Dealing with Death... some helpful papers

[Jennie@ifish]

I know talking about death is a drag.
But, even though some of us put it off, or tend to try to push it off, it's a reality for all of us. I always find it funny to hear people say, "If I should die..."
Eh hem!
That said, I can't tell you how much Chaplain and hospice leader Carolynne Fairweather helped our family as we moved from one stage to the next. Her wisdom is remarkable, and if this can help you, I'd be pleased, and I'm certain that Carolynne would, too. It's her life's work.

Oh, and just a note to all, "the light" doesn't have to be for Christians only. Everyone sees the light, no matter, says she, if they are Christian, another religion, or no religion at all.

Thanks... Oh, and as for what she said earlier before Bill's Mom died, it's under the second part of this paper.

Please, if you share this, include the author's name as a courtesy. It is owned and written by her, and she should be respected in that way.

Thank you!
Jen

HELPING SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING
By Chaplain Carolynne Fairweather, D.Min, BCC Legacy Meridian Park Hospital Tualatin, OR


1. The most important thing that you can do when someone is grieving is to be there
and LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN! A wise psychiatrist once told us, “ When I
am with someone, I listen, reflect back and clarify what I think I’m hearing, and
then listen again.”

2. To start conversations with one who is grieving when you don’t know what
to say, begin with open -ended statements which offer the other person an invitation
to respond if they want to or not discuss the loss if they so choose. “ It must be
very difficult to for you right now” or “ What a hard thing to go through.”

3. Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, say so. “ I’ve wanted to talk to you
about your loss, but I just didn’t know what to say. If you feel like discussing it,
I’d like to hear about your loved one and your relationship with him(her.)”

4. It’s all right to say, “I’m sorry about your loss.” Don’t follow it with, “ If there’s
anything I can do for you, please let me know.” Say something specific: “ I
know you’ll have a lot of company in the next few days, may I bring a casserole,
dessert, extra blankets, pillows, fetch someone from the airport, offer my spare room,
watch your house on the day of the funeral, bring you a meal when everyone goes
home, stay with another family member while you go to the funeral home, etc.”
Something specific will almost always bring a response from the grieving person.

5. If you knew the person who died, share a memory. “I’ll always remember the cakes
your Mom used to make” or “ Remember when we all went to the beach for
vacation.” Remember that memories are the ties which forever bind us to our
loved ones. Encourage the grieving person to share photos, memorabilia, etc.

6. Affirm for the bereaved person that grief is a process, a journey that everyone
who has had a loss goes through. They are not crazy or out of touch with reality
even when they experience strange things. There are parts to or stages in this process
that people pass through and often revisit as the journey moves forward. This is
normal. The process of grief includes: shock, anger, guilt, depression, feeling
physically, psychologically or spiritually ill, numbness, sleep deprivation, loss of
appetite, anxiety, self-blame, loneliness . . . just to name a few. All of these are
normal feelings.

7. After everyone else goes home, is when the reality of the loss sets in. Late afternoons,
evening, weekends and holidays are awful for the bereaved. If you are helping
someone, remember to call, send a card or note, invite them to share a meal, see a
play or movie, go to a concert or for a walk. If they are having a really hard time refer
them to a grief support group so that they can share with others who have undergone
similar losses. Remember that the best thing you can do is to be there and listen.


WORKING WITH THE DYING

1. LISTENING is the best gift we can give to the dying person. When someone is
first informed that they are dying, they pass through a series of stages and often
revisit them along the way, sometimes in the same sentence. The stages are:
shock, anger, bargaining, despair or depression, and acceptance. By listening to what
is being said, we can often determine where the person is in the process.

2. Help the dying to do or make their sentimental journey. Often this involves revisiting
places from their youth in actuality or by memory. This may be a good time to sort
through the photographs and old letters, contact old friends, write or dictate a personal
history, leave certain objects or things to others for future celebrations, make up wills,
write down funeral service information and instructions.

3. Facilitate resolution and reconciliation. So often there is a need to resolve and have
reconciliation with things and relationships in our lives involved in the dying
process: for mistakes and missed opportunities, broken relationships with family,
friends, faith communities, God and self. When the dying begin to talk about these
things, healing can occur.

4. Listen for clues. The dying give psychological as well as physical clues of approaching
death. Often you will here them making “journey statements.” Things which
indicate that they are about to leave this life and move to the next. These might include
statements about wanting to go home( when they already are physically “home),
looking for things that indicate travel : Where are the car keys, my license, wallet,
purse, passport, suitcase? Standing on or being on a line or queue of people.
Often they speak to or have conversations with or vivid dreams about others who are
not in the room, those who have already died . This, for a dying person, is not a
hallucination or reaction to an overdose of medication. The best way to approach
someone who is experiencing this is not to pooh-pooh the idea or try to reorient the
person to the present, but to go along with it, asking appropriate questions. What do
they look like, what are they saying, describe the scenes you are seeing. This reassures
the dying person and can give you valuable clues to the dying process.

5. Paint the picture of heaven for them. In the gospel of John the 14th Chapter tells us
that there are many rooms in God’s house and that one is being prepared for each of us.
I take this very literally and help them to furnish the room with the objects, furnishings,
books, people, pets, food that they loved best here on earth. I have them describe their
favorite natural place and set the window of their room to look out over that place. This
is a way of removing the fear of dying and separation from them and of helping them to
envision the future.

6. People who are dying need to be released to death. This should be taught to the
families, for it is loved ones who need to do the releasing. Sometimes, no one
else may be present and then it will fall to you.
A. Reassure the person that it is all right to go. Everyone will continue to love them,
hold them in their hearts, remember them, but their work here is finished and they
can go when they are ready.

B. Remind them to look for the light. The light can be anything that has to do with
their spiritual beliefs: light of Christ, God, a favorite saint, etc. anything or anyone that
points them to God.

C. Help them to look for their loved ones who have already died. For they do come
for us, as God comes for us. Even our pets can be the loved ones who appear to us.

7. The dying will wait for things to be in place before leaving. This means waiting for
people who they need to see or to talk to before dying. In long term dying processes, they usually won’t die until they have received at least “ heart” release from everyone.

8. The dying very often know when they will die. You can ask, “If I come to see you
on Monday, will you be here?” If they say, “Yes” resoundingly they will. If they say
“No,” “I don’t know,” give you a blank stare or don’t answer, they probably won’t be.
If they are confused by the question and want to have an idea when they will die, ask
about upcoming events and work backwards. “ Do you think you’ll be hear for
graduation, Christmas, your birthday, the summer, etc.?” They almost always know,
sometimes remarkably so.

9. Even when someone is in a coma, they can still hear. It is okay to ask about funeral
arrangements, wishes. Sometimes it is best for someone who is not a relative to do this.

10. The last conscientious choice made by the dying is to be with people or to die alone.
If the person always tried to protect others, take care of them, never be a burden, they
will probably die alone, even if people have been sitting a death watch for hours at a
time. When you step out of the room to answer the phone, get the mail, take a
bathroom break, or fall asleep for a few moments, the person will die. Don’t feel guilty.
This is the choice of the dying person, not your decision or fault.

11. Remember above all to take your cue from the dying person. Follow their lead
and you will know when to present some of these things we have talked about. You
are there for their comfort and not your own. Don’t be alarmed by things they say or do,
for these things will often be a guide for you as to where they are in the process.
LISTENING AND YOUR PRESENCE are the most important gifts you can give
the dying person.

By Chaplain Carolynne Fairweather, D.Min, BCC
Legacy Meridian Park Hospital Tualatin, OR

------------------------------------------------

Here is another paper written by her, to help people that are grieving.
I'm going to print it out for Bill.

--------------------------------

When Your Last Parent Dies by Carol Luebering


Many years ago, we spent all too many hours in a car with four young children. Our attempts at keeping them amused included a game that began with “How old will you be when…?” It kept them busy for a blessed while. One time, I asked how old Dad would be when one of them was 80. “Dead!” came the reply.
We all knew early on that we would probably outlive our parents. Yet, their deaths still seem to come sooner than we expected. And the last parent’s death can hit the hardest.
We become, in a phrase gaining popularity, adult orphans.
Unlike orphaned youngsters, we can usually take care of ourselves. We are not left to the mercy of other relatives; no one seeks foster care for us. But we may feel a lot like Dorothy stepping into OZ and saying,” We’re not in Kansas anymore.” The world doesn’t look the same. We may feel out of touch with our past, ill at ease in the present, and downright scared of the future.

Working your way through

Your relationship with your parents goes back farther than any other tie. They were the people to whom your very life depended when you were small. As an adult you continued to depend on them for many things: approval, advice, sympathy when things went wrong, perhaps occasional financial help, a helping hand with the broken garage door or that great family recipe. They have always been part of your world and when they are gone, a large peace of your past is lost to you.
Your parents will always be with you, imbedded in your memory and your genes. But they will no longer be there for you when you need them. What lies ahead of you now is both a difficult journey and an adventure that can lead to much growth.

My dad died of a heart attack when I was 30. Mom lived to a ripe old age and died just last year. I had already lost her, bit by bit, as pieces of her mind were erased by little strokes. Finally she needed nursing home care, which drained my time, my energy and my finances. She became more and more incapacitated and had little dignity left. In many ways, her death was a relief.
Yet, somehow her death left me feeling utterly bereft. I hadn’t anticipated how it would feel to lose my last parent. Bit by bit, I’m healing and discovering who I am as an adult, on my own for the very first time.

Rediscover who you are

Unless you were adopted, your looks, your health, and to a large extent, your personality were shaped by your parents’ genes. In any case, memories of them, many beyond your conscious reach, continue to mold you. Whether they were the world’s best mom and dad or you have nothing but painful childhood memories, they are forever a part of who you are.
When your first parent died, you still had the other one with whom you could share memories. But you’re on your own now – in a way you never imagined when you first left home. If you relied on your parent for advice and support, now it’s up to you to find, build or strengthen other support systems and take full responsibility for your decisions. That’s scary, but like your first venture into independence, it can also be liberating. Free of parental expectations, you can become more fully yourself.
However great your parents were, they were not perfect parents. Raising children is something all parents muddle through as best we can. (You have surely discovered that if you have children.) So losing your last parent may leave you with some mixed emotions. Anger, guilt, sorrow and relief can get mixed in together, depending on the circumstances.
But remember that death ends a life, not a relationship. You can still “wrap things up” with Mom or Dad. Place the words you need to speak in God’s hands and trust they will get where you want them to go. Enter into honest dialogue with the parental “tapes” that may be playing in your head. Affirm the positive ones and find ways to “write over” the negative ones with more positive messages. You may need some professional help with this if the negatives are deeply engrained, but it’s worth the effort.

Write your parents’ biography, at least in your mind. Include, of course, your happy memories. But also note the tensions they faced that might have had a ripple effect on their relationship with you. Mourn the loss of any chance of remaking them into ideal parents, but also remember that both love and forgiveness can pan the gulf of death.

Reinvent the family

Individuals in a family dance in delicate balance, like pieces of a mobile. Parents, especially when only one remains, are often the stabilizing forces. The intensity of their concern for their offspring is often the force that holds the structure together. Dad may be the peacemaker or Mom the problem on which all the others focus. Removing them throws the whole structure off balance.
Old sibling rivalries are apt to resurface when the last parent dies. The person who has had primary responsibility for Dad’s care may nurse resentment because someone else didn’t do a fair share. The sibling who never could do anything wrong in Mom’s eyes may suddenly evoke long buried wrath.
Furthermore, none of you is mourning the exact same parent. Each child in the family has a unique relationship with the parent. Such things as birth order and gender profoundly affect the parent-child relationship, and each person holds onto different memories and different feelings. Strained relationships instead of mutual comfort may result when siblings start sharing their memories – and funerals force remembrance.
Things may get toughest when it’s time to divvy up the last parent’s possessions. Curiously, it’s the things of least monetary value that can become the center of the storm. But smaller things carry emotional price tags. As a daughter who lived with her widowed mother put it, “ Everyone else was choosing things to take home. No one seemed to realize that what they were doing was deconstructing my home.”
One family made lists of their own wishes and took pictures of everything in the family home. The photos sped across the country to far-flung members, who listed the things they’d like to have. They then put Post-its with would-be claimants’ names on everything. When something sported more than one name, they drew cards to decide who should have it. No one got everything they wanted, but everyone was fairly treated.

Find new reasons to gather.

You will need to find new reasons to get together as a family. With both parents gone, the central focus of the family is missing. Holiday celebrations undergo a radical change. You can try to carry on the usual rituals, but they just wont feel the same.
When my mother-in-law was no longer there to fix the Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts, the rest of us carried on as long as Dad was alive. It got to be a lot of work as the generations multiplied and our kids had in-laws of their own to consider. Once Dad was gone, we went our separate ways for the holidays. But we missed getting the whole gang together. So now we have a family reunion once a year and special gatherings to mark such things as significant birthdays or anniversaries.

Claim your place in history.

The most startling – terrifying - realization you face when your last parent dies is that you are next in line. You may begin to feel that you are standing before death’s door, waiting for Someone to call, “ Next!”
Consider it an invitation to do the things you have always put off – especially to get relationships in good repair. Make the most of your position as a tribal elder. Photocopy old family photos for everyone. Tell the stories your parents told you to coming generations. Consider researching and distributing the family tree and history.
Be a confidant and adviser to the young. You don’t have to have children of your own; nieces, nephews, younger friends and co-workers can always use a good ear.

Take heart.

When you were very young, your parents taught you to wave good-bye when someone was leaving. Well, “waving good-bye” to your last parent is one of the most difficult good-byes you will ever experience. Recall, however, that you are a living legacy, the next link in a long chain that unites all generations going back in time to the very beginning, and to the first Parent. Keep the link strong until the time when you, too, join your parents in the land beyond this one.

[Salmo trutta]

Thanks Jennie,
That helped alot. I just got back from spending time with my father who is dying from lung cancer. It's in his brain now and spreading. The hospice nurse told me on the 9th of June that he wouldn't make it thru that weekend so I flew to Georgia. After a few days he got better. He told me he started his journey but came back. He survived the weekend and the following week. We celebrated his 70th birthday the following Friday and we all enjoyed Fathers Day together. He took me out in the yard several times to show me what needed to be fixed and what he was planning on doing with the place. I think he wanted some assurance that stuff would be taken care of when he's gone.

[garyk]

Jennie, WOW, thanks for sharing that. The events of birth and death are two of the most powerful life-lesson experiences one can have - at least for me.

But as a culture, we tend conciously ignore death and don't talk about it. When the inevitable happens, we stumble through it, wondering what we should say and do?

I've never seen anything like what you've shared above. Thanks!

[Dullhook]

5. Paint the picture of heaven for them. In the gospel of John the 14th Chapter tells us
that there are many rooms in God’s house and that one is being prepared for each of us.
I take this very literally and help them to furnish the room with the objects, furnishings,
books, people, pets, food that they loved best here on earth. I have them describe their
favorite natural place and set the window of their room to look out over that place. This
is a way of removing the fear of dying and separation from them and of helping them to
envision the future.

I don't know what could be more comforting to a loved one than this. Thank you for sharing it, Jennie.

[PapaHog]

Thank you Jennie for sharing this.

I am touched by your openness.

Thank you
Ken

[Jennie@ifish]

You know, when I had my surgery, I died I guess, for a little while, and my Mom was there. I didn't think of it as a near death experience, or whatever they call it. She was just there.

Weird.

Jen

[Jennie@ifish]

Oh, and by the way, my Mother is deceased.

Jen

[rimrock]

Everyone sees the light, no matter, says she, if they are Christian, another religion, or no religion at all.

Just depends on what kind of light...could be good or bad

[OutTrolling (ot)]

Jennie,
As I was reading this, I was reminded of the way things are done where I come from -- Penna. Funeral "stuff" is done so differently out here. Back there, it is like a big friends/family reunion in the viewing room.

My mom died a year ago just three weeks shy of her 94th birthday. In the funeral home, immediate family and friends gather to greet everyone who comes to pay last respects. I had people come up to me who I didn't know and introduce themselves as life long girlhood friends of my mom (mum as we say it)and relate some anecdote that usually ended in a chuckle. It was relaxing and actually refreshing to have her time with us end in this way. I'm certain it is the way she wanted it.

And, you are 'right on' about the memories. During these times of gathering and sharing, many memories are retrieved from some deep closet in the mind, wherever those things are stored that have long been forgotten. What treasures, to find out things you never knew about a family member - especially your mother.

When I first attended a funeral here, I wondered, what is wrong - where is the family. Then I discovered a huge cultural difference between east and west; not that either one is better or worse that the other. Although, I must admit, I prefer the way it is done back there.

Oops! I think this is hijacking. Sorry Jennie. Your writing caused some reminiscing about my "Mum". Thanks for bringing back the memories!

[SPAZZ]

post deleted by spazz

[Rocky]

As a side note, and maybe this should be another thread, if you want to spare your loved ones grief and lots of wasted time and money after your departure, get a living trust and avoid probate and the taxes that goes with it

[sinker]

My nephew passed away almost two years ago at the age of 18. Dropped everything and drove to my sisters house.

Hardest thing I've ever done. You feel pretty helpless. What do you say, what do you do? Especially the same day it happened. Can't say anything to make it better, just sit there and be there for them I guess is what we did. Hard to explain.

If there's one thing I hope for in life it's that I don't have to go through that as a parent. I'm not sure I could take it.

[Capt. Hook]

PM sent!

[seabass]

Thanks Jennie,

A former student of mine died in a car accident recently. The parents have been good friends for several years and I did not know what to say. I avoided contact because of not knowing what to say but from your letter I now will talk to them about her being the top student in my math class.

Thanks
Dave

[Molly B]

Thanks so much. That's really all I have to say. Our dear neighbors just lost their 20 year old daughter so some weird heart defect. Now I know what to do.

[Jennie@ifish]

Bump to the top for some friends of mine.

[BCF]

Thanks Jennie,
I haven't shared my grief but with a few. This coming week I will be travelling to a gathering honoring my father who died in Dec. My brothers and I will be dividing the last of my parents belongings. My Mom died not to long ago also. My wife's Dad died this last Nov. and two of my Godparents also passed last Oct. It has been a drain, but...literally crying through the read of your post made me feel "most human" and that maybe I should address the full weight of my grief. It also made me realize that I am not alone in my experience. Death is inescapable and living without the people you love seems really hard. I realize now I need to get some help to live a quality life while I still can.
Robin

[Jennie@ifish]

I wanted to bring this to the top for folks dealing with this, right now.
It was so helpful to me at the time!

Jen

[SeaSparrow]

Originally Posted by Jennie@ifish

I wanted to bring this to the top for folks dealing with this, right now.
It was so helpful to me at the time!
Jen

I remember reading this thread when it was first posted and my mother was dying. Now my father just passed away 12 days ago. Losing the last parent is harder than it looks...!
Thanks for the bump, very valuable post.

[Oregon_Lass]

Thanks Jennie. Whether our grief is new or old, it never, ever completely stops hurting.