June 10th, 2001

[Jennie@ifish]

I stare out my window this morning, trying to avoid the bright, insidious glow of my computer screen.
The field grass, last year mowed and trimmed neatly, now stands over a two feet high. It stands still, filled with grass seeds and thistle. A place for the birds to hide and feed.
It took me a while this morning, to rise out of bed. I sat down at the kitchen table to read the paper, further prolonging the weak, but nagging and persistent curiosity of what is new on the discussion board.
I have kept a journal of my life, off and on, for approximately thirty years. They are packed underneath the garage stairs, many spiral notebooks in boxes. Perhaps that is where I should have continued to store them.
What a foolish notion, I ponder, would have me share my weaknesses and strengths with the public?
An evening grosbeak peers in my window. Now there is a soul I can share my life with. He cranes his neck in curiosity. He wants to listen.
Mr. Grosbeak, I am far from perfect.
How crazy is it, my feathered friend, to share my faults, my dreams, my wishes, with the public?
Most often, I write unconsciously.
Although I have received hurtful things before, and have been told by other authors... "Jennie, we LIVE for stuff like this!", I find it hard to swallow still.
I read a post on the board. It was not flattering. It was intended to hurt. As I read the revealing personal details of how one member views me, I turned to Bill in shocked silence.
"There goes the ifish party". Bill said.
He, always a little shy of public attention, has questioned his open invitation to share his home for the fishstock annual ifish party.
Double hurt. "But BILL!!!!"
This is my family! I thought....
I don't blame him, however. Not knowing who is in your home is an unsettling feeling. Where is the trust we felt last year?
I used to write absolutely how I felt in this column, ranging from the frustrations of life decisions, to the fragile fear in me of not knowing if I will have a normally long life to decide.
In this world, in the internet, in the job market, in my family?
Like the keenly sighted pilot reads the clouds for smooth traveling, like the acute eye of a fishermen that reads the water before casting... I, with my clouded vision, sometimes bump into life in awkward bursts and crashes, and experience life without any preceding knowledge, whatsoever.
I learn by touch, by feel, by after experience. Sometimes after shock.
I need time to step back and look at things. I need a time to be private.
The thought of becoming a hermit is especially inviting. A hermit in the woods with the birds, the trees, the elk, the deer. I need to listen. Listen to my family, listen to my soul. Those that I know I can trust.
I have been asked so many times how/why I continue the discussion board. I don't know, and I need to analyze this, talk to the Goldfinch and the Pine Siskin about whether to continue.
I have done this because I felt a kinship, a family, a hope of unconditional belonging. A handful of people on the board remind me of the evil mother in law that visits too often and stays too long.
Will she ever leave? Are they like the stellar jays that are boisterous and bawdy, multiply and take over?
As I hugged my fellow ifishers last year at the party, as I saw the friendships that had been born of the simple connection of a phone line and some basic coding, I knew I had accomplished something good.
Again I look out at the field that has grown so tall. The cars for the party were all parked in neat rows, campers where people spent the night, and I wonder how I would clear the space to accommodate them this year.
More love, more dissension... red and yellow, black and white...
In my mind, I hear the laughter, I see the people warming their hands over the bbq and wonder if it will remain a memory or be brought back to life again this summer.
Have the grasses grown too wild, too tall?
The birds have a place to hide in that overgrown field. I want to wade out in the middle of those tall grasses myself.
I need to withdraw for a while, from my column, from the discussion board, from 'my family'.
I just need a place to hide.
Buy me some time.

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: Jennie@ifish ]

[Thumper]

Jen:

Any time you invite more than a thousand people to share a bit of your personal life you are gonna find a few creeps. The rest of us, presumably not creeps, really appreciate this board and all that you have done. So go cut the grass.

[ol tuna skipper]

Jen,

Heartfelt and Sincere. Take the time you need. Your family should be first. Sorry didn't mean to preach.

I am an instructor at a Community College. The key being Community. The Ifish community, like all public institutions will include those that are wise and those that are otherwise.

Don't let the otherwise cloud your vision. You are a good person I have never met. You are a friend to many on this board. I too have digruntled students. They are entitled to there opinion. This is America. But I don't have to take there opinions to heart when they are intended to inflict pain and hurt. I forgive them for they know not what they do. They probably don't even know themselves, and I find pity for their lost souls.

I hope you do have your annual ifish party and I hope only those wishing to thank you and share a good time will be there. I hope I can attend for the first time. I love what you have done for the fishing community and my own learning experiances from others that post on this board.

Take care Jen.

Skip

[DF]

Thumper It it right on the head
your a great gal jen dont be down.
4% of people on here may not like the way things are going. But 96% Love the board and Love you so dont be down images/icons/wink.gif

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: Dustin ]

[Firedog]

Jen, Keep your chin up. The ones who are against you are a very small group. The majority is behind you, this is your board and you have every right to control it and make the rules as you see fit. If people don't like how things are here then they dont have to be part of the board. Keep up the good work.

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: firedog ]

[dawhunt]

Take a break Jennie you deserve it,even if you just got back from a fishing trip to Alaska.But not to long we'll miss ya. images/icons/frown.gif
Bob images/icons/wink.gif

[Eric]

Being a teacher myself, I know the pain and doubt you feel. You give so much of yourself to see positive results and, despite your best efforts, still get slapped in the face by those who are ignorant, don't care or are just plain mean people.

Though we strive to make everyone and ourselves happy, it's hard, if not impossible, to achieve and it's important to understand that. Play the percentages. As the fellas above mention, dwell on the fact that 95% or more of the people on this board are in to fishing and the comaraderie it brings. Don't let the ignorant bring you down. You are providing a GREAT forum that I appreciate and make a regular part of my day.

You are correct to step back and catch your breath but with time I think you will play the perentages and remember what a good thing this all is.

Smile.....you've done well! images/icons/tongue.gif

[FishinMission]

Jen....I think you need to read my "Roll Call" post over and over and over.......

[BUGLEMAN]

Jen. although mean spirited and below the belt, I know the truth hurts. So take it on the chin and go on. Just like in any trial, brought through any venue of God's, it is a growing experience. We are all not without sin it is just that, an individual did choose to hurl the stone. Konk! images/icons/smile.gif It was strong medicine, drink it for the better. Be a good example unto us heathen.......

[Pete]

Gee, B2U, what's your beef? If you don't like the company you don't have to stay. What's your crusade? This isn't a trial. We aren't here to pass judgement on people. This was a forum for fishing ... not trashing the host. ..."below the belt...so take it on the chin..."? Really now, at least synchronize your metaphors.

Most of us here have found a friendly venue to share a sport we are passionate about. Jen has put a remarkable amount of time and energy into this endeavor. I find it truly honorable that someone would provide this resource to help me enrich my enjoyment of fishing through new friends, new knowledge and timely information. It takes real mongrel to try to intentionally spoil something good.

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: Pete ]

[Trick]

Ya know, when I read that post yesterday I was appalled by it and I knew it was written sincerly to hurt you. I was praying that one of the other Mods would catch it before you did....It's obvious you seen it and for that I'm sorry. I don't want this to sound the wrong way, but if someone starts popping off on this board about my family or ethics, they better find a hole to hide in.


I would tell you to shake it off normally, but that post was different and intended to be cruel and I realize the need to step back. I don't want this board to end, but if people continue to post that kind of trash intended to cut to the core of someone, then it will happen. I loved his excuse about wanting his turn on the soap box. Someone should have kicked it out from under him. images/icons/mad.gif


Again Jen, don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. My apologizes again. images/icons/frown.gif

[Deleted User]

images/icons/rolleyes.gif

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: antifish ]

[Jennie@ifish]

I gotta interject here:
If you can't get a life,
I'll call your wife!
It rhymes,
it was funny,
wasn't meant to cause strife!
It honestly was meant in humor, and I am sorry that you took it otherwise.
I Jennie, also, have a sense of humor! Believe it! It's true!
Going fishing again now!
Lighten up a bit, k?
Hey, fished the Trask Dam hole this afternoon and saw three roll. Fished it hard, no biters.
Jen images/icons/grin.gif
You guys are the greatest. I still am going to take a bit of time off the board.
Really!
There is one group of small individuals who still want to bring Jennie down.
I thought about it lots... I've decided....
(drum roll)
Aint gonna happen!
images/icons/grin.gif

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: Jennie@ifish ]

[OneLastCast]

I did not read the post, but here are several quotes

"Time is but a stream I go fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is . It's thin current slides away, but eternity remains".
David James Duncan

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel and the only one where the challenge is to travel its full lenth and there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly."
Don Juan
Carlos Castaneda

Bugleman may be close to the truth. But what does it matter. Travel the path of your heart. We may not follow your path but it is your path. Don't worry about what is trivial. Do what is best for you. Don't do it for what we think or what we should think.

OneLastCast

[Deleted User]

So these people who are trying to bring you down why not name names? I would like to know who is doing this.
Stew

[Salmonator]

Thatta girl Jen...

[Jennie@ifish]

I'd like to know too, stew.
All I know is user names, like you guys see.
They register, post nasty things and then dlete their e mails. Must be big tough guys.
That's the way I want to be when I grow up too!
Hit and run!
Jen

[SteelieSteve]

I read the post and got pretty angry that a supposed long time member would use that thread to personally attack Jen. He used no good judgement, interjected bits of topics and said purposefully hurtful things. This is a fishing bb not a place to slash others. I admire Jennie for the hard work and the great bb we have to share our sport. She maintains this under great physical adversity. I think she's the best and would hate to see Ifish go down because of a few negative people. Good luck catching a coastal springer Jen. We, your devoted friends will be here when you return sound in mind and ready to write. images/icons/smile.gif

[ 06-10-2001: Message edited by: SteelieSteve ]

[Fubby]

Jen,

It sounds as if you may need some help that only a professional might provide. I have a friend who might be able to help if you need an ear to bend. As a public figure you will always be scrutinized for who you are and what you say. You speak from the heart and it is reflected in your work. The individuals who are causing you this pain probably have issues with women in general. I would bet that some place in the past these souls were mentally or physically abused. They are now acting out in a forum where they can remain anonymous. However, when a person acts out towards you or someone else and then you recognize it and bring it our for discussion you have just justified the person. There intent is complete in a double sense. They are being recognized and you are stating how you have been effected. Rock stars and people of public office often have to deal with the same type of behavior.
Something that needs to be changed (this is not my board) is the mixed message that is being given in this forum. A prime example is right here on this thread. You have BIGSTEW saying in effect that he would like to have the names of the those involved. Why? It is not BIGSTEW's problem. However, if you read into the message what he is trying to do is to get the person or persons out into the open so that the followers can crucify them. What about the post from tshickam. He states,"they better find a hole to hide in". He is referring to questions of ethics or family that might me directed to him. He is going to act out in a violent manner if he is questioned by some words? Here is the double edged sword. Certain behaviors are not accepted on this board and are edited by the "current moderators (for how long?)". However, the followers are offered a kind of sanctuary where they are allowed to band together and throw rocks at anyone who might offer a different opinion (how they say something). The message needs to be clear. If it is not alright for the "outsider" than it is not alright for the "insider". This is a page of groupies. You are either in or out.
It sounds as if the best thing for you to do Jen, is to avoid the posts that you know are from individuals who are "out to bring you down". This will accomplish the following; you will not be hurt by their words, and you will have more energy to expel on things such as your journal. Remember when your heart is out on your sleeve it is easy to chop off.

Peace Out images/icons/smile.gif

[hawgcatcher]

Jennie, It is hard to have people write bad things about you, but like the rest have said, You are a good person. I have emailed you several times on several issues and you have always been quick to come back with answers for me. I think you are special.

Today you met my son at the Dam Hole on the Trask. He said he had a great talk with you and Bill. He told me that he thought you both were great people and that he enjoyed talking to you. That says a lot coming from him. It was too bad that I wasn't with him. He doesn't read the discussions but relies on the old man to do that.

Keep on smiling. Don't get too far away.

images/icons/wink.gif

[Deleted User]

I was posting to this deleted thread being discussed and when I clicked post it said the thread ws deleted so my reply didn't get in. I thought that would be it and nothing more but Jennie brought it up again here and I sort of think what one guy posted is true that if you ignore these things instead posting and bringing more attention to it by saying someone is trying to hurt you just keep the topic up front. My opinion is that the post was sort of harsh but like Buggle man I think it was based on being true and right from what Jennie has written on her website about herself. Instead of thinking some is trying to hurt you with with facts Jennie you should have noticed that it was about you being very judgemental of some guys having harmless fun on here and suggesting they were imoral and you might e-mail their wives. The guy thought that was out of line and I do too. And when you can't live up to the expectations you put on members within your own writings about yourself you shouldn't be getting on them for lesser things. That's what Buggle man and the guy posting was trying to say in my opinion and you think that is tryng to hurt you. I am not Buggle man incidently. I just think things should be kept fair to all on here and lets all quit harping on each other and get back to having fun fishing talk. But let us be ourselves Jennie when its not a big deal or you arent any better.

[dawhunt]

I didn't see the post,I can't imagine anyone comeing down on you.why doesn't the person post his name so we all know who he is then watch out !!!!
Bob images/icons/mad.gif

[Nanook]

June 10th was a mixed day for me too. Happy Birthday on one hand, the realization of mortality and age on the other. Certainly life is too short to waste even a day of it.

Rick images/icons/confused.gif

[Phish_on]

OLC,
Now I like Duncan's work, but he does not compare to Henry David Thoreau, who wrote the "time is but a stream ..." bit.

Couldn't let that one go -

[OneLastCast]

Thanks Phishon,
Thanks for the correction and never let something that bad go. I had written that inside the front cover of my tattered Duncan book and made an embarassing assumption when I reread it.

I hang my head.

OneLastCast

[birdhunter]

Not too worry OLC. This one is Duncan. Not that it has too much to do with this particular post, but I've been meaning to post it for a while and think Jen might appreciate it. Just something to think about.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Fishermen should be the easiest of men to convince to commence the search for the soul, because fishing is nothing but the pursuit of the elusive. Fish invisible to laymen like me are visible to anglers like you by a hundred subtle signs. How can anyone be so sagacious and patient in seeking fish, and so hasty and thick as to write off your soul because you can't see it....Picture rivers - December rivers, mist-shrouded and cold - and thigh deep in the long glides stood fishermen who'd arisen before dawn..There they stood in the first gray light, in rain, wind, snowfall or frost; silent, patient, casting and casting again retrieving nothing yet never questioning the possibility of bright steelhead hidden beneath the green slicks; numb-fingered, empty-bellied, aching-backed they stood, hatted or hooded like rabbis or monks, grumbling but vigilant, willing to pay hard penance for the mere chance of a sudden, subtle strike. What was a fisherman but an untransmuted seeker? And how much longer must he wait, how much greater the skill, how much more infinite the patience and intense the vigilance in the search for the gift men called the soul? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

- David James Duncan (The River Why)

Now compare that to Issac Walton's The Compleat Angler. Listening to all the stuff that happens on the BB, this one made me laugh a little.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>O Gallant the fisher's life,
It is the best of any!
'Tis ful of pleasure, void of strife,
And 'tis beloved by many.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hang in there Jen. We all appreciate everything you've done on Ifish.

[ 06-11-2001: Message edited by: birdhunter ]

[Deleted User]

Why?!?!?!?!?