I beat it by a centimeter! Or almost... maybe 9 mm! Anyhow, I'm good for another year!
Heavenly sunshine, this morning! I'm going out to greet it!

January 25, 2012

You'd think after so many years, I'd be used to it, but I'm not. I worry. I stress. I don't look forward to the date and it does weird things to my mind.
The "What If?" of it all.
What if the doc looks at my CT today and says, "OK, It's time. We should do surgery next week."
Last night, Tammy asked me what I would do, if that were the case. I had mentioned to her that I might not even do the surgery at all.
Last I spoke with Dr. Song, he reminded me not to become too relaxed. He has spoken often of the next heart surgery I need, that will repair the new and shiny aneurysm in my aorta. This one is lower down, closer to my abdomen and would require that much non anticipated "angel wing" cut that really tests your pain tolerance.
I read from another marfan affected woman who frankly stated that had she known the pain of this surgery, she may not have had it done it at all. Great! Thanks! LOL. I didn't want to know that!
But, yes. I guess I did want to know. At least I'm prepared that when I get out, I won't be dancing Dixie.
I do, however, have to realize my condition. I have breast cancer, and I have a delicately repaired aorta, already. It's quite a miracle that I'm still alive, actually. Do I want, expect, etc., two miracles? Three? Four? Where does my luck end?
Actually, "Luck" may be considered a free ticket to Heaven! I'm not afraid of death. I am, however, afraid of pain! I don't like it! It hurts!
And, I'm afraid of odds, a bit. It's like when I used to fly a lot, in my younger days. I kept thinking that I had flown so many safe flights, that surely something would happen, soon. It never did! I still fly on occasion and my flights are always non exciting.
That's OK by me. If I choose to do this surgery, or if the CT today shows that I need it soon, I'd just as soon have a boring surgery. Excitement is not what I'm after.
If I could, I'd just look at the odds for this type of thing, but with all my other exciting things, how do you calculate odds? If it were the surgery alone, then there are odds, but add in the previous surgery, the cancer, everything... well? Who knows what might happen!
So, off I go. I'm off to get a CT and listen to what the good doc has to say. Wish me luck. Or, odds. Or, a really boring day. :)

January 24, 2012

Think about it. Ice cold lemonade, the sun, shining on your shoulders, warming you. Underneath you, a chaise lounge fits around your every muscle, hugging you. A cool breeze comes along, and since you've been gardening all morning, it feels good.
Can you even imagine? Sounds great, doesn't it?
It's raining cats and dogs. The rivers are all on flood alert. The Willamette is just churning mud. When I gaze at the Kilchis under these conditions, I think what mighty strength that water has, but the Willamette when it's full and churning? Unbelievable! The Kilchis is wimpy at any level, in comparison!
There is a 100 foot log washed up on the Kilchis river, outside our home, but in the Willamette? That would be a toothpick!
This too shall pass; This rain that washes out river banks, and threatens homes.
Soon, well, kinda soon, we'll be gardening and feeling that Heavenly sunshine!
I was in Fred Meyers the other day and they had the display of seeds out. Oh! My heart raced! Seeds! Gardens! Springtime! (In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring!)
I'm trying to figure out how to exercise Willie in this downpour. I'm lacking for rain gear, here in the city. Perhaps that doggy indoor park? LOL. Pay MONEY to play inside with your doggy? Too funny! Have you heard about it? It's here. Fido's Indoor Park.
OK. That's well and good, I suppose. I get it. But, where is Fido's indoor steelhead fishing? A place where the rivers never flood. Ah....

January 22, 2012

I've got to find my way back home.
I just got off the river. I'm sitting at my old desk, staring out my old window where I sat, first, when I just began ifish.net.
The rain is pouring down and the wind is blowing sheets of water at the glass, as it has so many times before in my life.
I think back to all the old contests I used to run. "How many inches of water on the Kilchis weather station? Ready, set..."
Nice memories.
Bill opened his laptop at the kitchen table, and glanced at the front page. "Jennie, you've got to fish more. Your column isn't about fishing enough, lately."
The words stung to the bone. Was it because I was in a bad mood, or did it just hit to the core of me? I think a little of both.
A friend wrote me, "It's nice to see your column back." Huh? That puzzled me. Then I realized I hadn't written for a week. It's been a tough week for me.
I guess I can't use that as a total excuse. I mean, even if it were a great week for me, I couldn't fish, along with everyone else in Oregon. That's what my column is supposed to be about. Right? Fishing? But, the rivers were flooded. It's been snowing, raining, storming. Not fishing weather at all.
So, is my excuse that I'm not near my river, and in the city mostly? Not at "home"? Where is home for me these days!?
I guess I have two.
You know, I was really seriously given a second chance at life. My dissection should have killed me. It does most! (I found this article interesting)
I don't want to waste the gift of surviving such an experience! But, sometimes I think I'm exhausting myself instead of enjoying myself, searching so hard to make sure I'm living the right life!!
Is it time with my sons that I want? Or, am I having too much time with my children, and need to go fishing? Do I want time alone on the river? Or with Bill? Or with my puppy? Or do I need all of the above, all together, now!?
Right now, I'm finding myself spread thin, having a little of this and a little of that and not enough of any?
My Mom used to always use that saying, "Jack of all trades, master of none..." But, I see my life as the same thing, but with how it relates to life.
I drive from here to the coast, from the coast to the city, racing, trying to find where I should be. When I'm at the coast, I'm thinking of the kids, and when with the kids, thinking of having a fishing rod in hand! All this and flip flop vice versa! The grass is always greener!
Is it doing everything that I crave, or simply finding home? Why can't I find a place to have it all? Wouldn't that be loverly?
I enjoy myself so much, sitting in the hot tub with Tammy, having our late night girl talks! It's become a very important "unwind" time. I've always loved a hot bath at night, but this is deluxe! Company, an ice cold drink, and giggles!
There is just simply no way to fish right now. I think that is the core of my dissatisfaction and confusion. Maybe all fishaholics get this way when the rivers are blown out.
As I was sitting upstairs watching Hawg Quest this morning, I turned to look out the window, just as a drift boat raced down the river. I was glad not to be in tha

...Continued bottom of

January!
December!
Jennie's Fishing Life, Complete!
I love my life, and it's a pleasure to fish it.