Joke..... non fish related

[CATCH AND EAT]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?...... Placement of the Dirt Bag. Ha ha ha ha... he he he.

No offence Harley owners. Just thought it was pretty funny. I guess I should take this one to Jokes.com.

[Hoosier Daddy]

Excellent. We need some levity.

Here's one too.
BOE - Being an engineer, you might get a kick out of it, but probably not.

There was a group of Statisticians and a group of Engineers riding together on a train to a joint meeting. All the engineers had individual tickets, but the statisticians only had one between them. Being curious by nature, the engineers asked how they thought they would get away with such a small sample of tickets when the conductor came through. The statisticians said, "Easy. We have methods for dealing with that."
Later, when the conductor came to punch tickets, all the statisticians slipped into the bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door, one of them slipped the ticket under the door, fooling the layman conductor.
After the meetings were over, the two groups were again on the same train. Quick to catch on, the engineers had purchased only one ticket between them. However, the statisticians had purchased NO tickets. Confused, the engineers asked "We understand how you did it the first time, but how can you get away with NO tickets?" "Easy", they replied, "We have different methods for dealing with that situation."
When the conductor came around, all the Engineers slipped into the bathroom, and all the statisticians went into the other bathroom. Shortly, the head statistician snuck over to the engineer's bathroom and knocked authoritatively on the door. As instructed, the engineers slipped their one ticket under the door. The statistician took their ticket back to the bathroom with him. Of course, the engineers were discovered and publicly humiliated.
Moral of the story: Do not use statistical methods unluess you understand the principals behind them.

Boring (from a statistics book), but still humorous. IF you aren't an engineer. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

[WaterDog]

Hmmmm, BOE is an engineer??? He tell ya that? A junior engineer maybe......very junior! Those CEM's think they can do anything! [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] :P

Good joke Chnookie.

[FEAR NO FISH!]

Moses,Jesus and an old guy, go golfing. Moses tees off and splash, right into the lake goes his ball. So Moses parts the lake and is able to chip up onto the green. Jesus tees off and splash, right into the lake goes his ball. Jesus walks onto the water and is able to chip right next to the hole. The old guy tees off and his ball is headed into the lake but at the last second a fish jumps up and grabs his ball. Suddenly out of the sky swoops an Eagle. The Eagle grabs the fish and starts to fly away. Well the ball drops out of the fishes mouth and bounces onto the green and rolls into the cup. Jesus slaps the old guy on the back and says nice shot Dad! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

[Brokenrod]

What does a Harley & a hound dog have in common?....
They both like to ride in the back of a truck

[CAGEY]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.Bob, the owner had just about had enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

"He wanted something for his cough but i couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Laxatives wont cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. he's afraid to cough.

[Grant Scheele]

I heard that RT used to run 5 miles a day but he found a shortcut. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[ol tuna skipper]

Four engineers are carpooling to work. one is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and one a software engineer at microsft.

The car breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "sounded like you threw a rod, we better call a tow truck." The chemical engineer says, "I think the fule line is clogged from bad gas. Lets blow out the gas filter and see if it will run." The electrical engineer says, "sounds like we lost the spark, lets check the distributor."

The software engineer was sitting quietly in the back seat when all three turned to him and said, "well what do you think." He replies" lets get out and get back in."

An elderly woman takes her hard of hearing husband to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor does his usual exam and then tell the old gentleman he will need a urine and stool sample. The old fellow asks for the doctor to repeat what he said and when the dr. does the husband still can't hear what is being said. After this had gone back and forth a few times the frustrated wife says in a very loud voice to her husband "He wants to see your underwear"
Stew

[ 08-09-2001: Message edited by: BIGSTEW ]

[Pitch Pocket]

Captain Bravado
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy
named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his
enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout
spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became
frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain
led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the
triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the
attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men
would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a
manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout
spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and
waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada
arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and
calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[Hoosier Daddy]

Three engineers are sitting in a bar talking. There is a chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer. The subject of the human body comes up. The chemical engineer says "God must be a chemical engineer, because just look at the chemical reactions that occur in the body, and how well it all works together". The mechanical engineer says "No, God is a mechanical engineer, just look at how the muscles work, and the bone structure". The civil engineer says "Nope, God's a civil engineer". "Why do you say that?", the other two ask. "Because only a civil engineer would put the waste treatment center right next to the amusement park".

[Grits]

Whats the best thing about being a teacher?

June, July and August!

[Hoosier Daddy]

FNF, I love that joke.

[Gizmo Man]

STOCK REPORT::::
>
>
> We just received this from our broker. Do you hold any of the following stocks?
>
>
> Dear Stockholders:

> We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:
> American Can Co
> Interstate Water Co.
> National Gas Co.
> Northern Tissue Co.
>
> Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise > you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water,
and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern
Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
>
> Yours truly,
> P. Moore & Phil Moore Potts


C U at the Vanc. Roll call tonight..

The Giz.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[RichH]

Since this seems to have something of an engineer thread....

An engineer is sitting in the park one day when one of his engineer buddies rides up on a brand new bike.
Engineer 1:"Wow man, thats a great bike. Where did you get it?"
Engineer 2::"Well, last week I was sitting here in the park when this beautiful women comes riding up on this bike, parks it in front of me and takes off her clothes and says"take what you want"
Engineer 1:"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Hoosier Daddy]

Oooh, bicycles reminds me of a good one!!

There are two ministers in a small town, and they get together every week in the park to ride their bicycles. One week, one of the ministers comes to the park on foot. So the other one asks "Brother, where is your bicycle?". The other replies "Brother, you aren't going to believe this, but I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle.". "Well," says the minister, "Here's how you get that bicycle back. This weekend in church, you go over the ten commandments. Give them real fire and brimstone. And when you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', really bear down on it. Whoever stole it, will get to feeling bad and bring it back.". The other minister says, "I will try that". Next week, they meet again, and the minister rides up on his bicycle. "Ahhh," says the minister, "I see you got your bicycle back.". "Yep", says the other one. "Well, did you do the commandments thing?", "Yes, I did.", "And afterwards whoever stole it felt guilty and brought it back?". "Well brother, it wasn't exactly like that.", "Well what do you mean", "Well, I was talking about the commandments, and the congregation was just enthralled, and I was bearing down on 'Thou shalt not steal', but when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

Badump-bum

[4Salt]

Subject: Drug names
Tylenol: Acetaminophen. Aleve: Naproxen. Advil: Ibuprofen, and so on.

Today the FDA, after considering generic names for Viagra, announced that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were:

Mycoxafloppin:
Mydixadrupin:
Mydixarizin:
Alimpdixafixit [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]

[Tanner]

It was so cold in Chicago last winter, they found lawyers with their hands in their own pockets. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

[Tanner]

Anyone know how many PETA members it takes to roof a house?

One if you slice him thin enough.

[Tanner]

Here is one for Phish On.

How many people from Eugene does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10. One to do it and nine others to tell you how they did it back in the sixties.

[Hoosier Daddy]

Ooooh. Here's another good one.

Seems there are people who think they can change other peoples views on highly polarized, highly political, issues.

hahahahahhahha
ahahhahahahah
ahahahhahahhaha

ahem, ha. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]

[Tanner]

The difference between a pocupine and a boat in an Oregon City hogline.

The porcupine has ****** on the outside.

[Tanner]

Do you know why Portland does not have an NFL team.


because then Seattle would want one too.

[Hoosier Daddy]

oooooh, nice one!!

[CATCH AND EAT]

So this brunette, redhead, and blonde are captured for spying in El Salvador. They are found guilty and sentenced to death by firing squad.

The brunette is brought out first and is made to stand in front of a post. The commander gives the order "ready,... aim,..." just then the brunette shouts "EARTH QUAKE!!!!!!!!!!". Everyone runs for cover and she runs off into the woods and escapes.

The redhead sees this and thinks AH Hah! So they lead the redhead up to the post. "Ready,... aim,..." then she shouts "Tornado!!!!!!!" They all run for cover and she escapes to the woods.

The blonde thinks, "I've got it" as she is lead to face the firing squad. "Ready,... Aim,..." And she then shouts "FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CATCH AND EAT]

Ok, ok, here's another Harley related joke I heard this morning.

What do a dog and a Harley have in common?.... Both of them get to ride in the back of the pickup. Yuk yuk yuk!!!!

[Hoosier Daddy]

Yeah, I heard that one too. [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]
(Look at about the fifth post) D'OH!!

[ 08-09-2001: Message edited by: chnookie ]

[DK]

tanner, people use to say that about the mariners,

[Fish Hunter]

Thought for the Day...
When I was younger I hated going to weddings it seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Uncle Bob]

Hey there Catch and Eat...
I got this thing figured it - beter late then never. oh well

Rocky is going to check out his spot on the Columbia R. I'll have a report for you on Monday evening. rh.

[Point-of-Sale Clerk]

A cardiologist died and, at his funeral, his coffin was placed in
front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after
everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside,
and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started
laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
The guy asked, "What's so funny about that?"
The man replied, "I'm a gynecologist

[GBSkunk]

Seems that a Beaver was driving south from Corvallis at the same time a Duck was
driving north from Eugene and they happened to meet head-on in a horrible
crash on I-5. Miraculously, both climbed out of the steaming wreckage...their
bodies intact. They examined the twisted metal and realized that they were
truly lucky to be alive. The Beever said, "This must be a sign from God that we
should end the bitter rivalry that we have had since the beginning of time."
The Duck agreed...he went to his trunk and pulled out an unbroken bottle of
whiskey. "This is truly remarkable," he said, "God must want us to toast our
new-found friendship." He twisted the cap off and handed the bottle to the beever,
who took several big swigs, wiped his chin and handed the bottle back.
The Duck replaced the cap, and without a word, put the bottle back into his
trunk. "Aren't you going to celebrate our luck?" asked the beever. Nah, I thing
I'll just wait for the troopers to get here"

[AllThumz]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise.

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Huntar]

Pfizer is coming out with a liquid form of Viagra, it will be sold under the name "Mydixadrill".
Soon you can come home from work, and pour yourself a stiff one!

Story from a lady and her friends from an evening a Chip N Dales:

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt
cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way
things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his
butt cheeks again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the
guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy dancer was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning, then I reached
for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it
down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

[Jennie@ifish]

I was hoping that this thread would just go away, but it hasn't....
It's closed.
Sorry, guys... this is a fishing board.
There are tons of sites on the web for jokes.
Just don't have the bandwidth.
Jen