Non-Fishing (Trouble with new stepson)

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 01:37 AM

I had the pleasure of being woke up by the FBI and City of Richland police today. It seems that my new stepson thought it would be cute to phone a bomb threat into the Federal building, which houses D.O.E. and other assorted law offices. They sent home close to 150 people and shut down the US post office. All this from an 11 year old who might not turn 12 in 4 days. I know that if I would have done this when I was a kid, my dad would have beat the **** out of me. Of course, I know that I should not do that.
He is not my blood. I am at a loss as to what my course of action should be. I understand his mother took a belt to him last night. I am working graveyard and don't know if I should even see him when I get off. He was already grounded for bad mid term grades. Anybody have sage advice? [img]images/icons/confused.gif[/img]

Thumper · 10-25-2001, 02:37 AM

Steve ..... There is no sage advice when it comes to dealing with youngsters, particularly when you have just married into the family. Sorry to hear of your experience. Obviously the federales were not amused. Assuming that you are not in jail I'll be up to join you at least one night at McNary during your week off Nov. 1-8. I just gotta see this fishery!

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 03:49 AM

Jack,
Cook me a cake and put a file in it! He made the call from his fathers house. He is a real rocket scientist. He didn't think they could trace a call on a answering machine that also has caller ID. I don't think he realizes just how much trouble he is in. I got to listen while he was being questioned. He had to tell it at least 30 times until they got the whole truth out of him. The last I saw of him, he was shaking so bad it looked like he was trying to chit a peach seed. Luckily the officer is a friend of mine. We play hockey on the same team. Really don't know how to handle this situation. I was blessed with 2 daughters. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img] Looking forward to seeing you Jack. I will try to save a few fish for you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

IAMFORELK · 10-25-2001, 05:26 AM

Take him fishing and TRY to explain the values of nature and how everything must co-habitate.

MetalHead · 10-25-2001, 06:25 AM

Well Steve, as I set here laughing at the thought of you being awakened by several officers and the guys in bad suits and dark glasses it reminds me of the joys of parenthood. And of just how fortunate I am that my problem child was not that creative. Her greatest offence was speeding tickets and the night her and her boyfriend decided that it would be a good idea to smoke a little dope in her car. It was so thoughtful of her to step on her cellular phone while doing this deed and hit the auto dial button for home. I got home from work that evening to get to listen to a 10 minute message on the answering machine. In that message she yelled at him for spilling the bong in her car, losing the lighter, to turn off the dome lights cause she didnt want to get busted. The brain surgeon she dates dumped his pot in the floor while this was happening and complained loudly about it on the answering machine. Now my only advise as a father is as bad as this is now you will find some humor in it later (I'm finding it now) and maybe, just maybe this will cure him of stupidity. Be thankful that the young gentleman is not the fruit of your loins as this would be a sign that your gene pool needed a little cleaning. If you decide to kill him let me know as I have a friend at the state facility at Walla Walla that you could room with, but I must warn you they have a funny afinity for where they store the tabasco bottle.

In your second post you say you were blessed with two daughters. I assume from this statement they are still not teenagers [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] . If this is the case then your blessing will turn to a curse when they reach puberty, for some reason there appears to be a chemical reaction that causes them to search out boys that were just like you [img]images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] . This does give you the uncanny ability to read the young mans mind. You will be able to look at him and know exactly what he is thinking and what he has planned for his evening with your little girl this leads to gray facial hair and premature balding (I know this from personal expirience). You will start thinking of creative ways to dispose of bodies and fantisize of watching this young man screeming in agony and pleading for his life (the same thing fathers did when thinking about you). Let me offer one piece of useful information on the daughter subject when she brings home a boy you like do not, I repeat do NOT let her know that you like him until they announce wedding plans as she will dump him and look for a new loser you are sure to hate. Good luck [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] and remember it will get better (hard liquer helps).

AuntyM · 10-25-2001, 06:37 AM

FNF,

When your child or step child does something of this magnatude, it is so easy to over react. I had trouble like this with my son, and it just made me feel sick inside.

The good news is, he grew up to be a fine young man, who now has a 7 year old stepson giving him the same kind of grief. I just smile, and enjoy my son's discomfort. It's great. Being a grandparent is sweet revenge. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

The age of your stepson leads me to think this isn't something to worry about unless there are lots of other problems. If he seems like a fairly good kid, do the appropriate punishing, and let it go. If, on the other hand, there have been lots of other problems, time to seek therapy for him.

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 06:59 AM

Metalhead,
You brought a smile to my face. [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] As
for my daughters they are 9 and 11.
They are going to be nuns. Meaning
they will get none. I am not looking
forward to the day when I will be
doing detections, inspections and
rejections. I do not think they are
finished with the boy yet. It seems
they do not have a very good sense of
humor down at the Federal building.
The thing that bothers me so much is
that he lied. Because I was sleeping,
due to working nights, I did not hear
all the pounding on the door. The
officers sent Jake into the house to
wake me. The first thing out of his
mouth was"The FBI and the police are
here and I didn't do anything wrong!"
Something not quite right with that
statement. When confronted with the
tape recording, Jake says "Thats not
the way I said it" spoken like a true
genius. I should know more today after
the powers at be have their briefing.
The number he dialed was the head of
the Department of Energy, Security
Chief. His number is not listed
anywhere. The officer said it best
when he replied "you could not have
guessed a worse number to call than
the one you did. Talk about blind dumb
arse bad luck. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] I took tonight
off to steelhead fish for the next
three nights. FISH BEWARE! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

Grant Scheele · 10-25-2001, 07:05 AM

As I was the stepson I have some advice from his point of view.

Fear No Fish, Keep Out Of It! The more you try to play dad the more he will resent it. You have rules in your house but they MUST be enforced by his mother & father.

If my stepdad(and I liked him) so much as asked me to mow the lawn I went into a coniption. If he walked over and asked my mom to ask me to mow the lawn, I mowed the lawn.

You being his stepdad wasn't his idea but he will go along with it if you don't try to be his dad. It's tough, but at the same time you need to make yourself available if he needs a father figure. But on his terms.

Once my stepdad figured out the chain of command, our house was pretty peaceful and I only borrowed his corvette twice without his permission. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif[/img]

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 07:12 AM

Aunty M,
You're not from Minnesota are you? I
had a aunt by that name. I think this
is a defining moment for the boy. He
is a great kid. I just have to remind
myself. He is a great kid. Still
reminding myself. His latest excuse
was little Timmy was going to pound
him if he didn't make a prank call.
This kid has the gift of B.S. He
should have a great career in
Politics. Thank you for the kind
words. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

NAUTI-NOTIONS · 10-25-2001, 07:16 AM

Having three boys of my own stories like this make me very nervous,However at 11 years old the only thing i feel you could do is have a quite one on one using "let this be a lesson to you" and treat him like a young man rather than a child. after something like this its either going to go one way or the other. lets hope he learns from it.(does this mean you have an open seat for friday night? just kidding).and just hope this is the worst thing (stupid) he ever does.shouldn't you be in bed by now?

CATCH AND EAT · 10-25-2001, 07:21 AM

Calmly go out to the boat and get the fish wacker. Apply directly to the back of young mans head. Then explain what a stupid thing he did. Not only is he in trouble but you're in trouble too.

All three of my kids have tested the 911 call system in which officers have responded. Each of them got to meet the officers and get a lecture as to why not to dial 911 when there is not an emergency. They have never done that again.

Tough when its a stepson though. Can't really lay a hand on him for fear of a call to the CSD or something. I imagine that he has had the **** scared out of him and he won't be doing that again. As far as grades the cure I found was pretty cool. My daughter was in 5th grade when she thought screwing off was ok. This was a kid that was part of the TAG program. (Talanted And Gifted). She was bringing home C's and D's which are not acceptable in my house. I Grounded her severely. No phone calls from friends, No friends at a birthday party other than family, no sleep overs, no TV and a few other things to get the point accross until grades started climbing.

I also added in the threat of moving her and her brother into a private school winter term if grades did not improve. That was the big one. Grades improved and she conformed. 6th grade? Straight A's!!!!! 7th grade? not straight A's but almost. Her brother? 4 grade is a banner year for him. The light has turned on!

Different kids take different approaches. Just keep letting them know that you love them and care for them. When things start going good again, let them know you are proud of them.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Pitch Pocket · 10-25-2001, 07:24 AM

The authorities are going to give him the scare of his life. Stand behind him and support him as much as you can. You cannot condone his actions, but you can provide an 11 year old kid a shoulder. He now knows what he did was wrong. He doesn't need you to do anything but confirm it and move on. This is a great time for you to cement your relationship.

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 07:28 AM

O MYKISS,
I really haven't looked at it like
that. Before I ever asked his mom to
marry me, he and I had a lot of talks.
He fishes with me a lot so we have had
many a boat conversation. I haven't
got on him as a father would. Trouble
is, his own father has a few chemical
dependencies. Jake has gotten to see
him at his worst, too many times. I
don't know what to say to him as his
whole life has just been thrown into
turmoil. I will try to do the right
thing as soon as I figure out what
that is. Mom is about to have a
nervous breakdown. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] I turn to the Ifish family for counseling. Thank you!

Pilar · 10-25-2001, 07:35 AM

Fear No Fish, I believe daughters are some sort of karmic revenge for past deeds done. Ditto all of the comments about daughters. I would treasure yours while they still think of you as a hero. The older they get the dumber you get. If you think the full grown woman is confusing, try the adolescent version. Often I just listen, utterly baffled but trying real hard to just listen. Its all she wants most of the time.

I love my daughter but she is a real test of character at times. All I can do is be consistent and repeat what I am saying until she gets it. She wants to be a good kid, I think they all do.

As far as your stepson goes maybe this is enough trouble to get his attention. Hopefully his dad can get through to him soon.

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-25-2001, 07:36 AM

Man you guys,
I type slower than molasses. I can't keep up with you all. I gotta go to sleep as night fishing beckons! I feel the LOVE! I'll write more when I can see the screen again. I am doing this on a big screen tv. Must get sleep.

Tanner · 10-25-2001, 07:57 AM

FNF,
First of all O.MyKiss's advice is bad advice. I was also a step son. It is your house so this kid needs to abide by your rules. If you are the main father figure in this kid's life then you need to command the respect deserving of that.
As far as the incident goes. I think the FBI and Police will probably be pretty effective at punishing him for what he has done.

FM2 · 10-25-2001, 08:29 AM

FNF, being a parent of 2 sons and 2 daughters I would suggest allowing the young boy some space for the short term. Right now he needs your love and support to help him through probably one of the most traumatic times he has experienced. By your understanding and support he will gain confidence in you knowing if he gets in trouble he can turn to you. All kids whether blood or not want to know the boundaries and this is an important time for him knowing he stepped out of bounds. There will probably be legal ramifications that may result from his action which will have an everlasting effect on him so at this point the last thing he needs is another hammer coming down.

There should be consequences for his action from you and your wife as he resides in your home and you define the boundaries but I would suggest letting a few days go by to let the situation stablize and the initial shock subsides.

Please talk this over with your wife to determine a plan but most of all show him you love and support him. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

My family will pray for all of you.

DK · 10-25-2001, 08:46 AM

[ 10-25-2001: Message edited by: DK ]

THE REEL HEY_YALL · 10-25-2001, 09:10 AM

Fear No Fish - this is my specialty considering both, my father and mother, have each been married (and divorced) 3 times each so I've had my fill on step-parents from both sides of the coin.

What Grant said in his post is pretty much right on the money. My mother's second husband (allen) I absolutely worshipped from the second time I got to meet him all the way up to the divorce. I was a year younger than your son at this time. The reason I liked him so much was the fact that he cared more about being my friend, first, then becoming the father figure. He also had children of his own that stayed at his ex-wife's or went to college, etc.

Now brings stepdad #3 into the picture, whom also had children of his own, who lived with his ex-wife, and one was a "problem-child." He couldn't really punish his real son because he didn't live with him, so when one of we 3 boys messed up, he would try and punish us like he would have done his real son because of frustration. Of course this **** doesn't fly too well with me when he tried to "punish" my brothers physically. I'm sorry, but I'm a believer that that's the father's job. So after beating him down pretty badly one night, I made sure that would never happen again.

I know kids. I've helped many and I've been there for many more. Tanner makes a good point, but if you go that route, I PROMISE it will drive a wedge into your marriage because your wife will be torn between both men she loves deeply. I promise there will not be a winner.

Be a friend and a mentor to the boy. Do all the things a normal dad would do for his own kids, but go that "extra" mile. Maybe explain to your own daughters in private that you do not love them any less because you may do more things with this child, etc.

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but counseling may be a good thing, but don't just go yep we'll send the kid to a shrink. ********, shrinks blow a kid's mind. Family counseling. You may get to see sides of him (and your own daughters) that you never got to see before because communications weren't mediated.

My mom slipped up in this area, but I'm bright enough to learn from my mistakes, but that does not mean I will not make new ones. So keep that in mind. I've given the madre a headache a time or two, but I guarantee if you can make it through this and these other tests, you will truly be a blessed man with a blessed marriage and blessed family.

Vinny · 10-25-2001, 04:16 PM

FNF,
Sounds like time for all parents involved to seriously "reel the kid in" and lock him into a schedule, (homework first, then corrected by parent, chores, restitution, and that sort of thing). Set firm boundaries, (kids need and want that), it helps them to feel "safe." Although they'll rebel against restrictions, feeling safe is a big, big, thing. I don't know if this is the case, but too much freedom is not good for kids. Talk with him about "impulse control." It relates to the 911 types of calls (we know about that one!).
I have an 11 year old boy, his mom & I are divorced, shared parenting (50/50 time and expenses). All parents involved have to be on the same page, (follow through with eachothers discipline, etc.), and communicate on almost a daily basis.

If you make it a priority, you will figure out the formula which will work for your family.
Good Luck.

[ 10-25-2001: Message edited by: Vinny ]

Grant Scheele · 10-25-2001, 04:50 PM

Geesh Hey-Yall, just when you have me convince you really are a redneck. I think that you are really correct with your assessment.

I wasn't going to say anything to Tanner as he can have his opinion but Hey-Yall, you are right. If you want to be the boss of your house you can, but you will end up loosing the respect of your stepkid and at the very least never have a great relationship with him. You put it better than me but you are right about being his friend before his father figure. Let the real parent take care of business as best they can and be there to support both.

Fear No Fish, our prayers are with you and your family.

bigshark · 10-25-2001, 09:05 PM

FNF
By the time you read this you will have gotten some shut-eye and feel a little better. I have no answers for your problem, but I would feel better in making a couple of comments. First, I'd suggest you take the new wife aside and tell her the two of you are a team...forever, no matter what. She needs support here as much as anyone. Second,
I'd tell the stepson that we are all in trouble here and we will stand together in support of one another. Tell him your there to help him in anyway you can. Don't baby him, but don't make him feel that you are not going to help all you can to get out of this mess. This might be a break for you and him to form a strong bond. Try to find a way
to make something positive out of this.

Our thoughts will be with you.

FEAR NO FISH! · 10-26-2001, 04:22 AM

In short, let me thank you all for
taking the time to give me your
thoughts.
CATCH AND EAT, SJP, PILAR, TANNER,
FM2, THE REEL HEY YALL, VINNY BIG
SHARK,AUNT M, THUMPER, IamForElk,
METALHEAD, OMYkISS AND BUMPERCHROME.
Where else could I get such
diversified advice. You all have
impressed me bigtime. I have been able
to get advice from just about every
angle. You couldn't pay somebody
enough to get this wise of counsel. I
am truly stunned. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
Jake had to go back to the Police station tonight for another 4 hours of grilling. It seems the two boys stories were not jiving. When it was all said and done, Jake finally stepped up to the plate and admitted he was the guilty party. That is a step in the right direction. Jake will not be allowed to play hockey this season. That in itself is a real bummer. School will be his only priority. He has a long way to go in regaining any privileges. He still is going to have to deal with the outcome of this investigation. All of us will.

[ 10-26-2001: Message edited by: FEAR NO FISH! ]

rainycity · 10-26-2001, 05:33 AM

I have a idea,
hint: It`s called a woodshed..

Grant Scheele · 10-26-2001, 07:07 AM

Your just brilliant raincity [img]images/icons/mad.gif[/img]

THE REEL HEY_YALL · 10-26-2001, 08:02 AM

Granted hockey is probably really important to him and taking that away from him would be a start to great punishment in many's eyes, but what if you took everything else away from him but something that is constructive for a youngster like Team Sports.

I remember the ages between 11-14 pretty much set the pecking order for the starting squad in high school, or gave the coaches and kids a pretty good idea about who's going to be good when they mature physically, etc.

Still your call and everyone will respect it because of what you and were wife have had to go through. I've done some heinous stuff as a kid, but not that bad [img]images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] ..lol j/k and I'm very thankful football was not taken away from me.

Plus it was pretty good punishment because all my friends would be making plans, and it would get me excited to go, but I knew I was grounded and there was no way I could participate with my peers. That was sweet punishment. You parents can be sneaky sometimes [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

Then again, a woodshed works too...LOL j/k
Ah the ol' woodshed days. [img]images/icons/cool.gif[/img]

hoochie · 10-26-2001, 08:32 AM

Bigshark hit it right on the button!

You and your wife are a TEAM and you are all a FAMILY.
Keep it that way, play that way, work that way.

It takes a LOOONG time for a step-Dad and step-son to develop a good relationship. It will NOT happen in a short time.

He's probably confused about who to turn to and who he can trust especially if his father has some chemical dependencies. Make sure he can depend on you to not judge or betray him.

I know this is all hard to do.
I, too raised a stepson who I had many disagreements with but he always could come to me for advice and he calls me DAD! He's just a few credits away from a Journalism degree at Arizona State and I'm Proud!

MetalHead · 10-26-2001, 08:41 AM

FNF good luck buddy I really hope this works out for you. I know with everything thats transpired in the last couple months the government is'nt taking this type of thing lightly. As for the boy just be there for him because he really needs a friend right now that is wise beyond his years. Let Mom and Dad figure out the punishment and handle the enforcement of it. Explain to him that you will support his Mom's decision but that you are there for him. And I gotta agree with Hey Ya'll on the team sports thing, now is the time in his life when you are developing his confidence and self worth. Team sports will help with both of these as well as giving him a place to release some energy. The woodshed never worked for me, well thats not exactly true, it started to work after my dad figured out that it was better to have me split the wood than to bust my ***. I must have split 25 cords of wood between 13 and 18, and I'm pretty handy with a splitting maul to this day.
Were here for you I hope it all works out.
Roy

Pitch Pocket · 10-26-2001, 09:02 AM

Have to agree with Hey_Yall about the team sports. It is an excellent outlet for the energy and spare time that got him in this predicament in the first place.

As a long time baseball and basketball coach, I've seen parents keep their kid from playing for disiplinary reasons only to never have him play again. Not only do you hurt him, you hurt the team. I guarantee he won't have a phone in his hands and time to use it if he is at practice or games.

To permanently remove your kid from the group for a short term disiplinary action may send him down a path you don't expect or desire. As much as you would like to see it, they don't give enough homework to an 11 year old to fill his time. He will eventually find something to fill it with (let your imagination fill in that blank). Don't give him a good excuse to abandon opportunities to participate in wholesome rewarding activities.

Encourage and promote the good things he does. IMHO hockey has to be one of them.

Where do I send my bill? [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

sinker · 10-26-2001, 01:08 PM

Wow I'm glad I didn't marry someone who had kids already!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]
If something disastrous were to happen here at home and I was once again a bachelor I'd be staying single to avoid conflicts like this.
I had a step-dad, I ran that guy through the wringer.
I was never a problem child pulling pranks like this but I knew lots of kids at school that were and by judging from their history. This is just the beginning. Hang on tight.

fish_on · 10-26-2001, 03:37 PM

FNF,
If one of the officers is your freind, work out a deal for them to scare the bjeasus out of him. Let them take him to the cooler for a weekend, and see what jail is like. Have him sit in court and see how the system works and how much trouble he could really get into. At his age is will stick with him, and next time he screws up maybe it will be as minor as spilled bong water.

sinker · 10-26-2001, 09:10 PM

Now that is a very good idea right there. I love watching those talk shows where they put the kids in jail with the adults overnight and seeing them crying back to momma.
One thing I have noticed about those shows, not one of them has a father present. hhhhmmmm, makes ya think.

ol tuna skipper · 10-26-2001, 09:51 PM

Fear No Fish - Tough spot for the kid and you. I am still a stepson and get along pretty well with my stepdad. We had our rough spots. I finally gained a ton of respect for him when I became a step farter. I would have say let the kid suffer the civil consequences. (excuse me,typo, father, kids call me that so much I'm saying it now) Anyway, I'll bet he doesn't make another prank call. If he does, then you know you have trouble. It is important that you show your disapproval of his action but don't become the heavy. He isn't even at the rebelious age yet. Wait till he hits high school.

Even my six year old gets me so mad at times I see red. Then he told me he was helping me by throwing my tools down the well. I busted out laughing, remebering my little brother doing the exact same thing at the same age. They were just filling a hole.

Hearing Pilar explain teenage girls had me rolling also. I can just see his face as he sits and listens. I have a 17 year old step daughter and a 15 year old daughter. You are right on the money Pilar.

So Fear no Fish, this is the beginning of a wonderful opportunity to relive your youth through this kid. Have a little fun with him.
Don't take life to seriously. That has been my one downfall in raising my four kids. I always take myself to seriously. If I can laugh about it, it's a heck of a lot better. No matter how bad it gets.

I've heard a lot of older folks say they regretted not having and raising children, I have NEVER heard a PARENT say they regretted it.

Good luck with the family. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

FM2 · 10-26-2001, 09:53 PM

FNF, You are doing the right thing now! Unfortunately you and your wife are in a position to make some tough decisions. God created life and if it was easy there would not be evil and sin.

Stick to your program as you know your step-son better than anyone else here. This is really a great place to real life advice and this is meaningful, but the bottom line is you and your wife have to make the ultimate decisions. I hope you have the right guidance or at least seek what you need. Please understand your step-sons "mis-intentions" and show him all of you and your wifes support.

May God have mercy on your family.