Joke for the Day

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

Subject: MATH

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight.

Your Husband

--------------------

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the
brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact
that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my
love...don't wait up.

Your Wife

[Trick]

LOL!

Very good...............

[Mrdorkfish]

That is funny !

Mr.D

[Dances]

A man is giving a speach on ghostand at the en of his speach he ask's

Has anyone ever seen a ghost? the crowd was silent. Then a hand comes up from the back of the room.

Then he ask's Has anyone ever talked to a ghost? the crowd was silent then a hand comes up from the back.

He then asks Has anyone ever touched a ghost? the crowd was quite. Then a hand came up from the back.

next he asks has anyone ever had sex with a ghost? The crowd was silent then a hand comes up from the back.

The preacher yells out "YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST!!!"
An old man stands up in the and yells back "GHOST I THOUGHT YOU SAID GOAT"

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

The setting is the backwoods of Oregon, you can fill in the date. There was a young lad who just turned the ripe age of 14. We shall call him RT

Well RT's father went to his son and handed him some money. "Son, you have tended to your emus. You have fished. Now I want you to go into town and don't come back until you become 'a man'."

So RT, reluctantly takes the money and loafs into town. He goes into this house where women are all on the porch fanning themselves. He talks to the oldest woman there and shows her his money.

"RT, so this is your first time, well you will need practice because there's no telling what kind of harm you could cause. Go out back and practice on that tree, and come back in 3 days."

Well eager RT shows back up in 3 days. "I'm gonna let you 'visit' with Peggy. She's upstairs. Good Luck."

Well 5 minutes later, the woman hears this loud screaming coming from upstairs. She races upstairs, kicks the door open, and there's good ol' RT with a long stick. She yells, "What has gotten into you boy! What are you doing???!!"

RT exclaims, "Checking for bees!"

[PeterMac]

With the delay in determining the next president, Tipper Gore thought that she would take advantage of a little more campaign time. Tipper procedes to shave her private area and books an appearance on the Leno show. About half way through Jay's interview, Tipper stands up, exposes her recently primpt privates and says "read my lips, no more Bush!"

(Actually, it was Hillary's idea!!)

Note - I am a Bush Man!!!

[This message has been edited by PeterMac (edited 11-17-2000).]

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

holy crap..lmao now we are getting good

[Fish4Fun]

THE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he
got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"

[Spooled]

What do you say to the most beautiful girl in Kentucky?

Nice tooth!

[Trout,myster]

Hilary Clinton went to the great beyond (kicked the bucket, tapped the pan) and through some miracle made it to the Pearly Gates. Upon arriving, an angel met her and they began their trip through Heaven's Gate.

Hilary noticed several thousand clocks on the walls and asked what they were there for.

"Those are used to keep track of the lies that are told by everyone throughout their lives on earth" said the angel.

Hilary looked at the first clock and said "whose is that one, it hasn't moved?"

"Oh", said the angel, that one is Abraham Lincoln's".

Looking at another, Hilary asked "whose is that one, it's only moved a tiny bit?".

"Oh" , said the angel, "that one is Ben Franklin's".

Curious and looking around, Hilary asked "well where is Bill's??".

The angel replied, "Oh, Jesus has that in his office...he's using it for a ceiling fan!"

Troutmyster

[Spooled]

This is a long one but funny.
A guy walks in a bar and says "my name is Bob Jones. I know everybody and everybody knows me"
The bartender says "I'll bet you don't know Jimmy Carter"
Bob says "sure I know Jimmy Carter".
The bartender says "I'll bet you $500 you don't know Jimmy Carter".
So they fly down to Georgia and knock on Jimmy's door. Rosalynn answers and says "Hi Bob, come on in. Jimmy is in the den and would love to see you".
The bartender can't believe it, and pays Bob $500.
The next day, in the bar, Bob comes in and says "Hi, my name is Bob Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me".
The bartender says "I bet you don't know Ronald Reagan".
Bob says "sure I know Ronald Reagan, we went to school together".
The bartender says "I'll bet you $1000 you don't know Ronald Reagan".
They get on a plane for California and knock on the door at Ronald Reagan's ranch.
Nancy answers and says "hi Bob, come on in, Ron is out by the pool and would love to see you".
The bartender can't beleive it, and pays Bob $1000.
Next day Bob comes in and says. "Hi my name is Bob Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me".
The bartender says "I bet you don't know the Pope".
Bob says "Oh, I know the Pope".
The barteneder says "I'll bet you $10,000 you don't know the Pope.
Off to Rome they go. When they get to the Vatican, the Pope is preparing to speak to the masses from the balcony.
Bob tells the bartender to wait down below, and that he will go up and stand by the Pope on the balcony and waive down to him. Sceptically, the bartender waits down below.
A few minutes later, out on to the balcony comes the Pope and Bob Jones.
Bob waives to the bartender and then watches him faint. Bob rushes down the stairs to the bartender, who is just coming to. Bob asks "are you all right".
The bartender says "you told me you knew Jimmy Carter and I didn't beleive you, and you did know him. You told me you new Ronald Reagan, and I didn't beleive you, and you knew him too. But when you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the guy next to me said "hey who is that up there with Bob Jones it was just too much.

[Salmonator]

OH MY, that last one was good...

[TheRogue]

oops

[This message has been edited by TheRogue (edited 11-17-2000).]

[TheRogue]

What do golf and sex have in common??

They're the only two things you can be absolutely horrible at doing, but still have a blast doing it!!

T.R.

LOL. Love these threads. AR's need not click here .

Ten Dollar Jar

A new guy in town, 'Yall from down south, walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches thebartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"

The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you passthree tests then you get all of the money."

"What are the three tests?", 'Yall inquires.

"Pay first. Those are the rules."

We all know what 'Yall did, right? Of course, he gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar
with the other bills.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.........
First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE
thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an ****** in
her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Yall responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that........... It's impossible!

"Well, you asked, and I told you........ Those are the rules, and your
money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and 'Yall drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands,
and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all
over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

------------------
Thanks Chris. - RT

[This message has been edited by RT (edited 11-17-2000).]