14 year old?

Mikeymoto · 10-02-2003, 10:09 PM

I have a 14 year old step son, been around him for almost 11 years. His dad hasn't ever been in contact with him, he lives really close by, but chooses not to see him. The problem is that we butt heads

a lot [img]graemlins/1zhelp.gif[/img] . He wants to be in charge, but at 14 life is real simple. Don't really expect any cut and dried answers, but just some reassurance that the bad times will pass sooner or later. There are 3 other kids in the house and he is really upsetting 2 of them, being in charge and all. [img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img]
Thanks,
Mike

letsfish · 10-03-2003, 06:52 AM

Ahh, the teens ...we were all there and some more of a problem than others. I don't have an answer but will pray for him and you and the rest of your family.
Has he been adequately challenged in the area of responsibility?

Grantspastor · 10-03-2003, 07:04 AM

You might try sitting down with him and asking for his help. Don't accuse and don't demand...he already knows what you're upset with him about. Just be transparent and vulnerable and tell him you need his help. It would be a revelation to him to see you open up your heart and let down your defenses. It's unfortunately "normal" for 14 yers olds to push the boundaries. it tends to pass as they get older...but will pass a lot faster through prayer...open dialogue...and just being real. It won't hurt to tell him you love him. It also would be helpful if you could make him understand the pain he's putting you through...as long as it's not expressed in a hostile way. What you didn't say in your post is whether or not he's a Christian. If not...that would be the place to start. If I can help...e-mail me. I'll pray

Dave

CATCH AND EAT · 10-03-2003, 07:37 AM

GP has an excellent response here. I have a 14 year old daughter that likes to challenge once in a while. One on one seems to work for us. Usually it is a cry for attention of some sort. What I have done with my daughter is take her out to eat or for ice cream and just let her talk about whatever she wants. Amazing how the hugs flow freely after just a few hours together and they continue for weeks, even months afterwards. She even asks me how my day was and how I'm doing. Warms the heart.

Your relationship is different I know because he is the "step son". GP said it's okay to tell him you love him. RIGHT ON DAVE!!! Gotta keep telling him that even if he brushes it off. It will sink in. He's a 14 year old trying to grow up and test his skill at life. Your job is to teach him how to live life the right way. The wrong way is too easy. Living right is a narrow road. "Gonna walk the narrow way and hold to the road with a steadfast faith...no matter what it takes" (Wayne Watson, Christian artist from one of his albums). Be the example of good not the reason for wrong.

He needs to know that you care my friend. May not be receptive at first but keep trying. "Teach them in the way of the Lord and they will come back to him". Are ya doing this? Sure would be a good time to start if your not. Is he involved in a church or church youth group? Sure would be a good time to start if he is not.

One last thing. Please don't be offended by the following question. When you introduce him to others do you introduce him as "your son" or your "Step son"? If the latter you may consider dropping the step and just keep the son part alive. He knows who he is. Make him your son not your step son.

Sorry if I seem preachy. Part of being a preachers kid I guess. Hopefully my blabbering will help somewhat and if you find help in what I had to say then great. Peace

Mikeymoto · 10-03-2003, 08:32 PM

Wow! Lots of great info, it seems that the simple basics have slipped away. Yes we are a Christian family, but there is a lot of room for improvement. I haven't really paid attention to it but most of the time he is a step-son, when I hear it now it is almost like he's less of an individual. :blush:
Spending a little more time in the good book seems like the logical choice. Maybe a trip to the book store is needed, any suggestions on authors that have a good grasp on the subject?
Thanks a lot for the replys and prayers.
Mike

DAB · 10-05-2003, 03:58 PM

Mikeymoto,
GP has good advive. I will pray for him and you
DAB

fishisabonus · 10-06-2003, 07:18 PM

Sit him down and ask him what he wants to do when he graduates from HS. Explain to him what it takes to make your mortgage payment. Explain to him what he will be able to afford working at lets say, Burger King, or Fred Meyers, or Lowes, or Napa Auto Parts. Then explain to him about health insurance and what it means when they deny your claim and what that deductible really means.

Do your homework. Do your math. Write up a worksheet of what it takes to even sustain a medyoker apartment and a 10 yr old car. Car insurance alone, will floor you. (I just found out that full coverage for my son on an 86 celica is $183 a month!!!!!!) Grrrr. He better get it cause if not..... Sorry, baby... but you may not get to go on that hunting trip AGAIN, this year... since your grades have been crap in the past and if they had not been you would get a $80 a month break!

Then take him down the road.. to the really nice houses.. you know, the ones that you wonder what they do for a living to be able to make the mortgage payment!

Give the kid a taste of the real world. He seems to think he can handle it by bossing his siblings. Tell him what it is going to be like when he hits 18 or graduates (which ever is sooner) and he is faced with supporting himself. Show him the ads for appartments and real estate. Show him the ads for the new and used cars. Call a hospital and get the $$ for a C-section vs a normal delivery. Remind him that doesn't include the prenatel doctor visits or anything else. Explain to him how many hours you have to work to purchase his new shoes and winter coat every year!

Scare the bejesus out of him with what REALTITY cost!

Don't hold back. Telephone, Utility, Water, Garbage, be creative!

Good luck!

DAB · 10-09-2003, 05:02 PM

I am still praying for your stepson and you and the rest of your family.
DAB

Mikeymoto · 10-09-2003, 08:52 PM

There has been much improvement over the last few days. Prayer does work. Thanks alot for all the thoughts and prayers. [img]graemlins/applause.gif[/img] MM

CATCH AND EAT · 10-10-2003, 07:59 AM

GOOD!! We will continue to pray for your relationship.

DAB · 10-14-2003, 03:36 PM

Yes, prayer does work, I will continue to pray.
DAB

TundraIII · 10-22-2003, 09:49 PM

Hey Mike, you've received some real good advice and information here. I have a 12yr old and a 28 month old. I married my wife when my first son was 4 yrs old. My wife has never referred to my oldest son as her "step son". We raised that kid together and have put more work and effort into his well being than his biological mother ever has or ever will. We have very strict rules for our oldest son. He has many responsibilities and we expect and demand respect from him at all times. We dont budge on punishments and we dont give in, thankfully he rarely gets in trouble. He also receives frequent hugs from both of us and rarely a day goes by when we havent told him that we love him. Good luck to you and hope everything works out.

Mikeymoto · 10-22-2003, 10:08 PM

Thanks Mike and others. Things have been going real well :smile: The prayers have been working and I really appreciate them. All of the [img]graemlins/icon_argue.gif[/img] has stopped for the time being. We are thinking of seeing a family counselor. Or at least taking some parenting classes. Thanks again. Mike
Oh ya Mike you still have the MM? Sure is a nice ride. Our NR is working out NICE!

Salmon Stryker · 10-24-2003, 07:27 AM

Mikeymoto,

Praying for you as well. One thing that has not been mentioned that may be an issue with your 14 year old is the fact that his real dad does not want to be a part of his life. That may be causing him some frustration,hurt or even anger. You never know for sure what is really bothering a 14 year old unless you can really sit down and have a heart to heart.

You might check out the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. It's an awesome book that will help you understand yourself and your son better. It's about the journey to manhood and there are several truths in the book about the heart and soul and longing's of young men.

At 14 more than anything, your son wants to know he is a man. He's looking for that affirmation from you and others and himself. He wants to know if has what it takes. You're at a place where you can play a critical role in either making him or breaking him as a young man. And the effects of how you handle this stage in life will last in his mind.

I'm not trying to scare you, and understand that all parents make mistakes and that is okay. But what an awesome opportunity and responsibility at the same time. People are praying for you.

David Johnson · 11-15-2003, 08:47 PM

You might also try www.family.org

Mikeymoto · 11-15-2003, 09:17 PM

Hey Dave thanks a lot! All the prayers have really helped. We are building a better relationship. Still has its moments, but when doesn't it when dealing with teens.
I was gonna post another similar post but continuing on this one seems like the logical place. If not I'll start a new one.
Here goes, my youngest biological daughter (almost 15 going on 25!) has decided to go live with her mother full time. Mom got tired of being a wife and a mom back in 1989, with 2 young kids she must have felt that she was missing something. So with much pain we divorced and I got our 2 daughters aged 15 months and 3 years. I was in shock,A Single DAD? How? Well God will help when you cant help yourself.
We continued on for 6 years, mom slowly took more of an active role in their lives. (I do believe that it is important for kids to know BOTH parents) About 5 years ago we agreed to shared custody, it was working pretty good, but my daughter just wanted the freedoms associated with moms house. Shes able to call the shots there a little more than I like, but when at moms it's her rules and when here its mine.
My daughter came over when we were at work and removed ALL of her stuff. I asked her why? Shes just confused and wants her space. The sad thing is shes not sure if she wants to come over and visit anymore.

Man talk about ripping your heart out. We didn't fight, I actually treated her like the favorite. She did have differences with her sister and with her step brother and step sister and lately with my wife (step mom). She wanted to be all grown up, but I cant see my baby (15) being a adult, I still see her as a precious little girl.
Please pray for us and the strength to do the right thing. I do have the tendency to act on emotion in these situations rather than on reason.

Thanks in advance,
Mike

letsfish · 11-15-2003, 11:25 PM

Mikey,
I am praying.

happybrew · 11-16-2003, 09:58 PM

Mikeymoto: Wow! Your story about your daughter is nearly identical to my wife's story. Make sure you keep in contact with her, and communicate your feelings to her, let her know how much you love her.

happybrew

Mikeymoto · 11-17-2003, 08:32 PM

So many things I dont understand about why shes doing this. I really appreciate your prayers and thoughts. I'm not sure how long to wait to hear from her before I make the first move. Want to jump right in there and make it better, but I've been told to give her a little space. So its a trying time to say the least. Thinking that I've done something to cause the distance between us, but even my wife cant figure out why shes distant from me. She figures that she will be in contact with me when she wants something. I want to be her dad not a sugar daddy. Thanks again, Mike

DAB · 11-18-2003, 04:13 PM

Mikeymoto
My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you and your daughter.
DAB

clearview2u · 11-19-2003, 06:20 AM

Oh Mikey I am sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter. I have a 15 yr. old daughter. She is giving us more challenges than we thought possible. I will keep you in my prayers(and her).
toni

WaterDog · 11-19-2003, 08:15 AM

I don't normally post in here but......

Mikey, Don't take what the daugher is doing too personally. I'm know it hurts but there comes an age when a daugher needs her Mom.

I can relate to a lot of what is being said here. We have a 15 year old (b-day is Friday) and 14 year old (b-day is in Dec.), both girls, who are step daughters to me. They live with their Dad who just got divorced from his second wife and pays no attention to them. There is little structure at their house, no one asks about school, he does not sit with them to do homework, they have to make their own dinner, the list goes on. The oldest one now has a �boyfriend� and has been asking Mom questions I�d just assume not know she�s asking about. I am glad she is asking but it scares the heck out of me. We have tried to get a read whether or not they want to live with us but they are non-committal and are scared of their Dad. He�s one of those controlling types like likes to rule by fear and intimidation. We do what we can with the limited amout of time we have them. I just hope we are making some kind of difference.

Isn�t life great.......
:smile:

[ 11-19-2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: WaterDog ]

Mikeymoto · 11-20-2003, 09:01 PM

I thought I was the only one, but I realize now that there are many trials and tribulations when it comes to teenagers, whether they are biological or not. Thanks all for the input and prayers.
Keep in touch,
Mike

DAB · 12-09-2003, 04:38 PM

MikeyMoto.
How are things on the home front? I pray that they are beter now than at the time of your orignal post. Still praying for your family.
DAB

[ 12-09-2003, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: DAB ]

Screaminreelron · 12-09-2003, 07:11 PM

I've raised 2 sons and can't add to whats been said except to quote Mark Twain:
When a boy reaches 13 you should put him in a oak barrel and seal the lid tight, when he reaches 14 make sure you plug the hole on the side of the barrell! Praying 4 u man!

Private-Aye-Fish · 12-10-2003, 09:54 AM

All one can do with a 14 year old is pray. My youngest is 14. For 13 years this kid had one of the sweetest dispositions in the world. Easy going, friendly, social, pitched in to help out, then came 14....................... errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

He grew an ATTITUDE.

I'm sure I will wear the knees out on several pairs of pants praying for this one. The funny thing is I mentioned to him that I'd been praying for him. He looked at me and said (with attitude) "I pray for you every day dad."

God is GREAT!

Keep praying.

Mikeymoto · 12-10-2003, 09:55 PM

Thanks for the continued prayers and interest. The issues between my son and me have mellowed out quite a bit. He is focusing some negative energy on his mother though, which is not good. But all in all it has really improved.
Now on to my daughter, she's been gone a month and no word from her. Really cant figure this one out. [img]graemlins/dork.gif[/img] There was no fight or anything that I could see to make her leave and dissapear. In a small way I see how the grass was greener at moms, but to sever all contact with me is really a bummer. I will continue praying on what the right thing to do is, as I do not know what that is yet. Thanks again, Mike

[ 12-10-2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Mikeymoto ]