Cool Texan
06-14-2003, 09:37 AM
Fathers Day is tomorrow, I think. Perhaps you think it is odd that I do not remember, or know with any sense of conviction when the date is. Afterall, I come from a very tightly knit family.
However, almost 8 years ago I watched my father die of cancer. From the initial phone call that he had been diagnosed, I was in San Antonio (from Dallas) almost every other weekend. I got a call in September from my step-mom that he had taken a bad turn, and they were headed to the hospital from the Hill Country, would be there in just over an hour, and wanted to confirm I would be meeting them there. Keep in mind, I lived in Dallas, some 4.5-5 hours away. "Sure" I said. A little over 3 hours later I was in Dallas. I still miss that Mustang GT I had at the time, though I'm sure it doesnt miss me after that trip. I watched my father rally and settle for a week, up and down, in and out. We had friends/family come in from all over the country. It was the only time I shaved my fathers face for him...we knew he'd want to look nice for everyone, but couldnt do it himself. A few days later the pain escalated, the morphine button was clicked repeatedly, and he finally said he was ready to go....but he wanted to pick his time, as if he were Babe Ruth calling his shot at the pearly gates. We chuckled nervously and said "sure". "When do you want it to be dad?" "12:00 midnight" he replied. In hindsight, knowing his sense of humor, perhaps he was more with it than we imagined, for the next day, starting at midnight that night, it would be Friday the 13th. Midnight came and went. He was sleeping, but breathing. At 3:30, the breathing pattern changed, those who were sleeping woke up. I watched my father breath in one last deep breath. Hold it. Then exhale it very slowly. It was his last. I still wear his Ironman watch to this day. If it werent for his cancer, he would have participated in the Ironman alongside my step-mom who was in it one year. I also wear a necklace that is identical to the one I gave him for Fathers Day after he was diagnosed. Catch me almost any time and ask to see either...odds are I will be wearing one of them or both. Never neither.
Just over two years ago, a fraternity brother of mine was to be married. His bachelor party was to be in Las Vegas. We all met Friday night. Saturday we were driving to a golf course for a round of golf when my cell phone rang. It was my brother. "I dont know where you are, but you need to know that Steve (step-father) fell off the roof this morning and is in bad shape. Some sort of head injury. Its serious." With that, we dropped everyone off at the golf course, I took the cab back to the hotel, packed, and caught a cab to the airport. Thank you Southwest Airlines for being the ONLY airline that did not want to charge me over $1,000 to fly from Vegas to New Orleans. Once arrangements were made, I called my mom. "Jeff, he's gone." I hit my knees crying in the Las Vegas airport. Next time I see someone randomly crying like that, I will never again thing negatively about them or just dismiss them. I've walked in those shoes. Twice.
I meet a beautiful woman a few years ago. We fell in love quickly, powerfully, intensly. We got married. We begin to talk about children, names, etc. She then reminds me that since her father died when she was 2, we have no grand-fathers for our children. We're both in tears at the end of the revelation.
Which brings us to current day. We have been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant. Its not working. We've both been tested, all systems appear to be good. A few weeks ago we went to Cabo San Lucas in an effort to make a "vacation baby", and try to use Lucas as a middle name if it worked. Her period came last night. I know what people say...give it to God...hey, you can always adopt...etc. Crap on that I say. It doesn't help the sense of hurt, of helplessness...and a new feeling I am having as a man and as a husband...a failure. I know its not, I really do. But it still hits hard on an ego that can be the size of Texas at times. So we'll keep trying. We'll keep taking the Clomid, revert back to trying the inter-uterine stuff...keep going at it like rabbits when the "window of opportunity" is upon is, and we'll continue to pray for the best. Its just sad though. Will Father's Day ever be a happy day for us again?
Thanks for reading. Sorry it went so long.
However, almost 8 years ago I watched my father die of cancer. From the initial phone call that he had been diagnosed, I was in San Antonio (from Dallas) almost every other weekend. I got a call in September from my step-mom that he had taken a bad turn, and they were headed to the hospital from the Hill Country, would be there in just over an hour, and wanted to confirm I would be meeting them there. Keep in mind, I lived in Dallas, some 4.5-5 hours away. "Sure" I said. A little over 3 hours later I was in Dallas. I still miss that Mustang GT I had at the time, though I'm sure it doesnt miss me after that trip. I watched my father rally and settle for a week, up and down, in and out. We had friends/family come in from all over the country. It was the only time I shaved my fathers face for him...we knew he'd want to look nice for everyone, but couldnt do it himself. A few days later the pain escalated, the morphine button was clicked repeatedly, and he finally said he was ready to go....but he wanted to pick his time, as if he were Babe Ruth calling his shot at the pearly gates. We chuckled nervously and said "sure". "When do you want it to be dad?" "12:00 midnight" he replied. In hindsight, knowing his sense of humor, perhaps he was more with it than we imagined, for the next day, starting at midnight that night, it would be Friday the 13th. Midnight came and went. He was sleeping, but breathing. At 3:30, the breathing pattern changed, those who were sleeping woke up. I watched my father breath in one last deep breath. Hold it. Then exhale it very slowly. It was his last. I still wear his Ironman watch to this day. If it werent for his cancer, he would have participated in the Ironman alongside my step-mom who was in it one year. I also wear a necklace that is identical to the one I gave him for Fathers Day after he was diagnosed. Catch me almost any time and ask to see either...odds are I will be wearing one of them or both. Never neither.
Just over two years ago, a fraternity brother of mine was to be married. His bachelor party was to be in Las Vegas. We all met Friday night. Saturday we were driving to a golf course for a round of golf when my cell phone rang. It was my brother. "I dont know where you are, but you need to know that Steve (step-father) fell off the roof this morning and is in bad shape. Some sort of head injury. Its serious." With that, we dropped everyone off at the golf course, I took the cab back to the hotel, packed, and caught a cab to the airport. Thank you Southwest Airlines for being the ONLY airline that did not want to charge me over $1,000 to fly from Vegas to New Orleans. Once arrangements were made, I called my mom. "Jeff, he's gone." I hit my knees crying in the Las Vegas airport. Next time I see someone randomly crying like that, I will never again thing negatively about them or just dismiss them. I've walked in those shoes. Twice.
I meet a beautiful woman a few years ago. We fell in love quickly, powerfully, intensly. We got married. We begin to talk about children, names, etc. She then reminds me that since her father died when she was 2, we have no grand-fathers for our children. We're both in tears at the end of the revelation.
Which brings us to current day. We have been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant. Its not working. We've both been tested, all systems appear to be good. A few weeks ago we went to Cabo San Lucas in an effort to make a "vacation baby", and try to use Lucas as a middle name if it worked. Her period came last night. I know what people say...give it to God...hey, you can always adopt...etc. Crap on that I say. It doesn't help the sense of hurt, of helplessness...and a new feeling I am having as a man and as a husband...a failure. I know its not, I really do. But it still hits hard on an ego that can be the size of Texas at times. So we'll keep trying. We'll keep taking the Clomid, revert back to trying the inter-uterine stuff...keep going at it like rabbits when the "window of opportunity" is upon is, and we'll continue to pray for the best. Its just sad though. Will Father's Day ever be a happy day for us again?
Thanks for reading. Sorry it went so long.