The aftermath of my mothers death

09-07-2003, 06:44 PM

Since my mother died things have sort of gotten back to normal. However my oldest daughter Kari,aged 24, is having a hard time dealing with it. She was, by far, the closest grandchild to my mother. In fact she was the only one of my four kids who mom had anything to do with.
My mother was not a pleasant person and had been estranged from two of her three children(me included) for many years. She used my daughter to complain about me and my wife and unfortunately some of her unpleasantness rubbed off on my daughter.
Kari has had a moderate drinking problem too and now it seems like she has resumed her drinking again. I had done my best for years to help her and be there for her but since moms death it has not gone well.
She recently told my wife, her adopted mother, that she is uncomfortable calling her mom. She got this from the dislike my mother had for me and my wife and now Kari is continuing the legacy of hate and bitterness.
Maybe this is too much information to absorb so I'll just ask for prayer for Kari and all of the family during this time of difficulty.
Thanks [img]graemlins/hearton.gif[/img]

letsfish · 09-07-2003, 07:13 PM

You got it!

happybrew · 09-07-2003, 07:28 PM

My grandmother on my mom's side passed away around a year ago. I had never met her. Like your mom, she was not a pleasant person. My mom's sister had a similar response to your daughter. It's always really easy to say "sorry for your loss" when the person who died was pleasant and well-liked by everyone, but when someone who was harder to love passes away, many times old wounds get reopened, and people who were closer to them manifest behaviors that are hard to accept.

I don't have any direct experience with this, but have listened to my mom when she talks about her mom. For what it's worth, seeing as I don't have any direct experience with this, and don't know any of the particulars in your situation, and I'm fully unqualified to offer counseling advice (see my lawyer for the rest of the fine print and disclaimers

):

You can't do anything about your daughter or your mom. But you can do something about yourself. My mom was helped immensely with her own inner peace and her relationship with her sister when she was able to forgive her mom for the things she had done to her. My mom did this when grandma was dying. Sometimes forgiveness is hard, and sometimes we don't realize when we haven't really forgiven someone. Many times we mistakenly think we haven't forgiven someone when our emotions don't catch up with our decision to forgive. Sometimes that takes time. Forgiveness requires an act of the will, not an act of the emotions. Sometimes people don't forgive because their emotions don't "feel" forgiving. But if they make the decision, eventually the emotions will catch up. Sometimes people make a decision to forgive, but feel guilt because they don't "feel" forgiving. Again, eventually the emotions do catch up. It's not an easy thing. When people wound us, those wounds take time to heal, and sometimes they are opened up again. It's good that you ask for prayers for Kari. It won't be easy, but with the Lord's help healing can happen. Work on forgiving your mom (and it is work, sometimes hard work, that may only be partially completed at times), and it will help your relationship with your daughter. Don't feel guilty about anything, but work on it every day. Those things you see in your daughter that remind you of your mom may be easier on you as a result. If I'm totally off target or anything, I apologize. It's unsolicited advice from someone unqualified to give it. You have our prayers.

happybrew