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Old 02-15-2008, 05:32 PM   #1
yankemnbankem
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Default What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Ha, me of all people asking this question. Ok, I have a 9 yr old daughter who is even more stubborn then myself. Today, I get one of those calls from the school. She doesnt want to sit in the assigned seat the teacher has for her. The principal asked us to come and pick her up and then arrange a meeting to speak with them about what to do if it happens again. I said there is only a few minutes left of school and I would like for her to get on the bus. I told my daughter over the phone that if she would say sorry to the Principal for wasting his time and to the teacher that I would give her a big hug when she got home and we could start all over again on monday. So, she says ok and I hang up. 15 minutes later the Principal calls again......she is out wandering the halls again just before she has to get on the bus. He is upset that I think a meeting would be a waste of time. Her excuse this time was that some boys were giving her a bad time. Here is my question. My daughter is so stubborn that if she doesnt want to do something she absolutely will not do it. We've done just about everything to persuade her to let it go but nope! she wont budge. Have any suggestions. Keep in mind, I have seven children total so I am not new to the child phase thing.

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Old 02-15-2008, 05:41 PM   #2
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

How about getting to the seat of the problem, a couple swats might get her attention. Discipline is not negotiable.
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Old 02-15-2008, 06:52 PM   #3
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Where does she fall in the pack of seven kids? Maybe she needs some one-on-one time with Mom or Dad. If she gets positive attention, maybe she wouldn't need the negative kind.
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Old 02-15-2008, 06:56 PM   #4
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hahahahaha.....Whew.....ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.....

Welcome to parenthood.... 9, is only the beginning......
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Old 02-15-2008, 07:15 PM   #5
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

"I told my daughter over the phone that if she would say sorry to the Principal for wasting his time and to the teacher that I would give her a big hug when she got home"

You're opening yourself up to this by posting the question...

Constant positive re-enforcment is not a cure all for behavior problems. We have to remember that being a parent and being a best friend are not always the same thing. I am a big fan of postive re-enforcment up to a point...after that then the word discipline needs to enter the picture and be carried out. Your daughter is disrespecting adults at school and you. She feels she can get away with what she is doing because the worse case scenerio is that she just won't get her hug.

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Old 02-15-2008, 07:30 PM   #6
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

My daughter was struggling a little at school with some behavior problems, I warned her that I would go sit with her at school if her behavior did not change. Well, you should have seen her face the day I showed up. Of coarse I had made arrangements with the school and they embraced the idea. It only took once. She did not seem too embarrassed at the time, nor was it disruptive of the class, in fact all the children seemed to pay more attention to the teacher.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:04 PM   #7
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Children want to know there limits. You need to show her that this is over the limit. I would tell her that since she won't sit in the chair assigned in school, she will not sit in any chair at home for the weekend, not to eat, watch TV, not playing games, no sitting period, she would stand the entire weekend. From the time she gets up she would stand. If she shows the same disrespect again at school, tell her you will join her at school as said previuosly.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:15 PM   #8
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Maybe she has problems with the student assigned to the seat next to her. or, with her physical proximity to the teacher .


Perhaps she is uncomfortable with the Juxtaposition of personalities in the seating chart.

0.) ask her what the issue is with the seating?
#1. Then ask her what you can do to help.

Then do it.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:15 PM   #9
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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Originally Posted by Yamhillbilly View Post
How about getting to the seat of the problem, a couple swats might get her attention. Discipline is not negotiable.
Yep if either of my two boys pulled a stunt like that I would tan their britches and they know it.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:25 PM   #10
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I'd threaten adoption. You have 7 kids already.


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Old 02-15-2008, 08:49 PM   #11
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I have a 6-year old girl, so I'm reallllllly interested in this thread. I won't make it thru the teen years
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:06 PM   #12
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I don't know enough to be sure but I'll bet your daughter is stuborn because she knows there's no penalty for being selfish. Our dauhter has a friend that is the same way but we don't let her get away with it at our house. It's amazing how much more she respects our requests than her own parent's.

The line has to be drawn in the sand and the penalty has to be served. The leash gets shorter with every infraction until she learns that adults will be respected.


At the same time you need to be sure that it's not other kids at school harassing her. Some of the parents of other kids are clueless to the trouble their kids cause. We have neighbors down the street where the boy, at age 9, was always harassing our daughter (different daughter). She was taller than him and had great grades and I think hewas jealous of her accomplisments. He used every oportunity to call her names, punch her in jest, etc. I told my daughter to tell him to stop. When he didn't I went down and talked to his parents. I made sure to let them know that my daughter was capable of being the instigator. They had a talk with him and he stopped his actions and actually started being nice to her. Communication is where you start.
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:10 PM   #13
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Quote:
Originally Posted by yankemnbankem View Post
Ha, me of all people asking this question. Ok, I have a 9 yr old daughter who is even more stubborn then myself. Today, I get one of those calls from the school. She doesnt want to sit in the assigned seat the teacher has for her. The principal asked us to come and pick her up and then arrange a meeting to speak with them about what to do if it happens again. I said there is only a few minutes left of school and I would like for her to get on the bus. I told my daughter over the phone that if she would say sorry to the Principal for wasting his time and to the teacher that I would give her a big hug when she got home and we could start all over again on monday. So, she says ok and I hang up. 15 minutes later the Principal calls again......she is out wandering the halls again just before she has to get on the bus. He is upset that I think a meeting would be a waste of time. Her excuse this time was that some boys were giving her a bad time. Here is my question. My daughter is so stubborn that if she doesnt want to do something she absolutely will not do it. We've done just about everything to persuade her to let it go but nope! she wont budge. Have any suggestions. Keep in mind, I have seven children total so I am not new to the child phase thing.


Sounds to me, if you go look in a mirror you might just find the problem.
DAB
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:21 PM   #14
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Found this book which seems highly recommended...heck I might even buy it. Likely to give more information than can be given in a post. Good Luck!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits.../dp/0761521364
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:26 PM   #15
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Raised two kids..single mom. Did not spare the rod. They NEVER had a problem at school because I told them the same thing my folks told me...you get in trouble in school, you get in MORE trouble at home. Listen to these wise folks who advocate discipline...they are absolutely right on!!! You are the parent...you have only one shot to teach them respect and words only go so far. Do your child a favor and discipline them...hard to believe but they are happier kids.
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Old 02-15-2008, 10:49 PM   #16
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I'd sit down and have a talk with her. There is likely a compelling reason why she is doing this. Maybe it won't seem compelling enough for you, but it's apparently something compelling enough for her and that's what counts in her world.

She's only 9, but she's a (somewhat) rational person who has feelings. She might be acting out right now because there is something seriously bothering her. Sit down with her and talk to her and see what happens.
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:16 PM   #17
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Sounds like she is 9 going on 16. I like the idea of spend the day or two with her in school. I bet she will know if she has a problem again Dad will be there and it will not be the slight bit fun rp
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:27 PM   #18
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I do believe that I would paddle her canoe.
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:40 PM   #19
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Easy there, Jack. There's still 20 minutes left in your birthday, so you're due for some paddling, too.
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Old 02-16-2008, 08:12 AM   #20
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I would call out the SWAT team
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Old 02-16-2008, 08:20 AM   #21
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Perhaps. But not until you find out why she is acting out and only then if the reason warrants it.

But truly if there are no consequences (whatever they may be) for not following the rules, there will be lots of not following the rules.
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Old 02-16-2008, 08:49 AM   #22
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Most everyone on here has a good idea at what to do or were to start, but it is your daughter you know her better then all of us. Some kids listen better to diffrent parenting skills, my son he needs a swatting every now and then, but my daughter the emtional one you just look at her funny and she is straight as a arrow from that point on..
MY wife did home daycare and we had this WILD child he was sooooooooooooo out of control he was kicked out of 3 daycares and 2 schools, So when he came to our house we layed down the rules ,my wife was haven a very hard time with him so I went into work earlly and and came home earlly to help her out, and let me tell you, me and this boy went rounds (not litrallly) but I stuck by my guns and he ended up being a really good kid for us. His parents would see how he acted at our house and they would say "oh I wish he was this good at home".
To this day (my wife does not do daycare anymore) when we see this familey in town the little boy runs up and gives me a big ol hug, and tells me he misses me and wants to come over......
The point of my long story I guess is you have to find what works best for every kid...

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Old 02-16-2008, 09:43 AM   #23
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Hard love for daughters! We told ours, do drugs, get out. Get pregnant, get out. Guess what they graduated High school, did not do drugs and did not get pregnant. They are now in their 20s and they are on their own and they know how to take care of themselves.
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Old 02-16-2008, 10:51 AM   #24
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Every child and every circumstance is different. That is why, in my opinion, the last place I would ask for this type of advice is on a fishing forum filled with folks that don't know the family, the daughter, the school, the teacher, the Principal, etc. etc. etc.......

For some kids a swat will do the trick. For some kids, a swat will make the issues worse, believe me, I learned this the hard way.

Good luck. It is hard work being a good parent.
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Old 02-16-2008, 11:21 AM   #25
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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Good luck. It is hard work being a good parent.
Amen to that.
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Old 02-16-2008, 12:26 PM   #26
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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... in my opinion, the last place I would ask for this type of advice is on a fishing forum...
Amen, my brother!

I suppose I am one of few on this board that has a degree in Child Psychology and would be one of the 1st to say 'ignore a fisherman's opion about diciplining your child'... HOWEVER, taking advice from a group of people with similar lifestyles that have, over the course of many years, expressed their opinions and viewpoints on subjects from death to taxes... even what brand of wrences they prefer to use when fixing a wheel on a bicycle... you get to know more about how they problem solve than you would during a couple of interview sessions with a counselor.

Children NEED boundries. ALL humans NEED boundries. They confort us, and thus, we seek them out. Your child, my child, want boundries. Some children set their own... others need them set for them. Some can have these boundries set verbally and some need them set physically. Parents that are unable (or refuse) to set boundries (in either case) are just deferring the job to the public institutions and legal authorities... and they are not historically good at raising children. Therefore, seeking out help and ideas on how to accomplish this is a great place to start.

I do not know you or your family. Taking advice from me based solely on this reply would be risky at best. But, I do know ONE thing about parenting (and managing people in general) that is about as universal at it gets:

DO NOT DISCUSS (ARGUE) DICIPLINE TACTICS IN FRONT OF THE CHILD. If parent #1 says (or does) one thing to dicipline the child.... parent #2 should NEVER contradict it in front of the child. Parent #2 should agree (or say/do nothing) and very shortly after, discuss the disagreement about the method in PRIVATE. Come to an agreement about the dicipline. If parent #2 convinces parent #1 to their opinion... they both parents should re-address the child with their decission as a UNIFIED couple. Nothing confuses a child and undermines boundries as a child that knows in their heart there are 2 different sets of boundries (depending upon which parent they talk to) ALWAYS be unified in your dicipline.

The same goes true for the school and parent unity... You NEED to have a meeting with the school. They were begging you to join their opinion on the dicipline tactic and you (in fromt of the child) argued with their decission... and the results became worse (or at least, continued). Your child needs to know that what the school says/does and what you would say or do ARE THE SAME. Your daughter is being told by the authorities (teacher/principle) that she was bad and here is what IS going to happen because of it... Unfortunately she knew all along that you would step up to her rescue and be the softie. You need to convince the school that your method is the one to use or you need to do what they ask when they are at their end of ther rope. You child is getting mixed messages and that is not good.
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Old 02-16-2008, 12:27 PM   #27
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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My daughter was struggling a little at school with some behavior problems, I warned her that I would go sit with her at school if her behavior did not change. Well, you should have seen her face the day I showed up. Of coarse I had made arrangements with the school and they embraced the idea. It only took once. She did not seem too embarrassed at the time, nor was it disruptive of the class, in fact all the children seemed to pay more attention to the teacher.

my mom did this twice to me, at the time i thought she was crazy. but i did straighten up. that was about 17 years ago, i graduated, have no criminal record. i think it works
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Old 02-16-2008, 05:40 PM   #28
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Good luck there Troy. We have none.

SEVEN !!!????!!

Dude, I thought the days of super big families were behind us.

Don't kow what to tell ya...

But think of what our / your parents would have done with you?

jz
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Old 02-16-2008, 07:10 PM   #29
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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Amen, my brother!
By gosh, you restore my faith and confidence in child psychologists. I raised my kids during the Dr. Spock days...I'm so glad I figured out early on he was full of it. We had a bunch of messed up kids during that era. I'm guessing those kids are now parents and are struggling themselves. You are so right about the boundary thing. Among my kids' friends, I was known as the strictest mom...but they respected me and loved to come to our house. I wasn't their buddy...I was there to set an example and set rules..but we had fun too. Took them fishing, skiing, made sure they participated in any school/sports activities they were interested in. Talked to them alot about peer pressure and what it would NOT get them in the long run, etc. I guess they listened.
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Old 02-16-2008, 07:33 PM   #30
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Don't make promoses you can't keep or threats you can't back up.
Or as my Dad said when he was running construction crews during the day and coaching Little League baseball evenings and weekends, 'Treat the kids like adults and the adults like kids.'.
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Old 02-16-2008, 08:53 PM   #31
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I have 3 step kids who are spoiled rotten. They were very disrepectful when I married into the family.
When they ditched school for 3 days and snuck out to a rave party(studying at freinds house), The SWAT team was deployed immediately, much to the dislike of my wife, her parents and family.
Trying to understand a 9-18 yr old child's feelings and reason with them, is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
They have to understand their are rules, boundaries and strong discipline for violating them, otherwise they will press the test button continuously without fear of you or any authority.
My step-kids do their chores, have not missed a day of school, all have B or better grades. They are almost reliable. They have their moments, but they are soooo much easier to deal with.
My wife and her parents still don't grasp the discipline angle but they can't argue the results.
Don't offer a "positive" like a hug, for bad behavior. Try to find any underlying problems, without revealing impending discipline.
Discipline has to be BAD, not horrible, just enough for them to not like it.
We use loss of electronics, loss of sleep overs, and loss of cellphone, or cellphone being pounded flat.
I have not called out the SWAT team in 2 yrs.
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Old 02-17-2008, 02:40 AM   #32
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9 yrs old and she's stubborn! WOW!! After tonight man I would trade my 9yr old for yours in a heartbeat!!! Mine decided for who knows what reason that she would try swallowing a quarter yesterday around 3pm. Well, that quarter is going to probably cost us several thousand more than likely(talk about inflation!!!!). Stubborness I can deal with any day. Eating inanimate objects just because they're there, no clue man!! OH, and I have 6 children total with the 9 yr old number 3!! My guess is that her 11 yr old sister let her in on what she did around her age. She got a rock stuck in her nose. So the 9yr old had to top it I guess. Heck, that's all I can do with this is guess! Guess and pay the bills!
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Old 02-17-2008, 03:49 AM   #33
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

9? Heck, the real stubborness/defiance/hyper-emotional-outbursts/general-insanity doesn't start for another 2-3 years yet!!!

I'll spare my 2-cents on the nuts and bolts of discipline but I'll say this much, - none of the advice here means squat if you and your wife aren't completely on the same page (at least as far as the kids know). Rule numero uno in parenting is: UNITED YOU STAND, - DIVIDED YOU FALL!!!

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Old 02-17-2008, 07:00 AM   #34
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Amen.
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Old 02-17-2008, 07:01 AM   #35
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That was an AMEN to the "UNITED WE STAND, -DIVIDED WE FALL" as far as the parents are concerned.
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Old 02-17-2008, 07:02 AM   #36
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

yankemnbankem,

I went through this when i was a kid. I did it to get attention from my parents. Being the middle child of 6 siblings it was the only way I really got attention from my parents. Be it it was negitive attention it was attention none the less.

There have been some really good advice here. I'd sit down and talk to her. She might be going through some girl changes...if you know what i mean. My 10 year old daughter started having mood swings and you guessed it a few months later " it happened" she's now a young lady.
Hang in there and please go to the meeting at school. Her teacher and Principle really want to help. Don't take it as a knock that you're not being a good parent. Sometimes they see things that you don't. Go in with open eyes and listen and ask questions.

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Old 02-17-2008, 08:26 AM   #37
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Man....I have no children. The part where she says "Some boys were giving her a hard time" would have my hackles up. I've seen and read too many horror stories of what boys in THESE times do to girls, not that girls are completely inocent. She might be too embarased to say that some punks have been grabbing her, or making lewd comments, and now the teacher expects her to sit near them. Make sure that "Boys giving her a hard time" is not the case before all the punishment comments are heeded.

Eagleclaw might be onto something also, can't imagine what misery follows a girl turning into a woman, at a younger age than her classmates.

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Old 02-17-2008, 08:36 AM   #38
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Along with the above advice, may I suggest that if this is generally different behavior, that she get a good checkup from her doctor. Just to rule out anything physical. Nine is the beginning of "those years" that can make parents crazy, but don't just assume it is all in her head.
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Old 02-17-2008, 03:08 PM   #39
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Ya know, guys...while its all well and fine to check into her health thing, but I gotta tell ya...she can't use that for an excuse when she's an adult. Mood swings can't be helped but she better learn how to minimize her reaction to her mood swings. I think the "bar is set too low" for kids nowadays and thus we have to deal with the "me" generation(s). Your job, dad and mom, is to prepare her for being a self-sufficient, self-confident young lady with integrity and NOT self-absorbed. At just what age are you going to start teaching that when you are a parent (not the parents' age...lol)? We all want our children to grow up happy and well-adjusted. They don't learn that on their own..that's why they have parents! Discipline with love...but set the limits and stand your ground. Nothing I hate more than whining kids except whining adults and I worked with lots of those. Talk is good too...never hurts...but don't let her lead you down the primrose path! We parents don't understand just how smart these kids are. Okay...nuf said (when you get my age, it'll be a little more clear to you...it is to me) Best to you in your parenting "adventure"...lol
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Old 02-17-2008, 03:41 PM   #40
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I'm not talking about normal hormonal changes. Bad things don't usually happen to children, but every once in a while it does. Rule that out and you'll have a place to start.
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Old 02-17-2008, 04:04 PM   #41
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

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Originally Posted by STGRule View Post
I'm not talking about normal hormonal changes. Bad things don't usually happen to children, but every once in a while it does. Rule that out and you'll have a place to start.
Can't dispute that..good point!
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Old 02-17-2008, 04:11 PM   #42
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

My cousin has an 8 yr. old, and she keeps saying that 8 is the new 12. This generation of kids seems to be maturing faster physically and socially, though not necessarily emotionally.
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Old 02-17-2008, 05:22 PM   #43
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Cool Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Be patient and firm in your resolve to make her behave correctly in school ...
having a sit down with the principal , teacher(s) , and your daughter and yourself might shed some light on the problem ...
Good Luck ... Barney
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Old 02-17-2008, 05:34 PM   #44
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Hey, thanks for the replys. Glad to see Im not the only one who beats their children...... LOL. As for asking for advise on a fishing blog.......If my child burned down the neighbors house you can bet I wouldnt be asking for help on this site nor any computer for that matter. I have 3 other children that have been thru this portion of their lives and each one has been different. True about the teenage years being crisis.
Now, the root of the problem was, the teacher switched seating positions on her student over last week and my daughter got put next to the class clown. She didnt like him bothering her but didnt inform the teacher appropriatly and got sent out for bad behavior. I guess a kid cant defend his or herself anymore in school.. My bad for this, as I teach my kids to whop em if someone is pestering them. I did ground my daughter from having a friend over this weekend though. I also informed her how much money and time she wasted for having to stop the teacher from teaching and the principal from governing, and dad from making her vacation money. This didnt warrant a whippin.
Dang it is pretty tough being a parent but could you imagine getting old and not having any grand kids or kids to feed you and change your diapers?
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:16 PM   #45
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Troy, threaten to take away the things that matter most to her.
Freedom, games, toys, whatever she likes and needs most. Bottom line is she HAS to obey you, and the teachers or authority figures, or face the wrath!
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Old 02-18-2008, 11:07 PM   #46
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

I have a 7 year old son who's role model must be Dennis the Menace. Swats and regular punishments had little effect on him. One day, he was sent home from school for causing problems. I sent him to the back yard and made him spend the (hot) afternoon moving rocks (big ones) from one pile to another. He was very agreeable for months after that. He has been getting wound up at school again so I let him know that he would be working as a volunteer Dog-Poop-Technician for the entire neighborhood if he gets sent home again. Needless to say, he has been an angelic ever since that conversation.
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Old 02-19-2008, 08:47 AM   #47
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Default Re: What to do about a stubborn daughter?

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenbuttskunk View Post
Troy, threaten to take away the things that matter most to you.
Freedom, games, toys, whatever she likes and needs most. Bottom line is the HAS to obey you, and the teachers or authority figures, or face the wrath!

This is my answer so far. I am new to the game, but I know what worked on me. Removal of freedoms, priviledges, and toys is a pretty good motivator. I know a very stubborn little 5 year old girl who lives in my house who snaps too if I mouth the word B-I-K-E.

My parents threatened corporal punishment alot, but rarely went through with it. It frankly was not a big motivator, a swat on the behind stung for seconds. Losing your bike priviledges for a day? Not being allowed outside for a day? Not being allowed outside your room for a day? No TV for a week? Those really start to hurt.

I love the idea about moving rocks! I may institute that for some overly energetic kids. Or digging a hole. Who put this hole here?!? Fill that in! Where is my hole?!? I can see it now. Do I need to get your work gloves?!?
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