My Mother

[GraphiteZen]

I have posted on other threads about my mother fighting cancer. It started 9 years ago when she gathered my sister and I together for some "very important news". We both thought that it was a bad update on an aunt who was fighting brain cancer (who has since passed) but when we sat down and she just grabbed us both by the hand and simply said "I have breast cancer"... your life changes immediately. There really is no way to describe it.. I remember my sister gasping "Mom!?!?!" and I looked at my father and he was just staring off blankly with watery and bloodshot eyes... I was 18. It's odd how you know you need to be with a person, but know two other people need to be alone and you feel you have to vacate the area to deal with the information, but you don't want to... I drove and drove all night.
Since then it has been an up and down battle for her, and no matter the time I spend talking about it, writing about it or thinking about it, it's just flat impossible for me to understand let alone convey how strong my mother has been through tjhe whole ordeal, how positive she has been and how much strength she has found in herself to be cheery and smile no matter the pain she was in and no matter the devastation she must have been dealing with in her own mind knowing her life was coming to an end.
On Mothers Day, and for the first time throughout the whole gauntlet it was expressed to me that this holiday will probably be her last.
The first thing I think of is all those conversations that you regret never having... all those things that are so hard to bring up in a discussion because by doing so, in a way, you express to that person that you feel their end is very close... and that is something you NEVER do to a person fighting a disease like this, it is something no person ever wants to accept. How in the world do you cross that line? I'm sure that she knows that I know shes knows all those little things but how do I really know without bringing them up... And what if it never takes place... Every day I see her either wincing and gritting her teeth when the spasms of pain come, or falling asleep for 10 seconds at a time and then waking back up because of all the pain meds she is on, all while trying to have a conversation... How in the world do you talk about all those little things you appreciated?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tydSHv9ak8E

[dixiefisher]

Zen,
This is a hard read....and I imagine even harder to you to talk about it or even write it down. I am sorry for your family's trouble...and the only thought that comes to mind about your question is that sometimes there are no words for those feelings. Maybe this comes from living in a house with all girls....but, there are times when words aren't needed. Just spending time together now is the important thing. Your mom knows!....

[BalouSC]

I don't have any advice but I will pray for your mother, you and your family. I can't imagine what you are all going through. Life without my family scares me to death. I tell them I love them everyday if I can. It still doesn't feel like enough. Balou

[Keeper]

I once was just a daughter but have spent the last 21 years as a Mom too.

I wasn't raised to hug and kiss hello or goodbye. Feelings weren't a topic for discussion. My Dad suffered a heart attack 15 years ago and we almost lost him. An article I read talked about losing someone without sharing your feelings and I didn't want that to happen. I went to visit my parents and they were stunned when I hugged them both and said "I love you" before I left. Now, I do it every single visit. Yes, I know my parents love me but it still feels good to hear them say it

I know it isn't easy but take the time to talk to your Mom. Tell her how great she is. Tell her how loved she is. Tell her she is appreciated. Tell her how proud of her you are. If you can't say it out loud then write it down. My son has written a couple of wonderful letters that I keep and read when I feel down.

For you and your family.

[StickFish]

All I can say is - say them now. I still remember March 3rd 1981, I can't say that I have always remembered that day, I was 17. Our family had been dealing with my Mother's cancer (lung) for several years all in the midst of my parents getting a divorce. The one thing I remember the most was she not having the strength to climb the stairs to the front door - I remember carrying her up each on of those 47 stairs to the front door. There are things I wish I had said, questions I wish I'd asked.

Ask her lots of questions, believe me there will be a day when you have kids of your own (maybe you already do I don't know), when the little ones will ask questions about your mom. I know my kids have and do ask questions all the time. She being a child, a student, a parent, her convictions and wisdom. Write her a song and play it for her - tell her what it means

Don't forget your Dad. Mine was sad at her passing, but their love for each other had long passed. I have no idea what he may be going through but he may need lots of help. Maybe a day on the river fishing, you probably won't get much fishing done, but I think you get the idea.

For yourself all I can say is be a rock for your Mom, but don't forget about yourself and managing your own emotions in the days to come.

My families prayers to you and yours in the days and weeks to come

[Pescadote]

Wow, so sorry to hear about your mom. I was 22 when I got the same news from my mom. My mom lived for 2 and 1/2 more years and it's beyond words to describe how it is to see someone you love so much suffer. It was the first experience for my family to experience something like that, and I regret to say we didn't talk about it like we should; we avoided it. I have regrets to this day that I didn't spend more time with her talking to her and telling her how much she meant to me.

Fast forward 18 years and we get the same news about my dad. This time, I think my family learned and experienced it differently. We talked about it; we cried together; we told him how much we loved him and how much we were going to miss him. We dealt with it instead of avoiding it. We talked about our faith and the belief that we would meet again someday in heaven.

So, sorry to talk about myself in this because this is a post about YOUR mom. Just to tell you though, don't avoid talking about death. Don't avoid telling her how much you love her and will miss her. My brother and I spent time with dad early on in his diagnosis just to straighten out some unresolved issues. Man am I glad we did that.

for you man. It's a dark and difficult road to walk down.

[jokester]

Originally Posted by BalouSC

I don't have any advice but I will pray for your mother, you and your family. I can't imagine what you are all going through. Life without my family scares me to death. I tell them I love them everyday if I can. It still doesn't feel like enough. Balou

Couldn't have said it better

-jokester