Updates on Holly's Family FYI

[fishnwHim]

I am going to post some updates and thoughts from Kristina, so that those of you who travelled on the journey with them, can see how they are doing. I have printed out the Pray for Holly thread and will have it bound, then I will give it to the Bashor family in the near future. Thanks for all your prayers for this family.
Dave

[fishnwHim]

From Kristina 01/02/07:

January 2007 is here, and life is anything but "normal". We are endeavoring to begin a new "normal" in our household. Now that I have so much free time (as nearly every waking moment was spent with Holly or on Holly's needs), we will be working on better eating habits for the WHOLE family, consistent routines (homework, bedtimes, etc), and more time at home or outside of our home as a family. To be honest, I am glad the holidays are over. It was just more "things" to be done in the midst of our turmoil. I do believe that Megan and Caleb enjoyed the holidays, and that is good.

Bruce and I find we are suddenly drawn out of everyday activities by a memory, an image in our mind of our sweet Holly. Unfortunately, for all of the crisis, sickness and pain that I walked with her...a lot of my memories at this point are not pleasant ones. I find I am trying to dig through my thoughts to find happy moments with laughter, joy, even mischeivousness. We do miss her terribly, and though I can mostly talk with people about her without tears, there are moments (mostly my alone time at night) when the tears don't want to stop. I hate to spend another day without my Holly, let alone the rest of my time on earth.

Despite all of this emotional pain, I still stand firm in my belief, my understanding that Holly is now without any physical discomfort, and is filled with joy. I am so glad that her trials are over.

I pray that this will be a blessed year for each of you, and am always glad to hear from you. If however, you would like to be removed from my mailing lists, please send me a quick note. I will not be offended, as I know we are all often overwhelmed by all that we are required to do on a daily basis. Sometimes those extra emails are just another thing to do. I am grateful for the time you have been there for us!

Have a wonderful Tuesday,
Kristina

[fishnwHim]

From Kristina 01/06/07:

Hello again.

We are working our way along through our days. Caleb is doing well. Megan seems to be also, though she seems a little more tender to our loss. Bruce and I both have our moments.

Again, I wrote some last night to help me through the pent-up emotions. It really is therapy for me. Bruce felt that I should share it with you, so here is a poem and some writing that maybe some of you can use, too.

Oh, how my heart rails,
against this task so great...
to go on living strong,
while in a sorrowing state.

My little girl has left me,
and though for her 'tis rest,
to live each day with
hope and joy is such a heavy quest.

At moments I find gladness...
she's free of pain and fear.
At moments I find memories
as I wipe a mournful tear.

I refuse to say that she has died.
She has not passed away.
She has passed ON up to heaven
to laugh and run and play.

Her twinkling eyes, her happy smile,
is back upon her face.
That's how I will see her
'til by her I take my place.

To know that she is happy,
It's where my thoughts must be.
That I can do this one thing,
is this mommy's simple plea.

One day when we will join her,
what a reunion we will hold!
To again hug all my children ...
the joy cannot be told!

So, my Holly I will see you,
one day before our King,
your brother, sister and your Dad,
and then we all will sing!

The sorrow that I feel so acutely at the loss of my child is such a different pain. Words can hardly touch the depth and intensity. I will also tell you that the pain of standing helpless at her side for months on end, to top off years of different battles, was an excruciating pain that words can NEVER encompass. My grieving began many months ago. The emotional pain wore me down more than the physical exhaustion. Would I change the way I cared for her to spare any of that pain?...Absolutely not!! I only wish that my physical body could have withstood more so that I could have eased her weariness more. Do I blame God for this all, or find anger at the physicians? No. We live in a fallen world with "imperfect" results. Without the doctors she would have died year ago. Without God....our spirits would have died, too.
We were blessed to have Holly as part of our lives. Though she was "flesh of our flesh", I knew she was "on loan" to us from God to love and raise up, as He also has loaned us Megan and Caleb. And in that respect, we have been, and we are rich. What blessing they all are. We were blessed to watch Holly growing into a young woman after God's heart. As she is now in Christ's presence, I know she has become a lovely woman of God, mature in her faith and in her understanding.
While we are yet living on this earth, we will always miss Holly's presence. However, I rejoice that she has completed her task...she lived life well, despite her many battles, and now...she celebrates! We will not live life idly, nor waste away, but we will endeavor to complete our tasks until our purpose is served and God calls us home to celebrate, too!

May you each have a blessed weekend, realizing your blessings, and may you each find the strength to not stand idly, but to LIVE each moment with purpose!

Gratefully yours,
Kristina


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[SharkbaitHoHaHa]

That poem makes me think of Heaven. Where my heart belongs is with Jesus. Thank You for your peom. I wish I could have been at the Memorial but things did not work at right. With all the things going on during Christmas it has been confusing.

I would like the address I can send a card to. Thank You

God Bless you and Your kids.

[DAB]

We all need to keep Bruce, Kristina, Caleb and Megan in our prayers as they are still in need of them.
DAB

[fishnwHim]

From Kristina 01/11/07:

Hello everyone.



I haven’t written in a while, as life is pretty much the same for us these days. Megan and Caleb continue to do pretty well. I think the lack of interaction with Holly (the time she was away in the hospitals, and when she was home in her room) was a bit of preparation for them to be separated from her. They both understand what we have said…that Holly was in such torment, and now she is without pain or fear. She is in a better place, enjoying life more than we have EVER here on earth. Also, for Bruce those times of separation (I think) helped. He, of course misses our girl much. Being back at work is probably a good thing for him. I think we are all doing as well as could be expected under these circumstances. I am dealing with typical reactions to grieving ~stress headaches, broken sleep, etc. I know that we will get through this. Some days are very rough, and some are more “normal”.



On the "normal" side, the kids had the really bad cold over Christmas, and Bruce came home with a flu-bug this week (thankfully it was short-lived). We really enjoyed waking to this morning to 2-3 inches of snow. Most of that is gone now. The streets and sidewalks are pretty clear, but we are expecting temperatures in the teens tonight, so it looks to be icy in the morning.



Though there is much that I could be accomplishing everyday to get our house back in order, I find that I am not yet ready. I am still wanting to sleep lots, and don’t feel real motivated. I know…you will all tell me to give myself time. I am.



I would still like to hear from you all whenever you get a chance. I miss the interaction when it isn’t there.



Our kids do keep things moving, and their responses to life show that they are progressing. My Megan is such a little ham. She keeps me laughing all of the time. While I was giving her an amused look earlier today (as she was being silly), she looked at me and said, “Since Holly is happy now, you get to spend more time with ME!!!” (a smiling, crazed look on her face!) She is so goofy. Since we were in the van, and I knew I wouldn’t scare anyone, I responded with a horrified scream, we then commenced to laugh and laugh. I caught her off-guard with my scream. But my point is, she realizes that we can have fun together, as Holly is well, now.



I continue to see people on a regular basis that have been part of our email support, praying for us, and loving us. I cannot tell you how much those moments mean to us…when Holly was still with us, and also now since we are without her presence. We are very blessed by your love!!!!

Thank you,

Kristina

[fishnwHim]

From Kristina 01/15/07 :

Today has been a stretching day. Both Bruce and I came across numerous things to bring our Holly to mind. He....working on straightening up some of his things that have piled up over the recent months, I...boxing things in Holly's room so that we can get the carpet cleaned. Though I didn't box up everything (just things on the floor and nightstand, etc that was loose), it was tough. We were so blessed to have Holly with us for the time we did, but that is a two-edged sword when you then miss them so much.

I ran across my notebook that I wrote in on Dec 4th, just six days before she passed:

"As I sit beside my daughter's bed, I look at her beautiful, pale face...oxygen tubing slightly askew. I see so much. I see my sunny little toddler~blonde curls down her back and a twinkle in her eyes. I see her smiling, singing, dancing...brightening my life. I see her many faces of anguish~pain, nausea, fear, frustration. Her braids lay on her pillow, her bangs drape her forehead. She is beautiful beyond words. Her spirit has fought fiercely. Her heart has loved strongly. I wonder...are we at the end of this battle? It appears we are. She is declining rapidly. I want to hold her. I want to fix her. I don't want to lose her."

Then, on the 5th:

"Holly is resting. She appears more peaceful now than she has been for 3 days. I think her body is too weary for her to stay awake for long. If we are indeed nearing the end, I would prefer to see her sleeping, than being agitated. Better that she would slip away gently.
I am waiting to talk to the doctor...to hear how long we have...then to make our phone calls.
I do not know how we can tell her. I know we must tell Megan and Caleb and Grandma. I wonder if she will be able to see them and converse with them before she goes?
I keep looking to make sure she is breathing. I have been doing this for days. Now, even more.
My beautiful girl...she's going to leave me."

What a road we have traveled, and in the last moments of her time here on earth, God heard my plea for a peaceful, gentle passing. Though it was not easy for us, she was as much at ease as possible. She was home, and she was surrounded by family. We talked to her in whispers of love and we sang to her, and we waited with her until Jesus' took her home.

I went in and saw the nurses at the pediatrics unit yesterday. It was good to see them. I didn't know how I would do, but I did pretty good. I got lots of hugs and promised I would be back. I will probably look into doing some volunteering there when I am ready to get out more.

Oh,...we were blessed to have lots of food donated. One of the items was a carrot cake in a nice cake container. Our problem...there is no name on the container, and we would like to return it. Please let me know if it is yours.

Tomorrow, we hope that the kids will be able to go to school (no new snow, maybe?). I have the lovely opportunity to now begin ALL of my needed dental work. "Normal"...what is that? Maybe this is the new beginning of "normal".

I live each day with a tired spirit, but each day I am renewed by the hope that we have in Jesus, and in the FUTURE that we will behold. I hope that you are able to be renewed with hope today, also.

Your friend,
Kristina


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[fishnwHim]

Hello everyone.

Just wanted to touch base with you all.

I am asked multiple times every day how I am doing, then how our family is doing. Do words ever do justice? ... not really.

We miss Holly. I miss my daughter and my wonderful friend. She was such a precious part of my life. I do well a good share of the time, then I have my moments when I feel so lost without my girl. Bruce has had some difficult days recently. Megan and Caleb seem to have a good grip on our understanding that Holly is well and happier than ever.

All in all, we are doing as well as I believe anyone would be doing in these circumstances. We thank you for your continued prayers and support. I miss the regular contact, and wish that there was more to share with you just to have that contact.

To handle some "business":
First, I still have not heard from anyone about the cake container that we would like to return to the owner.
Secondly: Caleb's birthday is coming up on February 10th. I would love it if he could receive some greetings by mail, like Megan did. If you would like to send Caleb a card, you can send it to:
4826 Futura St. Eugene OR 97404. I will hold them until his birthday, and surprise him then.

Thank you ever so much for continuing on with us.
All our love,
Kristina

[fishnwHim]

Hello everyone.

It is Saturday the 3rd, and I am thinking that I have not emailed for a while, and it is time to say hello again.



I am becoming more acquainted with the process of grieving. Though I have first grieved the loss of my brother’s and my father’s presence, I am now grieving at an even more intimate level. Holly and I were nearly “attached at the hip”. We were together most of the time, except as she slept, and sometimes even then I was sleeping on her floor so that I could be near her as she woke.



Although I wrote this following entry last Sunday, I felt this is a better picture of this process. I do go out of the house occasionally, and I even smile and laugh, and then…there are those other moments.



Journal entry: January 29 ,2007 12:19 a.m.



Seven weeks and two hours have passed since my Holly left us to go to heaven. I go through our days with a resolve. I resolve to go on for Megan, for Caleb, and for Bruce, but it is always with a heaviness in my innermost being. I console myself that Holly is living bigger than ever, but I am plagued with such sad memories. I try to picture her, healthy and truly happy for the first time in NINE years. Still, I cannot imagine how she is living now. I once again, stand in faith…not seeing, hearing, feeling my Holly, but I stand on God’s word… knowing that she is in heaven.



Going into her room to find something last night, I sifted through her knick-knacks, her jewelry, and her keepsakes. Suddenly, I knew that I must leave her room. Later, in the privacy of my room, all alone, I cried until I gasped for air, until my eyelids were swollen. I cried selfish (and warranted) tears for myself. Though I know this is the best for Holly, I yearn for my child, my sweetheart, my buddy.



Tomorrow I will get Megan and Caleb ready and off to school (I am so glad that I have them). I will force myself to exercise. I will buy groceries, do laundry, and make dinner. I will smile and visit with family, maybe even laugh. Yet, deep down the ache in my soul will remain…as ever-present as my heartbeat. I know I will live with it. I will live BY it, as it forms who I am. I will hope and pray that it molds me into a more compassionate, giving person for those around me.



I have received a couple cards for Caleb for his 10th bday coming up on the 10th. If you were wanting to send him a birthday greeting, but needed the address again:

4826 Futura St., Eugene OR 97404. Thank you to those that have responded. It was wonderful for Megan when she got all of her cards in July, and I know that Caleb would be excited, too.



You are all so special to me (us), and have become such a part of our lives. I thank you with MUCH appreciation!!!

Kristina



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[SharkbaitHoHaHa]

I would like to know the Birth Month for Holly. I am going to make a Bracelet in remebrance of Holly. I would like to give this to her Mother after the Sportsman Show. If it's ok with her.

[fishnwHim]

Hello everyone.
It is early Monday morning and I am unable to sleep, so I thought that I would say hello again.

It is so hard to believe that it's been nine weeks since Holly left us. Sixty-three days?!!! How can that be?!

Thursday was almost surreal. At a basketball game I watched other little girls...so much like our little girl, watching at the same court just a few years ago. Though I enjoyed the game, I felt a pang in my spirit, like when you've left something important at home. This time, however, I knew deep in my soul that I wouldn't be able to hold that treasure again soon.

Friday I saw a schoolmate of Holly's...laughing and being a kid. Talking with her about a newly found photo of them both with another friend, I walked away...grieving that the photo was so long ago...of three beautiful, healthy girls.

Later that night, as 7 busy boys finally settled to sleep at Caleb's birthday party, Grandma, and Bruce gone to bed, I finished watching a movie...all alone in that quiet, dark living room that I spent so many nights and early mornings with Holly. I felt as if my heart could stop. My face and neck marked with a river of tears. I mourn the loss of her presence.

Knowing that there is a God, a heaven, and that is where Holly is does not exempt me of the grief or of the sense of loss. It does give me a hope for the future, and a knowledge that one day I will see her again.

For now, my sould has to create a new path through those familiar places in my memory, now that a precious part of my heart is in heaven.

I want to thank all of you that sent greetings to Caleb for his birthday. It really did add such a special touch to "his" day.

I would like to ask a favor of those that were in personal contact with Holly at some point. I would love to hear from you any special remembrances of Holly...whether sweet, funny, brave, or otherwise....it is another memory that we can cherish. Later, a friend of ours will be doing a video with interviews of friends and family remembering Holly. I would especially like to hear from teachers and her friends. If you are interested in being involved, I would appreciate hearing from you. Also, if any of you have photos of Holly that we may not have, I would be very happy to see those.

As always, I am so very grateful to all of you for loving and supporting us through these years. I wish that I could meet every one of you, and give you each a hug.

Consider yourselves hugged today!
Kristina

[jumperforlife]

Hi, it's Andrea. Just wanted to let you and your whole family know that I am still praying for you guys, and I think about you all and Holly every single day. I sent a prayer to Holly on March 2nd, telling her happy birthday. I hope you are all doing okay..
Sincerely, Andrea.