Be careful of Tasers for Self Protection...Very Funny

[Archer1000]

Read only when uncontrollable laughter will not cause significant
impact.


ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket

Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol

& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion

was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a

little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What I came

across was a 100,000-vo lt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.... WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed

the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,

that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or

a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to

explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face

; of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with

this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be

all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie

looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I

was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target. I must admit I thought about

zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,

if I was going to give this thing to my wife to

protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wro ng?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank

top with my reading glasses perched delicately on

the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

taser in another. The directions said that a

one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be

wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;

pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a

batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on

with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't

do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all

that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second

burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs

to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

(&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through

the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then

body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in

the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere

to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body

in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The

cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I

had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly

thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"

yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST

when you zap yourself!!!

&nb sp; You will not let go of that thing until it

is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative.


That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later

(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),

collected my wits (what little I had left),

sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot

up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a

significant reward for their safe return.

[DAB]

I wonder how it would work on my foreman.:a pplause:
DAB

[julezilla]

Man, it's a bad day when you can't find your boys. Dang funny, though.

[fishkisser]

You talk about a shocking experience.....

[Trick]

[STGRule]

The urban legend is that the guy this happened to is one of our own. It has been here for a while and the time line matches up.

[Splash]

Edit: Sorry. I thought it was the original story post but was mistaken.

[treebutcher]

[wsuweston]

So me!!!

[chrome obsession]

Well written...:laug h:

[StrikeFighter]

Darn near hurt myself laughing .........Chuckle

[Zarn]

I though I was looking at parts from the shuttle wizzing by my 88ASR....perhaps not?

Z1

[STGRule]

It was here in 2004 too. TASER.

[anglingaddict]

All from 2 ittsie bittsie AAA batteries too!!

AAAAHHHHH, the once a year or so taser story! Always good for a laugh!

[lentz]

Good one! Thanks for the laugh!! Sorry it had to be at your expense.

[1pump]

A couple months ago I was talking to a Portland cop who was wearing a tazer in a little holster. He said it was the handiest thing for getting reluctant people into the back seat of his patrol car. He said proper placement makes all the difference, with the crotch being the best spot, preferably from behind. YEEEEEEEOOOOOOW!!

[yomper]

Sounds like a Stun gun not a Taser which shoots out 2 wires /


GUNS DONT KILL BULLETS DO

[spooledagain]

well you know what they say on this site if there is no video or pictures than it is not true so what link on Youtube do we type in

[bassettmama]

I was laughing so hard that I was crying that is great writing, :grin::smile:p