RvW
07-23-2003, 04:33 PM
Hi folks.
This isn’t exactly something I am compelled to share but I find a little comfort in being open about it, and sharing a sad situation with friends and acquaintances seems to help a little.
As many of you know already, I had an accident with a gun back in January. I had dropped a loaded rifle while looking for some bullets (unaware that it was loaded already) and the gun discharged. The bullet hit my father in the hip.
My father was very ill at the time, and the injury proved too much for him to handle. seven weeks later the lord took him from me.
Now I could rationalize the idea that if my father hadn’t loaded the gun, this would have never happened. I can also dismiss my strong feelings that I am to blame because of my suspicion that the hospital didn’t treat my fathers injuries and illnesses adequately. (An independent pathologist believes my father died from malnutrition.) But even though my friends and family, who all know the events of that evening, have eased my feelings of guilt and assured me that there’s no blame to be placed, I am still having a difficult time completely dismissing the idea that somehow I am responsible for my fathers pain and death even though it was an unforeseeable and tragic accident. Theres no good answer when I ask myself what I could have done differently, but theres got to be something.
Hiring an attorney has been a bittersweet ordeal. I had $6000 dollars to my name, and was hard pressed to find one who would take my case. Somehow, luckily, I found a very good attorney in Portland who agreed to represent me, which was great, however, because of the grand jury’s decision to charge me with crimes that everyone agrees are a bit extreme, I am now completely broke because of the need to defend myself of these humiliating charges. Whats disturbing is I had no motivation to find the lawyer...I just did.
I have to keep my faith that the system works, although in my position it is very difficult to believe at times. Where would we be if we could not trust the legal system to protect us, and distribute justice.
On Monday, I will appear in court, where I will be sentenced to 90 days in Jail. I am not cut out for Jail, and the circumstances surrounding what the county grand jury feels is my responibility in the death of my father seems like adding insult to injury. But I must look adversity in the eye, and hold my ground. If I maintain my belief in the system and strengthen my faith in the lord, Ill accept the sentence as the appropriate opinion of my peers as adequate consequences and get through it ok I guess. But much like the question of what I might have done differently that evening, the question of the courts decisions is not one I can reasonably answer and I must accept them.
I guess there’s a slim chance I could get out after 30 days, which would work out well with a great job offer I was given yesterday, but its hard to prepare for the better news, only to be disappointed by the bad. Seems that is the route of my luck lately.
I'm well aware of the choice to go to trial, but my family and friends have demanded that I not "roll the dice" if somehow I get an unfavorable jury. I cant come up with an answer of what level of responsibility I should accept for my role that night short of "criminal activity" so its in the hands of the courts to decide.
I have no doubts that I am not "criminally" responsible for my fathers death, but with the charges, right or wrong, I could face years in prison with a trial, and to me its just not worth even a slim risk.
Its hard to say I am happy about the outcome, and the gracious offer from the TIllamook country district attorney, but I agree things could be much worse and I am glad I am dealing with his understanding nature as opposed to someone who may not be as open minded. Its also hard to say I have anything to be happy about regarding my fathers death, but I know he’s in a better place, and contrary to the doctors insistence that he was going to be fine, he said he did not fear the idea that he wasn’t going to make it. We talked a lot, and he was at peace.
I cant say alcohol didn’t play a role in the accident the night of January 23rd, because I did have a glass of wine maybe two when it happened, and proceeded to consume large quantities after the accident too, which at the time seemed like a simple way to ease the stress and shock of what had just happened. It appears that this is the biggest issue when considering contesting the charge of negligence.
I had quit drinking on January 1st, not because of a problem with alcohol but to save money and help with my efforts to quit smoking, but in celebration of a good job offer (which I could not accept after the accident) I was encouraged to join my dad in a toast.
Although I cant say alcohol did have a role in my actions or decisions that night up to the point of the accident because I was not the least bit impaired, I was quite a mess shortly afterwards, and not a nice person to deal with so I cant help but feel the demon had come back one last time to bite me in the butt before I said goodbye to it completely.
So in closing, I’m not here to ask anyone for any favors or votes of confidence, I’m just here posting this for closure I guess. When I am released from the Tillamook County Jail, I hope to somehow start over emotionally with some sort of clean slate despite my father being gone. To start over knowing that I have satisfied both my family, and my friends and the state of Oregon, I may be a bit more capable and ready to satisfy myself that its over, it was an accident, bearing in mind that my father didn’t want me to feel bad about it, or assume any fault.
I miss my Dad, and knowing he’s in a better place is little relief. Although he didn’t live his life on any plateau of respect, I think love is blind to whatever character defects a person may have and whatever mistakes a person makes because I sure loved him despite his own. I hope there are other people like him out there in the world who have someone like me to look past the bad and see all the good. He never refused to do it for me too.
Thanks IFishers, Ill be back.
[ 07-25-2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: cirrhosis-of-the-river ]
This isn’t exactly something I am compelled to share but I find a little comfort in being open about it, and sharing a sad situation with friends and acquaintances seems to help a little.
As many of you know already, I had an accident with a gun back in January. I had dropped a loaded rifle while looking for some bullets (unaware that it was loaded already) and the gun discharged. The bullet hit my father in the hip.
My father was very ill at the time, and the injury proved too much for him to handle. seven weeks later the lord took him from me.
Now I could rationalize the idea that if my father hadn’t loaded the gun, this would have never happened. I can also dismiss my strong feelings that I am to blame because of my suspicion that the hospital didn’t treat my fathers injuries and illnesses adequately. (An independent pathologist believes my father died from malnutrition.) But even though my friends and family, who all know the events of that evening, have eased my feelings of guilt and assured me that there’s no blame to be placed, I am still having a difficult time completely dismissing the idea that somehow I am responsible for my fathers pain and death even though it was an unforeseeable and tragic accident. Theres no good answer when I ask myself what I could have done differently, but theres got to be something.
Hiring an attorney has been a bittersweet ordeal. I had $6000 dollars to my name, and was hard pressed to find one who would take my case. Somehow, luckily, I found a very good attorney in Portland who agreed to represent me, which was great, however, because of the grand jury’s decision to charge me with crimes that everyone agrees are a bit extreme, I am now completely broke because of the need to defend myself of these humiliating charges. Whats disturbing is I had no motivation to find the lawyer...I just did.
I have to keep my faith that the system works, although in my position it is very difficult to believe at times. Where would we be if we could not trust the legal system to protect us, and distribute justice.
On Monday, I will appear in court, where I will be sentenced to 90 days in Jail. I am not cut out for Jail, and the circumstances surrounding what the county grand jury feels is my responibility in the death of my father seems like adding insult to injury. But I must look adversity in the eye, and hold my ground. If I maintain my belief in the system and strengthen my faith in the lord, Ill accept the sentence as the appropriate opinion of my peers as adequate consequences and get through it ok I guess. But much like the question of what I might have done differently that evening, the question of the courts decisions is not one I can reasonably answer and I must accept them.
I guess there’s a slim chance I could get out after 30 days, which would work out well with a great job offer I was given yesterday, but its hard to prepare for the better news, only to be disappointed by the bad. Seems that is the route of my luck lately.
I'm well aware of the choice to go to trial, but my family and friends have demanded that I not "roll the dice" if somehow I get an unfavorable jury. I cant come up with an answer of what level of responsibility I should accept for my role that night short of "criminal activity" so its in the hands of the courts to decide.
I have no doubts that I am not "criminally" responsible for my fathers death, but with the charges, right or wrong, I could face years in prison with a trial, and to me its just not worth even a slim risk.
Its hard to say I am happy about the outcome, and the gracious offer from the TIllamook country district attorney, but I agree things could be much worse and I am glad I am dealing with his understanding nature as opposed to someone who may not be as open minded. Its also hard to say I have anything to be happy about regarding my fathers death, but I know he’s in a better place, and contrary to the doctors insistence that he was going to be fine, he said he did not fear the idea that he wasn’t going to make it. We talked a lot, and he was at peace.
I cant say alcohol didn’t play a role in the accident the night of January 23rd, because I did have a glass of wine maybe two when it happened, and proceeded to consume large quantities after the accident too, which at the time seemed like a simple way to ease the stress and shock of what had just happened. It appears that this is the biggest issue when considering contesting the charge of negligence.
I had quit drinking on January 1st, not because of a problem with alcohol but to save money and help with my efforts to quit smoking, but in celebration of a good job offer (which I could not accept after the accident) I was encouraged to join my dad in a toast.
Although I cant say alcohol did have a role in my actions or decisions that night up to the point of the accident because I was not the least bit impaired, I was quite a mess shortly afterwards, and not a nice person to deal with so I cant help but feel the demon had come back one last time to bite me in the butt before I said goodbye to it completely.
So in closing, I’m not here to ask anyone for any favors or votes of confidence, I’m just here posting this for closure I guess. When I am released from the Tillamook County Jail, I hope to somehow start over emotionally with some sort of clean slate despite my father being gone. To start over knowing that I have satisfied both my family, and my friends and the state of Oregon, I may be a bit more capable and ready to satisfy myself that its over, it was an accident, bearing in mind that my father didn’t want me to feel bad about it, or assume any fault.
I miss my Dad, and knowing he’s in a better place is little relief. Although he didn’t live his life on any plateau of respect, I think love is blind to whatever character defects a person may have and whatever mistakes a person makes because I sure loved him despite his own. I hope there are other people like him out there in the world who have someone like me to look past the bad and see all the good. He never refused to do it for me too.
Thanks IFishers, Ill be back.
[ 07-25-2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: cirrhosis-of-the-river ]