Osprey
12-12-2000, 12:18 PM
Dear Y'all,
I regret to inform you that effective
immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new
and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a
few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police
cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the
wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All
I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's
"If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, (Member) North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209
Good thing you move huh "Yall"
------------------
Row quietly and fish a Cataraft !!---
Release all Wild Fish --<'))>><
I regret to inform you that effective
immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new
and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a
few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police
cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the
wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All
I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's
"If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus, (Member) North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209
Good thing you move huh "Yall"
------------------
Row quietly and fish a Cataraft !!---
Release all Wild Fish --<'))>><