Jennie et al'

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with ****," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true...but you have all the equipment..."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

[Jennie@ifish]

Good one! Now here is one back atcha!

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with
the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Hee hee.... Groannnnnnnerrrrr

[Bait O' Eggs]

A man walking down the beach carrying two lobsters is approached by the game warden who asks to see his lobster tag. The guy says they are pets and he is just out taking them for a swim. The game warden doesnt believe him. The guy says he can prove it, he will let them go for a swim and then call them back. The warden agrees and the guy puts them in the water. The warden says, now call your lobster back, The guy says what lobster?

[Jennie@ifish]

I LOVE IT!!!! That tops all!
Let me try one more....
****
A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the
store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this
guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That's $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50.
Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservior. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"

[Son of an Okie]

A fisherman pulls out his "ice drill" and starts to turn it into the ice.

All of a sudden he hears a voice, "There's no fish under the ice!"

"Humm" he says, and continues to drill.

Once again, "There's no fish under the ice!"

Strange, he says to himself, I must be hearing things and continues.

This time, a louder voice, "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The fisherman pauses, looks up and says, "Is that you God?"

The voice replies, "NO DAMNIT, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER AND THERE AIN'T NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!"

[Osprey]

A big-city, California,lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

[RW]

Jen; your second joke was a scream!!!!!! I love it. RW

[GutZ]

A State Trooper calls up the Mother of an accident victim and tells her he has some good news and some bad news for her.

"The bad news is your son has been involved in a traffic accident and is paralyized from the neck down. You will have to bath him, feed him and help him go the bathroom for the rest of his life"

The mother wails "Oh my g@d, thats horrible, whats the good news"

"I'm just kidding. He's Dead"

[Gizmo Man]

Fishing is real slow for everyone but RT. Every night ol' RT came in with a boat load of fish and everyone on the IFISH board was envivious.

RT's good friend Jennie, the local game warden, said one day after RT returns with another boat load of fish, "RT, night after night everyone goes out fishing and everyone but you comes home empty handed." " What is your scret?

Ol Rt,looking over his shoulder, to ensure that no one listening said: "Jennie, your my old friend, if you want to know my secret, you will just have to go fishin with me tonight."

Jennie, said yes to Rt's offer and showed up at the agreed time and place. RT, who was very skilled at rowing the old wooden boat rowed for an hour or so and finally dropped his anchor. Jennie looked around and could not hardly see anything. She took out her flash light and looked around the boat. She said in amazement " RT, I don't see any fishin poles, we will have to go back and get them."

RT, said to Jennie, not to worry. He then reached under an old sack and grabbed a couple of sticks of dynamite. Well you can imagine the look on game warden Jennie's face as she was telling RT that is was against the law to fish with Dynamite. RT lite the two sticks and handed one to Jennie as she was protesting and said to her "you gonna fish or read me the law"

(Note any reference to people living or dead is purely coincidential and their real identies will remain confidential.)

[This message has been edited by Gizmo Man (edited 09-28-2000).]

[Crusty]

A bad accident. Most police departments have one or two specially trained officers who deliver bad news.

Officer Brown (called silver tongue by his friends) was such a man.

Knock knock

"Yes?"

"Are you the widow Smith?"

"I'm Mrs. Smith, but I'm not a widow."

"The hell you aint"

Crusty

[NEUTRON]

It was Christmas Eve and a burglar had been casing houses watching for
families leaving to visit friends. He broke into a darkened home, proceeded
to the Christmas Tree and began selecting the most valuable new gifts for
himself.

Suddenly in the silence he heard someone say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around, didn't see anyone, and thought, "It's my conscience
sounding like my mother." So he went back to sorting through the gifts.

Once again he heard someone say, "Jesus is watching you."

He walked to the back of the room and saw a parrot in a cage. "Did you
say that?", he asked.

The parrot said, "Yes, Jesus is watching you."

"Who do you think you are?", asked the burglar.

"Rupert," said the parrot.

"What idiot would name his parrot Rupert?", asked the burglar.

"The same idiot who named his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot.

[Jennie@ifish]

Blonde Magnetism

Three blondes were sitting by the side of the river, holding fishing rods with lines in the water, when a game warden came up
behind them and tapped them on the shoulder. "Excuse me, ladies," the warden asked, "I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde. "Well, " said the warden, " if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But
officer," replied the second blonde, "we all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the
river. The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I don't know of any law against it. Take all the debris you want," the warden said and left. As soon as the warden was
out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb fish cop, " the third blonde said to the other two, "
doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

I didn't know magnets could "stick" to steel.

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

An Artic explorer is riding across the tundra on his snowmobile when all
of a sudden the snowmobile sputters and stalls. The explorer pulls out his trusty
cell phone and calls Artic Triple A (AAAA) the mechanic gets there and
lifts the hood of the stalled snowmobile and pokes around for a few minutes
then straightens up and says "Looks like you blew a seal." The explorer
vigorusly rubs his face and says "That's just frost in my beard!"

[THE REEL HEY_YALL]

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG, clip-clop, clip-clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.

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