Internet Trolls

[Jennie@ifish]

LOL.... thought this might give some a hint. :smile:

Today's writing:



Teens say mean things. They just do! Thank you, God-- that Andrew is past that stage for the most part. However, my dear sweet David is starting in a bit. Lord, help me, I was just recovering from the last round!
David is mostly sweet, and I know that deep down there is the same wonderful David that I know, but the teen uglies have hit him and it will be a while before this cocoon breaks fully open again. He's thoughtful, still, but not usually of me. I'm just his Mom. It's all about David, right now. Hey! I can relate! I've been there! I was a teen, and if memory serves me well, I was equally mean to my Mom!
I know that I just have to wait it out. Oh... it's torture. It's hurtful. It's sad. It's ugly, ugly, ugly! I know that there will come an end to it, and by golly, I'm going to make it there!
His last comment to me, when I was attempting to explain and appreciate all that he had, and all that I had done for him, was, "Oh yeah, Mom. Just what do you do for me? Troll forums on ifish?"
Sigh. Yeah, I troll forums.
So, it's been a joke, since then. Every time he grabs for a box of cereal at breakfast, I remind him, "Thanks be to Mom trolling forums, we have this awesome cereal." His stylish new clothes, fresh from the dryer are folded neatly and handed to him, compliments of the 'forum troller'. When he comes in, cold from the snow, I say, "Ah! Heat! Heat! Plenty of electricity from the forum troller!"
Oh, sure. I've told him that the comment hurt. I also told him that I am ill, and that life is short, and I didn't want to spend the time I have, arguing 'uglies' with him.
He rolled his eyes. There it was again. Sullen, unappreciative. He doesn't get it. How could he? At that age I was totally invincible. Death was as far from my mind as it could be!
Let's not spend our short time on earth fighting! Please!!!
I find, however, that even as folks grow older and mature, they still don't believe, really... fully... that death will happen! It's a cosmic thing, way, way out there, and folks just continue to fight, hurl insults at each other, and treat one another poorly.
I do lose patience, "trolling forums."
I grew up knowing I had Marfan Syndrome. A well meaning, but uninformed doctor once told me that I would not make it past 35. Wouldn't you think that would sink in? It did, but I joked about it! Talked about it in very casual tones. Planned, accordingly, but lightly.
It wasn't until my dissection, 14 months ago, that I've had to really deal with the concept of death. Let me tell you, it's not something you can teach anyone about, nor anything that anyone can relate to. You have to go through it, and even then, it's a very personal journey that cannot be shared, or explained.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that my prognosis is not real good. You think that's hard to come to terms with? What's even more difficult, is to get others to believe it, or even understand it. Especially those that love you most.
I have been through several counseling sessions regarding it, and I do believe that I have done well digesting it. It took a lot of time, many tears, but now? I can take it! But I can't share it. I've tried. It's mine to keep, to hold close.
If I try (and Lord knows I have!) people think I'm after sympathy, or, the people closest to me think I am exaggerating it. One thing is for certain. They don't want to hear it!
Personally, it's a relief to me, to reach this plateau. It's a good feeling. It's peaceful!
But if I mention it in passing, in a casual tone, I still hear those closest to me say, "Be positive!" or, "Jennie, you could live to be 90!"
No matter the well meaning, it's frustrating. I don't want to hope for that, nor would I want to live to 90! It hurts to have Marfan Syndrome in the first place! Most of the time, (rumor has it!) old age hurts, too.
Let me tell you, I do believe in divine planning, and I do not believe that any divine planner would have someone already in pain, extend their lifetime to add the pain of old age on top of it! Ouch! No God of mine would double those two up and dole it out on me! My God has mercy!
David and I sat in his bedroom as things calmed. I tried to explain the whole thing. I wanted him to know why it was important he understood that I was upset by his insults, or at least heard me out, and maybe could apply it later.
First, I explained what I really do on ifish.net. I honestly don't think he understood what goes into it, what makes it tick, and what his Mom does. I'll write later in the week, how I explained that to him. That's the fun part!
This part isn't.
David is very intelligent and is a very good listener. I didn't realize that he hadn't a clue what happened to me, and what an aortic dissection entails. I explained it to him the very best that I knew how. I believe that to this day, my Dad still doesn't understand, nor does he have any wish to. I believe that he just wants to think that I'm going to be fine... and I'm going to leave it that way!
I explained to David, though, that a healthy aorta is like a hose, with many layers inside, strongly held together to handle the intense flow of blood. It's like particle board! But in Marfan Syndrome, my layers were not strongly held together, and had become 'unglued'. I told him that the blood flow then went through the individual layers, instead of through the hose, like it should be. The pressure built up and burst through, because the layers themselves were not strong enough.
This separation of layers began in my carotid artery where it split, and traveled all the way down, past my heart, and to my iliac arteries near my legs. This happened while I traveled in the ambulance from Tillamook to Portland. The doctors in Portland were only able to repair the ascending aorta, where they inserted a St. Judes Valve, and reinforced my ascending aorta.
My descending aorta is still separated into layers, all the way down to my iliac. It is very fragile, and can burst very easily, as it did, above. If it does, well... it isn't possible to repair.
Upon release from the hospital, they didn't realize that the layers of my aorta had collapsed, and were acting as a wind sock in my abdomen. My blood was traveling from my heart to my waist, and back up again! Very little blood flow was getting through to my legs. That's why my feet were numb and I couldn't walk. They put in stents to help that. As it is now, I have pain and trouble with my legs and feet, but I can walk!
These days I have Cat Scans every six months to check if the layers look weaker anywhere. If they do, then I will have another 12 hour open heart surgery, to try to repair it. That could save me!
"Oh! But I'm not looking forward to that!" I laughed with David.
I do alright with the concept of my own mortality, like I said, and I did alright telling David this information.
I'll tell you one, thing, though, that still tears me up, and it tore me to pieces, telling David.
No one loves you like your own Mother.
The one person that I really wanted to comfort me when I was very ill and scared in the hospital was my Mother. I wanted it so badly, that I have one vivid memory of when my heart stopped, during surgery.
I saw her, there. I'm not much for the cosmic side of things, but I know for a fact, that my Mother was there, with me in spirit. I saw her.
There was a time during surgery that part of a valve sheered off in the dissection. This is when they took a vein out of my leg to repair it. I guess it was a scary time and they almost lost me. Boy, did they ever do a messy job on my leg! The doctor apologized, but said it wasn't a beauty option, and was in a bit of a hurry. I tend to think that is when my Mom was there.
Anyhow...
My son Andrew has Marfan Syndrome, too. Andrew may someday have a dissection in his aorta. I want him to have it repaired before it happens. That could save his life!!! But he is a teenager. He is reluctant and invincible.
I am not so afraid of my own death, but I do have one incredible, insurmountable fear that haunts me. I totally lost it, as I told David.
"David", I continued.
"I am so scared I won't be there for Andrew if this happens to him. Please. If Andrew has a dissection, I want you to hold his hand."
There I sat on his unmade bed, roles reversed, just sobbing! I was as a small child. My shoulders shook uncontrollably. I was shaken, fragile, and sobbing. Pop cans were sideways on the TV and clothes were strewn unfolded on the floor. I sat uncomplaining, legs dangling, nervously kicking a dirty towel.
There was silence in the room, as I got up to leave. I reached the hall and I heard a quiet voice.
"Mom?"
I turned and through teary eyes saw David coming towards me. He held out his arms and he took me in. My little boy had broad man shoulders! As he held me, I felt so small against him. I wanted so badly to stay there and be comforted by son. My own son. Just a small piece of little boy left, but nearly a grown man.
Instead, I stayed for only a moment, before I pulled back, and in my best "internet troll" impersonation, said, "Could you please finish cleaning your room?"

[JustCallMeDave]

Thank you for sharing, Jennie.

[FisherJack]

Wow, Jennie, that is really powerful writing. I, too, appreciate you sharing your story. It makes one think. I'm sure I am like many ifishers when I say that I so wish that there was something that I could do to help you handle the deck that has been dealt to you. Unfortunately, though, I don't know what that might be, other than behave on ifish. If you can tell me of anything else, please let me know.

[id. painter]

Very nice Jenn. As different as we are , I Do get it.
I do .
You speak it so well .

I wish you and your the very best ..
David will be there in best form when he's needed.
No doubt ...
id. p.

[Hooked on Fish]

Wow, Jenn,

God bless you and your boys. That's all I can say now.

Bret

[MacEFL]

Please pass the tissue!

[Thumper]

Thanks Jennie. As the father of all-growned-up sons (ages 42, 40 and 38) it is easy to forget the early days. Take heart, this phase will pass. As adults, these guys will be your best friends. Believe me.

[jocose]

my boys are 28 and 24. there were times when i had to look up the washington state laws on murdering your own sons.. lucky for them the penalty was severe ... :grin: (kidding) i know there were times when they thought the same about me. you do your best jennie as a parent often without any constructive feedback and when the dust settles you will find your sons have turned into loving friends. just put on a dust mask, remember its a love thing, its ok to keep that murder statute on the fridge tho as a reminder to the little devils.. ( us ifishers still love you) thanks, gary fetters proud loving father and friend to sam and john...

[Captain and Marie]

Jen,

Great Story. I enjoyed it alot.

"Teach Your Children Well"


Marie

[Musicman]

Thanks for sharing Jennie, reminds me of my 20yr old eldest son....couldn't be relied upon as a teen except when hounded to do things, simple things....only 2 short years later and he is often very thoughtful and responsible when not even asked....he's been moved out for 2years this mothers day, imagine leaving home on MD..his mom was heartstruck....by like I said 2 short years and he's now a man with a golden heart....Raise them up in the way they should go....you won't regret it... id-p is correct....he/they will be there when you need em!

God bless!

[floristluvs2fish]

Thank you for the heart wrenching story..being a parent has never been easy..and your challenges are of course in greater then mine..Your an amazing woman..God Bless you

[Bugle4em]

What you do Jennie affects people more than you know. Thanks

[SilverFly]

Wow, that hits close to home Jennie.

My 15 year old daughter is going through a "difficult" phase to say the least. What's worse is she takes out a lot of her frustrations on her mother who has metastatic breast cancer in her spine, ribs, pelvis, and leg. While my wife's cancer appears to be responding well to treatment and is in remission for now (thank God!), - she also is faced with her own mortality and is in constant pain.

I know that part of my daughter's behavior problems are probably "acting out" in response to her mom's health, but is extremely difficult for me to be anything but angry with her when she mouth's off to her mom.

You are also right about loved ones not accepting the impending mortality of another. I am pretty much in denial about my wife's "terminal" diagnosis. Her oncologist says she could have as much as 10 or even 15 years if the treatments continue to work. The way I deal with it is convincing myself they will have a cure by then .

Being a teenager is tough enough with healthy parents. Having a parent with a terminal illness, must make it nearly unbearable.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted you to know you're not completely alone.

God Bless

-------------

[Bull7x6]

Thanks Jen.

[Jennie@ifish]

My boys and I have an extremely close relationship. We will always be close.
Last night we had dinner for Bill's Birthday and afterwards, we had political discussion for 2 hours after. (complete with cake and ice cream and coffee!)

I love them SO much! They are the neatest kids and I made 'em!

I take their tough times for what they are. Expected, but... oh so tiresome. :smile:

Anyhow, I couldn't be more proud, nor more pleased... even though Andrew has no job, he is the neatest person to be around. I couldn't hope for a better room mate. He's clean, tidy, cooks one mean meal, and has me laughing constantly. He's so totally thoughtful.

David is a good student, he's smart, really fun to talk to. He's messy, messy, messy, but... I love him for that, too... because he doesn't care! At all! I think that's just the way he is, and I'm convinced he'll match up with someone that will help him with that! :smile:

Anyhow, I'm up for the challenge of getting through all of these phases. It's just frustrating. Heart wrenching, too. But, we all have that.

Such a short stay on earth. I don't want to miss one minute, or one stage, or one day-- good, bad, or indifferent!

Jen

[Dullhook]

I just love your big heart Jennie!

And this of course was passed on to your sons.

[crabbait]

When we look back on our lives and the people we have known, the days and times we remember most are the ones with significant emotional events. Some good events like births and weddings. Some tragic like accidents and sudden illnesses.

Those times that we remember with crystal clarity are usually the times which were the most emotionally trying. Fortunately, I guess, they don't come along everyday. I don't think any of us are strong enough.

I am thankful that you made this special time with your son. When he is your age or older, when he is telling his children about their grandmother, this is one of the times he will remember.