help needed with kids

[nobrownline]

My twin daughters are now 14 and last night they invited their boyfriends over to watch a movie. The question is how did you guys, that have been through this, deal with it? I'm having trouble accepting this whole thing. I look at their pics on the wall and I still see them at 7 yrs old. I am struggleing not to get up and throw the boys out by their collars. I know what teenage boys want. I was there before. Help I honestly sat and watched the movie and worked on my shotgun.

[Tide Change]

Originally Posted by nobrownline

Help I honestly sat and watched the movie and worked on my shotgun.

Did you do it at the kitchen table where they can see you?

Sorry to hear your woes. You're going to have twice the fun that I'm having right now. I hear they get through it eventually....

[johndeeregreen]

Letting your daughters date at 14 "imo" is a problem. They are still children and dating is not a good idea. They are welcome to like boys and that is natural.

But look on the bright side At least they are boys they want to have over. These days we are in are strange.

[wthr4d]

Mine are 12 and 14 and have known for years that dating IS NOT allowed until they are 16. for social events, boy cant outnumber the girls and "hanging out" is not allowed. there is nothing more dangerous than bored teenagers.

Paul

[ORhunter]

Whoever said having kids was fun either didn't have kids or is sick in the head. See your druggist.......

[Lepper]

While my girl is only 2.5 old, Dating is not allowed until she is 26.

[Super Fluke]

Have them fill this application out, Pearl just posted not to long ago:

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT__________ WEIGHT___________ IQ_________ GPA____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________________
HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ _________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain___________________________________________ _
__________________________________________________ _________________
__________________________________________________ _________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ____________
__________________________________________________ ____________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ____________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ____________
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ____________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ________________________________
__________________________________________________ _________________
__________________________________________________ _________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ____________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[nobrownline]

They dont go out but my wife thinks its ok for boys to come over when we are home.

[JustSteve]

I don't envy you in the least. My daughter is only 22 months old but I feel fortunate that she has a twin brother, and another brother who is currently 4. At least I'll have a couple of enforcers working for me.

Seriously though..in my own twisted weird mind, I would feel grateful (I think) that the kids are at my house. Again, I am not in your shoes, so it's tough to know, but there is a voice in my head that says it's a good compromise. The girls like boys, they want to talk to boys. If you stand firmly opposed, the girls will hate you. I know, it's not the parents job to be their best friend, but I don't think being a complete roadblock is productive when a compromise can be reached. You get to keep an eye on the kids, you get a chance to talk to them as an adult, find out about them, let them know you are involved in their lives and want to make sure everyone stays safe and knows the rules. Everyone is greated with expectations and no surprises. Sure beats the heck out of them sneaking out at night, making up lies to stay late after school, or otherwise being sneaky to fullfill their desire to make friends of the opposite sex. I'm sure it's scary, I'm scared and I got another 12-14 years to go still before I am in your shoes. However, compromise, concern, care...find a balance.

If the boys know that you are not some overbearing Czar, but rather someone approachable, they may not be so inclined to avoid you but rather become an enjoyable house visitor...maybe even a fishing buddy, you never know.



steve

[STGRule]

They dont go out but my wife thinks its ok for boys to come over when we are home.

And this is a perfect way to handle it. Fourteen is too young to date, but everybody hanging at your house keeps them safer. Besides, the last place you want your daughters to learn how to interact with the male species is out alone someplace. Whether they are 16 or 26. Let them figure it out at home with you right there. Don't throw them out into the dating world without some idea of what to expect and how to handle it whenever you decide they are old enough.

[yankemnbankem]

Ive got 5 daughters and the oldest is 13....... Oh Woa is me! But, My 13 yr old is really responsible with herself and I cant really see her dating anyone until later. Now a few of my other daughters that may hopefully not be a different story. I feel if you show them the right love and direction they will somehow steer themselves in the correct direction, but when it all goes murphys way, well, you ve done your best.

[Just_learning]

As long as they are under your supervision, what is the problem?

Heck, make valentines day a lot easier and just pop the question that they make the boys dinner at your house and you and your wife and them can all have a fun meal.

[Grantspastor]

It's tough. I tried to raise my daughters by the "30-30" rule (date and drive at age 30) That didn't work. I agree that 14 is young. The best you can do is to instill in them the values that will carry them through life. Talk to them about your concerns. Be real. It will be a bit awkward, but believe it or not, they will appreciate it...even if the initial reaction doesn't communicate that

[CATCH AND EAT]

No dating until 16 period. Had to go over this with my son just this past weekend. He wanted to meet this gal he had asked to the winter formal at the bowling alley. He had a reason to see her which was a permission slip from her father, vice principle to attend his formal at DD since she attends centenial. I walked in with him and watched bowling for 15 minutes then motioned it was time to go. He could not understand the zero tollerance since his birthday is first part of march. "The rules are the rules and we expect you to obey them".

Having boys over to watch a movie may seem harmless enough but unless a parent is in the room things do happen. 14 is just to young. If you are going to have the boys over again I suggest you invite yourself to watch the movie too. Teenage years are too fragile and hormones are working overtime.

[STGRule]

Help I honestly sat and watched the movie and worked on my shotgun.

He did watch the movie. He was right where he needed to be.

[Threemuch]

My personal opinion is that letting them into your house is way better than forbidding it and having them go elsewhere.

I remember what I did when my parents said I was too young to do something...I hid it and did it anyway.

Saying no dating sounds good, but unless you know (and believe) exactly what they are doing 24/7, you aren't in control. And if you have trust, why is dating an issue?

I would rather meet the boys the girls are hanging around with than not. Make it clear to your girls and them what is acceptable and what isn't. 14 is too young to have a "boyfriend" but friends that are boys? Sorry, you can't stop that.

Be glad they brought them to your house. It's likely that they aren't up to no good, or they would not have brought them there.

[CATCH AND EAT]

Originally Posted by STGRule

He did watch the movie. He was right where he needed to be.

Did'nt see that part.

Kurt, I'd rather meet these guys and know a little about them and show interest in them than to ban them from my home. I would also prefer that children under 16 not have boy/girl friends but being realistic that is pretty tough to really have total control over.

[Splash]

I generally don't go near threads such as this but here goes.

Listen to the wife. She has a unique perspective that us guys will never understand.

[wthr4d]

We focus on the three P's with my girls.

Purpose- the purpose of dating is to learn the attributes of the opposite gender that you prefer. dating is a time where they learn to be friends and identify the qualities they want in a SPOUSE.

Practice- this time in their lives is where they get to practice being responsible without most of the dire consequences. They are held responsible but their privileges are limited to protect them from the truly dangerous choices.

Patience- both us and them need to have patience. there is no rush for them to get where their hormones are telling them to go and we know that, there is no need for us to lock them in closets and surround the door with land mines. they will make wrong choices but if we instilled the values in them correctly, they will know when they made a wrong choice and why.

You would rather they have their male friends over at your house with your supervision and rules than who knows where else.


Paul

[reeldick]

Always better to have your daughters and their friends at your house than out somewhere you have no control. I would rather have a gang of kids watching my TV and eating my food than have daughters out where I can't see what they are doing.

Feel lucky they think enough of you to invite their friends over to your house.

[crittergitter]

Well for myself, I had to realise thatby the time they were that old, they weren't listening to me much anymore. Or so I thought. They didn't really start dating other than having friends over, until they were older. But I learned that they really had been listening to dad when my oldest sent one kid packing when he decided to get a little to friendly. She told me about it, and you know what I don't think I was ever more proud of that kid for the way she handled herself.
You havev to trust that your kids have listened in the past and that the lessons you've been able to teach them to this point have gotten in.Once they've gotten to the teen years they become products of mtv and there friends, it seems. Unfortunatly, they are going to do what they want to one way or another, it's really up to them, unless you can send them to a convent or something. Hopefully the lines of communication are still open.
And if that don't work then at least make sure you put the fear of dad into the boys right fom the start, lol.

[Joe C]

tough situation. Even with "no dating till 16 rules" kids that age are still going to consider themselves as having a "boyfriend/girlfriend" even if it's only seeing each other at school, smooching behind the cafeteria at lunch time, etc. I like the idea of having them spend time when the parents are around. They're gonna want to see each other, and that way they get it out of their system in plain sight, rather than making up lies just to have some private time.

[gottafish]

I think I got lucky for the first time at 14.. ./........SWeet. LOL It'll be fine Ive had three grow up on me. just wait till ya gotta walk your baby down the isle. for her wedding. I cried like a baby

[nobrownline]

Thanks so much guys. I needed to hear that others have been there before. I am just having trouble letting them grow up I guess. You all calmed my nerves thanks alot.

[Fish'n'Chips]

She is my only daughter and I'm not afraid to go back to prison

[pdxkevin]

I heard this once before and it sure is starting to sound better and better the older my girls get....

I just need to kill the first one and the word will get around.

[Jacks or Better]

My wife and I used the line over and over "I don't care what rules they do or don't have in their house, this is our house and we do it this way." Just make sure the boundaries are well defined ahead of time - kids will always try and find out where your limits are if you haven't established them. Remember, you're the one with the brain cells that work - at 14 a lot of kids are "passing brain stones".

[Queeg]

Originally Posted by nobrownline

Help I honestly sat and watched the movie and worked on my shotgun.

You handled it perfectly! It's great that they're in your house! My daughter's first boyfriend episode helped me down the road to a major depressive breakdown, seriously.

Mine is going on 17 ... you should maybe get on some meds ahead of time!

[SlimeyLimey]

So…I have twin daughters that are 15, and I feel your dilemma daily. For my wife and I, we continue to TALK about “what boys want” EVERY chance we get. We try not to make it a nag, but do look for opportunities to keep this subject at the front of our conversations. The first time I sat them down and brought it up, the blushing and hiding of faces was really quite cute, but it did not deter me from pursuing the point then and whenever I see a chance to talk about it again!

The fact of the matter is…choices will be made by our daughters and we can only provide positive input about the impacts of those choices. As much as we might want to make those decisions, in the end that would be no good, as life must be lived by each individual to the best of their abilities.

Keep talking and keep the lines of communication open!

S

[Irish Pennant]

If the boys don't like to hunt and fish then you need to have a talk with your daughters. If they are very enthusiastic about hunting and fishing then things aren't all that bad.

I have 3 boys and I'm glad that some of you guys are decent enough to have daughters.

[Mypursuit]

All 3 of my daughters, now 35, 25 & 20 laugh among themselves about the time Dad told them;

"I don't care what any man says he wants in a relationship, if he is between 14 and 40, there is really only ONE thing he wants!" (They try to figure out when and how many times Dad "gave you the speech.")

On the other hand with my son, now age 24, all I could offer was;

"Remember every one of those girls you're chasing has at least one dad and many have brothers like you. How would you want your sisters to be treated?"

[Splash]

If we don't let kids grow up how are we to have grandchildren?

[fishbait]

Your on the right track Dad.............

I have 21, 17 & 14 girls, all great.

Let the boys come over. 14 is a tough time and both kids will appreciate some safe space to get comfortable with who they are and what they are feeling.

I also have cleaned some guns and seem to always have a gun magizine sitting out when the boys come over.

1. Lights on, no exceptions

2. No blankets or throws

3. Mom and Dan, (in socks) need to pop in now and then, stick around and trust your instincts.

4. Set a time limit. Couple of hours max.

5. 6 kids is a good number 2 is not so good and 4 is fine. 8 Ok, but not much larger (assuming couples)

have some soda and junk food for them.

Also, kids need to know rules up front and then enforce them. You will only need to ask a boy to immediately leave to get the attention of all the ones that follow.

YOU WANT this to happen at your home, not her girlfriends. And remeber, if youv'e done a pretty good job up to know things will mostly be OK with this new part of her life. Be there, accept little mistakes and move forward.

Buy some rolaids............ big jar.

Peace

[whtelk]

You cant stop it. I have 2 girls, 1 is 24 the other 21.

[EvilD]

14 is young, however my first girlfriend's dad took me quail hunting when I was 16, even after we broke up we still talked until I moved to college. The fact of the matter is 14 is young but these things happen sooner or later. If you try and be too overbearing there is a chance of creating resentment, something that takes years to overcome.

Trials and tribulations,

D

[1pump]

I have a 15 y/o stepdaughter. She does a lot of babysitting, which is an excellent contraceptive.

My dad raised 3 girls before me, and I honestly don't know how he survived it. I'm sure that the tuition for girls-only Catholic schools bought him some peace of mind.

My own two are boys, thank God.

[Greg516]

haha that application is great...

Im 16 right now and told my sister who is 14 that if she has a bf who i dont like no matter how big or bad he is... Imma whoop his @rse

she said what every teenage girl says:
"WHATEVER!"

[Silver Hilton]

I have a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. We have been very open with our daughter about dating. Last year, she and I were driving somewhere, and she popped up with, "Dad, what is your and Mom's position on me dating?"

After I swerved back into my lane, I stammered that, while Mom and I would have to talk, my impression was that at her age, generally boys and girls started doing things in groups, and I didn't think she was ready for 1 on 1 dating yet.

Now, a year later, she still hasn't done much on that front. I can see it coming, though. We've had the "Men are all Pigs" chat. I anticipate having a chat with any young man that takes her out as well, where I might just walk him past the gun case and reminisce a bit about my years in prison...

And finally, we bought a box of condoms, and told her where they're at. Her mother and I weren't virgins when we left high school, it's statistically likely that she won't be, either. That's a hard pill to swallow, but that is what -really- protecting your kid is about, IMHO. It doesn't do any good to pretend it isn't going to happen.

[Super Fluke]

Originally Posted by Silver Hilton

I have a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. We have been very open with our daughter about dating. Last year, she and I were driving somewhere, and she popped up with, "Dad, what is your and Mom's position on me dating?"

After I swerved back into my lane, I stammered that, while Mom and I would have to talk, my impression was that at her age, generally boys and girls started doing things in groups, and I didn't think she was ready for 1 on 1 dating yet.

Now, a year later, she still hasn't done much on that front. I can see it coming, though. We've had the "Men are all Pigs" chat. I anticipate having a chat with any young man that takes her out as well, where I might just walk him past the gun case and reminisce a bit about my years in prison...

And finally, we bought a box of condoms, and told her where they're at. Her mother and I weren't virgins when we left high school, it's statistically likely that she won't be, either. That's a hard pill to swallow, but that is what -really- protecting your kid is about, IMHO. It doesn't do any good to pretend it isn't going to happen.

I think that's the best way to go about it

[Ryan Pultz]

Originally Posted by gottafish

I think I got lucky for the first time at 14.. ./........SWeet. LOL It'll be fine Ive had three grow up on me. just wait till ya gotta walk your baby down the isle. for her wedding. I cried like a baby

hahahaha


Just Remeber big guns keep hands from roming!

as for when it would be ok as I have a boy it will be 16 and if he has any little girlfriends over it will be supervised till the day he gets married! rp

[Fast Water]

Current societal and family values make 14 too young.

Mother Nature has always dictated otherwise. Hence the struggle during the teen years between parent and child in that respect.

My Grandmother married at age 15. Back in the day and that was just fine in the region she grew up in (PNW).

Liberal to conservative. Parents will make the rules that seem right for their families. I wish you luck. I have a 13 y/o daughter and though boys are still on the icky list, I can see the tide changing and it wont be long before I'm faced with the same situation.

It is not unnatural for the dominant male to chase off "intruders".

It is nature's way.

[Maverick Maxcat]

I've got two daughters, 6 & 7, so I'm qualified to pass this bit of wisdom on.

"Daughters are God's punishment of Dad's, for all the things they did when they were young"

Kinda rings a bell, don't it?

[SPAZZ]

Originally Posted by Maverick Maxcat

I've got two daughters, 6 & 7, so I'm qualified to pass this bit of wisdom on.

"Daughters are God's punishment of Dad's, for all the things they did when they were young"

Kinda rings a bell, don't it?

amen brother

[lilfisher]

Educate!! When they try to educate themselves is when they get in trouble. LIL

[dolphinmarty]

Originally Posted by Mypursuit

All 3 of my daughters, now 35, 25 & 20 laugh among themselves about the time Dad told them;

"I don't care what any man says he wants in a relationship, if he is between 14 and 40, there is really only ONE thing he wants!" (They try to figure out when and how many times Dad "gave you the speech.")

On the other hand with my son, now age 24, all I could offer was;

"Remember every one of those girls you're chasing has at least one dad and many have brothers like you. How would you want your sisters to be treated?"

Unfortunately my nine year old daughter is the oldest with 3 younger brothers. This is good advice for the boys, I'm gonna have to remember this. My thought was always convent for the puberty years, but realistically I think like most that keeping her in sight as much as possible is the best way to go. Besides it's really just like hunting, keep the doe in sight and you'll be able to keep the crosshairs on the buck.

[Uglygreen]

Anyone worried about this should read the book 'Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters' by Dr. Meg Meeker.

A great book about these very issues with a lot of useful suggestions.

- Brad

[Uglygreen]

Very Cool, preview it free on Google books here.

- Brad

[MsOutdrs]

You guys don't sell yourselves short...from what I have read (and I didn't read ALL the posts), you know of what you speak.

I will tell you something that I wish my dad would have told me when I was at THAT age...and that was what I SHOULD expect from a boy...demand being treated with respect and what all that encompasses. If you guys keep open communication with your daughters, and they feel comfortable with you...everyone will be fine, I think. My daughter's father didn't have much to do with the kids and he wasn't there for her in her teenaged years and I couldn't fill the bill, no matter how hard I tried. It had such an adverse affect on her even in her adulthood.