyes of lending laws a second home. Needless to say, Ethel was all ears and eyes herself. She stood about two inches from Arnie and had the look of a kitten being rubbed under the chin, which is basically what Arnie was doing even though it wasn’t his intention. He thought he could hear her purring.

He then explained his master plan, though not in such a way that she got all the details.

Arnie realized that with the new national foreclosure assistance act, homeowners finding themselves upside down on mortgages taken within the prior 12 months were eligible for 100% loan to value government backed loans. And since he also had found himself upside down on his own home, he knew the process of filing all the paperwork and could do so quickly. Not even a drive by appraisal would be required.

Gotta love the Gobernet.

He explained to Ethel that for a mere $2000, which would come out of the loan proceeds and not even cost a dime out of her pocket, he would take a finders fee to get her to a special lender (Baitfish Mortgage) who would take another small wrap in fee to cut through all the morass of paperwork and she would be able to refinance the “vacation home” for a 30 year 6.5% loan. It would cut the monthly payment on the $146,000 10% 10 year loan to $950 from $1980. But of course time was of the essence, since there was a 30 day clock that had already been ticking for several days.

He did not mention that instead of receiving $1460 from H1 he was choosing to earn $2000 from Ethel. He also never quite filled in the blanks about how he came into possession of the Cat, and she did not think to ask.

Arnie dug some paperwork from his back pocket and Ethel eagerly signed his promissory note and agreement to pay the finders fee by sitting on the edge of the desk and using her right thigh to sign on while dangling her left. Another of her sultry hugs ended with her husky whisper of "Call me". It was a mismash of emotions as he started glazing over with thoughts of Ethel but then thought of Seymour. It was clearly time to go.

He was soon on his way after backing the big dozer off the low-boy.

He dropped the Semi off at the truck rental and walked back to H1 where he told Mr. Mulfinson that he was not going to get the Cat back quite as planned, but the good news was H1 was going to get 100% of the loan proceeds from a buyout. Robert was so relieved, and given that Arnie conducts volumes of work for H1, he decided to pay Arnie the 1% fee after all. He also agreed to pay the other incidental expenses including the cost of the pole vaulting poles, fuel and the $150 driver fee for the repo.

And that is how I got the money to pay for my stitches.

[Fast Water]

Ha ha. Very good.



A tidy ending.

[Chrome Bumper]

Arnold Donald in 2012.

[Hogmaster]

Originally Posted by Chrome Bumper

Arnold Donald in 2012.

I guess its a thought.

I think he might have to take on a little more local community service first though.

And dealing with the skeletons... Well maybe that would make it interesting!

[CATCH AND EAT]

Hmmmmmmm...... I like this guy.

[Hogmaster]

Ahhhh.... He told me he likes you too, Bernie!

[Paddlefish]

Burt and Earl, "biting the windows." No, I wouldn't bet against them either.

And Baitfish Mortgage? How did you discover my mortgage holder?

I hope all this information won't impact negatively on that tentative deal you made me to lease your footbridge between West Linn and Clackamette.

[Hogmaster]

When I wrote that about the windows, I could vision the slobber and snot left behind.

The truck rental joint must have just loved cleaning up the cab.

And I wonder how much stuffing came out of the upholstery from the chewing?

[fishbait]

Somebody has way too much time on their hands.

[Hogmaster]

Well...

Notice the time stamp when it was posted.

While Arnie adventures dance in my head
You and most others are surely in bed
It doesn't matter you know, at all
No bobber fishing for me this fall

So why sleep at all when the voices are speaking
They spill from my brain like a boat that is leaking
I try not to wither and die on the vine
I don't like to pickle and no good at brine

So writing at midnight its not just a fad
And face it my poetry - it is really bad
What else do I do, when I'm up at night?
I write Arnie stories and then I'm all right!

Besides, you're just upset Arnie didn't send you Ethel's business!

[Jaws]

Originally Posted by Hogmaster

What else do I do, when I'm up at night?

Hate to think what You do when You turn out the light!

[CATCH AND EAT]

What I want to know is if Arnie Will be doing a week cheap cigarette review and which cigarette goes best with what cheap beer.

[Hogmaster]

If you would take me up on the offer to go fishing with him, you might find out!

[jokester]

I love it

-jokester

[OldTrout]

Originally Posted by jokester

I love it

-jokester

Arnie for President, 2012!!!! I'm signing up for Arnie's Army!!!!!

[OldTrout]

Originally Posted by OldTrout

Arnie for President, 2012!!!! I'm signing up for Arnie's Army!!!!!

On second thought....those dogs of his would probably bite all the diplomats. Contest over.

[Hogmaster]

Oooooh boy...

In a classic case of "life following art", look at what was announced today:

(From MSNBC)

U.S. launches new mortgage aid program

...

"To qualify, borrowers would have to be at least three months behind on their home loans, and would need to owe 90 percent or more than the home is currently worth."

"Borrowers would get help in several ways: The interest rate would be reduced so that borrowers would not pay more than 38 percent of their income on housing expenses. Another option is for loans to be extended from 30 years to 40 years, and for some of the principal amount to be deferred interest-free."

The rest of the story is here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27660450

I can see it now. Arnie and the "life expectancy mortgage" - available at the time of birth. Keep those payments low!