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What to do about a stubborn daughter?

4K views 46 replies 36 participants last post by  Threemuch 
#1 ·
Ha, me of all people asking this question. Ok, I have a 9 yr old daughter who is even more stubborn then myself. Today, I get one of those calls from the school. She doesnt want to sit in the assigned seat the teacher has for her. The principal asked us to come and pick her up and then arrange a meeting to speak with them about what to do if it happens again. I said there is only a few minutes left of school and I would like for her to get on the bus. I told my daughter over the phone that if she would say sorry to the Principal for wasting his time and to the teacher that I would give her a big hug when she got home and we could start all over again on monday. So, she says ok and I hang up. 15 minutes later the Principal calls again......she is out wandering the halls again just before she has to get on the bus. He is upset that I think a meeting would be a waste of time. Her excuse this time was that some boys were giving her a bad time. Here is my question. My daughter is so stubborn that if she doesnt want to do something she absolutely will not do it. We've done just about everything to persuade her to let it go but nope! she wont budge. Have any suggestions. Keep in mind, I have seven children total so I am not new to the child phase thing.
 
#5 ·
"I told my daughter over the phone that if she would say sorry to the Principal for wasting his time and to the teacher that I would give her a big hug when she got home"

You're opening yourself up to this by posting the question...

Constant positive re-enforcment is not a cure all for behavior problems. We have to remember that being a parent and being a best friend are not always the same thing. I am a big fan of postive re-enforcment up to a point...after that then the word discipline needs to enter the picture and be carried out. Your daughter is disrespecting adults at school and you. She feels she can get away with what she is doing because the worse case scenerio is that she just won't get her hug.

Steve
 
#6 ·
My daughter was struggling a little at school with some behavior problems, I warned her that I would go sit with her at school if her behavior did not change. Well, you should have seen her face the day I showed up. Of coarse I had made arrangements with the school and they embraced the idea. It only took once. She did not seem too embarrassed at the time, nor was it disruptive of the class, in fact all the children seemed to pay more attention to the teacher.
 
#27 ·
My daughter was struggling a little at school with some behavior problems, I warned her that I would go sit with her at school if her behavior did not change. Well, you should have seen her face the day I showed up. Of coarse I had made arrangements with the school and they embraced the idea. It only took once. She did not seem too embarrassed at the time, nor was it disruptive of the class, in fact all the children seemed to pay more attention to the teacher.

my mom did this twice to me, at the time i thought she was crazy. but i did straighten up. that was about 17 years ago, i graduated, have no criminal record. i think it works
 
#7 ·
Children want to know there limits. You need to show her that this is over the limit. I would tell her that since she won't sit in the chair assigned in school, she will not sit in any chair at home for the weekend, not to eat, watch TV, not playing games, no sitting period, she would stand the entire weekend. From the time she gets up she would stand. If she shows the same disrespect again at school, tell her you will join her at school as said previuosly.
 
#8 ·
Maybe she has problems with the student assigned to the seat next to her. or, with her physical proximity to the teacher .


Perhaps she is uncomfortable with the Juxtaposition of personalities in the seating chart.

0.) ask her what the issue is with the seating?
#1. Then ask her what you can do to help.

Then do it.
 
#12 ·
I don't know enough to be sure but I'll bet your daughter is stuborn because she knows there's no penalty for being selfish. Our dauhter has a friend that is the same way but we don't let her get away with it at our house. It's amazing how much more she respects our requests than her own parent's.

The line has to be drawn in the sand and the penalty has to be served. The leash gets shorter with every infraction until she learns that adults will be respected.


At the same time you need to be sure that it's not other kids at school harassing her. Some of the parents of other kids are clueless to the trouble their kids cause. We have neighbors down the street where the boy, at age 9, was always harassing our daughter (different daughter). She was taller than him and had great grades and I think hewas jealous of her accomplisments. He used every oportunity to call her names, punch her in jest, etc. I told my daughter to tell him to stop. When he didn't I went down and talked to his parents. I made sure to let them know that my daughter was capable of being the instigator. They had a talk with him and he stopped his actions and actually started being nice to her. Communication is where you start.
 
#13 ·
Sounds to me, if you go look in a mirror you might just find the problem.
DAB
 
#15 ·
Raised two kids..single mom. Did not spare the rod. They NEVER had a problem at school because I told them the same thing my folks told me...you get in trouble in school, you get in MORE trouble at home. Listen to these wise folks who advocate discipline...they are absolutely right on!!! You are the parent...you have only one shot to teach them respect and words only go so far. Do your child a favor and discipline them...hard to believe but they are happier kids.
 
#16 ·
I'd sit down and have a talk with her. There is likely a compelling reason why she is doing this. Maybe it won't seem compelling enough for you, but it's apparently something compelling enough for her and that's what counts in her world.

She's only 9, but she's a (somewhat) rational person who has feelings. She might be acting out right now because there is something seriously bothering her. Sit down with her and talk to her and see what happens.
 
#17 ·
Sounds like she is 9 going on 16. I like the idea of spend the day or two with her in school. I bet she will know if she has a problem again Dad will be there and it will not be the slight bit fun rp
 
#21 ·
Perhaps. But not until you find out why she is acting out and only then if the reason warrants it.

But truly if there are no consequences (whatever they may be) for not following the rules, there will be lots of not following the rules.
 
#22 ·
Most everyone on here has a good idea at what to do or were to start, but it is your daughter you know her better then all of us. Some kids listen better to diffrent parenting skills, my son he needs a swatting every now and then, but my daughter the emtional one you just look at her funny and she is straight as a arrow from that point on..
MY wife did home daycare and we had this WILD child he was sooooooooooooo out of control he was kicked out of 3 daycares and 2 schools, So when he came to our house we layed down the rules ,my wife was haven a very hard time with him so I went into work earlly and and came home earlly to help her out, and let me tell you, me and this boy went rounds (not litrallly) but I stuck by my guns and he ended up being a really good kid for us. His parents would see how he acted at our house and they would say "oh I wish he was this good at home".
To this day (my wife does not do daycare anymore) when we see this familey in town the little boy runs up and gives me a big ol hug, and tells me he misses me and wants to come over......
The point of my long story I guess is you have to find what works best for every kid...

CW
 
#23 ·
Hard love for daughters! We told ours, do drugs, get out. Get pregnant, get out. Guess what they graduated High school, did not do drugs and did not get pregnant. They are now in their 20s and they are on their own and they know how to take care of themselves.
 
#24 ·
Every child and every circumstance is different. That is why, in my opinion, the last place I would ask for this type of advice is on a fishing forum filled with folks that don't know the family, the daughter, the school, the teacher, the Principal, etc. etc. etc.......

For some kids a swat will do the trick. For some kids, a swat will make the issues worse, believe me, I learned this the hard way.

Good luck. It is hard work being a good parent.:)
 
#28 ·
Good luck there Troy. We have none.

SEVEN !!!????!!

Dude, I thought the days of super big families were behind us.

Don't kow what to tell ya...

But think of what our / your parents would have done with you?

jz
 
#31 ·
I have 3 step kids who are spoiled rotten. They were very disrepectful when I married into the family.
When they ditched school for 3 days and snuck out to a rave party(studying at freinds house), The SWAT team was deployed immediately, much to the dislike of my wife, her parents and family.
Trying to understand a 9-18 yr old child's feelings and reason with them, is like trying to nail jello to a tree.
They have to understand their are rules, boundaries and strong discipline for violating them, otherwise they will press the test button continuously without fear of you or any authority.
My step-kids do their chores, have not missed a day of school, all have B or better grades. They are almost reliable. They have their moments, but they are soooo much easier to deal with.
My wife and her parents still don't grasp the discipline angle but they can't argue the results.
Don't offer a "positive" like a hug, for bad behavior. Try to find any underlying problems, without revealing impending discipline.
Discipline has to be BAD, not horrible, just enough for them to not like it.
We use loss of electronics, loss of sleep overs, and loss of cellphone, or cellphone being pounded flat.
I have not called out the SWAT team in 2 yrs.
 
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